Title: She told me by procrastiauthor3000
Source: Review request
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Mature: N (blood, bullying, death, guns, illicit drug use, loss of a loved one, strong profanity, murder, sexual innuendo, prescription drug abuse, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Complete
First impressions: 30/40
Digging deeper: 78/100
Final thoughts: Complete

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*****

First impressions total: 30/40

Title: 7/10
This is a nice, ambiguous title that could work for many genres, piquing the reader's interest. Who is she? What did she tell me? Only problem here is the capitalization. You should capitalize every word in this title. That makes it appear more professional.

Blurb/synopsis: 6/10
There's a lot of shock value here, but it's kind of buried in this one paragraph. I think tweaking punctuation, splitting sentences in places, splitting paragraphs in others, will all help to amp up the shock and hook the reader better.

So, first sentence. He "didn't think this town would be any different." That's intriguing. Clearly, he moved to the town that acts as the book's setting recently, and there's a very specific reason he left, one that the potential reader wants to know. That's something to emphasize, and you probably can do that with some adjustments to the next part of the sentence - hearing voices. That's a nice, shocking way to grab a potential reader's attention. You want that to stand out. Commas are soft pauses, so I think a hyphen is the way to go here. That's an abrupt stop that immediately highlights whatever comes next. So, cut out "that is," and the commas before and after it, of course, and put a hyphen there. Instant emphasis.

Next sentence. "It's unnerving." To most people, that would be an understatement, so this tells us something about Lucas' personality and background. You don't even need the next bit about this not being "the worst thing to happen to him." That just adds clutter, and we can already tell that hearing voices isn't the most shocking thing in the world to him. This is a subtle but important point to emphasize. I'd actually drop it into its own paragraph and tweak it just slightly to keep it detached from Lucas: "That's unnerving."
- Side note: There's also a touch of dry humor here that I did not know would match your writing perfectly when I first came up with this idea, so... That worked out nicely. XD

And then we get to something that actually bothers him - bodies dropping. That's sort of a big deal. I'd cut the entire section from "but" to "him," and start a new sentence (and paragraph) with the next "But." You don't need to say "Lucas" again, here or later, because we already know you're talking about him, so just saying "he" is sufficient.

Then we get to "unspilled secrets." That's kind of a weird phrase. I think "With secrets to hide" works better here, and that's all I'd change about that next sentence.

The last sentence does need a little work, though. I know from reading the first chapter the significance of "them," but I didn't know it at first, and this threw me. Setting it apart with quotation marks tells any potential readers that you chose that word on purpose. Then, period for an abrupt stop, capitalize "but," and drop that into its own paragraph for one last punch.

And that's what you have here, and that's what fine-tuning like this amps up. Punch and shock. This is an attention-grabbing blurb, telling potential readers to expect voices, secrets, and murders, all centered on an ambiguous character who's as mysterious as the rest of the book.

Cover: 10/10
I love this cover. It's simple. It's really, really simple, almost to the point of complexity, and sometimes, simple is best. The gray-scale is perfect. The lines of blocky text saying "LISTENTOMELISTENTOME" look to me like one of those moving walkways in an airport, and the man's walking alongside it, looking in that direction with his hands in his pockets in this disinterested manner, just like me glancing over at the people on the moving walkway. It makes me wonder. The title, SHE TOLD ME, in simple white blocky lettering, and then that text walkway - it all makes me wonder. How invested is he in listening to her? Is he ignoring her, and the walkway is part of a progression in her adamant attempts to get his attention? And the lighting. He's walking toward a light source, which is not parallel to the walkway, and the shadow the light casts behind him shows how he's turning his back on the words... Then, in quiet, smaller white lettering, your name above the title. Visible, but not distracting from the rest of it at all. Yeah, never mind, not simple at all, and I figured that would be the case when I started analyzing this cover.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 7/10
Author's note: Yay for content warnings! It wouldn't be a bad idea to put them in the blurb, too, but with this kind of book, people drawn in by the blurb probably don't care too much about hallucinations, drug use, and swearing. I mean, if they're okay with hearing voices and murders and serial killers, the rest is probably fine, right? ;)

Chapter 1: I know from reading the rest of the chapter that you mean "them," but at first, it feels like you made a mistake and meant to put "her." Same suggestion for the blurb - just put it in quotation marks so the reader knows this is intentional.

Dialogue is its own monster, so I'll bundle everything about it at the end.

In the third paragraph, you should actually split the second sentence into two. I'd probably do a comma after "name" and a period after "me," although you might consider rephrasing to "but that's my fault." "Classmates'" is plural, so the apostrophe should go after the "s." I don't think you necessarily need the comma after "day," but it's probably not wrong to leave it there, either. Also, side note, hilarious to think about a voice in your head ranking its favorite ice cream flavors. Bonus points for this. ;)

The paragraph starting with "He chuckles" should actually be three sentences. Each section between commas is a complete sentence, so just swap the commas for periods, and you're good. And, side note, sadness about the friend situation. I can see why he'd rather listen to a friendly voice in his head. 🙁

You could tack the sentence starting with "Something" on to the previous sentence by swapping a comma for that period. I think that flows better so we know what she's talking about as soon as he hears her start back up. And how are you making the voice in his head funny? I did not expect humor in a thriller book about a serial killer! XD

For the first sentence after the line break, I think using a hyphen instead of a period and linking to that next statement adds emphasis to their absence. (And that last sentence may or may not have been me once upon a time.) Swap the comma after "sigh" for a period, and then flip the word order slightly for the next sentence: "You almost burn down your kitchen one time..." and then continue as written. And again with the humor here! Didn't anybody tell you these stories aren't supposed to be funny? (Ignore me and continue with the humor. I love it. It's a great contrast.)

Next paragraph, I'd insert a comma after "TV" and remove the comma after "screaming," and it should be "It's" because it's the contraction of "It is."

The "them" situation. This is where I realized you meant it earlier. First sentence, I'd put the first "them" in quotation marks and leave "save" out in the rest of the sentence, and then swap the last comma for a colon and do the same thing again. You could throw in an "always" for emphasis, too. (She's always screaming at me to save "them," sometimes yelling, sometimes begging, the message is always the same: Save "them.") And you don't need the comma after "hour," but it's probably fine to leave it there.

When he's falling asleep, I think a comma after "light sleeper" and cutting "still" out feels better. Waking up to a burning building wouldn't be pleasant even if he were a heavy sleeper, which is why I don't think you need "still." Later, when she's repeating herself, I think flipping words slightly improves the flow: "oblivious, as usual, to my request." And, in the last paragraph, I'd stick a comma after "before."

Last but not least, dialogue. This is a common area for confusion because there are so many rules. First, punctuation within the dialogue. You always need punctuation inside the quotation marks to close the dialogue out. If the dialogue doesn't lead into a dialogue tag, you need something final (period, exclamation mark, question mark, or ellipsis). So, when the voice says his name, the way you've described it makes an ellipsis sound perfect to me ("Lucas..."). It's soft and has that trailing off effect. Later, when Lucas speaks for the first time, the second section of his dialogue should end with a period ("...all day.").

If the dialogue leads into a dialogue tag, the list of punctuation you can use changes (comma instead of a period, exclamation mark, question mark, or ellipsis). The way you know if this is the case is by looking at the sentence following the dialogue. Is it a complete sentence? Is it incomplete or directly describing how the dialogue is spoken? So, when Lucas responds to the boy, "I reply" is directly describing how he's speaking the dialogue, and you need a comma to close out the dialogue. ("Sometimes," I reply.)

Punctuation before the dialogue can be tricky, too, but it's the same concept. If the sentence before the dialogue can stand alone, end it completely (using a period, exclamation mark, question mark, or ellipsis). If it leads directly into the dialogue, use the second list (comma, exclamation mark, question mark, or ellipsis). So, when the boy first speaks to Lucas, it should be a period. (He grins at me. "You run here often?").

Capitalization rules for normal sentences apply here, too. Treat the first word in a section of dialogue as the first word of a sentence, which means capitalize it, as I did in that last example there.

And, of course, you put in a few exceptions to the rule in this chapter. Setting "them" apart in quotation marks does not make it dialogue, so you don't have to treat it that way. Setting Lucas' thoughts apart in single quotation marks would normally mean you follow the same rules as you do for double quotation marks, but the way you lead it into the next sentence with "is" makes it so you don't need any punctuation leading out of it. I can't really explain why. 😅

So, overall, this is good. This is really good. I was not expecting a school-age boy from the blurb, but I don't think you should change anything about the blurb to say that. I also wasn't expecting humor. How do you make voices in someone's head funny? Listing favorite ice cream flavors, rambling on about what she doesn't like about computers - this is funny. And Lucas' reaction to her is also humorous. It's sad that he's in a situation where befriending the voice in his head is a better option than not having friends and never seeing his parents, but even so, his attitude toward her is amusing. He finds her interesting, and he talks back to her, even though there's no indication that she listens to him. Lucas' personality is really relatable, too. Lonely kid who's an overall good guy, just living life and dealing with the hand he's dealt, even if that means a voice screaming in his head for a half hour every night. He's really likable, and I'm already invested in him and this strange voice in his head.

*****

Digging deeper: 78/100

Cover & title: 10/10
You fixed the capitalization in your title, and your cover is still perfect. Funny thing, now I know you used a template in Canva for this cover, but there's nothing wrong with that. Not everybody can be a graphics designer. You tweaked the cover to fit your book, and it does that perfectly.

Blurb: 5/5
Yes! Love the changes you made. Only thing now, you might want to add a comma after "unnerving," but it's probably fine without it. But the phrasing and the mystery amplifies the hook, and the question brings it down to the reader: do you want to know who will save him or what the heck is going on? Click "read" for yes. 🙂

Grammar & voice: 5/20
It's been a while since I started reading this, thanks to The Time of the Great Judging (cue dramatic music), but you've cleaned it up a lot. The only issue I'm really seeing is capitalization to start dialogue and an occasional missed punctuation mark exiting dialogue. It's kind of weird, but if your dialogue leads into dialogue, you should capitalize the first letter of the dialogue like you would a new sentence. But if your dialogue leads into your dialogue tag, the first letter of the dialogue tag is lowercase. Weird, I know, but there it is.

I rolled my eyes and said, "C'mon, Cathy, give me a break."
"Who are you talking to?" the guy at the desk next to me asked.

But that's literally the only thing I'm seeing, and it doesn't affect the readability of the story at all. You have a very clear voice, and it truly sounds as though Lucas, a normal 18-year-old boy, is just narrating his day, and that's the story. It's very natural.

Oh, although there is an instance where a teacher uses the slang "'cause" instead of "because," and since they're a teacher, I'd probably switch that out to the proper "because."

Plot & pacing: 10/10
The pacing is perfect. You take your time to introduce the reader to the setting and to Lucas, filling in the background info we need and allowing us to get a feel for Lucas and an average day in his life before bodies start dropping. I love how he doesn't name Cathy until the story starts. That makes the naming feel personal to the reader. But you don't take too long to get into the plot, so the story doesn't drag. The first body falls at just the right time. Well, not for the victim...

This is such an interesting concept to me because I haven't seen it done before. Typical teenage boy, used to moving frequently and doing without his busy parents most of the time, used to having no friends, so when a voice shows up in his head and won't leave, it doesn't bother him that much. She seems nice, and she keeps him company, although she can't hear him. The half hour of screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night isn't ideal, but it's tolerable. Everything feels so natural about this. It's even easy to accept the voice in his head. It all just works.

Characterization: 15/20
Lucas is a believable, relatable character. He just seems like a nice guy, the kind of guy you'd want to have as a friend. And his parents, who we learn about through his narration, are believable and real, too. They don't leave him alone because they don't love him. They just don't have their priorities in the right order. The kids he meets in his new school could be in anybody's class. Well, maybe not Mia. She's kind of creepy at this point in the story (five chapters in). I won't say she's the murderer yet, because that's way too obvious, but she's definitely suspicious.

Cathy is really interesting, because we don't get the valuable character interaction between her and Lucas to show more of her personality. It's one way. Does she even know she's in Lucas' head? We don't know at this point. She's just the chatty girl who rambles on about anything and everything, often in a way she wouldn't think of as humorous, but it comes across that way because of Lucas' perception of it. Talking about favorite ice cream. Complaining about homework and computers. I can see why she doesn't bother Lucas too much, because aside from his loneliness, she seems like a nice girl. If she was an actual person in his school, he'd probably be friends with her. Well, if he was brave enough to initiate a conversation with her, or she was extroverted enough to latch onto him, anyway.

Your area for improvement here is your physical character descriptions, and descriptions in general, which I'll go into later, but for now, I'll just focus on the characters. I can't picture any of them. What does Lucas see when he looks in the mirror? What does Cory look like, or Maya, or Mia? Hair color? Eye color? Skin tone, height? Adding these details will help bring the story to life by allowing the reader to envision the characters and the scenes.

Harmony within genre: 15/15
Mystery/thriller. Check. We have a mysterious voice in Lucas' head screaming about saving people in the middle of the night; we have a dead student and a creepy girl who threatens Lucas about telling anybody what he saw; and we have the sudden and brief instance of Cathy saying something that relates to the subject Lucas was thinking about. Yep. That about does it.

Originality: 18/20
This is definitely original. I've talked about the plot already, but the story has a great hook, and it's very engaging because of how relatable Lucas is. It's easy to empathize with him. The only real issue here is the descriptive element, as I mentioned above. It struck me as strange when I read hyenas got to the body before the police did, because without the environmental description, I automatically reverted to what I knew—the US. There are no hyenas packs roaming around American city streets (I hope). So, this is obviously not in America, but I don't know where it is. The town is beautiful, but what does that mean? Lucas is a teenage boy, so I don't expect him to be as observant as another narrator might be, but he would notice some details. You don't need to get flowery or anything. Just add a little color to the sketch so the reader can see it better.

*****

Final thoughts:
Looking for a murder mystery with a down-to-earth, relatable protagonist and a unique twist? This story may be just the thing for you. Eighteen-year-old Lucas Hill is a senior in high school starting over in a new town—again—but he doesn't let that bother him too much. He's used to moving frequently for his parents' jobs, and he's used to them leaving him alone most of the time, too. So when a chatty girl shows up in his head, he doesn't mind. She seems nice enough. Sure, she wakes him up in the middle of the night every night screaming bloody murder, but that only lasts a half hour, and the rest of the time, she just rambles about anything and everything that comes to mind. He can deal with that. Until her ramblings become warnings and the bodies start dropping, that is. He can't just sit back and watch his new friends die when the voice gives him advance notice of a murder, but trying to save them may end up getting him killed. Unless he can find the killer first.