Title: 𝐌𝐲 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 by shinhaari
Source: ᴬʳᵗⁱˢᵗⁱᶜ ᴱˣᵖʳᵉˢˢⁱᵒⁿˢ ᴬʷᵃʳᵈˢ by janefanfics
Category: Vivid Imagery
Mature: Y
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
Special note (judging): I had five books from this category, and the other judge, randomlygore, had five books
Special note (rubric): I'd already begun judging this with one rubric, and then the other judge reached out about that rubric, and after some discussion, we decided to change it. So, I've included the feedback that isn't in the new rubric in an Extras section at the bottom.
Score: 88/100

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*****

Rubric:
- Descriptive language (30): Use of rich, descriptive language that paints a clear and vivid picture in the reader's mind.
- Emotional impact (25): The imagery evokes strong emotions or reactions from the reader.
- Originality & creativity (25): Use of unique, creative imagery that stands out from common or cliché descriptions.
- Clarity & coherence (20): The imagery is clear, and the language is well-organized and easy to follow.
Total: 100

*****

Total score: 88/100

Descriptive language: 25/30
You knocked this out of the ballpark with the very first paragraph. It was like reading a painting. Every word, from the verb "daubed" to the adjectives describing each color in the sky, was just beautiful. It was poetic.

And then you kept doing that. Over and over and over again. Sight, sound, touch, smell, taste—you hit every single one to not only create a vivid image in the reader's mind, but to put them directly into the scene, where they see what the characters see, hear what they hear, touch what they touch, smell the food cooking, taste each meal. It's amazing.

There are a few areas where you're lacking, and two of those are dialogue and character interactions. They're just not as vivid as other details. The dialogue feels a little unnatural, but I think that's because everything else is so clear, and this isn't. Adding in more about how the speakers are talking—are they angry? Shy? Using raised or hushed voices? What about facial expressions? Is Yoongi smirking, or is Soo Ah blushing? What about inner thoughts and feelings? Does she get butterflies in her stomach when he gives her his scarf? Is he surprised that his cat likes her right away? You have some of this already, and you don't have to do a full, in-depth paragraph after every line of dialogue, but expanding upon what you have would really help to make this area of your writing as strong and descriptive as every other area.

Another area is character descriptions, the actual physical characteristics. How tall is he? Is she a lot shorter, or close to the same height? What about her build? He notes her hair color, but that's about it. What do their eyes look like? This is another aspect that can really add to your dialogue and character interactions, because you can say his eyes are flashing, and that tells me he's angry, or you can say she glances at him and then averts her eyes quickly, and that tells me she's flustered and nervous. How about clothes? You have little bits about the shirt he's wearing, the sweater she knits, the scarf he puts around her neck, but what about what she is wearing? That's actually where this is most lacking. And I'll be the first to say that this is not my favorite area when it comes to adding descriptive detail into my stories, because I don't notice clothes much in real life, so I have to force myself to include this detail in writing, but it really adds to the overall picture.

Same with the environment. You do outside well, but there could be more inside. Furniture, wall color, type of flooring. There's some of this here and there, but a little more would be nice.

Emotional impact: 20/25
Almost there. I smile when she touches his face, almost as if she isn't sure he's real, and I shake my head when he tells her to stop touching him. It's cute, it has a subtle humor, and the change in Yoongi as he relaxes around her is very obvious. But, as I mentioned above, it could be better. Working on more descriptive dialogue and character interactions will bump this up even more.

Originality & creativity: 25/25
Um, yes? I love how you've set this in a Chinese New Year celebration. It's not something I'm really familiar with, so I get to learn right alongside Yoongi, and the meaning behind each tradition just adds more depth to this story. All of your descriptive elements are very, very unique and, as I mentioned above, poetic.

Clarity & coherence: 18/20
There are some little things here or there that feel a bit off to me in the wording, and I'm guessing that's just a language issue. English is weird, to be fair. But, the story is still clear, and it's very readable. Actually, adding more descriptive elements to the character interactions will bump this up, because that's the most common area where the picture gets fuzzy.

Extras (old rubric):
Title: Lavender is definitely a soothing scent, and combining it with "serene" in the title just makes this title so calming. I like it.

Cover: I like the color scheme with the mix of lavender and baby blue, and the spheres giving a soft glow and detail are nice, too, and I like the image of Min Yoongi. It all blends together really well. Sometimes, character images can feel too copy/paste, but this doesn't. The text is where I have suggestions. With the calming effect of the title and the colors, along with the subtitle, balance feels like it's really important. You don't want any dissonance here. This needs to be as relaxed and soothing as everything else. So, first and foremost, the title. I like the font style, color, and size, but the placement feels off, especially since there's so much blank space in the upper right-hand corner and on the middle left side. And I know this has to do with the Korean and Chinese characters. The two names separated by the little heart at the top are very cute, but what if you tried moving those to top-to-bottom format in the middle left-hand section? Then center the title. To balance it even more, I'd suggest changing the Chinese script to the same (or as similar as possible) hand-written font as the names.

Next up would be your name. It's a bit jarring right now. The font is too strict and harsh, the size is too big, and the way it's right at the bottom, almost as if it's cut off, doesn't work with the rest of this. I think this is an opportunity to remove some symmetry, because having one thing that isn't exactly centered or exactly mirrored will actually add to the soft effect, because strict symmetry can feel too restricting. So, if you cut the "By," shrink the font size, play with the font style and effects to soften the edges, and then shift this up just a little and to the right, I think that would add to the overall gentle feel of this cover.

Summary: All the names right at the beginning feel a bit too much. Jung Soo Ah is your main character, so you definitely want her name first. Maybe flip the sentence around to split the names up a bit, or split the info over a couple of sentences? Something like, "A Chinese New Year celebration at Jung Soo Ah's grandparents' home leads to a surprise meeting when her cousin, Jung Hoseok, brings his friend Min Yoongi along." That doesn't feel quite right to me, but hopefully, you get the idea. Something just to space those three names out so they don't one right the other.

In the second sentence of the second paragraph, the phrasing feels a little off to me. I think changing either "why" to "that" or "finds it intriguing" to "wonders" would fix that.

And in the third paragraph, there's the same thing going on with the second sentence. It just feels awkward to me. I think just swapping "tend to be surmounted" to "arise" would fix it, though. But overall, this is a soft blurb that matches the soothing vibe of the title and the cover, and that is the hook in this case. This isn't supposed to be a hard, sharp hook, because that's not the story, so you've nailed that.

Also, side note, I'm playing soothing music right now for my cats because we're getting new windows put in today, and they're a little concerned. I did not realize I'd be reading your story right now. But it works. I have spa music going while I sit in a (relatively) quiet room, reading and petting cats, so I feel like I'm in the perfect mindset for your story. 😊