Title: All Over Again : A Mystery Asserts Itself by iampotterhead99
Source: Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024 by TheHappyWriters
Category: Harry Potter fandom
Mature: N (mild swearing)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
Round 1: 24/40
Round 2: 70/100, did not progress to round 3

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*****

Round 1: 24/40

Title: 8/10
Okay, I'm the weirdo who notices these things, but there's an unnecessary space between "Again" and the colon. Also...I don't see the need for the second part of the title, "A Mystery Asserts Itself." That reads like a subtitle, so I'd expect that on the book cover, but not in the title itself. It just gets super long, especially with "(A Hermione Fanfiction)."

Cover: 4/10
Now, I'm not a graphics person, and I know how tricky it is to do graphics when that's not your thing. I think the image you're using is good, and the content of the text is good - except you don't have the subtitle, and you really should have that. But, anyway, you just need to figure out how to make all the pieces work together. A frame of some sort would probably help to make this seem less like text slapped on a picture, and a fancier font would be a good idea, too. Having different fonts for different parts of the cover would be nice, too. Something similar, but slightly different. Maybe cursive? Make the title an elegant cursive and move it up above her head, making sure it stands out from a border, if you decide to add that. That would look good. For your name, I'd cut "By," since I never like that and space is at a premium for you. Then decrease the font size and tuck your name in the bottom left-hand corner, where it stands out against the shadows. Again, I think a cursive font, but something more playful than whatever you use for the title. Since you have a lot of text and not a lot of space, I'd cut "A Hermione Fanfiction," since that's blatantly obvious by her picture, and put "A Mystery Asserts Itself" instead. That one could be a messier cursive, like it's scribbled on a piece of paper, and maybe slant it to enhance that messy effect. I think I'd stick that across her chest, going up to her right shoulder, set a little right of center. Anyway. It's easy for me to say, but once you actually start working on it and you can actually see it in front of you, you may want to go in a different direction. That's just what I came up with.

Summary: 6/10
First thing - I'd cut that quote at the top. The blurb is more important, and the quote is distracting. Now, in the actual blurb, there are some grammar issues, and playing around with wording and sentence structure would probably increase your hook. For example, that first line. There should be a space between "at" and "last," and I'd actually use a hyphen instead of a period to hook it into the next sentence. That adds more emphasis: "At least it was over - or so it seemed." That has a nice ominous feeling about it.

In the next paragraph, that first sentence doesn't make sense at first, but I think it's just a problem with the order of information. So flipping it around to be more chronological: "The brutalities suffered 21 years ago and long forgotten are coming back to the present."

Yay! She married Ron! I assume. There are a lot of Weasley boys. 😉 And Ministress of Magic? That sounds perfect for her.

Next line, you don't need "she can." And when you get into the questions, there should be a comma after "safety," and "would" should be "will." "Innocent" should be plural, so "innocents," and "occur on" is awkward. It's clearer to say "continue." Next question, I'd cut "somehow yet improbably," because that's just cluttering up the sentence, and the meaning is already implied. I wouldn't capitalize "evil omen." You don't need "unnaturally," because, again, it's clutter, and it's implied; flip it around to "he is back," and cut the periods before the question mark.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 6/10
Author's note: "So it may seem insane." 😆 I feel like that's something I should warn my readers about sometimes. My head goes to weird places.

Chapter 1: Aw, this is so cute! Hermione and Ron in marital bliss with a pair of kids - ack! It's so cute! I love it! These simple everyday scenes that just smack with affection are so adorable.

So, same kind of issues as the blurb. Phrasing, cutting out clutter, that kind of thing. I think an editing tool would probably help you here, especially with prepositions. For example, in the first sentence, you already said it's "8 am," so you don't need "in the morning," and "of" should be "on." Verb tense is also an issue here. Overall, this is past tense, but there are times when you slip into present tense. "Being a Ministress of Magic required lots of brainstorming." Consistency is key.

Some more detail would be nice - appearance, surroundings, sounds, smells. But this is such a sweet scene with a happy family all around the breakfast table, and I love it. There's no trace of the plot yet, but you've set the stage nicely for conflict when Hermione has to make the choice to protect her family by turning a blind eye or risk their lives by facing danger head-on.

*****

Rubric:
- Title: 10
- Book cover: 10
- Summary: 10
- Descriptiveness: 10
- Reader engagement: 10
- Plot uniqueness: 10
- Character development: 10
- Creativity: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar/punctuation: 10
Total: 100

*****

Round 2: 70/100

Title: 8/10
See round one feedback.

Book cover: 4/10
See round one feedback.

Summary: 6/10
See round one feedback.

Descriptiveness: 6/10
You do a lot of telling, but not so much showing. Expressions are the biggest thing I notice with this. You say a character feels such-and-such way, but it would be more effective to show us. Did their eyes widen? Did they furrow their brow? What about a frown or a smile? These are the kinds of details that really help the reader picture what's going on. And similar advice for everything else - character appearance, description of environment - showing more than telling would be helpful. And you don't have to limit yourself to visual descriptions. What does it smell like? Is there a specific sound? How does it feel? Or taste? Get all the senses involved, and that brings your descriptions to life.

Reader engagement: 6/10
Pretty good, but the characters are a bit distant, I think. This probably goes back to descriptions. Just bringing the reader into the story more improves the hook and interest level.

Plot uniqueness: 10/10
This is literally the first Harry Potter fanfiction I've read set after Hogwarts. I know there are more fanfictions than this one that follow the adult life of the characters from the books, but they're not as common as stories set during their school years, or even during their parents' school years. The details about how the magical world is set in the Muggle world don't catch as much attention from authors, I guess. But you grab those details, plop Hermione and Ron into married life with kids and adult jobs, and you run them right into a murder mystery.

Character development: 6/10
This goes back to description, but showing the emotions and describing Hermione's thoughts better will allow the reader to relate and to connect with her. And with Ron. Hermione as a steady Ministress of Magic, knocked off her feet by these letters and murders, brought to the realization that she can't do this alone and she needs help - that's what happens, and I know that's what happens, but I'd like to feel it more along the way. And feel Ron's concern building into anger. And feel what the kids feel when they meet their cousins and friends and leave for school. Adding more detail and making the reader's knowledge of these characters more intimate builds that bond and reader investment.

Creativity: 10/10
Murder mysteries aren't exactly common among Harry Potter fanfictions. And it's been a long time since I've read the books, so maybe more of the details you've added about how Hermione gets to the Ministry of Magic are canon than I realize, but I know you're adding your own details and your own spin to make this world and this story yours.

Writing style: 8/10
You have a very neat, proper tone, which is an interesting way to approach a murder mystery. And there's nothing wrong with that, and you can still hold onto that even when you add in more details to bring the reader closer to the action.

Grammar/punctuation: 6/10
Phrasing is your biggest issue here. Extra words, syntax issues - it's readable and understandable, but it could be clearer. Tense is another issue. This is in past tense, but you slip into present tense here and there. There are also times where the dialogue gets confusing because you don't name the speaker regularly. If it's a short section of dialogue and only two speakers, you can get away with fewer dialogue tags, but in chapter five, when Hermione, Ron, and Harry are all talking, it gets confusing. Adding dialogue tags here is another place you can add description, too, because you can say what tone a person uses, or if their expression changes, or if they make a gesture.