Are you guys tired of this book? Reads and responses are dropping, so I want to know what you think in case you see this note and would like to share :( If you are one of those who are still here because you enjoy this book, please drop your feedback on why <3

I think this is one of my favorite chapters. No kidding!

4314 words! Enjoy <3

⭒

Nandini

Bangalore was well known for its milder summers and cooler monsoons, which was why it had been oddly gloomy to see clouds covering the sky all morning. My deadline for showcasing my project to my supervisor was right around the corner, and despite the time-pressure, I did not feel like getting any work done. Instead, I wanted to be wrapped up in my bed, watching a cringy rom-com and bawling my eyes out at a happily ever after I could never have.

"T."

The sudden sound of Smaran's loud voice broke my daydream, and conscious of his volume being a bother to me, he cowered... only exposing the sort flock of immobile curly hair over his head. He was only some centimetres taller than me, and was one of the two Biochemistry students who were offered an apprenticeship in our lab, by one of our department coordinators.

"Okay, let me think..." said Inaaya from across the room, engrossed in her task. She worked on a Cosmology project within our department and was often the more playful one in our five member lab. "T... T... Tunisia!"

I smiled at her unconventional pick for a place, that trapped their opponent – Smaran's team – back on 'A'. Places starting with A were the first to get exhausted, after the six continents, some Indian cities and states were claimed. The game had naturally helped them pull through the otherwise dull day without completely distracting themselves from the deadline at sight.

"A... Argentina," said another labmate from Smaran's team, while verifying something from his records, which Inaaya came around to and doubtfully cross-verified. She had to make sure it wasn't an actual atlas or something which had the places alphabetically marked out.

"Wait wait, Argentina's already been done," Inaaya blurted as her opposing teammate bit his tongue and scratched his head.

He did not think she would remember that from four rounds ago.

"Alright, umm..."

"Aruba," came my suggestion before I could even filter the thought. All eyes snapped at me.

Inaaaya scrunitised and raised an eyebrow, shooting me a questionable look. "And where's that?" For a moment, she reminded me of the school version of Alia.

"Netherlands, I guess? I don't know." I shrugged, regretting opening my mouth. Those guys were not necessarily my friends, they knew and interacted with each other on a regular basis while I just secluded myself from all other human contact outside my immediate family. In no way did I have any say in how the group's games were played, so I should not have said anything.

I should have learned that lesson from my experiences with Fab 5, especially after Manik's warning surrounding Dhruv and the rest of his friends, all of whom had ulterior motives for being nice to me.

"Does that geographical detail matter? It sounds like a real place," defended Smaran's teammate, beyond glad that he was being saved in a moment of crisis.

"Wow!" Smaran hollered and jumped up from his bench, all the while grinning like a child who had just won a prize. "Nandini's on our team guys, we called it!" My chest instantly swelled with the warm fuzzy feeling of being valued enough to be celebrated.

He was subsequently countered by Inaaya and the teammate friend of hers, who were playing the girl power card and suggested to have me on their side. That way, we could all play a girls versus boys match to see which of the teams was superior.

My lips mildly twisted as the two battled it out with an elaborate argument, and finally resorted to rock, paper, scissors. When Smaran won and I joined their team, his clan of two made it a point to rub it in Inaaya's face at every opportunity they got.

The rest of the beautiful morning was more productive for me despite the entertaining distraction. It contributed to time passing away in a jiffy, until the lab suddenly brightened as a beam of sunshine peeked between the darkened clouds.

⭒⭒⭒

Manik

I snapped a mesmerising melody in its wake by misplacing a chord, sending the whole piece out of sync.

For the fourth time that day, I had messed up our song.

Music had always been the one aspect in my life I could control. Not a single person on the planet could come close to meddling with it, nobody had been given the power to do so. It was why, when I was in my element, I was invincible. Nandini too affirmed that belief of mine when she had said, the Manik Malhotra I heard about never let his music sway for anything, on the terrace of the new SPACE College the night of our orientation performance.

So what had happened to that Manik Malhotra?

Detached and low spirited, I was setting the guitar over the speaker that remained by my feet while the rest of the crew grumbled.

They had already suggested I take a break, which I denied, twice, because taking a break meant surrendering my hold on my craft... and letting some stupid, temporary distractions take over my love – my passion – for my art. Instead, I had followed up with a double shot of black coffee, hoping that the subsequent alertness would wipe away some of the brainfog that was blocking me from performing to my potential.

Unfortunately, it didn't. Breakfast, a walk, fresh air, three cigarettes: none of those outlets helped in any way.

Our album launch was happening in two days. Rehearsals and preparation had been taking place in full swing. I had not slept a full night in nearly two weeks and as a result, I had missed the first few practice sessions, blaming it on my exhaustion which hindered my creativity.

I still came to rehearsals on the days I felt inspired to create, which Cabir noted, but in general, passion could not be forced during a period where... where the body needed its rest. Yes.

Screwing my eyes shut, I heaved a sigh and confessed with tremendous difficulty, "It's just not working for me... today," I added, certain that I just needed one day off to gather myself.

The others spared a glance at one another, and Alex nodded to the troop, as if volunteering to take one for the team. "Do you perhaps think... this might be a good time to take a step back and reflect on things?" He was the same person, who in passing, shot a snarky comment about my self-indulgence on the days I had disappeared on them. Apparently I had not cared enough about my passion to put in the work on days it did not feel easy.

In my steadfast focus towards proving myself to everyone... including myself... I took it as a challenge to my ego. I made it a point to show up and push through. No matter how dead I felt from the inside. No matter how pathetic I found the kind of work I was producing, regardless of its flatness and despite the permanent uneasy energy that surrounded me, I powered through and turned up to every subsequent practice session.

I had successfully accomplished my shortsighted mission, justifying my purpose to the doubts he had raised, which was why I frowned at Alex's comment. "What do you mean by that?" I huffed, storming a step forward.

How dare he raise questions at me when he himself put little to no effort to improve himself at his craft?

"Manik, wait," Cabir suggested, placating me by intervening and palming my chest. As a drummer, his curve had exponentially grown over the days as his timing, his skillset and coordination with the group streamlined the more the troop practiced and synchronised. His intervention, I could accept. My progress might have stagnated, if not plummetted, but I still tried. Surely he could understand that... right?

He caught the flickering glimpses of dull defeat. Amongst the rest of the crew, he knew me best. Being a close witness to my current equations with Nandini, sympathy laced his words as he softly continued speaking, "Look, Manik, things have lately been incredibly challenging for you, and –"

" – we completely get it," said Rose, gaining my focus as she began moving towards me. My eyebrows stitched together, wondering what about me she had known either through Cabir or her beloved partner Dhruv. "You have a lot going on... with your mother, and Khurana Sir's equation with her... it's difficult for you to put those things on the backburner."

Bullshit! I didn't care about any of that. Nyonika meant jackshit to me. I was fine. I was just... tired, from a lack of sleep, from my inability to fall asleep. That was all. If I popped some pills and slept through the day, and possibly the night, I would be perfectly normal again.

"But life cannot stop for the rest of us just because you're suffering," blurted Bill, mildly irritated as well.

What? Who said I was suffering?

A memory of Nandini's words, from the same night when we were in the confines of Mukti's room, echoed as she accusingly pointed at my drunk self: What happened to you, Manik? This... you... are not him. I gulped, my face heating with an unfamiliar fear I had never confronted before – the disconnect now apparent between my relationships with this troop and my bonds with my school band.

Rose budged in, cushioning the blow. "Come on, be a little sensitive, Bill. Don't say things like that."

"No, can we stop sugarcoating our thoughts, and just say what's on our mind for once?"

I took a deep breath and scalded Bill with my gaze for exposing territory that had, until then, been unchartered and compartmentalised for over half a decade. "Go ahead, say it," I urged.

That approval itself, to give it to me straight, seemed to bring his heated emotions down a notch. It took him by surprise, that somehow who looked for offense at every possible instant was level headed, and cool in a time of escalating tensions.

"We honestly think you're dragging us down, Manik. Yes, you have been... from day one. You don't respect our time, or our talent; you come in whenever you wish, you walk out whenever you feel like... it's not fair to the rest of us who are being team players and having to pull your weight... I mean... look at you, nobody ever knows what's coming their way when they're around you, do you even know what that means? That you're fucking unreliable, man!"

My throat closed in at the verbal assault. Unreliable. He said I was unreliable.

I, who had put my future on the line, time and again, to give the people I cared about a chance. For Dhruv, I had foregone one of my Board examinations to help him through his seizures. That one impulsive decision had closed off every door to public colleges in India but I made that choice without a second thought. Because he needed me.

After the Dhruv incident marked a dent in my grades, I was the one who had stepped down from an unconditional basketball scholarship at a premium college because Abhimanyu, a deserving candidate, worked harder than me to earn it. I chose his future over mine without blinking.

It was I, who had made Alia's school girl captaincy possible, knowing it would give her an edge in applying for NIFT despite having a musical background she could no longer pursue – not without Fab 5 in the picture. She would never know about it, I intended to keep it that way and take it to my grave.

I had convinced Dad to pull some strings with his contacts in Manchester, just to secure a spot for Cabir before he even finished school. I had made sure his offer at the Univeristy of Manchester came to him before our graduation, shielding him from the threat of expulsion or suspension... because of his illicit relationship with a teacher, which could taint his future forever.

I had been the person who sacrificed without hesitation, who gave my friends my best until there was nothing left for me... and I was the unreliable one.

With a hammering heart, I casted a glance at the instrument that once brought me tremendous joy. Once upon a time, it had the miraculous ability to soothe my internal scars and burns. Now, it barely incited an emotion from me.

Nandini had foreseen it, hadn't she, when she said I had lost myself. I did not believe her words then, in fact I had been too fazed to make anything of it, beyond her not wanting me. No wonder she didn't want me, why would she if she never knew what was ever coming her way when she was around me? Who would ever want an unreliable partner? Everything made perfect sense.

But how I had lost myself along the way? Why did time not stop for me... to recover those lost pieces, to grieve an end to a part of my identity that I never saw coming? Life was still moving on, and moving ahead.

Why was I left behind in the race... numb and immobile, perhaps dead from the outside, and certainly dead on the inside?

"Okay, that's a bit far," Alex admitted to everyone at my prolonged silence, a tad guilty for bringing up the difficult topic. "It's just... at this stage where our careers are just launching, there is too much on the line for us..."

"That you can't put up with me anymore..." I completed on their behalf and looked up at all of them, my words lacking a soul. Their nervousness was met with cold indifference. It was nothing new for me to hear, I had heard it all my life in different ways and forms.

As if raising myself throughout my childhood and young adulthood without proper role models wasn't enough of a punishment, I was supposed to be accountable for those fundamental self-parenting flaws as well... because a little bit of compassion was too much to ask of others.

Even of friends like Cabir.

"Right?"

Cabir's eyes were stinging as he came forward to rub my back. "It's not personal, Manik." I took a few steps backwards, flinching his thoughtful gesture away to which he helplessly sighed. My dreams, my life as he had known it, had fallen apart. Cabir knew it was coming, but he didn't care to stop it. He didn't think of warning me about it, calling me out for it.

How could a single person in my life not give a damn about me?

And the ex-girlfriend that did, that saw me for who I was, too did not want me with all my sharp edges. It had solely become my responsibility to put together something I had not even broken.

As if that wasn't already enough to deal with, Rose in an attempt to make me feel better had conjured, "Yes, and with the kind of power and connections you have, you are not limited to just this opportunity. One far better might come along, so..." Far better, yeah right.

My whole life had been upended in a span of a few moments. My music had gone out the window. My one chance to make a career in my passion, killed. A romantic relationship – not even fragmented, just non-existent: beyond repair. True friendships... huh, not like I ever had any well-wishers to begin with, and family... that was a hellish nightmare I never wanted to relive.

Nobody cared. That was the reality, this world... it was particularly unfair – callous – to me, and look... it had won. I had nothing left to lose, absolutely nothing.

I cleared my throat, brought a smile and shoved my hands in my pockets. "...so what's the unianimous decision?" At the back of my mind, I had somehow already known what was coming. They were sacking me, but if the contract had to remain binding, they would need to keep my name on the record label. Coming to terms with those tidbits before they opened vocalised their ideas would help me plan my next move.

The others looked at each other unsure on whether to divulge their plans. "We think we should look for another singer –"

"Cool," I interrupted, checking the time on my phone. What could I have for lunch?

" – for our main lead, but on the contract –" My instant disinterest took them by surprise. "Manik, are you –"

I slipped my phone back into my pocket, and scanned the premises for the way out. "Perfect," I said mindlessly, spotting the door.

"We've arranged to meet with one; he's coming at 6pm tonight, to give us his audition and –" I began walking, not bothering to hear the rest.

When I swung the door of the studio open, I warmly wished them all a "Good luck!"

And left them, for good. 

⭒⭒⭒

Nandini

When the sun finally came out, I had backed out of the games and told my teammates that I needed to go.

"Why do you have to go?" They asked.

Because it was nearly lunch time.

"So what, have you not brought food?"

I did, but I just wanted to go out on a walk.

"Alone?"

Yeah, why not? Since the time I had moved to Bangalore for good, I was used to doing things on my own that it felt like second nature to me... to involve just myself in plans that I spontaneously made.

"Arrey but why would you go alone, when there are at least two other souls in this room who are bored out of their minds?" Inaaya dragged, nearly fake snoring before she got to the end of her sentence.

I giggled and pressed my lips together. "But don't you guys have work to do?"

Smaran, in the same voice I had previously answered in, mockingly sang, "It's nearly lunch time, Nandini!"

As we scanned our IDs on our way out of the building and fell into step with each other, a conversation spontaneously erupted between us, reminding me of a simpler time in school when Navya, Aryamann and I gallivanted across our school corridor in a similar manner.

I paused, reminiscing the moment as Smaran and Inaaya continued walking, engrossed in mindless chatter. When they noticed I had been left behind, they returned, yanked me along with them and profiled a dog-walker in the distance.

Smaran painted him to be a criminal in disguise, hoping to appear less suspicious because he had an animal with him. People with animals seemed inherently trustworthy, no?

Inaaya protested that the confused man appeared more like a college dropout, looking for easier ways to make money than a basic college degree that remained only a piece of paper in the current job market.

I smiled, delighted in the newfound company that made life a little brighter. 

⭒⭒⭒

Manik

I stood at the front door of a familiar villa that I often loomed around past sunset. The journal laid between my hands, wrapped in newspaper.

Despite having tossed her diary out of my sight, those memories lived rent free, every hour of the day... everyday. It was madness. Absolute madness... and it had to stop! So I scrounged Cabir's room to find it, wrap it, and return it to the family it rightfully belonged to.

My fingers pushed the bell, while I straightened my hair and tugged on my T-shirt to make an impression.

Behind the door, a middle-aged woman I had known to be Nandini's Chikkamma appeared. Her initial delight, characteristic to welcoming a guest, faded into confusion as she studied my features, and then mild shock... as if she had recognised me.

"Hi. I'm Manik, Abhimanyu's..."

"Yaad hai mujhe." She said softly, and pulled the door open further as she stood to one side, her hands coated with atta. "Andhar aao na, beta,"

I hesitated for a long moment, before I undid my shoes at the courtyard. She insisted I leave them in, but as our eyes met, she assured herself that I wasn't the same kind of guest she was used to greeting.

From memory, I had met her face to face about four times in my life: the first time was on Ganesh Pooja, when I had come over to their house, the second time was when she had caught me talking to Nandini outside the front porch some time in the month of December, a couple of months into dating.

Chachi had not looked at me long enough to register who I was, but that night, Nandini was grilled with questions mostly surrounding why she had to sneak out of the house in the night to talk to one of her brother's friends. In a fit of cries, as she explained to me, she had convinced them she would henceforth never entertain unnecessary conversations with me.

The third time was when I had come over to pick her for badminton, sometime early March. My first proper interaction with her had only happened then.

The fourth time was when she had caught Nandini and I on my bike together, and did not think twice before intervening at our private meetup spot, slapping me across the face and dragging her daughter out of there, all while reprimanding her in public on the way out.

Those same moments probably flashed through her mind as I crouched and stepped into her home, mindful of the low ledge on the door – courtesy, the Murthys' and their heights.

"Kuch loge, main chai banau?"

"Nahi Aunty, main bas... kuch dene aaya tha." As the words left my mouth, my eyes scanned the shoerack behind the door, the intricate temple-style brass lampholders that sat on the walls, encasing incandescent bulbs inside translucent glass, the couch and TV that faced each other, the small arch opening that led to their kitchen and the stairway to my right that more often than not took me to...

Chachi studied my fleeting focus as it narrowed down on familiar elements in the house, and regarded that I was looking at the changes that transpired over the last seven years. It took her less than a second to realise I had been in there multiple times before, even up those stairs, in a particular room that belonged to her niece, that I was longingly looking towards.

"Tum... jaana chahte ho upar?"

I snapped out of my trance, and blankly looked at her conflicted pallor that was in two minds about her own suggestion. The same woman, who could not stand the thought of me dating her niece, was offering a choice... for me to explore her bedroom, how come?

Shaking my head, I clutched the object in my palms. The weight and dimensions of it was what reminded me of my purpose of the visit. Mildly generous about parting with the unexpected gift I no longer wished to possess, I extended it to her. "Yeh... yeh aapki beti ki hai."

She gazed at the box wrapped in newspaper and then me, wondering why I was giving it to her when she saw glimpses of a reluctance to let go from all other aspects. How much had she known?

Her eyes softened at a certain spot on my cheek. "Uss din..." Her lips parted to continue, but she seemed to hold back as she looked away, unsure of what exactly to say. "Jo maine kiya... tumpar haath uthaana... Pata nahi kyoon aur kaise itni himmat aayi ki..." She distastefully looked at the same sticky fingers covered in atta.

I didn't know what to say in return. Even if she had slapped me once, she was the same lady who also lovingly fed me her haath ka khaana for several months at a time through an extra box she dispatched with her daughter, not for once questioning the reasons or considering it a burden. Out of that gratitude alone, her slap could have been forgiven. "Aunty, it's okay," I said quickly.

"Nahi, maine aaj tak apne bacchon par haath nahi uthaaya hai, and to do that to someone else's child was even more... It was wrong." She concluded, unable to justify her stance in any way. Nandini's diary had, in multiple places, outlined her middle class background and how her conservative family had grown up in simplicity. Having friends who were boys itself were considered scandalous to the families she was surrounded by. "I was just scared for my child, uske aage peeche kuch nahi dekha..."

She was right in her fear, whether it was that I would bring Nandini and her family shame or that I would destroy her child's heart completely. "Aap sahi the," I muttered under my breath, letting out an unintended sniffle, and then rolled my eyes to clear the glistening layer.

"Tum uss baat ko lekar abhi bhi gussa ho?"

I half-chuckled. "Aapse gussa kaise ho sakta hoon main, Chachi, aap Nandini ki..." Catching myself offguard, I thought of rephrasing, and then uneasily gulped as Chachi's expressions changed. Was it the candid nature in which I had switched from Aunty to Chachi, or the fact that I had divulged into her relationship – or mine – with Nandini that she... was taken aback? "Aap... um, yeh lijiye. Main chalta hoon abhi." I waved it towards her.

Her lips softly curved. "You should go give it to her yourself."

"Huh?"

"Nandini yahan nahi rehti. Bangalore mein hai woh, Manyu ke saath. Aaj lunch mein aloo ke paranthe bana rahi hoon, tum khaalo phir main tumhe uski address deti hoon."

"Nahi, woh... main..."

"Excuse me! You've had this Chachi's food only for nearly a year, bhool gaye? Ya phir, don't tell me tumhe mere haath ka khaana pasand nahi aaya!"

"Nahi nahi, woh toh..." Slowly, as her words registered, a genuine smile embraced my face... for the first time in the day.

She gestured me towards the table, pulled out a chair and suggested, "Baitho!" 

⭒

Can I confess how beautiful it feels, to see a light at the end of this never-ending tunnel for them? There's finally some hope. 

Favourite moment of the chapter? 

I don't know if you resonate, but in a lot of ways, Manik and Nandini are alike. He is willing to do anything for his friends, she is willing to do anything for her love. 

Friendships exhaust him now, love exhausts her now.

How meant to be is their union <3