Title: 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐁𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐚𝐥 by MatheoRiddlexo07
Source: Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024 by TheHappyWriters
Category: Harry Potter fandom
Mature: Y (strong swearing, underage drinking, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
Round 1: 28/40
Round 2: 94/100
Round 3: 91/100
Round 4: 92/100 (3rd place)
Special Award: Rising Star

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*****

Round 1: 28/40

Title: 10/10
Yes. Just yes.

Cover: 10/10
There are times when simple is best, and this is one of them. The font choice, size, and placement for the title is perfect, and the same for your name. I would normally say you should cut the tilde (~) before your name, but in this instance, since your name is so close to the title, I think it should stay. But, yeah, this gray-scale, this unhappy profile - goes great with the title. Expect darkness. Check.

Summary: 2/10
This isn't really a blurb. It's just quotes from the story, and without context, it doesn't mean anything to a potential reader. Yeah, it's angsty, and we learn what I assume is the main character's name, but there isn't a hook here. I'd recommend checking out this chapter by justwriteit about writing a logline and story pitch. It's something I referenced a lot when I first discovered, and I still come back to it from time-to-time for a refresher: https://www.wattpad.com/1357752761-8-chapter-challenge-story-logline-and-pitch

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 6/10
Year 3 cast and intro: A casual tone is fine, but you really shouldn't use texting language here. You want people to read your story, and this sets the reader up to expect you to write in text language, too. Same thing with capitalization of names, proper nouns, and titles, and with punctuation. It's a pain to worry about when you're texting, but it's expected in a story. An occasional blip of text speak here or there isn't a big deal, but overall, you should try to give the impression that yes, you're speaking casually, but you also know how to write.

Prologue: Same kind of notes about the author's note before and after the story. Again, you don't have to sound like a professional wearing a three-piece suit, but going from the intro to this and seeing that author's note gives the immediate impression that text speak is what the reader can expect. But when you get into the story, your writing is really good. It's clean, it's descriptive, your dialogue is natural, your SPAG is solid - you know what you're doing. So, I'd drop the author's note at the top down to the bottom, so anybody who had their doubts after the intro sees your actual writing and is like, "Oh, yeah, they can write." Same thing with the little comment in the middle of the story. That's distracting, and it fits better with the rest of your casual author's note. And you can cut "Context" out, too. My only actual suggestion about the story is the transition. "After a year" doesn't quite do it for me. It still feels too sudden, too drastic to go from a very broad overview to a specific moment in time in the middle of an argument. Honestly, I think it's just as simple as changing "after a year" to "But a year later..." And, without "Context" in bold and that little comment in bold that interrupts the text, making "But a year later..." bold would stand out and tell the reader to reset their mind for a change.

Chapter 1: So, same suggestions about shuffling all the author's notes and side comments to the bottom. This isn't as clean as the prologue. There's missing punctuation, names that aren't capitalized; just things you can catch next time you get a chance to go through and proofread. I know you're currently writing the story, so just something to keep in the back of your mind when you finish this draft.

My biggest suggestion here, beyond the proofreading, is Theo's POV. I would actually bump that up to come right after the scene with Cassie and Regulus. Its current position interrupts the flow of the story, but moving it up would give a nice introduction for her outside of the home. Because she definitely acts differently with Regulus than she does at school. At home, we get the sweet little daughter act with some sass thrown in, but at school, she's a force to be reckoned with.

Another benefit of moving Theo's POV up is that you can eliminate the little headings that you use to introduce and end it. You can just use the asterisk divider again, and that plus the italics is enough to tell the reader we're shifting gears here. The first time you use "he," just swap it out for Theo's name, so we know whose thoughts were getting a peek at. I would also clean the first person up a bit. More casual than the third person narrative is fine and expected, but that doesn't mean you can skip capitalization and punctuation and all that. It feels like it's just another author's note otherwise, and Theo's voice needs to be different and distinct from yours.

But, as with the prologue, your descriptions are great, your dialogue is natural, you introduce multiple characters with minimal confusion, and I'm already scared of Cassie. Forget the Golden Trio. This girl is way more trouble than they are, and Sirius is going to regret abandoning her before too long, I'm sure.

*****

Rubric:
- Title: 10
- Book cover: 10
- Summary: 10
- Descriptiveness: 10
- Reader engagement: 10
- Plot uniqueness: 10
- Character development: 10
- Creativity: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar/punctuation: 10
Total: 100

*****

Round 2: 94/100

Title: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Book cover: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Summary: 10/10
Yes! Perfect! This is exactly what I look for in a blurb. Just enough info to pique the reader's interest without giving too much away, written to grab and hook the reader in. Yes! Great job. 🙂

Descriptiveness: 8/10
Could your descriptions be more vivid? Yeah, probably. Could you describe more things? Yes, sure. But what you have is really good, and what you describe in the most detail is always whatever is most important. You draw on multiple senses, and when you want the reader to see something, you make it happen.

Reader engagement: 9/10
This story really has some drive. It's not for everyone, but for those who tend toward Slytherin and dark magic, this is exactly what they want. The way you blend your story with canon is flawless, and Cassie's blunt way of cutting through all the layers to the bare truth is basically a representation of what the reader does after they learn what's actually going on behind the scenes. She's not the most relatable character, but she's vivid, she's comfortable in her own skin, and she really doesn't care what the readers think of her, anyway. That kind of confidence draws her classmates to her, and it draws the readers to her, too. Assuming they like Slytherin, dark magic, and a bad girl who is not afraid to shoot first and ask questions later.

Plot uniqueness: 10/10
I'm sure you're not the only person writing a Harry Potter fanfiction from the Slytherin point of view, and I know you're not the only person who takes potshots at the original characters. But Cassie's backstory is unique, her impact on Hogwarts is unique, and although the story is thus far following canon, I can see that it's about to take a strange turn.

Character development: 8/10
This early in the story, I don't expect much character development, especially when the time period covered is only a few days. But your characters are unique, distinct, realistic (-ish, in the case of Cassie), memorable, and just overall fantastic. I didn't include "relatable" in that list, which I usually include, because most people probably can't relate to Cassie. That doesn't mean we can't understand her. We certainly know enough to get out of the way when she walks in the room.

Creativity: 10/10
Cassie and her backstory are creative enough, but then there's the impact she's having on her classmates in Slytherin and the teachers, all the way up to Dumbledore. She's shaking Hogwarts from the ground up, and every new detail you add about her increases my impression that Voldemort may not be the biggest threat right now.

Writing style: 10/10
It's clear, it's understandable, it drives - it's just great. You know exactly what you want Cassie to be, and you know exactly how to show her to the readers. The pacing is good. The character development is good. The descriptions are good. This is a story that reads well, and for those who like dark fantasy, this is for them.

Grammar/punctuation: 9/10
There are a couple of minor errors in each chapter. Maybe a handful at most. But they're rare, and they're minor, and overall, this is really clean writing.

*****

Round 3: 91/100

Title: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Cover: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Summary: 10/10
See round two feedback.

Descriptiveness: 8/10
See round two feedback.

Reader engagement: 8/10
It seems like chapters 6-10 are ones you wrote all at once in a rush, based on your style and the author's notes, which is fine. That just gives a very definite first draft feel, so the story is less polished, there are more grammatical errors, things can be too rushed or too slow—but the story is still good. It's just not on the same level as the first five chapters. I think that's the main reason for any points dropped. It just needs some cleaning up, so just something to keep in mind when you finish writing the story and you go back for editing.

Plot uniqueness: 10/10
This has not changed. Still unique. I noticed you drew on a lot from the actual book over these chapters, but your plot hinges on the main storyline, and especially in a first draft, you're going to rely more heavily on canon.

Character development: 8/10
Leaving this the same score. There's definite growth and development in Cassie's friend group and in her interactions with Harry, but Cassie's character feels significantly different in these chapters. Softer. She's not the scary, super-powerful, super-smart witch—she's the semi-irritable goth girl in the back of the class. It feels to me like her character has regressed into something it's not supposed to be, and I think this goes back to what I mentioned under "Reader engagement"—this is a section you wrote really fast all at once, so when you go back for editing, you may want to make some changes to her character here to keep her in line with the image you set at the beginning of the story.

Creativity: 10/10
You wrote several 20+ minute chapters in a very short time period, sometimes multiple 20+ minute chapters in the same day. If that doesn't reek of creativity, I don't know what does.

Writing style: 9/10
I took one point off here for the reasons listed in "Reader engagement." Your style is still great, but it's just not as polished over these chapters.

Grammar/punctuation: 8/10
And same here. Things definitely get messy, and if it weren't for the first five chapters, I'd probably drop another point here, but it's just proofreading errors you can easily fix when you go back and edit.

*****

Round 4: 92/100

Title: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Cover: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Summary: 10/10
See round two feedback.

Descriptiveness: 9/10
You've beefed your descriptions as the story has progressed. I approve. 🙂

Reader engagement: 10/10
Full points here. The Q&A was a neat idea. You really work to solicit feedback from your readers, and you modify your plans based on what they say, so this really is a dynamic story. I'm sure you have larger plot ideas somewhat planned out, or you at least have an idea of what you want to do and where you want to go, but you keep it flexible. I like it.

Plot uniqueness: 9/10
I dropped a point here because you've drawn a lot from the books, especially when life has prevented you from writing as much as you'd like, but I feel like this is really getting ready to take off. And you're still keeping Cassie and her unique perspective in full view, while adding plenty of your unique story to canon. I'm slightly concerned about how the Triwizard Tournament will go with Cassie in the mix. 😅

Character development: 10/10
Giving you full points for this. I feel like the story from chapter 11 on really makes more sense of Cassie's character in chapters 6-10. The two sides balance out. The scary, super-powerful, potentially psychotic witch versus the irritable goth girl—she's both of those, and she's also more than those. She's a really complex character with sudden strange bursts of kindness, mostly hidden behind this bad-tempered front of power she uses to keep from getting hurt. The pain of Sirius' rejection hits home, as does Theo's accusation that she's pushing people away because of fear, and we're already getting a taste of new developments in her character with hints of jealousy and protectiveness. And, of course, she isn't the only character getting developed. Her relationship with Professor McGonagall is surprising but interesting, and of course, who can say they don't like her Uncle Moony and her sympathy toward Hagrid?

Creativity: 9/10
As I said earlier, you drew a lot from the books, especially toward the end of year three, which is to be expected. That was the climax of the actual year three book. But you also have tons of your unique story in here, and you keep throwing new twists and curves into the plot to keep the readers on their toes. And multiple new original characters for year four? Buckle up, everybody. This will be a wild ride.

Writing style: 8/10
I can definitely tell when you're rushing to get a chapter out and when you have more time to sit down and plan it through better. This is still engaging and well-written regardless, but some chapters are a bit messier than others.

Grammar/punctuation: 7/10
Same thing here. Squeezing an ongoing story in between the realities of life and college and illness is difficult, and if you wait until a chapter's perfect before you post it, especially with all that going on, you'll never finish this. So, yeah, there are errors, more so when you're rushed, but nothing that reduces the readability of the story, and nothing that proofreading when you get the time won't catch.

*****

Special Awards: Rising Star
I had to nominate one of the nine entries I judged for this category, and I wasn't sure how to go about doing that. Should I base it on the newest date of publishing? Highest number of reads? Highest vote count? A combination of all three? So, I made three lists, one for each of those categories, and this book topped the charts in all three categories. I'm not even joking. It has the newest date of publishing (04/02/2024), the highest number of reads (30.2k), and the highest number of votes (837). The people have spoken, and you are undeniably a Rising Star.