Title: The Duke's Secrets: Christmas Special 2023 by J_Lunar
Source: ELGANZA, INC. | AWARDS by TheCieloCommunity
Category: Short Stories
Mature: N (sexual references)
LGBTQIAP+: L (side character)
Status: Complete
Special note (judging): I had five books in this category, and the other judges (BANGTANHOLIC_FICS and Lunatic_Twilight) had five books each.
Result: 77/100

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*****

Rubric:
- Title: 5
- Book cover: 5
- Description (blurb): 5
- Plot & storytelling: 15
- Character development: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar: 10
- Originality & creativity: 10
- Emotional impact: 10
- Pacing & structure: 5
- Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5
- Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10
Total: 100

*****

Total: 77/100

Title: 5/5
Yay! A Christmas story! 'Tis the season, after all. And this title has the feel of a dramatic novel or a children's story, in my opinion, so perfect for this book. Assuming the "children" tag means this is supposed to be a children's book, that is.

Cover: 3/5
I like the imagery of this cover, but the text doesn't blend well with it. Silver and blue would probably work better with the color scheme than pink and red, and I think a cursive font might look nicer than the plain print. Also, your name is misspelled. Oops!

Blurb: 4/5
Overall, this is a good blurb, but there are a few areas of awkward phrasing that I think could be smoother. In the second sentence, I think there should be commas after "moments" and "children," and adding "too" after "herself" would complete the phrase "not just _____, but _____, too." Then, in the last sentence, "they culminate" doesn't lead naturally from "Navigating" in the first part of the sentence, so I'd change that to "culminates" (and cut the comma that comes before it). My last suggestion is regarding the hyphen. Adding spaces on either side of it ( - ) would make it look less like an odd hyphenated word. I'm guessing you put it in as an em dash, since you use those later in the story, but Wattpad has this nasty habit of changing em dashes to regular hyphens at the most inopportune moments.

But this sounds really cute. Christmas adventures and heartwarming tales are just the thing. And I already have a cup of hot cocoa standing by while I read this.

Plot & storytelling: 12/15
This is kind of cute. It's not much of an adventure, since it's just Elizabeth dressing up as Mrs. Santa for the kids, and I wouldn't really call it a children's story because of the sexual references and the complexity of the writing (although the "children" tag may have just meant there are children in the story, not that this is a children's book), but it's sweet. There are a few moments that are unclear, like the dialogue after the maids take Elizabeth away. It sounds like they take her away from Lilith, so then when Elizabeth is having a conversation with an unidentified person, the dialogue is pretty confusing. Adding more dialogue tags in sections of longer conversation like that would be helpful so the reader knows who is talking when. I thought Elizabeth was talking to the maids, but then I was wondering how the maids knew what Celestia told Lilith. And that text in italics was another point of confusion. If you're quoting something within dialogue, that's shown through the use of single quotation marks:

"She said, 'I want Elizabeth to be Mrs. Santa,'" Lilith explained.

Another place that was unclear was the scene when the Duke and Elizabeth were about to kiss and Celestia interrupted them. There's a sentence about Celestia's reaction to their closeness, followed by a sentence about the Duke "thinking it was because he missed Santa—but Elizabeth knew the truth," and I had to go back and forth a few times to figure out what that was talking about. The "it" was ambiguous, especially with the section after the em dash. Based on proximity, "it" seemed to be the "moment [they were sharing]," which was the closest previously mentioned noun, but in context, just inserting that noun into the phrase doesn't make sense: "thinking [the moment they were sharing] was because he missed Santa—but Elizabeth knew the truth." When you're using pronouns, you need to be careful to clarify which noun the pronoun is replacing. In this instance, changing "it" to something like "Celestia's reaction" would be a better choice, because that removes the ambiguity.

Character development: 8/10
I'm sure there's a lot more character development in the original story, but you show the characters pretty well here. Elizabeth is new to the castel (copying the spelling in the story, unsure if this was a misspelling or intentional), and although she's fairly comfortable there, she's still unsure about some things, and she's very easily flustered. She does an awful lot of yelling. Lots of exclamation marks in her dialogue. And her relationship with the Duke is rather strange. They act like they barely know each other and are still in the awkward crush phase much of the time, and then they have moments when they're alone, and they're suddenly not awkward anymore. In those moments, their relationship seems more mature, and the romance they seem to deny elsewhere is definitely further along than they would like to admit. But there is some rationale to that, as maybe they prefer to keep their private lives private, and they aren't comfortable expressing their affection in public.

I know next to nothing about the Duke. He's a mysterious figure with eyes popping out of his head at the sight of Elizabeth in a skimpy outfit one moment, confidently casting magic and putting on a show for the kids the next, then inviting Elizabeth to his room and teasingly calling her his wife. I can't get a handle on him. But I'm sure there's much more explanation in the original book.

Lilith is the most defined character, actually. She's saucy, flirty, bold, confident, and there are no inconsistencies or incongruities in her character. If it weren't for her suggestions that she wants Elizabeth for herself, I'd say she was a fun friend, with all the teasing and pushing to get Elizabeth and the Duke together, but those suggestions are semi-disturbing for me. I'd rather not have to worry about my friends trying to take me to bed all the time.

Writing style: 8/10
Overall, your writing is generally clear and engaging. I mentioned the occasional problems with clarity earlier, and I think you have a tendency to overuse exclamation marks and em dashes, which makes the story more jumpy to me, I guess? I'm not sure what word I really want to use here. Choppy? That's not right. Volatile? Maybe. Exclamation marks and em dashes make a bold statement and emphasize specific points, so they work better when they're used infrequently. Overuse makes them lose their magic.

Grammar: 8/10
Generally, your grammar is pretty solid. There are a few questions that end in exclamation marks when they should end in question marks, and there's a "your" that should be "you're," along with an instance of past tense in dialogue that should be present tense. There are some notable misspellings as well. I mentioned "castel," which could be intentional, but I'm sure "Sanra" and "Satna" are not, and there's a "whip" that should be "wipe." There are some long, rambling sentences that could be smoother, as well, like this one: "Elizabeth was about to ask what she was talking about right as she heard hurried footsteps and understood why she was so quick to drink her tea." That one also displays pronoun clarity issues, too.

Originality & creativity: 9/10
The details are where you make this your own, but it's a fairly standard Christmas story. Child wants something; adults fulfill that wish. Couple acts as Mr. and Mrs. Santa, which works out, since they're already attracted to each other. The magic is the really special touch, I think, and your descriptions of that magic are stellar.

Emotional impact: 5/10
The key to this category is reader connection with the characters, and I didn't really connect with any of them, especially since the Duke and Elizabeth's characters are rather ambiguous and have moments of seeming contradiction. The only character I can really understand is Lilith, and she kind of creeps me out. There isn't anything too special about the scene with the Duke giving gifts to the kids, either, because there is no apparent need or hardship that would make the gift-giving particularly heartwarming. I think the best emotional vibes I got from this were with Elizabeth changing (embarrassment) and the ending with the Duke (sweet and happy).

Pacing & structure: 5/5
Not too slow; not too fast. All the chapter divisions make sense.

Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5/5
Free points. Yay! 🙂

Overall enjoyment & engagement: 5/10
I like Christmas stories, but honestly, Lilith was a problem for me in this one. I just can't get past the thought of how uncomfortable it would be to have a friend like her. There are also some weird things like Celestia falling to her knees when she realizes she interrupted the Duke and Elizabeth. Why would she do that? That's a really weird reaction to me. It would be a lot more natural to leave as quickly as possible. But I like the touch of fantasy, and I like what I see of the Duke and Elizabeth's relationship, in and among the weirdness with Lilith.