Title: Crimson Mists by NoveltyOnly
Former titles: Of Ivory and Pachyderma, Yours Sincerely, ALIENS FROM BIRTH, Shy Girls Also Dream Big
Source: Feedback request
Genre: Romance
Secondary/subgenre(s): Thriller
Mature: Y (alcohol, blood, bullying, death, guns, human trafficking, medical depictions, mental health issues, needles, non-explicit sexual content, physical abuse, physical assault, rape, smoking, strong profanity, suicide, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
First impressions: 26/40
Digging deeper: 63/100
Final thoughts: pending

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*****

First impressions: 26/40

Title: 10/10
I know you've been having trouble deciding on a title, so I read all available chapters before starting this review, which is backwards from how I normally do it, but I felt it was necessary in this case.

So, I didn't think Of Ivory and Pachyderma was a great title, because there is nothing about ivory or elephants in this story, and the only vague connection that title has to the story is the initial setting in Nigeria. Yours Sincerely didn't feel right, either, because that sounds very sweet and heartfelt, creating the impression of an unconditional love, but Harida never trusts anybody completely, so she can't give herself to anybody completely. ALIENS FROM BIRTH feels too much like a science fiction title (and I don't like the all caps), although the concept of Harida not belonging anywhere is the closest of all the titles you've tried to fitting the story. Shy Girls Also Dream Big isn't right, either, because Harida doesn't strike me as shy as much as she is simply quiet and thoughtful, and while she's always putting the next foot forward, she doesn't have big dreams she's trying to achieve. She's just trying to live.

And that brings us to the current title, Crimson Mists. Again, this one feels too science fiction for me, and there isn't a thread of mist or fog throughout the story to make it work, nor is there a heavy emphasis on blood.

I don't have an answer for you right now. Titles are very tricky, and I usually come up with them partway through a story, or, in the case of a short story or poem, after I complete it, because I'm not a planner. I'm a pantser. So, I really don't know exactly where a story is going until I'm writing it. The title for A Dove's Tale was initially Ikemen Prince Fanfiction, or something like that, because I just didn't know what to call it. But you're putting a lot of thought and effort into this title, which I think is very important, because the title should fit the story, and as a key component of that first impression you want your book to give a potential reader, accuracy and setting correct expectations is huge. So, I'm giving you full points in this category.

Story description: 3/10
I'm not really a fan of the opening quote, because I don't think it really relates well with the story, and the blurb preview on the site and on the app has very limited character space, so it's important to maximize that space to get people interested enough to read the rest of it. There are also grammatical errors in the quote and continuing throughout the rest of the blurb, along with awkward phrasing choices, which often make the meaning unclear.

Another thing I don't really like about this blurb is the point it starts within the story. It skips the first chapters entirely, which sets the reader up for initial confusion when they're not reading what they expected. I also don't quite understand why Adele is on equal standing with Harida here. Harida is the main character, not Adele, and this is not a story about their relationship—at least, not from my understanding of it. This is a story about Harida, and Adele is one among many side characters with whom Harida has a working relationship (and, perhaps in this case, an eventual, begrudging friendship). Again, that sets the reader up for confusion when the blurb does not match the story.

As with the title, I don't really have an answer here, because I don't know where you're going with the story. I think in general, focusing on introducing the story as portrayed in the first chapters is important, and then you can drop hints about what comes later within the story, along with ending the blurb with a question that hooks the reader's curiosity.

For specifics with the grammar, in that first line, "outshined" should be "outshone," and there should be a period to end the sentence. In the first true paragraph, the description following "Harida" should be set apart with paired commas on either side, so there should be another comma after "relationship." "Subjected to same design" makes it sound like an action is being performed against Adele, but it's not (and the article "the" should come before "same"). It would be more accurate to say something like she was "produced by similar circumstances."

In the next paragraph (and following), I'd change the verbs to the present tense, since "Meet Harida" in the first paragraph was in the present tense, and that set the tone for the remaining content. "Through their differences" makes no sense as a prepositional phrase describing how they realize they have to work together. Their differences don't make them work together. They discover their differences as they work together. "Without ardour" technically makes sense, but I think it would be clearer to use a more common phrase like "to their dismay." This is also a really long, awkward sentence, and I think rewording and condensing would help make it smoother. Here's one way you could do it: "When both girls begin living together through the insidious work of fate, they realise, despite their differences and much to their dismay, they must work together outside of their workplace responsibilities to uncover an history of which they were unaware."

There's something similar going on with the next paragraph/sentence. The order of the sentence feels unnatural. I think flipping it around to something like this would be better: "A failure to cooperate with each other's shared goal of unveiling the mansion's secret will only lead to something neither of them can fathom: failed dreams."

In the next paragraph/sentence, "step-mother" should be hyphenated, and "coworkers" should not have an apostrophe, because it's plural, not possessive. "Aiming for her blood" is another phrase that doesn't feel natural. Using something more familiar like "out for her blood" would probably be clearer for potential readers.

The last paragraph/sentence is very unclear, especially "motives that bothered over morality." If I'm interpreting the intended meaning correctly, something like this may work better, or at least guide you to rewording however you feel is necessary: "How can they achieve their goal and their individual issues without compromising their moral standards?"

Cover: 8/10
I didn't screenshot every single cover you made to match each new title you tried, so for this, I'll mention the others but focus on the current cover, and I'm only going to evaluate the cover as an artistic piece instead of how well it does or doesn't match the story, because I know it's probably going to change.

I think all your covers have looked good so far. The title of the book is always clearly visible, as is your name, and the font style, size, color, and placement always integrates well with the colors and images composing the background. With this particular cover, I like the diagonal split and the black versus red contrast, as well as the varied font for the two separate words of the title. Perhaps the fonts are a little cutesy for this background, though. Something sharper and scratchier might fit the tone better. As for the subtitle, I only notice that if I look very closely, and I have to go to your profile and pull up the pop-up box with the larger image of your cover to have any hope of reading the words. They're still not all legible that way, though. The font color matches the smoke on either side of the diagonal line, so when the text crosses that smoke, it disappears. If you include a subtitle, I think it's important to make sure it's easy to read.

The best order of priority for focusing a potential reader's eyes, in my opinion, is first the quick glance and the overall impression, which prompts someone to take another, closer look; second, the title; third, the subtitle, if you have one; fourth, your name; and fifth, the background image. I think this cover does all of this well except the subtitle. If this ends up being the title and image you're sticking with, I'd recommend playing with the font style for the title, increasing the size of the subtitle, and playing with font color variations and effects with the subtitle text to highlight or increase visibility.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 5/10
The grammatical and phrasing issues I noted in the story description continue throughout the story, along with frequent uses of incorrect words similar in spelling to the correct words (heaven/haven, adviced/advised) and slang/text spellings in the narrative instead of the complete word (tho/though). There are more things I noticed later in the story, but I'm just stopping with the first chapter here.

The quotes opening each chapter with real statistics emphasizing the reality Harida has to face are always eye-opening. While I like the poem in part one, I'm not really sure it fits the story well, beyond the tie-in about a new start at the end. But I'm also not the most poetic person, so take that with a grain of salt.

As for the opening chapter itself, it's clearer to me now that I'm more familiar with your writing style, but I recall having a hard time understanding what was happening the first time I read this. That goes along with the phrasing/word choice issues, I think, because it the problem continues throughout the story. There will often by an introduction to a person, a setting, or an object with very vague language, only later revealing who Harida is talking to, or that she's even talking to someone, and while the metaphorical language surrounding action is great for descriptive detail of something the reader already knows about, it's not a great way to show action when there are few to no explicitly stated, concrete physical details that ground the scene.

But starting this story with a protest gone wrong, throwing the reader directly into the chaos and violence of the scene and then following Harida as she slowly wraps her mind around what just happened and what she has to do going forward, is a great way to start. The background information you slip in with notes about Harida's diet and family is subtle and effective at painting the picture of who she is and where she's come from.

Another interesting thing about this start is that Harida is already giving up. Her dream has already collapsed in on itself, and instead of taking Praise up on her offer of assistance, Harida has sunk so low that she thinks Praise's help would only be a Bandaid for a bullet hole. She's also immediately suspicious of the offer, even though Praise has never said or done anything to prove herself untrustworthy, further adding to the mental image developing for Harida's character.

A side note I can only add because I've read to the end of all available chapters is that I didn't remember who Praise was. I thought she must have been one of the girls Harida knew at the mansion, and I think this happens fairly often. Slipping a reminder into the story when an old character reappears or a connection is made would be a good idea.

*****

Digging deeper: 63/100

Cover & title: 8/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Story description: 2/5
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Grammar & voice: 5/20
Again, going back and rereading the beginning chapters after having read all available chapters makes comprehension much easier for me, because now I'm familiar with your writing style and the word and phrasing choices you make. Initially, I had a lot of trouble.

You have a very factual, logical voice throughout the story, which goes along with everything being written from Harida's perspective, because that's who she is and how she sees the world. On that note, you don't need to put "Chikamharida's POV" at the top of every chapter. If there's a chapter that isn't in her perspective, you can put that at the top, but after 29 chapters all in her perspective, waiting for the POV to change at least once, I can definitely say the heading is unnecessary.

The grammatical issues I've already mentioned continue throughout. The story is in the past tense, but there are slips into the present tense within the narrative, and dialogue can slip into the past tense when it should be the present or future tense. There are also places with noun-verb disagreement, where a plural verb follows a singular noun, or vice versa. Run-on sentences happen here or there, and in general, you have a tendency to under-use commas. There are occasional places where you have one dash, but you should have two, similar to the paired commas offsetting certain phrases, which I mentioned in the story description section. And there are more slang words in the narrative (cause/because [or in dialogue, it should be 'cause]), along with words missing spaces (a lot, in case).

This isn't an issue in the early chapters, but later on, dialogue can get confusing, because there will be lengthy sections of conversation with no dialogue tags, and combined with frequent places where one person's dialogue is split into two consecutive paragraphs, it gets hard to follow. There were places I'd have to count the lines and trace back to try to figure out whose turn it was to speak, and then I'd hit dialogue that didn't match the order, which meant somebody double-spoke somewhere, but I didn't know who or where. Following an A B A B format to dialogue would be really helpful for reader comprehension. If you feel the need to split one person's dialogue into two different paragraphs, adding a sentence or two in between those paragraphs would preserve the A B A B format and make it easier to follow.

One final note is that there are a lot of questions throughout the story, but almost no question marks, and questions should always end in question marks.

Plot & pacing: 5/10
This is a slow-developing story, which is fine, with a glacial slow-burn, but comprehension issues can make it difficult to understand the plot. It's not really a linear plot, anyway, and there's not a problem with that, but that makes it even more important to keep things clear enough for readers to know what is happening at every juncture.

Characterization: 18/20
The only reason this isn't a 20 is because of comprehension issues. Your characterizations are all seen through Harida's eyes, a girl with a very logical mind who takes everything in stride and will not allow her emotions to take control. She's intelligent, resourceful, and has little to no self-esteem, a fact that becomes more abundantly clear throughout the story as we get to see the actions of those around her, particularly Henry and Avian, and so we know the image she sees in the mirror is not the image everybody else sees.

Henry's character is very much still in development by chapter five, but there are hints of his hot-headedness, and he obviously sees something in Harida he identifies with the first time they meet, something that drives him to seek her out, talk with her, and offer her another opportunity for a brighter future.

Adele is a character I still don't fully understand, even by chapter 29, and she's definitely still incomprehensible by chapter five. Part of her character I can never get a handle on is her age. She's a teenager, but is that a young teenager, or an older teenager? Sometimes, she acts like such an immature, spoiled brat that I think she's younger, and then she has these shocking moments of clarity when I realize she's smarter and more mature than she's been letting on.

Harmony within genre: 5/15
The romance within this story is definitely slow-burn, so simply introducing Henry and beginning the development of an acquaintanceship between him and Harida is expected and appropriate progression by chapter five. However, this story never seems like a romance to me. There are romantic elements, but if you hadn't said it was a romance, I would have pegged it as general fiction right at the beginning, or a mystery later one. By chapter 29, I'd definitely go with mystery.

Originality: 20/20
Everything about this story is original. Your characters, your scenarios, your language—your descriptions are detailed and poetic, so although they can add to the ambiguity and confusion within a scene, they can also take it to the next level when the basics are more clear. I never know what you're going to do next with this story, and as I've become more familiar with it, I've become more engaged and gain more enjoyment from reading it.

*****

Final thoughts: pending