In elementary school I liked to pretend I was a fairy

and I liked to pretend I was a princess

and I liked to pretend there were big mountains and deep seas

and golden treasures hidden behind old trees.

And I loved my life and everything was good.

At the age of ten I changed school

and suddenly the world was bigger than it had ever been before

and it felt kinda cool.

I learned a lot in school.

In fifth grade I learned slim girls were the most beautiful of them all

and I learned to hate my body even though it was perfectly fine.

In sixth grade I learned one – being a girl – had to shave

and I learned to love it even though I didnt understand it at that time.

After all I was only twelve years old.

In seventh grade I learned nothing.

Seventh grade was good. Seventh grade was peaceful. I liked seventh grade a lot.

In eighths grade I learned about

drugs and cigarettes and sex and alcohol and self harm and depression

and I learned that those things were important to stand out.

I thought they were all nuts.

In ninth grade I wanted a boyfriend because apparently one had a boyfriend at that time.

And – apparently – I didnt because I had missed lesson number one: the key to beauty.

So I lost thirty pounds and starved myself into an eating disorder.

In tenth grade I learned that the key to beauty was some dump shit that didnt work.

Instead of a boyfriend I had gotten lustful stares and objectifying touches

so I ate a lot and put those thirty pounds back on and a few more.

Just to make sure I could walk to school in peace.

They made me feel so ugly.

In elevens grade I learned how depression felt. I was so lost. I was so fucking lost.

Nobody had taught me how to deal with that.

In twelfth grade I finally learned what the problem was.

I had believed grades defined my worth.

I had believed teachers had power over me.

I had believed toxic people knew what I needed.

I had believed other peoples opinions had more worth than my own.

I had believed feeling beautiful was dangerous.

I had believed standing out was bad.

I had believed being me was wrong.

I had believed them all and they had fooled me all together.

It took me month after graduation to become myself for the first time in forever.

It still takes time.

What I didnt learn in school was to love myself.

The most important lesson of them all.