Title: Grim by ShortyWolf20 and Agc1019
Source: Review request
Genre: Fanfiction
Subgenre: Fantasy
Fandom: Harry Potter book series by J. K. Rowling
Mature: N (strong profanity, violence, blood, medical depictions)
LGBTQIAP+: G (main character), Q (mention)
Status: Ongoing
First impressions: 32/40
Digging deeper: 81/100

Final thoughts: Complete

Special note: Chapter 13 was the last available chapter as of the publishing of this review.

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

First impressions total: 32/40

Title: 10/10
I don't know of a more perfect title for a Harry Potter fanfiction centered on Sirius Black.

Blurb/synopsis: 7/10
Okay, I like the single lines starting with years - at first. There are way too many of them. The punch of a single, clipped line loses its value when it's sandwiched between so many other single, clipped lines, and I start to wonder with all the years listed if I'm going to get the entire timeline of someone's life story. I would cut it back to 3-4 lines, or add in longer paragraphs of info between and around the lines to break them up. The excerpt from the story detracts from the year lines, so I'd cut that out completely. Also, the sentences in the 1991 line are a bit awkward, but I'm not going into that because I think there's a better way to handle this, and the way I'm going with doesn't even need that section.

(And, of course, this example is just one of many ways to tackle this, and you have your own style, so just play around with it and see what you like.)

So, for this example, the first three lines stay the same. Then, I skipped the entire 1991 section, because Harry Potter isn't the main character here, and introducing him breaks the natural flow you already have going on. 1993 is more important. You gave it 3 lines to emphasize that, which I think is too many, but there's more than one way to show its importance. Just flipping the rhythmic, gradually lengthening, single-sentence structure you've established on its head would do it:

In 1976, Sirius Black met the love of his life.
In 1980, two lives were given, and one was taken.
In 1981, Sirius Black was carted off to Azkaban, and his children lost their last bit of family.
He returned in 1993. Their world fell apart.

As far as the quote from Sirius Black at the bottom, it's fine to leave it there, but I don't think it's necessary.

Cover: 9/10
The font is throwing me a bit. I don't think it necessarily fits well with the gray-scale imagery. It's okay, but the blocky lettering used for the title is too movie theater-esque instead of grim (pun intended), and the cursive is too pretty. The placement and sizing of the text is good, as is the background imagery. But I'm not deducting much for the font, because I realize it's purely my opinion, and I know this would suit another person's taste perfectly.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 6/10
Notes: I found a "who's" that should be "whose," and that sentence should actually be 2 sentences (period where you have a comma). But, otherwise, I appreciate the casual hello, and the heads-up about cannon changes.

Achievements and reviews: Congrats! That's kind of all there is to say about that. ;)

Aesthetics: I'm not much of an aesthetics person, but I know a lot of people are, and I think these will make them happy.

Prologue: This is really, really long for a prologue. One section divider is okay, but how many were there here? 4? So 5 parts? After the 2nd section divider, it started to feel long, and then year 1, and year 2, and I was starting to worry that you would go through all 7 years in the prologue. This reads more like several short chapters than it does one long prologue, and I would split it up that way and flesh each section out. The bit before the train ride, the train ride itself, and maybe the sorting hat could be 1 chapter, or push the sorting hat off to the next chapter with year 1.

Character development suffers from the super fast pace. It's great at first. I love bouncy, happy Cressida, proud father Lupin, Zenith dragging through the morning, and the introductions on the train are good, too, but then everything gets really rushed. There's no time to develop any of the characters, and instead, their personalities flatten out and become less vibrant. So, again, splitting this up and allowing yourself time to explore the characters will fix that.

I also would recommend looking into an editing tool to help clean this up. Punctuation is your biggest issue here, and just running through it with an editing tool like the free version of ProWritingAid would help you catch and fix all the little things that add up.

But, I do like this, and it's interesting how I expected a dark, grim tale (ha ha), but so far, it's light and bubbly. I'm curious to see where it goes.

And a side note: A mild language warning in the blurb would be a nice heads-up.

Chapter 1: So, same sort of issues I mentioned for the prologue as far as grammar and punctuation. But your characterizations are back on point here. Maybe instead of splitting the prologue up and lengthening the sections, you should just cut a lot of it completely? You don't have to explain everything in the prologue. It's okay to keep the reader in the dark, dropping hints as the story progresses.

The lead-up to the Dementor is great, but the actual scene with the Dementor is lackluster. It reads to me like everybody is just watching the Dementor attack Harry without even trying to help. I see Zenith's response, and I know that he's too petrified to do anything, but the others' reactions aren't portrayed well. The line by Hermione makes it seem like she's fascinated at seeing this new educational experience, not terrified that a monster is attacking her friend. But Remus' interruption is perfect, and then the story feels right again. So, I think just exploring how you can show the other kids' terror at what was going on would fix that.

Oh, and this is much better than the prologue, I think because you've taken the time to show your characters better.

*****

Digging deeper total: 81/100

Cover & title: 9/10
See above.

Blurb: 4/5
See above.

Grammar & voice: 5/20
This is only a 5 because of 5+ SPAG mistakes per chapter, but those mistakes are very minor and do not detract from the story and your unique voices at all. You two write really, really well together. If I didn't know better, I would think one author wrote this, but knowing makes it even more interesting for me to try to pick out your two unique voices as you write. I gathered from the comments that one of you writes Zenith and the other writes Cressida? Could be wrong about that. Their chapters do have different vibes to them, which could be from different writing styles, but it could also be just talented authors writing unique characters differently. Either way, love it.

Plot & pacing: 9/10
The only reason this isn't a 10 is because of the prologue, which has an awful lot packed into it and feels rushed because of that. I understand you guys wanted to provide background info before getting into the story, but maybe just cut the prologue down to the parts that are essential, and add the rest as bonus chapters for fun at the end? Just a thought. If you want to keep it as is, that's fine, but I think adding a note at the beginning about the time span you're covering would be a good heads-up for a new reader.

But after the prologue, everything is perfect. The plot flows, your work ties seamlessly into the actual book storyline (I think, it's been a while since I've read it), the pacing is perfect, and this is really, really original. Your characters drive this. Zenith and Cressida are yours, but you make the original book characters yours, too, in a way that still stays true to canon.

Characterization: 20/20
Yes. Absolutely yes. Zenith and Cressida have so much depth and realism to them, and they just get better and deeper as the story progresses. These two characters are the reason your fanfiction stands out, and even though you're following the original book's storyline, it feels like your characters have hijacked it and are driving it themselves. And, again, your handling of the book's original characters is also outstanding.

Harmony within genre: 15/15
I mean, a fanfiction is a fanfiction, right? You are obviously two devoted fans who know your stuff. Like I said before, it's been a while since I've read the Harry Potter books, but I just read this story and accept that you're probably right on that little detail there and this little detail here, because you know what you're doing, or you at least fake it really well. And, of course, Harry Potter is a fantasy, and you just roll with it so naturally.

Originality: 19/20
Again, the only reason this isn't a 20 is because of the prologue and its sheer length reducing your story's hook. Honestly, if a reader skipped that and started with chapter 1, they might be confused, they might have questions, but they will get hooked. I almost think you over rely on the original books in the prologue, if that makes sense. Your book speaks for itself. And, of course, the way you add in Sirius Black's family is so, so seamless with the original story. The first chapter was the perfect length, and I honestly didn't notice the chapters were getting longer until you pointed that out at the end of a chapter, because the story's just that good. I wasn't lying when I said in my comment at the end of the fifth chapter I had to make myself stop reading. I have four more books to look at, and I won't get them done if I keep going with yours. But I will keep reading later. You can count on that. ;)

*****

Final thoughts: Complete

There's a lot going on at Hogwarts lately. Not only did Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, start school, but the Black twins are starting, too. Zenith and Cressida. Sirius Black's kids. Yes, the Sirius Black locked up in Azkaban for betraying Harry Potter's parents to Voldemort. Thank goodness Harry doesn't know that, since Zenith is sorted into Gryffindor and now part of his friend group. Oh, and twin Cressida is sorted into Slytherin, so she's besties with Draco Malfoy. And Remus Lupin is the twins' acting father, having adopted them after Sirius went to jail and their mother died. Have I dropped enough names yet? No? Well, fear not! Everybody you loved (and hated) in the books is present and accounted for, and wait until you see what the twins (and the two amazing authors behind them) do to the storyline. The importance of family, the power of friendship, the unpredictability of teenagers handed magic wands and allowed to use them unsupervised—I'm not sure if Hogwarts will survive this much chaos.