Title: Runaway Princess by BookLover3062
Source: Feedback request
Genre: Fantasy
Mature: N (PG level death and violence)
Status: Complete
LGBTQIAP+: N
First impressions: 32/40
Digging deeper: 91/100
Final thoughts: Complete

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. → 

*****

First impressions: 32/40

Title: 10/10
I love princess stories, and the concept of a runaway princess? Hm, so many options. Running from duty, running from tragedy, running to freedom—color me intrigued.

Story description: 7/10
Since the blurb preview has limited character space, I'd recommend moving the series information down. I'm also not a fan of excerpts from the story being in the blurb, especially being first in the blurb, and this particular sentence feels a little awkward to me, so I don't really feel like it's putting your best foot forward.

Addendum: And it's not an excerpt, so it feels strange to have it in the blurb at all.

So, I'd start the blurb with "Princess Sunny has had to..." That sentence has a similar issue with awkward phrasing, and I think that's because of all the prepositions. You could reword and condense a little to smooth it out: "Princess Sunny has to abandon her castle when an evil wizard takes over her kingdom." Then, I'd cut the question, because it's too early to ask questions. A potential reader doesn't know enough and isn't interested enough for you to hook them by planting questions in their mind, so it's better to leave questions until the end, after they know more. Also, this question seems redundant, because you just told us she left her home, so that's not even a question.

As for the next paragraph/sentence, I'd move that up to the first paragraph and make it the second sentence. There's a good flow between them. I'd also move the last paragraph/sentence up and make it the third sentence in this paragraph, but I'd tweak it slightly by changing "encounters" to "will encounter." I'm back and forth about the latter half of that sentence—the part with the question. The sentence doesn't feel right without the question, but having a separate question split from the main blurb into its own paragraph works really well to hook potential readers. Maybe you could add a new "Can she..." question after this paragraph, something that narrows the focus from her, her family, and the magical creatures down to just her and her capabilities. You could bring the blurb back to the first sentence by including the castle in that last question, too. Asking if she's capable of reclaiming her kingdom would be a great way to tie this all back to the initial conflict of her abandoning her home.

The quantity and quality of information here is perfect, though. You've introduced the protagonist, the antagonist, and the supporting cast, along with the plot conflict, all without giving too much away. The initial impression is of a children's fantasy that hits all the highlights: princess, evil wizard, magical creatures, and the battle between good and evil. This has the makings of a nice, straightforward story, with clear-cut right and wrong instead of the morally ambiguous gray found in many fantasy stories, and that can be very refreshing to read.

Cover: 8/10
I like the imagery on the cover, with the shadowy forest and the soft white light in the distance, but the text is too dark, and it blends in too much with the background image. "Runaway" isn't bad, but "Princess" doesn't pop out enough, partly because it's too small, so the title also feels unbalanced. As for the text with the series name and your name, it's too small to read. Even when I click the book on your profile on the site to pull up a larger image, I still have to squint to make that text out, partly because of the color. I love the font choice for all three sections of text, though, and I definitely wouldn't change that.

Starting with the title, I like the way "Princess" sits on the ground, but I'm not sure increasing the size and leaving it in that location would look right. If that's what you end up doing, I'd recommend adding a thin border to the letters in something like gold to make it stand out a little more from the brown background. But if that doesn't look right, you could consider moving your name down to the ground and the entire title up into the lighter part of the cover, which would make the complete title stand out much more.

Whatever you end up doing, I'd bump the size of your name up a bit and probably add a thin border to that, because the dark leaves behind it make some letters disappear, and if you move it down to the dirt, it will definitely blend in too much as is. I think the gold for the series name is good, but it just needs to be a few shades brighter. You could consider making the gold lines under the series name brighter, too, but since they're not as important, they're also fine as is.

Overall, this is a gorgeous cover, and I think the text just needs a little tweaking. Kudos to eggyeuls for a job well done.

First chapter: 7/10
So, you have the full story all in one chapter, and you also have it split into individual chapters. And I like that set-up. It's not a long read, but if somebody's really pressed for time, they can take a couple of minutes, read one smaller chapter, and then come back to the next later. I decided to give my inline feedback on the smaller chapters, and then reread the full story for the review. That makes reviewing tricky, because I have a three-part review, but I've made it work for another single-chapter story before, so I'm giving it a go.

Grammatically, there are consistent minor errors throughout, but nothing that impedes the clarity and coherency of the story. I noted errors as I found them in the inline comments, and I'll go into them in a little more detail in the next part of the review. But for the rest of this part, I'm going to cheat. This is the comment I just added at the end of the full story chapter:

Overall, this is a really cute story. It's that basic good-versus-evil fantasy where you don't have to worry about morally gray characters or complicated backstories. Not everything needs an explanation, and everybody knows who the heroes and the villains are. I could see this being a cute illustrated children's book that would be a favorite bedtime story for little girls wanting to be princesses. 😊👑

*****

Digging deeper: 91/100

Cover & title: 8/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Story description: 3/5
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Grammar & voice: 15/20
Like I said before, grammatical errors are minor, but they are consistent. One common problem area is dialogue tags. You get the punctuation right, but sometimes, you forget to make the first word of the dialogue tag lowercase.

Possessive nouns also give you some trouble. To make a noun possessive, add an apostrophe to the end of the word. If the word doesn't end in an "s," also add that (so: 's). If the word does end in an "s," the rules are a bit more complicated, but you don't have any possessive nouns already ending in an "s" in this story. Long story short, you don't have to add an "s" after the apostrophe in these cases, but it's probably fine if you do.

You have a tendency to overuse commas (I do, too), but there are places here or there where commas are missing. I think I noted most of these in the inline comments, so I won't get into all the rules here. Because there are many, and they're a pain. Commas may or may not be the bane of my existence.

There's one section in the second or third part of the story where you slip into the present tense, and it's important to stick with one tense throughout for clarity, so those verbs need to become past tense. Also, I added a note for the first two section dividers, but I don't think you need any of them. I'm guessing you have them in place to mark where the chapter divides are for the split version, and it's probably fine for you to leave them, but I think they halt the flow of the story in the full version.

As for your writing voice, you have a very clear style that's perfect for a children's story, which I envy so much. I really struggle to write for an audience that's less than 18, never mind pre-teens and younger, and many other authors struggle with this, too. There's a special kind of talent involved in creating a good story at a reading level that kids can understand and parents or adults can enjoy reading, too.

Plot & pacing: 10/10
The pacing is perfect. It never wastes time explaining details that aren't important to a children's story (like how Katherine got that whistle), and it never rushes through the details that are important, like Katherine introducing Sunny to Dewdrop. The plot is simple and straightforward, but interesting enough to keep kids' attention, especially the battle at the end. And a nice happily ever after ending wraps the whole thing up in a neat bow.

Characterization: 20/20
If this were an adult fiction book, I'd say you needed more detail here, but this is, again, perfect for a children's story. Sunny is simply a brave princess determined to fight evil and save her kingdom, and Katherine is a bright little girl whose eavesdropping finally paid off. Dewdrop has wise, kind characteristics, while Thunder is less defined, but he isn't a main character, so he doesn't need more than what's shown in the story. The little note about Sunny and Katherine's grandmother's words of wisdom adds more wholesomeness to the undisputed heroes of the story and also makes them more relatable to kids, many of whom can relate to having a close relationship with a grandparent.

Tamish is the stereotypical bad guy, and all we need to know about him is that he took over Sunny's kingdom and he uses Foule magic. Having him summon a dragon to fight the alicorns emphasizes the clear distinction between good and evil, as does the teamwork the good guys use to fight the bad guy.

Harmony within genre: 15/15
Magic, princess, mythical creatures—yep, this is Fantasy.

Originality: 20/20
The basic story of good versus evil is extremely common, as are stories about strong princesses who don't need a knight in shining armor to save the day, but I really like your take on these themes. The little details about Sunny's flight from home, her family, the alicorns, and the magical fight at the end mark this as uniquely yours.

*****

Final thoughts:
Long, intricate fantasies with morally gray characters are great, but sometimes, you just need something short, sweet, and straightforward. Maybe something about a teenage princess on a quest to save her kingdom from an evil wizard. Something with unicorns. No, wait—alicorns. What could be better than a unicorn with wings? How about a teenage princess and her younger cousin flying on an alicorn? And then fighting a magical battle with an evil wizard? Because girl power rocks, and sometimes, a happily ever after is the perfect ending—no matter how old (or young) you are.