Title: Crimson Rain by Chloe_Roissere
Source: Gardenia: A Review Shop by -Chrysalis_Realm
Genre: Mystery
Subgenre: Thriller
Mature: Y (abduction, blood, death, epidemic, guns, medical depictions, mention of sexual assault, needles, physical assault, sexual references, strong profanity, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N

Status: Ongoing

First impressions: 35/40

Digging deeper: 53/100

Final thoughts: Complete
Note: Chapter 20 (Death Or Not?) was the last available chapter as of the publishing of this review.

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. → 

*****

First impressions: 35/40

Title: 10/10
Well, this is a very appropriate title for a book involving blood rain and a virus that causes animals to bleed internally. Readying my weak stomach. 😉

Story description: 9/10
Okay, first thing, your content is spot on and you have a fantastic hook. You've set the plot up very nicely. I find it interesting that you haven't mentioned a single character, but that's fine. It works without any characters, and that just adds to the mystery pulling the reader into the story.

Your SPAG is solid, but I do have a few stylistic suggestions that I think would punch this up a bit. Shorter phrases can add a snappy, fast edge sometimes, and there are a few areas where I think you could condense a little to achieve that. In the first sentence, you could end it after "later," which adds more mystery because you haven't named where the blood is coming from yet. Then, you could start the second sentence at "Some kind" and change "that dissolves the birds" to "is dissolving birds." I think that would add more shock value here.

Moving on to the next paragraph, adding "More" to the start of the sentence would emphasize the unspoken detail that the virus is spreading, and then I'd add "their" before "eyes," and I think you're fine to put "and" before "mouths" and stop there. The specifics are where you catch reader interest, so softening the list with "and more" or some variation of that dulls the hook a bit, I think. Then, in the next sentence, adding an em dash (—, Alt + 0151) after "source" would make "and ourselves" really stand out more. Ending the paragraph there would further punctuate the point that humans are now in danger.

For the next sentence, whether you leave it at the end of that paragraph or split it into its own, I'd reword a bit because of the two instances of "the possibility." It's a little clumsy feeling to me, and you want this to be a clean, concise statement. I'd cut "The possibility of" from the start and "of sorts" from the middle, for the same reason I cut "and more" in that other sentence. To really punch this up, you could split this sentence in two, ending after "possibility" and changing "but" to "It" to start the next sentence. Or shorten the second sentence even further: "It's real."

I wouldn't do anything with the questions. Ending a blurb with them is a great way to push the hooked reader to start reading, and these do that quite effectively.

Cover: 10/10
I love this cover. At first glance, it's just a blend of reds and blacks, which works with the theme, but looking closer reveals so many details. Birds flying over pine trees; droplets of blood in the foreground, as if they're splattered on a camera lens; a strange three-lobed shape in the background. I love the stylized font for your title and the way you've set your name within it. I'm a little sad about the sticker in the left-hand corner, but I'm assuming you put it there because it covers nothing really important, and it actually goes fairly well with your theme. Plus, you should brag about your achievements.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 6/10
Prologue: This is a good start. The flow of the narrative, starting with a paragraph depicting the general peaceful beauty in Yellowstone Park, ending that paragraph with a short, jarring statement, and then moving into a specific frantic scene when the volcano is about to erupt, is really effective for an action or apocalyptic book. There are quite a few grammar errors throughout, however, and I'll go through all of them in detail, but my only structural suggestion is to move that last sentence from the first paragraph into its own paragraph. That will emphasize the sudden shift in mood more.

So, first, I'm going to look at the first sentence: "Set mostly in the NW area of Wyoming,Yellowstone park is lush place filled with wildlife, air with the scent of pine trees and many others in a glorious mixture that seems to never end." There are several errors here, which then reoccur later in the prologue, so I'll go through them one by one.

First, acronyms. You use these frequently, which is fine for organizations, but you should spell out things like directions (so, "northwest" instead of "NW"). If possible, defining an acronym somewhere around the first time it's used will help readers who are unfamiliar with it, which you did later with Yellowstone Volcano Observatory. Obviously, a person using acronyms in dialogue won't usually define them, so there's nothing wrong with Cooper screaming USGS and NPS. It's not the most important thing to define those to the readers, as the volcano that's about to erupt and kill everybody is a lot more pertinent than unknown acronyms, but you could maybe add an author's note at the end where you spell them out, or, better yet, you could try to work them into the story narrative. Or just leave it alone and keep doing what you already did with YVO in the future. Like I said, not the most important thing here, but something to keep in mind.

You should actually capitalize the "park" in "Yellowstone Park," because it's part of the name. It looks like you're otherwise good about capitalizing proper nouns, but I just wanted to point that out.

Spacing with punctuation is a pretty common error throughout. It's a little hard to see with this font, but "Wyoming" and "Yellowstone" are both touching the comma between them. Generally, a punctuation mark should always touch a word on only one side and have a single space on the other. For most punctuation marks, the word is on the left, and the space is on the right, as it should be in this sentence (and as you do later with "wildlife, air"). There are a couple of exceptions, the first of which is opening quotation marks and parentheses. For these, the word is on the right, and the space is on the left. The second expection is ending punctuation in dialogue. In this case, the word is on the left and the closing quotation marks are on the right. But punctuation should never have a space before and after, and it should never have words touching it on both sides.

There's also a missing article (a, an, the) in that sentence. I haven't seen you do this anywhere else, so it may just be a one-off mistake, but there should be an "a" between "is" and "lush place."

That sentence is also an example of awkward phrasing. I'll paste it here again so I (and you) don't have to keep scrolling up: "Set mostly in the NW area of Wyoming,Yellowstone park is lush place filled with wildlife, air with the scent of pine trees and many others in a glorious mixture that seems to never end." The issue here is "filled with wildlife" and "air with." You're trying to say the park is filled with many things, but it doesn't flow right in its current form. What comes after that comma needs to be a continuation of a list of objects that describe "filled," and "air" is a new subject, so it all gets a bit jumbled. To fix it, I'd cut "air with" so the next item in the list, "the scent of pine trees," flows from the first item, "wildlife." Then, I'd change "many others" to "many other things" to be more specific. The phrase "that seems to never end" feels weird, too. That indicates a quantity or a length, something that has a beginning and an end, like a period of time or a measurement. But there's been nothing of that nature prior to this phrase. So, I'd just cut that out and end with "mixture." Or, if you want to say it seems like it will last forever or will never change, I'd change the phrase to say that.

Moving on from that sentence, you have a tendency to under-use commas. I think the basic spelling/grammar check on Microsoft Word or Google Docs would catch where you're missing commas, along with a lot of these other errors or suggestions, but if you haven't already, I'd also recommend looking into an editing tool like ProWritingAid. Just be careful to use it for editing and not for rewriting. Grammarly in particular is bad about taking your entire written piece and completely rewriting it, which then no longer sounds like your writing, because it isn't, and it flags as AI-generated, because that's what it is now.

There are some issues with punctuation leading into and out of dialogue. If the sentences before and/or after dialogue are complete sentences that can stand on their own without the dialogue, then treat those like normal sentences (which they are), and end with a period (or exclamation mark, question mark, or ellipsis [...]). If one of those sentences is incomplete, however, and directly describes who is speaking and how they're saying it, that's a dialogue tag, and it counts as part of the sentence of dialogue. When the dialogue tag comes after the dialogue, you're usually good about changing the period to a comma and making the first word of the dialogue tag lowercase, but there's a little confusion when it comes before the dialogue, and there is one area where you mess up the after-dialogue tag, so I just wanted to give a few examples of how to do this correctly with various punctuation marks.

Not a dialogue tag (no change to punctuation or capitalization):
He stared at me in shock. "What did you say?"
"What did you say?" He stared at me in shock.
"What he said." He shrugged and walked away.
"What he said was mean!" He glared at me and stormed away.

Dialogue tag:
He stared at me in shock and asked, "What did you say?" → Change the period to a comma but still capitalize the first word of dialogue
"What did you say?" he asked, staring at me in shock. → No change to punctuation, but lowercase the first word of the dialogue tag
"What he said," he muttered, shrugging and walking away. → Change the period to a comma and lowercase the first word of the dialogue tag
"What he said was mean!" he shouted, glaring at me before he stormed away. → No change to punctuation, but lowercase the first word of the dialogue tag

Going along with dialogue issues, questions should always end in question marks, not periods. And if someone is shouting or screaming, you don't need to make their dialogue all uppercase and add extra punctuation marks (like !! or ?!). An exclamation mark on its own carries a lot of weight, especially if you don't use it often, and adding descriptive detail in your dialogue tags is a lot more effective at showing how angry or excited or terrified a person is, anyway. That also helps with your character development by contributing to the overall picture the reader has in their head of how a certain person thinks and reacts. So, when I used the example with the exclamation mark leading into a dialogue tag, I showed how angry the speaker was with the dialogue tag.

One last thing for dialogue. This only happened once or twice, but a good general rule is to separate speakers from each other. So, one person speaks, and then you create a new paragraph when the next person speaks. Keeping actions with their speakers is really helpful, too. That makes it a lot easier for the reader to follow a conversation and know who is saying and doing what.

Moving on from dialogue, you're usually good about sticking to the past tense and using the correct word form, but there was one place where you made a mistake here, so I just wanted to point it out in case it happens again later. This is the sentence: "Sweating running in rivers down his face and body." You're using the verb form of "sweat," but it should be the noun form, and "running" is present tense, so that should be "ran." So, "Sweat ran in rivers..."

You only used a semicolon once, I think, but in that case, it should have been a comma. Semicolons generally separate parts of a sentence that could stand as complete sentences on their own, so if the part you're separating is an incomplete sentence, use a comma instead. Here's the sentence: "Grabbing David by the arm, Deputy Cooper led him outside the broken glass doors toward his squad car; where David entered the passenger door as the car rocked from side to side, violently ." The part starting at "where David" is an incomplete sentence, so that should be a comma. Also, there's an extra space before the period that shouldn't be there, and you could move "violently" up in the sentence to come right after "rocked."

There was a random extra quotation mark floating around, which I'm guessing means there had been dialogue in a certain spot, but you took it out: Frightened to death he was starting to feel numb inside a bit." This is also an instance where you should have a comma after "death."

There's one phrase where I'd change which preposition you're using, but it's probably fine with what you have, so that's up to you. The phrase is "low by the steering wheel," and I'd change "by" to "to."

I found one run-on sentence, but since it's the only one, I'm guessing that's just a proofreading miss: "As David smiled at his old friend, the volcanoes caldera blew with debris and a shockwave that could kill 90,000 people it was nearly deafening." One sentence should end after "people" and the next sentence should start with "It."

Also in that sentence, "volcanoes" is the plural version of the word, but it should be the possessive "volcano's." I know plurals and possessives can get tricky, but generally, adding an "s" or "es" is how you make the plural, and adding an "'s" or just an apostrophe is how you make the possessive. If the word doesn't end in "s" already, add "s" to make it plural and "'s" to make it possessive. If it does end in "s," add "es" to make it plural and just add an apostrophe to make it possessive. Although there are plenty of exceptions to the rule, but that's another area where using spell/grammar check and/or an editing tool can really help.

Chapter 1 (Rain of Blood): Wow, I wasn't expecting a three-year gap from the prologue to the first chapter, but it works. That's allowed time for the world to semi-recover and rebuild following the worldwide volcanic eruptions, and it's allowed time for the ancient virus to mutate in its new environment. Continuing to follow David's wife, Susan, the only surviving member of their family, is also an interesting choice. It adds to the continuity from the prologue.

I have some questions/observations about the plot so far, though. The first, and biggest, question is also a major plot hole. How on earth are birds flying when they're bleeding from every orifice? Especially if she saw a haze underneath them from a distance. That's a lot of blood loss, and birds don't have enough blood volume to sustain that over any distance. It's a neat concept for your story, but realistically, sick birds don't fly, and if they didn't get sick until they were airborne, they'd just drop out of the sky.

But ignoring that, it struck me as very strange for Susan to automatically think a virus is causing this. Her initial horrified reaction makes it seem like she's never seen this before, but then there's mention of the CVC with the implication they already know about this, and she knows they know, so it isn't new to her at all. And then she proceeds to take a shower and brush her hair, and it's very weird that she's suddenly so calm and relaxed about everything.

Later, you explain she's a scientist who works in a CVC lab, which makes sense of most of that. But when she calls Jason, it's again clear that she has never seen this before. So, how would she know the CVC already knew about it? That needs to be clarified, because it's very confusing: she doesn't know. She does. She knows the CVC knows. But she doesn't know.

My next question is this: Why would they be killed for knowing about this? This is, again, something that needs to be mentioned earlier. Like while she's waiting for the birds to get closer. That would be a good time for her to reflect on everything that has changed since the volcanic eruptions, or at least her work as a scientist for the new CVC and the government cracking down on anything that could trigger a widespread panic. You don't have to get detailed, but dropping little hints will make sense of her reactions and her calm, rational thought process.

Overall, this chapter feels really rushed to me. Everything is moving way too fast, especially when she gets to the lab. She immediately recognizes the virus, and the government immediately grabs her and Jason. There's no time for research or reflection, no time to even get to know the characters. Adding more descriptive detail and dropping hints earlier in the chapter, or even a brief summary of what has changed in the past three years, will help bring the pace down so the reader doesn't get whiplash following the sudden jumps from plot point to plot point.

As far as editing/grammar suggestions, I've covered most of it in the prologue. The only new thing here is incomplete sentences. For example: "Turning to the right side and walked down the bare wood floor hallway to the door at the end of the hall to take a long shower." There's no subject for this sentence. You could merge it with the previous sentence or the following sentence, or you could just add a comma after "side" and change "and" to "she." Then, "she" becomes your subject, and you're good.

*****

Digging deeper: 53/100

Cover & title: 10/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Story description: 4/5
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Grammar & voice: 16/20
There are no new errors to go over, and actually, your grammar improves as the story progresses. I know you said this is your first time writing after a year-long break, so it makes sense that you were a bit shaky when you started, but you're getting better as you go. And there was a note in chapter one that it was unedited, which tells me you're already going back through to fix things, all of which is great.

Your writing voice is very clear and engaging, so even though there are still issues with pacing, which affects characterization as well, it's easy to follow the plot and know what's happening.

Plot & pacing: 5/10
I still think the pacing is way too fast, but even so, the plot hasn't advanced much. Jason and Susan escaped the CIA and ended up in the wilderness with a group of people hiding from civilization. While that's fine, there hasn't even been mention of the virus since chapter two, and that's the key to the whole story. Again, adding in more descriptive elements will help slow the pace down. That could be thoughtful reflections about working in the lab, considering different viruses Susan and Jason have investigated, wondering how to further research this particular virus without access to their lab, wondering how to warn humanity—basically, just fill in the empty spaces.

That being said, this is definitely an original concept. Yes, pieces have been done before—new viruses mutating and destroying everything; government cover-ups; people living in tribal settings outside of the cities—but your take on all those pieces is unique, and the way you're tying them all together and adding new material is exclusively you. The construction of the treehouses is a great example of this. Who would think of building tree houses out of cars? You did. And you've reworked the entire globe to show the devastating impact of the earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. Elaborating more on these points will help with slowing the pace, too.

And I may have a possible solution for the major plot hole about bleeding birds flying. Maybe that's something the virus does. It makes them bleed, but it gives them strength and energy, so they feel and act normally. And then, when their bodies can't handle it anymore, and they die, the virus keeps them going for a while, like they're zombies. That could be a big question in Susan's mind, too, because she knows the birds should not be alive or flying if they're losing that much blood, so she knows there's something really, really strange about this virus.

Characterization: 2/20
There's really no room for character development in the story thus far. I know the bare facts. Susan is a scientist; she lost a child to leukemia and a husband to a volcano; she's attractive and has the hots for Jason. I know even less about Jason. He's a handsome scientist attracted to Susan. But I don't really know either of them. I don't know how they think, or when I see a glimpse, it makes no sense, because I have nothing to compare it to for reference. Their sudden attraction to each other is just that: sudden. There is no mention of their physical appearance or their feelings for each other until they end up sharing a bed in a treehouse. Before that, she trusts him completely until they escape the CIA, and then, while they're driving, she suddenly isn't sure if she can trust him. Then the carjacking happens, and now he's pretending to be asleep while he watches her get undressed, and the next morning, they kiss. Oh, and she cries somewhere in-between. I don't know why.

It's jumbled and confusing, and sometimes contradictory. Physical descriptions are good, but developing your characters through thoughts, actions, and dialogue is the key to adding depth and complexity. Right now, it's like they're just along for the ride, but they should be driving the story. Tell me about Susan running through a list of names in her head before settling on Jason when she calls about the blood, and then tell me why she decided to tell him. Tell me about Jason sneaking glances at her while they're driving, or taking a protective stance in front of her when they meet Laurie's group. What do they think when they find out they'll be sharing a room—and a bed? Does Susan feel guilty about pursuing a relationship with Jason because she feels like she'd be unfaithful to her dead husband? These are the kinds of things that fill your characters out and add more to the story, too.

Harmony within genre: 1/15
Note: Genre listed as Mystery and subgenre listed as Thriller in request form.

Honestly, I would classify this as Science Fiction. That's typically where apocalyptic stories go, and while there is mystery surrounding the virus and thriller elements from blood rain, those are minor elements in a story that's mostly about an apocalypse. As of chapter five, anyway. We'll see what happens as it progresses.

Originality: 15/20
I've already said this is original, and you do have descriptions and world-building elements, but I'd just like more. More descriptions of everything. The lab, what the virus looks like under the microscope, their abduction, their escape, the drive, the tree houses—everything.

Chapters 6-20:
The pace slowed to a much better speed after the CIA recaptured Susan and Jason, so I think the chapters following that are a good guideline to use for the previous chapters. There is a point when you switch from calling it the CVC to the CBC, so you'll want to fix that, and there are rare slips into first person, second person, and present tense within the narrative, so that's something to watch out for as well. Oh, and there's one use of "kinda," which is fine in dialogue, but in the narrative, you should use the proper "kind of."

As far as characterizations, Jason's character is consistent and makes sense, but Susan's character is very contradictory. One minute, she's a calm, rational scientist, the next she's panicking about the littlest thing; most of the time, she's crazy about Jason, but occasionally, she gets really suspicious of him for no reason. She cries at the weirdest times, too, and for no apparent reason. Working on character development and exploring her thoughts and emotions more thoroughly in the story will probably make more sense of everything by filling in the gaps for the reader.

And I'd definitely categorize this as Science Fiction. The mystery/thriller elements are very minor, and the apocalyptic plotline with ancient viruses mutating and threatening humanity is all very typical of Science Fiction stories.

I have a few more specific observations or suggestions, but before I get into them, I should probably clarify that I have a degree in biology, and I was a veterinary nurse for ten years. That's why I pointed out the flaw with the bleeding birds earlier, and it will explain the rest of this section.

There is a place when you say "Gag" is a "structural molecule of the virus which binds and packages the gnome" (and, by the way, it should be "genome"). This could be something you made up for the story, but I get the feeling you're using it as a real biological term, and that's incorrect. GAG is an acronym for glycosaminoglycans, which are important molecules in cartilage, and you'll also see them in the ingredients list for joint supplements. I feel like there is a term in DNA replication that includes "Gag" in the name, though, so I went down a rabbit hole of quick Google research, but I soon realized the only way I was going to find the specific term was in-depth research or finding my old notes. I didn't do that. Most of your readers will not know or care, and I just didn't have the time or motivation. But if you want to use a term here, "DNA polymerases" would be better. That covers an array of molecules instrumental in DNA replication. Viral replication is extremely complicated, as it differs with the type of virus, but most viruses hijack a cell's normal DNA replication processes, so "DNA polymerases" is a safe word.

When they're bringing the first human victim into the lab, they say they'll use lidocaine for her pain, and if that doesn't work, then they'll use morphine. But lidocaine is a local anesthetic that only provides pain relief to a small area for a short time, so that would not be the first-line pain reliever for someone with generalized pain. Typical uses for lidocaine are patches people with back pain wear over an area that hurts, or in surgery, nurses inject it into the skin where the doctor's about to cut to numb that area. Since the girl had generalized pain, morphine would probably be a better first-line pain medication, not the second choice.

Fun facts: Lidocaine is also used to treat certain cardiac arrhythmias, but an overdose can cause other cardiac arrhythmias. Also, cats are extremely sensitive to lidocaine.

*****

Final thoughts:
Earth has had it rough for the last three years. First, worldwide earthquakes and volcanic eruptions restructured the entire planet, and now, a strange virus is spreading across the globe. It started with birds, causing them to bleed mid-flight and create bloody rain, and it's mutating and infecting other animals rapidly. It's only a matter of time until it infects humans. The race is on for scientists Susan and Jason to identify the virus, unravel its genome, and create a cure, without getting killed by the CIA or Homeland Security. Civilization is crumbling, and anybody or anything that could trigger more panic is at risk of being shut down by the government. But with a wilderness full of violent gangs who've taken matters into their own hands, there's nowhere safe to run. Add to that a blossoming romance and a fear of betrayal around every corner, and Susan and Jason's lives have become much more complicated—and much more dangerous—than either of them ever expected. Is this the end? Or can they find a way to survive the apocalypse?