Title: A Forgotten Christmas Present by afro_pride
Source: ELGANZA, INC. | AWARDS by TheCieloCommunity

Category: Short Stories

Mature: N (PG-13 or lower: alcoholism, blood, cancer, death, divorce, homelessness, loss of a loved one, medical issues)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing

Special note (judging): I had five books in this category, and the other judges (BANGTANHOLIC_FICS and Lunatic_Twilight) had five books each.
Result: 95/100

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*****

Rubric:
- Title: 5
- Book cover: 5
- Description (blurb): 5
- Plot & storytelling: 15
- Character development: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar: 10
- Originality & creativity: 10
- Emotional impact: 10
- Pacing & structure: 5
- Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5
- Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10
Total: 100

*****

Total: 95/100

Title: 5/5
I love Christmas stories! They always kind of surprise me when I come across them in judging, but it's always a pleasant surprise. This title in particular could also be the title of a Christmas special on TV, so yes. Love it.

Cover: 5/5
And it has a cutesy cover to further enhance the childlike wonder I get from the title. The text and imagery all go together so well, and even the sticker works. That doesn't happen all the time. But yes, I love the cartoon girl against a snowy background and the fun cursive for the title. Your name is visible but unobtrusive, and the pastel colors all blend really well.

Blurb: 4/5
The content of this blurb is perfect, as is your grammar. My only suggestion would be to move or cut the first line, which restates the title and adds a subtitle. That takes up valuable space in the limited blurb preview that I think is better used by starting the blurb content right away, and I think it would be better to incorporate that information into the introductory material instead. Or you could add it into the title, but that would run into the issue of Wattpad cutting the title short in the preview because of length. I really wish they would add a subtitle spot.

Anyway, this sounds like it's going to be a cute, heartwarming story, so let's get into it.

Plot & storytelling: 14/15
This is a really beautiful story. The plot is heartwarming and bittersweet, simple and complex, and it's very engaging. I'm not sure how I feel about revealing who Snowflake is right away in the Prologue. I guess it makes sense, especially given the way you've written the story for a younger audience, but it removes the mystery. Then again, it also allows the reader to have a sense of anticipation as Lily gets closer to unraveling the secret, which I do enjoy.

Question, though. Right at the start of chapter one, Lily's dad is called "Stephen." Then, in that same chapter, there's a switch to calling him "Mr. Anderson," and that's how you refer to him for the rest of the story. Why the change? Vida continues being called "Vida" instead of "Mrs. Anderson," and Lily certainly wouldn't think of her father as "Mr. Anderson" (or "Stephen," but his name is still more natural than a title and a last name). It doesn't really make sense, and it depersonalizes him.

Another observation I have is about Lily's age. She's a 13-year-old girl, but everybody treats her as though she were a child of less than 10 years old. I understand why her parents would want to euphemize her dad's diagnosis and not use the word "cancer," but the age thing is weird. If you hadn't said she was 13, I really would have thought she was much younger, and I had to keep reminding myself she was older. Her dialogue and her thoughts also come across much younger, which could be because you're trying to write to an audience younger than her, but it still feels off to me.

Character development: 10/10
Moving past the age question, your character development is on point. Even in the prologue, there's enough to form a connection with Vida so the reader can feel the impending doom when we see her mother crying, and the grief hits us, too. Then, moving into the story proper, you do a great job of showing Lily's life before her dad's illness to lay the groundwork for the rest of the story. We get to see her happiness and kindness in action when her family encounters the homeless (or extremely poverty-stricken) family, and her dad's lighthearted, jokester personality comes through very clearly, as does her mom's more serious, responsible, workaholic nature.

And that makes sense of how Lily and Vida respond to Stephen's illness and death. Lily needs her mother to be as close to her as her father was, but Vida is so consumed with work and providing for Lily minus Stephen's income that she pulls further away. It's a very natural response, and I love how you bring realization to both Lily and Vida through the people around them. They need to understand each other in order to come together and heal.

Writing style: 9/10
You have a clear, engaging writing style. As I mentioned earlier, it seems like you're writing for a younger audience, which is often the case with Christmas stories, so there's nothing wrong with that. Lily's age is the only point of concern for me, but I'm not the best at writing from a child's perspective or to a child audience, so I don't really know what the solution may be. Maybe it's fine and you just need to ignore me. 😉

I noted a few things as I read that I wanted to point out, and the first item is thoughts. Lily's first thought has nothing to differentiate it from the rest of the text except "she thought," which occurs in the second sentence of the thought, so at first, I thought it was a mistaken slip into the first person perspective. Later, you differentiate thoughts by setting them apart in italics, and I think that's the way to go.

There are occasional instances where one person's dialogue is followed by another person's actions in the same paragraph, and that can get confusing sometimes. Not so much here, but just in general, so I recommend separating things with one person's dialogue and actions in one paragraph, and when the speaker or actor changes, make a new paragraph.

One final note concerns hyphens. If they're just normal hyphens inserted within a sentence, it looks like you made an incorrect compound word. Just adding a space on either side of the hyphen ( - ) would make it stand out more and remove that problem.

Grammar: 8/10
Generally, this is a really clean (grammatically speaking) read. There are some commas here or there that should be semicolons because you toe the line of a run-on sentence, and sometimes, the verb form is questionable. There are no slips into the present tense, but I found a few places where I think using the "had" version might be more appropriate than the simple past tense. Otherwise, there's one missing space between sentences, one comma outside of a dialogue tag, and that's about it for grammar.

There are a few words I think you might want to swap out for something that better suits the intended meaning, though. When Lily and family go to her grandmother's house, it says "There were all kinds of sumptuous meals," but they're eating a meal. One meal. I think saying "dishes" or "foods" would be more appropriate to show the individual components of the meal. Also, in the hospital, Stephen says "Coming in," which should be "Come in."

Finally, there are some dialogue tags with Tia that are questionable. It says she "implied" right after she made a direct statement. There is no implication. She didn't leave anything up to the imagination or drop any hints for Vida to draw her own conclusion, which is what "implied" means. Then, she "called softly," but Vida is still standing right there. If Vida were walking away and Tia was trying to get her attention, then she'd have to "call," but she doesn't have to do that. So, I'd change both "implied" and "called" to verbs more appropriate for the situation.

Originality & creativity: 10/10
Okay, so we're all familiar with heartwarming, bittersweet Christmas stories involving family tragedy and some catalyst to bring everybody back together, so in that sense, this isn't a unique plotline. But the way to make something unique is all in the details. Own the characters, the setting, the specific situations, descriptions, etc., and the story is yours. And that's what you've done here. This is not exactly like another Christmas story, and your characters are not exactly like other characters. You've breathed your creativity into it to make it yours.

Emotional impact: 10/10
You forge an emotional connection with the reader right from the start with the Prologue, drawing the reader into Vida's mind and heart to feel her excitement about her dad coming home and then feel the subsequent grief when he doesn't. Then, you proceed to lift the reader's spirits with Vida's adult life and family, only to plunge us back into a trail of dread and impending doom as we see the same thing happening to Lily all over again. The heartwarming moments balance the sadness out, though, so this isn't a tear fest, but it definitely has a significant emotional impact.

Pacing & structure: 5/5
Perfect. As I mentioned earlier, the content of the Prologue may be questionable (to me, at least), since it gives away what happens later, but it's probably fine. Nothing drags; nothing is too fast; and chapter content is appropriate and sensible.

Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5/5
Free points. Yay! 🙂

Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10/10
I really enjoyed reading this story. It's very sweet, although heavier than I expected, and I'd love to see how you wrap it all up. The revelation that the present belongs to Vida promises to be quite an emotional one, and if I don't miss my guess, it will turn out they've moved into Vida's father's old house, which will add an interesting layer of heartbreak and happiness to this. Maybe you can finish it before this Christmas? Please? 🥺