Title: Beyond What Meets The Eye by jl5040
Source: Feedback request
Genre: Teen Fiction
Subgenres: Action, Romance
Mature: Y (death, gore, guns, human trafficking, illicit drug use, loss of a loved one, murder, prescription drug abuse, prostitution, rape, sexual references, smoking, strong profanity, suicide, underage drinking, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
First impressions: 36/40
Digging deeper: 94/100
Final thoughts: pending

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. → 

*****

First impressions: 36/40

Title: 10/10
This is a nice, ambiguous title which could apply to books of many genres, and it works very well with the plot of this book in particular.

Story description: 8/10
The content of the blurb is great. You introduce the main character, Mira, along with a brief overview of pertinent background information, ending with the plot conflict. Everything is just the right balance of telling enough to pique interest while holding enough back to maintain the mystery.

There are some grammatical errors, though, but they're not major. In the first sentence, I think a colon would work better than a semicolon, since what follows is a list of the reasons she seems to have everything. Also, "state's" should have an apostrophe because it's possessive. In the following sentence, I'd probably cut "from that" because it just feels a little clunky to me, and add a comma before "though." If you want to maintain symmetry with the first sentence, following "though" with a semicolon (or colon, if you switch it) would be a good idea, and then there should be "was" after "mother," and it should be "cut" instead of "cutting."

The rest of the blurb is good, though. You switch into the present tense at the end, but that makes sense, because the past tense sets the present tense up, bringing the reader through the past to the point where the story begins.

Cover: 10 /10
I've always liked this cover. The couple embracing or dancing in black formalwear at night, with potential snow or rain flurries between them and the camera, all works well to add to the mystique of the title. This is obviously a romance, but it isn't straightforward. The font choice, color, size, and placement are all perfect, and every piece of text is clearly visible. I especially like the red glowing cursive for "Beyond" and "Eye," which adds a nice pop of color to the mostly black cover, and together with the black formalwear, it adds a touch of elegance as well.

First chapter: 8/10
This is a strong start to the story. It basically covers the blurb in more detail, introducing the reader to Mira and the glaring contrast between what others see on the outside and what's really going on inside her. She's a teenage girl left to fend for herself since her mother died, showered with money and presents by a father who isn't present, struggling with detrimental coping mechanisms like parties and drugs while she tries to balance school and sports. You immediately make Mira a believable, relatable character with whom the reader can form an emotional connection.

There are some minor grammatical errors, here and throughout the story. Commas are a common problem, as are apostrophes in possessive nouns and punctuation and capitalization with dialogue tags. I already put inline comments where I found issues, and I'll continue doing that as I read, because I know these errors continue as the story progresses. But they're not major errors, and they don't detract from the story's readability.

*****

Digging deeper: 94/100

Cover & title: 10/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Story description: 4/5
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Grammar & voice: 15/20
The grammatical errors I noted earlier continue throughout the story, along with occasional run-on sentences, rare slips into the present tense, and the occasional word swap or misspelling, but they continue to be minor, so they don't detract from the story's readability.

Another point I'm not sure if I made in the inline comments is regarding the flow of conversation. You're usually good at this, but there are rare occasions where person A will speak, and then person B's actions follow the dialogue, and then there's a new paragraph with person B's dialogue. Keeping one person's dialogue and actions together helps to prevent any confusion, because especially when there isn't a dialogue tag, it can look like person B is saying person A's lines.

Along with that, and this is also something I've only seen you do on rare occasions, try to avoid splitting up one speaker's dialogue. Having one paragraph with person A's dialogue and actions, followed by a new paragraph with person A's dialogue and actions, can feel very strange, especially if there's no change in topic or tone to make sense of that split. And in the context of a conversation, the reader expects an A B A B flow, where each alternating paragraph has a new person's dialogue and actions, so having an A B A A B throws the reader off.

When it makes sense to split a person's dialogue into two sections, I usually like to add a short paragraph between sections of dialogue with some action or a note about their thoughts or emotions, kind of like an extended dialogue tag. That not only explains the reason for splitting the dialogue, but it also fabricates the A B A B format. A is dialogue, B is the in-between sentence(s), and A is dialogue again, so when the next B with another person comes along, it's their turn to speak and the reader doesn't get confused.

As for your voice, you have a very strong writing style with plenty of variation in sentence length and structure and a good vocabulary, so the story is clear, compelling, and engaging. You're great at getting into Mira's head and making her accessible to the reader, and your action scenes are vivid and easy to follow. I felt like I was there playing soccer with Mira. Not just watching it. Playing it. It's that real.

Plot & pacing: 10/10
The reader won't know the entire plot by the end of chapter five, but the pacing is good, and the story is entirely character-driven, so following Mira is the most important part of following the plot. As long as she's moving, the plot is, too. There's no drop in the action, and even the supposedly "filler" details of her cuddling with her dog Pickles (who I love, by the way) is not "filler" at all. Everything has a purpose and a place here.

The only additional note I have here is that Wattpad requires anything that mentions self-harm or suicide to be rated Mature, so even though your story doesn't show suicide or discuss it in great detail (as of chapter five, anyway), just mentioning Mira's mother's suicide is enough to warrant a Mature rating. Link to Wattpad's Content Guidelines in the inline comments. →

Characterization: 20/20
As I said, Mira is the plot. And from the start, she's a believable, relatable, sympathetic character. She has many secret struggles, but she's not giving up. She's already stopped partying, drinking, and doing illicit drugs to cope, because she knows the best way for her to move on with her life is by improving herself. So, she's determined to do well in school and on the soccer field, setting her hopes on college as the next step to becoming her own person. Yes, she makes mistakes, but she won't let them get her down, and she has enough self-respect to stand up for herself when people like her ex-boyfriend use and abuse her.

One thing I really appreciate about Mira is how clear-headed she is when it comes to boys. Adrian and Xaviar are handsome and nice, and she notices that right away, but she also knows the crush she has on Xaviar is probably a temporary thing, and after what she went through with her ex, she is very wary about getting into another relationship with someone she doesn't know. And Adrian is just the hot guy who gets coffee at the shop where she works. She doesn't turn into a fangirl with hearts in her eyes with either of these boys/young men.

Your side characters are really well-developed, too. Mira's teacher and coach, Adrian and Xavier, Jayla, even her parents, who we haven't really met yet; each new character is distinct from the rest and layered with all the complexities of normal people.

Harmony within genre: 15/15
Definitely teen fiction. Not young teen fiction; more bordering on new/young adult, but it's teen fiction, nonetheless. Mira is a teenager (it always surprises me how many "teen fiction" stories don't have teenagers in them), and she's dealing with all the normal teen experiences and stresses of most other teenagers—plus some. I wouldn't recommend this book to a 13-year-old unless they're particularly mature, but 16 and up? Yeah.

Originality: 20/20
This is so non-cliché that it's refreshing. Teen fiction can often aggravate me by rehashing the same theme of boy-hungry girls who can't think straight because they're too busy daydreaming about their crushes. This is not one of those stories, and Mira is not one of those girls. So, not only do you use an entirely different script from many teen fiction stories, your characters are completely yours and completely original, and your plotline is also unique. Then there's your descriptive detail. You don't write flowery metaphors describing sunsets, but there's detail in every chapter, in accordance with what the story needs. Physical character descriptions, emotional and mental state, action scenes—your descriptions are practical and vivid, and they really enhance the story.

*****

Final thoughts: pending