MY PROBLEM LIES ON THE COLLATERAL SIDE and it irks me to an infinite extent because how the hell does this mass tumor obstruct my lobes? this is really irritating since i cannot use my other hand to write the scribbled projection from my occipital lobe (with the useless help of frontal lobe anyway). the mass tumor inhibits my thinking, it spreads words like "you can only do this little? you can aim more, darling. you can outwork everyone if you work it out. try more; there are still many things to be preoccupied about". and i return: fuck perfectionism. i have said to myself countless times that perfectionismis impossible and that every human has flaws and all of these are just the basics. oh, all of these are just the basics. basics. the darn basics. all of these are just the basics which i must procure and store them all perfectly in some kind of exclusive bunker so that they will not leave me. i am grasping to them as if my life were on the line. why am i so afraid of losing them, letting them slide down from my hold? maybe i am too paranoid. perhaps, i am a memorial-based freak. or is it my survival instinct who is too afraid to let them go to only become a waste of metabolism after those cramped hours the night before? and it does not help when the chemoreceptor trigger zone does something to the emesis center on my medulla oblongata and i am this close to puke at my own smell and thought that i have never been good enough.