I don't know what I was expecting from his apartment. It looked so normal. You wouldn't think a hundred year old super soldier who was on the run from just about every organisation out here would live somewhere so... normal.

There are no other words to describe it. The couch looks practically new, placed in front of a flat screen TV. A throw blanket has been thrown over the back of it, the bright yellow fluff clinging to the fabric of the couch.

The cupboards in the kitchen were fully stock, some groceries left out on the side. The only thing that stood out about the apartment was a single photo set on the counter separating the two rooms.

It was old and crumpled but the elegant frame made up for it. Belle was on Bucky's back laughing without a care in the world. A small smile tugged at Bucky's lips, one arm held out holding the camera. Without hesitation I pick up the tiny frame and slide it into my back pocket.

"I won't be long Wade. See if you can find anything useful in here, I'll look in the bedrooms." Wade nodded and headed straight for the kitchen. I guess it would be helpful to have actual food in the house. I know all to well that Wade can live of Mexican food and pizza.

Belle's bedroom was locked with a key nowhere in sight. Well I hope she doesn't want anything too desperately, I don't particularly want to break the door especially if it was already locked. That's a whole new level of invading someone's privacy.

I turned to Bucky's room at the end of the hall. The door was wide open practically begging me to enter. Accepting the bait I began to look around for anything Bucky may want/need.

"Hey cap do you think he will mind if I take this food?" Wade calls from the other room.

"I don't think so." I respond, truthfully not really listening. I am too busy staring at a tiny notebook almost identical to my own. Every soldier was given one among other army regulated goods. Mine was full of random drawings, notes and goodness knows what else. But I don't recall Bucky ever picking it up never mind using it.

Curiosity getting the better of me I sat on the bed and opened up the book to a random page halfway through. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to read.

"Tomorrow they are wiping my memory. I should be used to it by now, it's not like this is a new thing for me. But ever since Belle came into my life I have found myself not wanting to forget. I am worried I am going to wake up one day with no recollection of her. What will happen then? Hydra certainly won't look after her. She'll be sent out into the world: alone and confused.

She had the genius idea of writing everything down. I don't know why it never came to mind before. Then again I have never actively wanted to remember anything before so why would it?

So here it goes.

Write it down before you forget. What do you want to remember?

Belle obviously. Even if I was given a year to write this, it still wouldn't be enough time to put into words how much that girl has changed my life. She has thousands of adorable habits: for example whenever she is happy she flaps her hands or jumps on the spot.

At lunch once, a fight broke out in the canteen over someone getting twice as much food. So what did Belle do? She gave up her meal to feed this soldier whom she had never met and was likely to never see again. She was eleven. Eleven! When I was her age I was...well I don't know but I certainly wasn't breaking up fights like that!"

"Are you sure about that Buck." I whisper chuckling to myself. I skip a couple of pages realising they are all focused on Belle. He wasn't kidding, he could go on for days about that girl.

The further through I scanned the messier the handwriting became, as if it was physically paining him to write. My eyes were drawn to a particular page which looked startling to say the least. Two words were scrawled over and over, most of which were illegible.

"Train. Fall. Train. Fall. Train. Fall."

I had to close the book for a moment, not sure how to process the memories clawing at their cages in the depths of my mind. Releasing a shuddery breath I opened the notebook skipping over that page half expecting the same chaotic scene.

"For the past week I have been having the same nightmare. I don't know if it's real or just another fake reality they put in my head.

I'm on a train, gun in hands and fighting for my life. But it didn't feel like the missions I'm used to. There was desperation, anger and above all fear. Emotions hydra have taught me to suppress. It makes me wonder if I had a life before Hydra.

There was a man as well. Usually the people in my dreams are all faceless. Not him. I don't think I will ever be able to forget the look of utter terror in his eyes as I was thrown from the carriage, plummeting into unknown depths.

I am beginning to wonder whether I want to remember this or not. Then again you can't have the light without darkness. It's good to have that balance, you can learn from the tragedies of your past. Grow from them.

But I suppose I can afford to lose a few..."

God I can't take anymore of this. I slammed the book shut and shoved it in my pocket. Wade knocks on the door yelling for me to hurry up but I can't move.

A breeze picks up from nowhere, nipping at my skin until goosebumps litter my body. I'm back there gripping the metal railing for dear life. Lose my footing and I'll fall too. I contemplated that for a second. His screams still bounced off the side of the mountains as if nature itself was taunting me with his death.

"Capsicle what's taking so- jeez are you okay?" Wade didn't approach but I could sense the concern in his voice. My mouth opened and closed as my brain failed to communicate with it.

"Do you want me to take you back?"

"Y-yes."

Wade places his hand on my shoulder and we are whisked away. I barely acknowledged the change in environment. I regain my balance and head straight to the furthest bedroom, shutting the door behind me.

What the hell did I just read?

---

(Flashback to when Wade and Steve just left)

"Do you want to talk about it?" Bucky whispers, holding me firm against his body.

"No."

I don't think I could tell him even if I wanted to. How are you supposed to explain to your guardian that you watched them die over and over again. He would think I am crazy.

"That's okay. You don't have to."

I grip him tighter as if he was going to fade away. "Don't leave."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Someone knocked on the door and I quickly wiped away my tears. Peter entered hesitantly, clutching a book to his chest. He noticed the tear tracks and goes to leave, spouting apologies.

"S-Sorry. I didn't realise- I'll come back in a bit."

"It's okay Peter. What's that?" I force a smile, turning off my emotions before they get too overwhelming.

"Oh well I remember you mentioning that you liked The Hobbit, and it sucks that you couldn't bring your copy with you. So I found a copy online." Peter handed me the book and my face lit up.

"It's in Serbian so it's easier for you to read." I sat in silence smiling at the cover, reading the title over and over until my eyes hurt.

"Thank you Peter." I pushed off the bed and attacked him with a hug. He stumbled back, clearly shocked at the contact since the last time we spoke I barely let him get within a three foot radius.

"How come she's the only one to get gifts?" Bucky jokes and I shoot him a look. Peter however began to stutter looking at him with the slightest hint of fear.

"I, um, can get you something if you like sir. I didn't really know what you wou-"

"Peter I'm joking." Bucky chuckled, clapping him on the shoulder. "And please call me Bucky."

"Okay si-Bucky." I unwrapped myself from Peter's waist and set the book on my bedside table. My stomach grumbled loudly making my cheeks heat up with embarrassment.

"You hungry? I can see what food Wade has. Be warned it will most likely be left over take away or ice cream."

"Sounds great."

Bucky slung his arm around my shoulder and led me out into the main room. My body still ached from the morning, but after many arguments we came to the agreement that there were no breaks. Just bruises.

We sat in front of the TV with bowls of ice cream in our lap - turns out Wade really didn't have anything else in the house. Peter turned on this weird English show called Good Omens which was strangely addictive. By the time Wade and Steve returned we were on episode five and our third bowl of ice cream.

Upon noticing the show, Wade dropped a tote bag full to the brim with food, crossing his arms against his chest.

"Oh I know you did not start this without me!" He exclaimed, offended. Peter just giggled, grabbing his arm and pulling him down next to him.

They look happy.

Steve however does not. He looks positively destroyed. He left without a word, shutting himself away in one of the many bedrooms. I caught the latter half of an unspoken conversation, ending with Bucky getting up and following Steve.

"Is he okay?"

"He's fine don't worry. Now what did I miss." I cast a glance back at Bucky before focusing on Peter's animated explanation of the show.