Full title: THE BLOOMING ALLEGIANCE by MadhuRikhayat
Source: Review Shop by TheBlossomCommunity_
Genre: Fanfiction
Subgenre: Romance

Fandom: BTS
Mature: Y (PTSD, religion, sexual references, strong profanity, violence; mentions of attempted rape, emotional abuse, loss of a loved one, murder, physical abuse)
LGBTQIAP+: N

Status: Ongoing

First impressions: 25/40
Digging deeper: 57/100
Final thoughts: Complete
Note: Chapter 22 was the last available chapter as of the publishing of this review.

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

First impressions total: 25/40

Title: 9/10
Okay, flowers, loyalty; these seem like good words to use for a romance novel. My only (picky) complaint here is that it's in all uppercase letters. I prefer just the first letters to be uppercase (so, The Blooming Allegiance KTH).

Story description: 4/10
The first observation I have here is there are a lot of trailing periods. They really dull the hook, because they sort of lend an airy, vague feel to each line. I think the actual content is good, though. There are some grammar issues, and I think it would work best with some lines put together instead of all individual, but that's easy enough to address.

Whenever you use these trailing periods, just stick to three (...). That's called an ellipsis. When you're deciding if you need to use "a" or "an" in front of a noun, the determining factor is the first letter of that noun. If it's a vowel (a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y), use "an," and if it's a consonant, use "a." So, it should be "a cute" and "a Kim." There's also a pronoun issue. I'm assuming the Indian princess is a female, so it should be "her prince charming." "Whereas" is actually all one word, and you should hyphenate "soft-hearted." Since "people" is a plural noun, you'd use "think" instead of "thinks," and there should be an article in front of "Indian" (which you should also capitalize).

Tweaking a bit to make more definite, complete sentences will strengthen the hook, and I don't think "whereas" is really the best word here, because it's meant to introduce a contrasting idea. The princess waiting for her prince charming is very similar to the king waiting for this queen, not different. Also, "Prince Charming" is usually capitalized like a name or a title, and again, "but" seems a bit out of place because it points to a contrast that isn't apparent. So, putting everything into one paragraph after taking all that into consideration, this is what you could get (but you have your own style, so play with it however you'd like):

This is a sweet love story about a cute and bubbly Indian princess waiting for her Prince Charming to come while the cold but soft-hearted King of Korea is waiting for his queen.

Some stories are way more beautiful than people think.

A Kim Taehyung fanfiction with an Indian twist.

That's better, but you could improve it more. Nailing the art of writing a good blurb is tricky, and it's something I'm still working on, too. I'd recommend checking out this chapter by justwriteit about how to write a good logline and pitch. You can use the same principles to write a good blurb. Link in the in-line comments. →

Cover: 8/10
This is a really pretty cover. I love the gray-scale with the pop of gold for the corner frames, and the white text stands out really well, too. I think the placement of the title could be better, though. The upper right-hand corner is already busy with the leaf curlicue and the gold frame, so I think the upper left-hand corner would be a better place for the title. I think I'd also play with the font a little. I think something a little more regal, almost like Middle Ages/medieval stylized text, would work really well with the gold frames. As for your name, if you drop the "By," you may be able to shift your name down into that blank black space in the lower left-hand corner, and I think that would keep it visible without interfering with the picture.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 4/10
Introduction: First fanfiction? Yay! I just finished reviewing AniV012's first fanfiction in which you show up as a character, so it's fun to follow that up by reading your first fanfiction where she shows up as a character. 🙂

Author's notes like this don't have to be perfect, but I have a few observations here that will probably pertain to the upcoming story. I already talked about the trailing periods in the blurb, and they have that same vague, airy feel here, too. Ellipses are used to show a dramatic pause, to show dialogue trailing off into silence, and to suggest there's more that's being left unsaid. So, most of the time, you should end a sentence with just one period. The special punctuation marks, like ellipses and exclamation marks, kind of lose their special meaning if they're used too often.

Another thing is all the text speak. Like I said, it's fine in an author's note, but when you're writing a story, spell everything out (thanks, you, please, etc.). That just makes it more professional. There are also some misspellings and grammar errors, so I'd recommend at least using the spell/grammar check in Microsoft Word or Google Docs to catch these, but an editing tool like ProWritingAid will catch more. Editing tools can be really helpful, especially if English isn't your native language, because all the rules are confusing enough even to native speakers (apologies for my complicated language). My only caution with editing tools is to not overuse them. Grammarly in particular can completely rewrite your material with AI-generated content, and then not only does it sound completely different from your writing, it also flags as AI-generated if it's run through an AI checker, and that can get you in trouble with awards and such. Plus, it's not really you writing it if you use it that way.

The Character Meeting: These pictures are gorgeous. 😍

I have a few more observations here. First, don't forget the apostrophe in contractions (like don't). Second, there shouldn't be any spaces before punctuation marks like commas, but there should always be a space after them. And third, be careful with capitalization. The first letter of the first word of a sentence should be capitalized, and so should names and titles, regardless of where they show up in the sentence, but no other words should be capitalized.

Chapter 1: This isn't really in story format right now. It's more like a text or chat conversation, with individual lines sent back and forth, complete with text abbreviations and emojis. The action is also unclear, and there are places where I don't quite understand what you're trying to say. You also rely on pictures to give descriptions of your characters, and it's better if you describe them yourself. Also, writing dialogue in standard format with quotation marks and dialogue tags will allow you to add a lot of detail to the scene and your characters. You can write thoughts like dialogue, too, just with italics instead of quotation marks. So, I'll try to show you what I mean. First, here's the intro section (all examples in italics to set them apart from my feedback):

*****

In India.....
In a royal garden with huge space..u can hear only swords wounds...scratching blocking the enemies stroke on its masters...or we can say the Mistresses.....
So is an action scene possible or successful without any audience..??
Nooooooo......
So a girl just sitting there being the spectator of that so called World War going was just getting hella bored....
And two mistresses —
On swift like the wind with sword..
Madhu (Madhushree)
And the other just patient as water..
Angshi (Angshika)
Both were into another world while the sword fight...

*****

The first step is to put all this in complete sentences and paragraphs. Once you've done that, then you can better see what you have to work with, and you can play with adding more descriptions and details. You also need to decide how much you want to speak directly to the reader. That really lends an informal tone to the story. It's up to you if you want to do that, but it's something I don't like doing myself, so I won't show that here. What I'm going to do is take what you have and put it all in sentence and paragraph format, fixing any grammatical and word choice issues as I go, but otherwise staying as close to the original content as possible (without using profanity—I don't use it).

*****

In India, in a royal garden with a huge space, the only sound to be heard is swords, scraping and blocking the enemy's strikes against their masters—or rather, Mistresses. The audience watching this action scene is a girl, just sitting there, spectating the so-called World War and getting very bored. As for the two mistresses, the first is swift like the wind with her sword, Madushree, also known as Madhu, and the other is just as patient as water, Angshika, also called Angshi. Both are in another world while they are fighting.

*****

I'd like to point out here that I added nothing to what you had written. These are your words and your concepts, just in sentence format. I changed "scratching" to "scraping," because I thought that fit better, and I fiddled with the in-between words to get it all into a standard sentence format, but the rest is yours. And it's a really good start. You already have some good imagery here, describing not only the environment, but the sounds and the characteristics of the three women's personalities. Now, the physical descriptions of the women only come from the pictures, so adding that into the narrative would be ideal. Could you dress it up more? Yes, but when you're just starting out, it doesn't have to be extremely complex and fancy. I could give you a fancy example, and I actually intended to do that, but now that I see it in standard narrative format, I don't think that's needed here. I think you just need to focus on writing this way, and from there, you'll get fancy on your own.

The same is true with your dialogue. You already have quite a bit of descriptive detail here, too. It just needs to be reformatted to really make that clear. So, first, what you have (and I'm obviously leaving out the Hindi because I can't read it):

*****

But...
The bored girl..
Kajal (Kajalmukhi)
Got up from her place...and called Madhu..
Kajal: Oi madhu listen na I remembered something suddenly..
As being Madhu's Lifeline calls...how can she ignore her , so she turned and the patient water Angshi got her opportunity to win and stroke on her ..
And she won as Madhu lost...
Madhu: ahhh... 😫😠 ..kajal what would have happened if u have called me a lil later...
And then only our Angel with angelic voice and smirking a lil said....
Angshi : 😏😏 What happened madhu my darling..??
U only taught me that if we loose concentration we might got an accident..
U forgot ur own teaching??
And Madhu shot a glare to her...
Madhu : (getting annoyed) I should say nothing to u..my cat attacking on me only huh...
(and swirling her around her neck)
😉😉😉😉😉
Will u use my dialogues on me only everytime..??
Then our match broker said..
Kajal : U guys know that yesterday I saw a dream where angshi was getting married to his prince charming)
Listening Angshi started to blush a lil.. 🤭🤭🤭
Madhu : (with a done face.. 😒) Why u guys do all silly things..there is no such prince charming warming...love is only a betrayal and pain which give a person so much wounds that they never heal..
Angshi and kajal both knows about her painful past bcoz of which madhu doesn't believes in existence of love so they felt bad gor their lifeline yo get again in the stream of flashbacks of pain...
Angshi : Till when will u remember all those things ..forget it ..u r made for someone and someone is made for u.. who will find u very soon let the right time to come which will come soon..
Listening all this Madhu broke down in tears and her supports get to her support in fraction of seconds..
Madhu started crying by hugging Angshi..
Angshi : shhh..shhh....we are always with u not matter what happens..
::and tries to console her::
Kajal : (fake crying) Im no one to u both na... 😫😫
Then both Angshi and Madhu gestured to hug her said..
Angshi & Madhu : Come our monkey without u we are incomplete. . ✨✨

*****

Now, I'm going to turn all that into a regular dialogue format so you can get an idea of how to do that. Dialogue can get pretty complicated, but at its most basic, you're putting the words people say between double quotation marks (""), and you're specifying the speaker and any details about tone, facial expressions, and body language in the segments of text surrounding the dialogue, which are known as dialogue tags. I'm going to try to take the emotions shown by the emojis and put them in text form so you can see that, along with the descriptive information you've already written. Also, you flipped into past tense in this section, and I'm going to change it into present tense for consistency.

*****

The bored girl, Kajalmukhi, who goes by Kajal, gets up from her seat and calls out to Madhu. "Oi, Madhu, listen, na. I suddenly remembered something."

As she is Madhu's Lifeline, Madhu cannot ignore her, so she turns to face her, giving the patient water Angshi the opportunity to win by striking at her. And so, Angshi wins, and Madhu loses.

"Ah," Madhu groans in frustration. "Kajal, what would have happened if you had called me a little later?"

Angshi smirks a little and says with an angelic voice, "What happened, Madhu, my darling? You taught me that if we lose concentration, we might have an accident. Did you forget your own teaching?"

Madhu, getting annoyed, shoots a glare at Angshi. "I should say nothing to you. My cat attacks me only, huh?" She wraps her hands around Angshi's neck in a fake threat. "Will you use my words against me every time?"

Then the matchmaker Kajal says, "You know, yesterday I had a dream where Angshi was getting married to her Prince Charming?"

Angshi starts to blush a little.

Madhu, already done with this topic, says, "Why do you guys do all these silly things? There is no such thing as Prince Charming. Love is only betrayal and pain, giving a person so many wounds that they can never heal."

Angshi and Kajal both know about Madhu's painful past, because of which Madhu doesn't believe in the existence of love, so they feel bad for their lifeline, yet again in the stream of flashbacks and pain.

"Till when will you remember all those things?" Angshi asks Madhu. "Forget it. You are made for someone, and someone is made for you, someone who will find you very soon. Let the right time come. It will come soon."

Madhu breaks down in tears, and her supportive friends go to her within a fraction of a second. She cries and hugs Angshi.

"Sh, sh," Angshi says, trying to console her. "We are always with you, no matter what happens."

Kajal fakes crying and says, "I'm no one to you both, na..."

Then both Angshi and Madhu gesture toward Kajal and say, "Come, our monkey. Without you, we are incomplete."

*****

Again, that's good, and those are your words. Yes, I tweaked things for grammar and to fit better in a regular sentence, but I added nothing major. That's pretty good dialogue. I can see the loving, close friendship these three women have, a friendship that allows them to go from serious sword fighting to teasing to comforting each other within minutes. You've also incorporated bits of their background here, especially references to a painful romance in Madhu's past, and it fits seamlessly with everything else.

Okay, for the last example, you end the chapter with their thoughts as they hug. An easy way to write thoughts without telling the reader that's what you're doing is to write it like dialogue, but in italics instead of within quotation marks. Similar to ellipses and exclamation marks, you don't want to overuse italics, because then, it's harder for the reader to know what they mean. You want the reader to see the italics and immediately think, okay, this is a thought, not spoken dialogue. This also allows you to add detail through the dialogue tags, which are now thought tags. First, what you have (and I'm obviously not putting it all in italics this time like I did with previous examples):

*****

And they all giggled as Kajal while giggling ran towards them and hugged them...
They three were hugging each other like their life depends on each other...
In Minds...they thought...
Madhu : Now I really feel that I must forget everything about that incident ...just bcoz of these two...Bcoz I cant see them sad..and I can do this much for mh darlings..
Kajal : Comeon atleast I made them come out of there serious world..
Angshi : Hey O God..please always keep mh there two darlings happy and away from all sadness..and yes give them there true love..

*****

And now, turning that into narrative form:

*****

They all giggle as Kajal, also giggling, runs toward them and hugs them. The three hug like their lives depend on each other.

Now I really feel that I must forget everything about that incident, Madhu thinks. Just because of these two. Because I can't see them sad, and I can do this much for my heart darlings.

Come on. At least I made them come out of their serious world, Kajal thinks.

Hey, O God, please keep my two heart darlings happy and away from all sadness, Angshi prays. And, yes, give them their true love.

*****

Again, that's really good, and it's your words. You're building your characters up even more. Madhu resolves to move on from the past because she doesn't want to upset her friends. Kajal is the joker of the bunch, trying to lighten the serious mood. And Angshi loves her friends so deeply that she prays for not only their happiness, but also their future lovers. They're a really sweet, realistic, relatable friend group. You had a note in the review request that you want me to focus on analyzing connections of the heart, and you've just done it. And will continue to do it throughout the story, I'm assuming. All it takes to make it clearer is converting your content into a more standard narrative format of sentences and paragraphs.

*****

Digging deeper: 57/100

Cover & title: 8/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Story description: 2/5
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Grammar & voice: 5/20
Same issues I noted previously. It's something that becomes more readable and easier to understand the more I read it, if that makes sense. Like I'm learning the style. And there is improvement from chapter to chapter already. Chapter five is much closer to the structured paragraph format typically seen in stories than chapter even chapter four was. And you do have a writing voice that I can hear. It's light and humorous and fun.

Plot & pacing: 5/10
The pacing actually seems a bit slow so far. I think there's been too much attention given to pictures that introduce the settings and the characters, as opposed to story content describing the two distinct plotlines that will converge. And the plot is more implied than actually described. I know since this is a romance, the three women will meet and fall in love with the three men. The chapter describing what each couple was doing was actually really interesting, though, and I'd like you to explore the connections they already have, even though they don't know each other yet. The concept that one partner's emotions affect the other partner's emotions at long distances is a very intriguing one, and I think that's the key to early plot development here. It lets the reader know that you're not just describing a day in the life of the women in this chapter, and then a scene for the men in that chapter, with no purpose. The two stories are already touching each other without anybody knowing it.

Characterization: 12/20
I think your characterizations are there, but they're just a little hard to feel right now, if that makes sense. They're a little stilted by the format, but as soon as you convert this into a regular narrative style, they'll pop out, just like they did in the examples for chapter one. Madhu remains the more serious, troubled friend, with Angshi rushing to comfort and look out for her, while Kajal lightens the mood as the immature comic relief. Taehyung is the typical cold, distant male lead, with Jungkook being his closest friend and the one who knows all his secrets. Meanwhile, Jin is self-obsessed (amusingly so), and while I don't really have a handle on the other men's personalities yet, the glimpses I've seen show that they're not just extras along for the ride. They're distinct characters, too.

Harmony within genre: 15/15
Well, this is a BTS fanfiction with all seven members of BTS represented, so, yup. Definitely listed as the right genre. 😉

Originality: 10/20
Again, due to format, your descriptive detail doesn't shine through much right now, but I know it's there, and it will pop out when you change the format to a normal narrative style. It seems like each person has a divine or magical connection to their intended lover, which is not necessarily a unique idea, but the way you're doing it does feel unique to me. And the women are princesses in India, while the men are kings in Korea. Normally, I see everybody in the same country, but you're going a different route with this. There are a lot of elements here that are pretty common, like the cold, distant male lead and the jaded female, and we all know they'll get together and heal each other's hearts. But I think you were correct in the blurb. A Kim Taehyung fanfiction with an Indian twist. Yep, that's what this is, and that sets it apart.

*****

Final thoughts: Complete
If you enjoy reading Hinglish BTS romance fanfictions, you may want to check this book out by a new author. Three Indian princesses. Three Korean kings (guess who?). Each pair connected by destiny, all drawn to the same spot at the same time for a single rare flower which blooms once every 12 years. Coincidence? Probably not. And, since destiny is at play, getting the romance started isn't too difficult. They already know each other, in a way. Now, they can focus on enjoying the festival and their sweet blossoming love stories.