Title: Forget Me Not by LadyBethany
Source: Feedback request
Genre: Fanfiction
Secondary/subgenre(s): Fantasy, Romance
Fandom: A Song of Ice and Fire book series by George R. R. Martin (specifically, The Princess and the Queen, The Rogue Prince, and Fire and Blood)
Mature: Y (breastfeeding, strong profanity, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: G (side characters)
Status: Ongoing
First impression: 34/40
Digging deeper: 88/100
Final thoughts: pending

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*****

First Impressions Total: 34/40

Title: 10/10
I really like this title. It reminds me of the flower, forget-me-nots, but then it also has this wistful, almost morbid feel, and it also sounds nice and proper. So perfect for the sometimes dark and convoluted problems of royalty.

Blurb/synopsis: 9/10
This is a great blurb. It tells enough to pique my interest without spoiling everything. The first paragraph gives the overall setting, the second gets into the specifics, and the third wraps it all together. Very nice. The only thing that trips me up is the wording in the first paragraph. Actually, it's just the last three words. "Had started sprouting." That feels a bit clumsy to me, but there's nothing necessarily wrong with it. "Begun to sprout?" Or "were sprouting?" I think I like "were sprouting" better. But this is me nitpicking here, because I can't really find anything else wrong with this, and this isn't necessarily wrong, either, so feel free to ignore me. ;)

Cover: 7/10
I feel like fanfiction covers are tricky, because you want fans from the same fandom to know that's what the story is just by looking at the cover. But I think it's also a good idea to draw other readers, people who aren't necessarily fans or even familiar with the fandom, because a good story transcends all that, and a good way to do that is with a nice, attractive cover. So, this isn't bad. I'm assuming the images of people are from the show, and I like the crest at the top and the text at the bottom. I think something other than black for the background is needed here. Not a solid color, but maybe a gradient, or an image that works with the show? I don't know if that would be a castle or a grassy hillside or the sky, but something like that. It just feels like the images have been cut and pasted here, and having an active background would reduce or eliminate that feel. It could also tie the images together even more, depending on what you choose. Last thing, I don't like "by" in front of the author's name, because that's implied. But that's me being picky.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 8/10
So, normally, I can copy and paste my first overall comment at the end of the first chapter to summarize my thoughts on this section, but that doesn't really work here. You've done a lot of editing since that first comment, which is great. This is cleaner and easier to follow for the uninitiated like me now. You've kept a nice and proper tone, befitting an account of royalty, which I really like. I mentioned before a lot of shorter sentences that give this a bit of a choppy feel, and I can see that you've gone through and varied sentence length and structure more since then. I think you could do even more, but this is much better. You introduce a lot in this first chapter, but it doesn't feel overwhelming anymore. I know we've talked about adding in a chapter listing the characters to help readers keep track of everybody, and that will help when you get that done, but this is easier to follow since you edited it. So. Historical fiction, tumultuous royalty, illegitimate children, inbreeding (or linebreeding) of the royal family line - and it all revolves around an innocent baby's birth. Lots of foreboding. Not sure if I should be excited or concerned for her, but no matter what, she's in for a wild ride, and so is the reader.

*****

Digging deeper total: 88/100

Cover & title: 8/10
See above.

Blurb: 4/5
See above.

Grammar & voice: 18/20
As I said above, I can't copy and paste my comments here, because you've cleaned this up quite a bit. There's really not much in the way of errors here at all. My only complaint here is still the prevalence of short, choppy sentences, but that's something you can play around with, and honestly, I think I'd prioritize writing the rest of the story before you go back to look at this. I know for my own writing, if I stopped to edit every time I came across something I didn't like in my writing or every time I got a new idea, I'd never get anywhere. And once you have the full story done, you'll have a better feel for it, too. You know where the story is going, and you know how to get there, so it's just prettying it up.

As far as your voice, you have a really soft voice as an author, I think. At least in this story. What I mean by that is your tone is very proper, as if you're the court historian documenting all the goings-on in the kingdom. And that is a very appropriate tone for this story. It doesn't mean your voice isn't there. It's just not as overpowering and blatant as it would be in another type of story. But, like I said, there's nothing wrong with it, and I think it's perfect for this piece.

Plot & pacing: 5/10
A large part of this score may be my lack of knowledge with this fandom. To me, the pacing is slow, and I know the plot from the blurb, but not necessarily from the story. Now, of course, Naerys and Aemond are very young right here at the beginning, so I wouldn't expect them to be driving a story steeped in political intrigue at this point. It's the adults around them who are doing that, which is appropriate. Naerys and Aemond have a very cute, innocent friendship as cousins, and they almost seem to be growing up as close as siblings. They don't know about the different sides of the family battling for the throne, and they don't care. Of course, the passage of time marking their growth with every chapter means they'll be involved soon, but for now, they're innocent children.

But the adults. They are driving the plot in these first few chapters, with vignettes of the children providing only a brief break from the power plays going on, and this is where I struggle. And I think that's more my ignorance than anything. Once you get a chapter listing all the characters in place, that will help me, and any readers unfamiliar with the books, to get a handle on this. There's another fanfiction I'm reading from a fandom I'm unfamiliar with, and when I first started reading, I had to keep the character chapter up in one tab so I could reference it as I read, and the further I get into the story, the less I have to do that. It's just a lot of names here. Having that reference point will allow me to stop focusing on who this is or who that is so I can just get into the plot. There's talk of marriage and family lines and who marries who, and I know the plot is in all of that, and I know it's becoming more important as the story progresses. I'm just tripped up by the names.

Characterization: 18/20
The names are a struggle for me here, too, but the characters are unique from each other. There's no question about that. Actually, one of the most distinctive characters here, to me, at least, is Aemond. He's so devoted to his new cousin, who is on the path to becoming his future wife, thanks to all the adults meddling in the background. It's just the little things with him. The way he asks to hold her, the way he kisses her cheek, how seriously he takes the matter of ripping her doll, how important it is to him to get it fixed. And then, when he does get it fixed, he's so excited to get it back to her, he literally bolts out the door and runs into a pole. It's so cute and sweet. Yes, he's a child, but I have a feeling this sweetness will continue as they get older.

Of course, "cute" and "sweet" are not words I can use to describe any of the adults. They all have their angles and their goals, but their personalities are distinct. Glenys, taking such care while feeding baby Naerys; Alicent, strong, driven, and conniving; Viserys, whose loss of his first wife in childbirth haunts him every time his daughter gets pregnant. They all have their good points and their bad points, and they're all relatable, in one way or another.

Harmony within genre: 15/15
Fanfiction? Check. Fantasy? That goes along with the fandom, but yes, check. Romance? Oh, yeah. I can see it coming with Aemond and Naerys, although they're not anywhere near mature enough to be thinking along those lines. But there are all the side romances, too. Whether spouse or illicit affair, just about everybody has someone they care about, someone they want to support or protect. And, if not that, they're just sleeping around with everybody else. ;)

Originality: 20/20
Again, not familiar with the fandom, but your original character Naerys fits in flawlessly with this world, to where I'd probably miss her if I opened up the books to read. Yes, arranged marriages and secret love affairs in historical fiction are pretty standard, but that doesn't mean this is cliche at all, and I'm wondering which Aemond and Naerys will end up having. It's still up in the air. I think it's leaning toward an arranged marriage, but not everybody wants that, hence the entire plot of the story. I'm really interested in seeing where this goes.

*****

Final thoughts: pending