As the oldest child, I was always to blame for something not going right. I was forced to grow up leaving my child innocence behind. Because of this, years and years later, when I try to find my childhood innocence, it's so difficult and seemingly not even possible.

I've learned not to look forward to things because if you dont look forward to something, then you wont be disappointed. When I was in middle school I was always down. I was always sad.

Whenever something was promised that I enjoyed, I clung to that promise and looked forward to it happening. However, I soon learned not to be hopeful or get my hopes up because you will only get let down.

Now I never look forward to anything until it happens. I do this so I'm not so hurt when and if it doesnt end up happening. Only recently did I become brave enough to once again be hopeful for days to come.

Yet, when everything seems to finally be coming together for the better, things end up going downhill again. Therefore I again become hopeless.