Title: Colliding Hearts by PremaFR
Source: Review Shop by TheBlossomCommunity_
Genre: Fanfiction
Subgenre: Romance
Fandom: Prema (Indian actress), Venky Atluri (Indian actor)
Mature: N (alcoholism, loss of a loved one, physical abuse, smoking, smut [none yet], strong profanity, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
First impressions: 33/40
Digging deeper: 84/100
Final thoughts: Complete
Note: Chapter 4 was the last available chapter as of the publishing of this review.

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

First impressions total: 33/40

Title: 10/10
I'm all for some heart collision. Two people running into each other like two cars in an accident—could be fun! Or painful. Maybe both. 😉

Story description: 8/10
Short, sweet, and to the point. I like it. Maybe it doesn't have the strongest hook out there, but I think it's fine for the readers you'll attract with this title and the cutesy cover. I would spell out "two" instead of using the number, but that's not entirely necessary. The convention I've seen the most seems to be spelling out any numbers lower than ten and using the numerical form for 11 and up, but, again, up to you. You could potentially put a comma before "while" in the second sentence, and "heartbroken" should be all one word. Otherwise, you're good here.

Cover: 8/10
This is a cute cover. I like the simplicity of the solid background with cut-out hearts containing images of the two main characters, and the cutesy font for the title is fun, too. There's a lot of empty space at the top of the cover, though, and the title is a bit small, so I'd recommend bumping the font size up to be more visible and fill that space better. Right now, the images catch the eye before the title, and it should probably be the reverse. Also, your name isn't on here. Give yourself credit! I see a perfect spot for your name, though. Right next to the two flags. It looks like that spot's just waiting for your name there. And you don't need "by" before your name. Just your name in a cute font in a shade of brown that works with the theme here would be fine. I would recommend keeping your name small so it doesn't distract from the title and the images, but just make sure it's big enough for the reader to see it.

First chapter: 7/10
Well, this is a cute little first chapter. I mean, Venky's side isn't that cute, but you don't delve into his painful situation heavily enough to make the tone of this chapter dark at all. I haven't seen dual perspectives done this way before with such frequent changes, but I like it. Prema and Venky's personalities are already coming through pretty clearly. You don't have the most flowery, elaborate descriptions, but when you specifically want the reader to know a certain detail, you make it clear with phrases like, "His jawline was sharp enough to cut paper." That's a great description right there.

I have a suggestion about the changing perspectives that I think would add a nice visual guide for the reader, like when you look at your text messages and you can tell who's speaking by name and left- or right-alignment. Something like this:

Prema
Blah blah blah

Venky
Blah blah blah

That's just a thought. I would at least put their names in bold, so they stand out better from the rest of the narrative, and I'd probably split the paragraphs up a bit more to separate speakers when others get involved in dialogue. You don't have really long sections of dialogue yet, but starting a new paragraph with a change in speaker/actions can make conversations easier to follow, because it's easier to tell at a glance who is speaking where.

Another general observation is to be careful about verb tense. You start the chapter in present tense, and then you slip into past tense a couple of times until you fully switch over to it. Consistency is key here. Pick one and stick with it. If you want the story to be in the present tense, fix the past tense verbs. If you've decided you'd rather use the past tense, go back to the beginning and fix the present tense verbs.

Generally, though, this is pretty clean writing. There's a homonym issue in the first paragraph (plane/plain), but otherwise, you're pretty solid until the last paragraph, and punctuation is your issue there. There's an extra set of opening quotation marks, some missing commas, a missing apostrophe in "Prema's," and a couple of sentences that look like you just forgot to add a period to split up two sentences (after "assumed" and after "myself").

With the stuttering, I think adding in some hyphens would help show that better, and whenever you're using trailing periods, use three for an ellipsis (...): "s...s-s-something"

And the last remark I have is about that thought at the end. You can distinguish thoughts from the narrative using the same rules for dialogue, except you would use italics instead of quotation marks: She hasn't changed a bit, I thought.

*****

Digging deeper: 84/100

Cover & title: 9/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Story description: 3/5
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Grammar & voice: 18/20
This is really, really clean writing. The things I pointed out in chapter one are pretty much only there and nowhere else. I will say that you've definitely switched into the past tense, so I'd recommend going back to chapter one and updating the first paragraphs to reflect that. I mentioned the left- and right-alignment idea for your perspective changes before, and while I still like that concept, that one third person paragraph throws a wrench into that idea. When I came across that paragraph, I was actually wondering how it would look in italics to distinguish it from the first person perspectives, but then you have that flashback, and I think that should be in italics. So...maybe not. Or maybe put the third person in center alignment? I don't know. Maybe that's getting too fancy, especially since their sections are longer now than the one or two paragraphs each in the first chapter, and it would be better for you to just put the section heading in bold.

As far as shouting, I don't think you need to use all uppercase letters, stretched vowels, and double punctuation. That's what exclamation marks are for. If you don't overuse them, which you don't, then just the sight of one tells the reader what they need to know about the volume, intensity, and importance of that sentence or section of dialogue. Using words like "shouting" or "yelling" in the dialogue tags, which you also do, just adds to that perception, and you can also throw in some adverbs, facial expressions, and body language for further emphasis.

You have a very clear, crisp writing voice, which I like. It's very easy to follow along, and it's clearly engaging, if the inline comments are anything to go by.

Plot & pacing: 7/10
This feels a bit rushed right now, and details feel almost contradictory, but I think that's all part of being a first draft. It's not as descriptive as it could be, and surprising bits of info just appear without warning in a way that seems like maybe they were an afterthought. Whether that's the case or not, it's not that big of a deal. When you finish writing the story, you can go back to the beginning and smooth out any bumps.

In the first chapter, I didn't get a "college" vibe. I got more of a "high school" vibe, so it surprised me when they were in college in the next chapter. Then, when they had jobs, more surprise. It would make sense for them to have jobs, but I guess I had the impression they were kind of immature, and home and school were the only aspects of their life. That's probably because the plot is a bit skeletal right now, and transitions aren't always the smoothest, like when Prema calls the ambulance. It's all very fast, choppy action.

How they know each other is also unclear. He knew her in the first chapter, but it wasn't clear if she knew him or not. Then, in the next chapter, it was obvious that she didn't—or at least she didn't think she did. More build-up toward the moment when she—and the reader—discover the truth would be good, and I'd like more interactions between them before that moment, too. His very sudden calling her for help, the kiss, their close relationship—it's all really fast-paced, and it doesn't feel natural right now. Also, it seems very strange for her not to recognize him if the last time they met was in high school, four or five years prior to this story. Did his appearance really change that much in that time span? Again, it's not a huge problem right now, but something to explore when you finish and go back through for editing.

Characterization: 15/20
Really, it's the same thing here. I'd like more details. There isn't enough time to get to know Prema before she meets Venky, and vice versa. Their early friendship is gone in a flash, and suddenly they're kissing, and he's calling her his girlfriend. We get the physical descriptions of them incorporated into the narrative naturally, which is good, but personalities need a little more time to develop. She seems like she's sweet and bubbly, and he's...harder to nail down, actually. Emotionally scarred, but very willing to jump headfirst into a relationship with her and become the hot, flirty, seductive boyfriend. There isn't any hesitation on his part at all.

The brief glimpses into their backgrounds need a little more exploration, I think. Well, his side of that might be fine. His mom died from COVID, and his dad is now an abusive alcoholic because of that loss. But for Prema, she just casually says she's an orphan like that means nothing to her, and maybe it doesn't. Maybe she had a relatively happy childhood despite that. And maybe you're getting into that later in the story. Along with whatever happened back when she saw him kissing that girl...

Harmony within genre: 15/15
This isn't a hot-and-heavy romance story, but it's not a slow-burn, either. They jump to kissing pretty quickly. This feels more like a light Young Adult romance. So far, anyway. Regardless, it's obviously a romance.

Addendum: The author submitted this request with "Romance" listed as the genre. When I checked the tags again later, I realized "Prema" and "Venky" were tags, so I did a quick Google and discovered they're an Indian actress and actor. I updated the genre to "Fanfiction," but as far as I know, this is really just using their names and probably physical descriptions and nothing else.

Originality: 17/20
Childhood friends/sweethearts meeting after years of separation and getting back together. It's been done before, but I like the way you're doing it, and you're definitely putting your own unique spin on it. The point deduction here is really more about descriptive detail, which goes along with the plot, pacing, and characterization. It's good already, and it's not a huge flaw or anything, but fleshing out the story a bit all across the board would be nice. After you finish writing it. If you're anything like me, trying to edit previous sections while you're writing new sections is a recipe for never getting anywhere. 😅

*****

Final thoughts: Complete
Looking to support new up-and-coming authors? This is one to watch, and if you want a light romance read, this might be right up your alley. In this cute story, two young college students who haven't seen each other since early high school reunite when they bump into each other between classes. Life hasn't been kind to Venky since then, but he's relieved to know Prema is the same sweet, bubbly girl he used to know. And gorgeous, of course. She doesn't recognize him at first, but she's quick to lend him a hand when he's in need, and it isn't too long before they're official. And then...not? Well, when your relationship starts with a collision, you can probably expect more bumps along the way.