Please keep your love coming! <3

5143 words without author notes :")

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8 November 2010

"If you want to shine like a sun, first burn like a sun" — APJ Abdul Kalam.

That was the 'Thought for the Day' our boys' class monitor was filling out on our classroom board, courtesy his height. Our first period that Monday morning was Chemistry. To my misfortune, our teacher informed us that it was going to be a lab period. Don't get me wrong Babbu, lab periods were usually fun and an opportunity to perform experiments on concepts that were harder to grasp.

What was troubling me was the idea that we had to walk past the twelfth standard classrooms on the top floor to get to the lab, so I would have to face Manik.

Perhaps this was the reason a lot of our classmates had crushes and partners from different classes. Several girls, especially the more popular ones from our class: 10B, pined for boys from 10C who were across the corridor, but not 10A who were right beside us. The only two couples within our class were one who were going strong from 7th standard and hence did not seem to have any nearsighted ideas of ending things, while the other had just gotten together after an extroverted boy performed a dramatic proposal in the school canteen!

I shook, the shiver transmitting down my spine at the thought. A bunch of juniors and seniors, who were nowhere related to neither the boy nor the girl, were in on a moment that was supposed to be private between two individuals. It did not sit right with me. At that rate, who could even tell if the girl accepted it because she really liked him, or if she found the gesture rather daring and fun, or if she merely felt compelled to... in order to save face.

The classroom bustled as people disengaged from their seats.

"Children, can I have your attention please?!" she sternly commanded, and a resounding clap cut through our chatter. "As Principal Ma'am announced in the morning assembly, pre-boards will start from December 6th onwards." I stared out of the window, and into the distance.

The overall dullness in my life since Friday had me completely zoned out in the morning assembly. Then, I had been reprimanded by the school pupil leader during uniform inspections for not clipping my bangs. As I had touched my temples, I realised I had indeed forgotten my clips in the morning.

As I remained lost through the classroom window, the boy sitting in our bench softly passed me a look. Blinking but still gazing.

"I want each and every one of you to score well in them. Tenth standard is one of the most important milestones in your life," she emphasised, which was when I returned to class mentally and Aryamann looked away so as to not get caught.

Navya leaned in closer, barely whispering. "Suno na, are you still sad about the Diwali party? What happened with..." She stopped herself, noticing our other bench partner who had not known of anything. "...after I left?"

I shook my head and didn't respond, but gestured a thumb at her to focus on the teacher instead. Defeatedly, she interlocked her hands on the bench.

The teacher continued rather candidly, aware that the students were least interested in lectures about their upcoming lives and how invested one must be in studies to become successful. "Your whole life will be decided by this one year, one set of exams. Bas ab ek mahine ki baat hai, baaki distractions hata do aur dhyaan lagaake padhlo. Think of these as the real deal, real Board examinations, and give it everything you have, because you will still have one chance after this to rectify your mistakes."

One thing I had realised in my couple of months at SPACE was that only in such situations, where teachers truly felt the need to connect with their students, did they delve into Hindi within their speeches.

It also seemed to have the right effect, with lots of students actually panicking or caring a lot more about what was being said, "Agar iss baar aap serious nahi ho, then Boards will be your only chance. If you at all care about your future, don't take it lightly. Ab chalo, get your things and form two lines."

As the lecture came to an end, we collected our practical records from one of the class cabinets, grabbed our pencil cases and formed two single files as instructed. Girls were in one line to the left of the door, boys in the other to the right. We drabbled up the staircase that led to the top floor of the school, my nerves uneasily kicking in. My head remained tipped down, as my practical record was wedged between my pouted lip.

It was as if Aiyappa was on my side though, because as we turned into the corridor, I anxiously looked up only to see his classroom shut closed. Releasing a breath I didn't even know I was holding, I made my way across.

A series of chatters flooded in the corridor during our History lesson. An irritable Raghav Sir, whose words were being muffled in the otherwise inattentive classroom, ordered a student to go close the door. Cabir promptly hopped off his seat to help him.

Rolling my eyes, I glowered at the doorway when Navya and her two braids appeared through the gap.

With my heart hammering in my chest, I scooted to the edge of my bench in anticipation and hopes of a better view of someone behind, in front or around her. Cabir's body was in the way.

I leaned over the table to catch how much ever of a glimpse I could, before Mukti who was seated to my side nudged me and frowned: what are you doing? Then, the door closed, blocking her from me entirely. My jaw naturally dropped and I readjusted myself, gulping as the pen in my hands resumed jotting down notes from the blackboard.

On the Diwali party night, I had asked to stay back for a few minutes with me, but she had refused. I had volunteered to talk to her brother, and quote some random reason for which she needed to stay back, but Navya had butted in and told me not to create a scene. A scene? Asking her to stay back was such a huge crime now?!

That morning, I had taken the bus so I could talk to her. Conveniently, she had not taken the goddamned bus! Later, the whole of morning assembly, she had ignored me. During uniform inspections, she was being called out for something. I only picked up on the back of her head, before the PT teacher called me aside to discuss a competitive opportunity. Distracted in hoping for her to turn around, I didn't even pay attention to him. All I responded was, "yeah okay, whatever you wish," while she walked into the school with her head laying low.

My last resort to catch a look of her was if she bobbed her way through the small glass pane attached to the door. Hoping she was at least tall enough for that, I eagerly scanned it. When the taller girls appeared, and then the boys followed, I grew annoyed at myself for wanting to see her so badly in the first place.

At the lab, we were divided into groups of four per station. Navya, Aryamann, and I had already settled at one, reading the experiment brief. The objective was to prove that a metal, when in contact with an acid, would produce gas and water. In front of us were chips of copper in a petri dish and a beaker filled with sulphuric acid.

Since we were lacking one member, an outlier from the group of 'cool dudes' – Madhyam but otherwise popularly known as Maddy – joined us, thumping Aryamann on the back as if they were best buddies. I have never before seen them even look each other in the eye. Nestled within his practical record were two notebooks crammed together, one boldly labeled MATHS in black marker along the edges. It seemed like he intended to use the lab period to cram his Math homework from the weekend.

I pretended to not see it. "So here's the plan. We have four tasks, we are four of us. Which one would you like to pick and do?" I posed to the new member of the group, who slinked in, shoved his hands in his pockets, slouched on one leg and exuded an air of indifference. He was one of those boys who exclusively spoke in crass Hindi and found communicating in English in an English medium school beneath him. I sighed. "Did you get to read the brief?"

He shrugged and lunged forward to snatch the paper from my hands. Navya grimaced at the creature, then suggested she would check whether the resultant gas was an oxidizing or reducing agent. I nodded, grateful for her quick thinking, which made my decision a tad bit easier.

"I can conduct the litmus test," Aryamann chimed.

That meant the 'macho' boy only had to choose between noting physical properties and conducting the potassium dichromate test.

"Which do you want to do?" I pressed once more.

"Mereko samajh nahi aaya kuch." He uttered shamelessly.

"Huh?"

Maddy looked at me like I was an alien, and took a bold step forward in an attempt to intimidate, wiggling his hand to neglectfully gesture what his words sharply conveyed, "Me. Understand. No. Tu samajh gayi na, tu khud karle."

My eyebrows inched towards one another in disbelief. On any other instance, I would have elaborately gone off at him for his carelessness, and made sure whether he liked it or not, he pulled his weight in whatever task was assigned to him within the group.

What the lousy teammate was saying in Hindi, I could not fully grasp. All I registered were the belittling phrases, as he refused to form a cohesive English sentence, fully knowing it was the only language I could properly speak. That along with the tone in which he spoke to me... as if I was so undeserving of his respect... pricked the fresh wound from Friday.

Taking my silence as a sign of weakness, he tossed the experiment brief and watched it flutter in the air. Navya caught it promptly, glowering at him for being so irresponsible.

"Duffer kahika! Don't mind him, he's a loser!" She innocently cursed, and pulled me back to our station while the boy rolled his eyes and went to another nook in the same column to copy down his sums.

Aryamann appeared too dumbstruck to say anything.

It was fine, it was only a matter of dropping orange powder into the test tube; I could do that alongside my other task, no big deal; I mechanically jotted down the objective of the experiment but every now and then, while my pen glided across the page forming uniformly sized characters in its wake, a drop or two of my tears would soak the page.

That feeling of being so emotionally incompetent sucked!

I had been completely capable of standing my ground and not backing down from conflicts in the past. Especially when people were unkind, like he was to me, calling them out was like second nature. I don't know if it was the protective elder sister, or the sheltered, obedient daughter in the family that could not tolerate ugly demeanour, that took credit for that, but it was the one quality about me I actually took pride in. The one thing about me that actually made me me.

And I couldn't even do that today.

Noting down the procedure steps as Navya dropped the copper flakes in a beaker, I swiped off the large globules that were smearing my pen ink over the page. She studied me for a moment, and then noticing a newly forming tear, she rushed to my side. Cupping my shoulders in her palms, she gently whispered, "Nandu... why are you crying?"

I sniffled but shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. It really was nothing. I wasn't crying about some teammate that was making my life a little harder, I wasn't that petty – that sensitive.

Aryamann stilled at the sight, unsure of what he could do to comfort me, but felt somewhat put on the spot for not saying anything sooner. "Hey, I'm sure he didn't mean it in a rude way. He probably was just having a bad day."

Right. Everyone who had a bad day, or a rough time in their lives, found only me to dump their problems on. And I had to always be so understanding of them, as if I didn't have a life of my own... problems of my own to worry about. What about me, or my feelings? Who would I go tell them to?

Even the one boy whose validation mattered the most did nothing about it.

"I get it," I said to nobody in particular, and moved towards the rubber stopper which was connected to two glass tubes. My hand reached the sulphuric acid, before he grabbed it and tilted to look at me.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Of course," Softly smiling, I stood to plug the beaker as soon as the acid drenched those copper flakes. Following that, heating the beaker would release dense white fumes out of one of those pipes, which we could capture into a test tube and make observations on.

The teacher made her usual rounds, sometimes scolding certain groups for talking too much, being in their own world and some for not even making a headstart on the experiment. During those times, the lazy teammate scooted to our station and pretend to show interest, asking questions like: why are we heating the beaker? Had he read the brief thoroughly, he would have known!

Being the sweet guy Aryamann was, he still explained in detail what the procedure was about while Navya and I remained busy in the practical.

Our teacher paused at our station, scanning a book on the edge of the table. "Whose record is this?"

That handwriting most definitely looked like mine. Gulping, I lifted my hand, only to be met with a sweet smile. "Nandini, this is excellent work! Class, I want you all to stop everything you are doing and pay attention to me." My lab record was then held in the air, above her head. I wanted to bury my head underground and hide there.

"Have a look at this record. Incredibly well organized – see: objective, procedure in the form of bullet points, she's even drawn a neatly-labelled diagram on the left," She admired it by her side as she showcased it to the class. Upon flipping the page, she appeared shell-shocked. "And a structured table for all inferences."

Navya clutched me from the side, wiggling me with pride. Feeling warm in the middle of my chest, I fiddled with my fingers on the bench. " Above all, not a single scratch mark. Every sentence has been properly structured and thought out even before it met the page. This..." She said, and looked at me with a beam, "This is how a 10th standard student's lab record must look like. Very impressive, Nandini."

"Thank you, Ma'am."

Our team completed the rest of the experiment ten minutes before the bell and as a result, the entire class badgered me for my lab record so that they could copy word-to-word what I had written and hence receive such appreciation for presentation as well. Navya lapped all that footage up, taking credit for being my best friend, and arranged a token-based system for my notes to go in circles between our classmates.

Maddy scoffed at the compliments, having blown his chance at being met with a favour of that sort from me.

"Good job, I'm so happy for you." Aryamann said genuinely with a small lingering smile. Before I could reciprocate, our other teammate Maddy went, "Haan haan, kyoon nahi hoga? Aakhir usse paagalon ke tarah –"

Aryamann sprung across the room and palmed his mouth firmly, laughing it off as if he had cracked a joke. If so, why was Navya somewhat taken aback? And why were Aryamann's ears and neck reddening? "Kuch bhi bolta hai tu!" He said back, thumping the dude clearly in an attempt to silence him.

The guy threatened to open his mouth once more but Aryamann urged, "Didn't you hear Ma'am earlier? Pre-boards are starting soon, let's fully focus on that." Leaning in, he added, "You just want your lab record written, hai na? I'll complete it, chal."

"Abey oh! Itna pighal mat! Issliye terese koi baat nahi karta, sakhti chahiye bhai... sakht bann! Yeh ladkiyaan toh aati jaati rahegi..."

Repulsed by the unwanted teammate, Navya scoffed, "Disgusting," followed by a bell that marked the end of the period.

⭒⭒⭒

Manik

I sifted through the buses parked in the bay, marching across each one, scanning the number I had studied earlier from the school records.

4C. 5D. 6C.

Slamming the side door of 6C, I swung into the chaotic vehicle where kids were seated in the front, making paper planes from their rough notebooks. Upon my formidable appearance, as the principal's son, they froze in their seats and maintained an uncanny silence until I passed them. Then they were back to their usual selves.

The last three rows were filled with girls in the seats, and the boys who had sacrificed theirs were standing, hanging on the bars above for support and balance as they chatted away. My bag that casually hung on a shoulder was adjusted, as I loosened my tie and approached the group.

Presenting the most cold, indifferent look I could pull off, I politely asked, "Yahan Maddy kaun hai?"

Boys and girls alike turned, and as they shuffled, a dude at least a handspan shorter than me emerged from the group.

"Manik Malhotra?" He nearly gasped in horror, but the actually terrifying moment was what followed as I grabbed him by his unkempt collar and sent a fierce fist across his jaw.

The teenage girls palmed their mouths and hiccuped. Little kids in the front were shielded by the seniors who had made way for me, and the sound of our battle drowned under their noise.

I was held back by two of Maddy's friends, who watched in terror as he adjusted his jaw with his fingers and made sure it was not dislocated. Blood had not begun oozing. "Bhai, kar kya raha hai? Pagal hai kya?" One of his friends aggressively questioned.

Without responding, I flung off their hold and charged at him once again, causing him to slump against some girls he tried to show off in front of. It was indeed embarrassing. He got back on his feet, grumbling "Manik!", not for once caring that I was his senior by two years.

Neither did I think of him as my junior. How dare he hurt Nandini?

If it wasn't for Navya coming to me at lunch break to complain about Nandini's spiralling sadness, and her accidental mention of the Chemistry lab incident, I was certain I would not have even known about it.

Maddy took the plunge and seized my blazer, resisting another blow just as I fisted his shirt buttons and hauled him backwards. Ripping two in the process.

"Samjhaaya nahi kya tere gharwaalon ne," I growled and pushed my blazer sleeves upwards, "ki ladki se kaise baat kiya jaata hai?!" Sucking a breath between my lips, with renewed irritation, I flung a forearm under his chin. "Samjhaaya ki nahi?"

He came back, sending a few strong blows in my direction: one on my bicep and one against a jaw just like I did. We were in a tough spot, grasping each other at arm's length in the crammed space as both of us administered an equal number of hits on the other.

"What the hell is wrong with you, dude?!" Maddy could not seem to believe his eyes.

Finding some strength in the fact that Maddy raised his voice already, another one of his boys asked in sheer disbelief, "Ek ladki ke liye humse pange le raha hai?"

I yanked the other guy in an intimidating manner. "Koi anjaan ladki nahi hai woh! That's my best friend's sister, goddamnit!" Slamming him back, I ran my fingers through my hair, unable to even stand the fact that someone managed to hurt her feelings – or seized control over her – when she was already in quite a vulnerable situation because of me. In fact, that was why it felt like my responsibility to jump it and set those guys – nahi, assholes – straight.

The only person I could take that frustration out on was Maddy. "Aur teri wajah se woh aaj ro rahi thi!" As I grabbed his shoulders and squeezed those blades, I sharply muttered, "If you mess with her, you have to fucking deal with me!" He fought and glowered back.

"Best friend's sister, ya koi aur rishta hai tera uske saath?" He nearly smirked, seeing the nerve on my forehead tense up. I instantly let go, revolted by his mere presence. It seemed to give him some level of satisfaction, knowing that he had struck a chord. He played on it as he tugged his shirt at his chest and pulled it, peeling it off his skin and once again letting it hang over his body. "Kyoon, Nandini ka hero banna chahta hai, kya?" 

⭒⭒⭒

"Are you done running away from me?" I ruffled my hair, fixed up my blazer and shirt and pulled up my bag strap off as I slumped down on the seat behind her.

Nandini made sure to not turn fully back, but she talked to me through the side of her shoulder. "What do you mean?"

"WhAt dO I meAn?!" I dramatically gasped and then enacted a version of her peeking over herself in the school grounds on the way home, freaking out and scurrying between people like a tiny rat towards the school bus we were supposed to board. Ashamed at being called out in such a manner, she covered her face with a palm, while I cocked my head to one side. "What was that?" I smirked.

"That I... um... I just didn't want to talk to you."

I threw my arms on the bar behind her seat, locking each other at the elbows. "But why? I thought we cleared everything out, explained both our sides. See, even now I'm being so nice to you," I gestured to myself with my hand, "but you're being mean."

She huffed, and crossed her arms, hugging her schoolbag. "Telling someone 'I don't want something' is not rude." It was an exact retelling of the words I used on her in my guest bathroom on the Diwali party night. Exact tone, exact words.

Pressing my lips together, I analysed how sharp that comment was if it had been etched in such a manner in her memory.

"Right. So you're turning my word on me. Theek hai." I took it as a challenge, finding a little comfort in the fact that despite her irritation, she was at least still talking to me. A stainless steel container appeared in her lap, and upon opening it, a paper-wrapped item slipped into her palm. She peeled the backing downwards, unravelling a roll. It smelled like vanilla, caramel and browned butter.

I inched forward in my seat, leaning. "What is that?"

"A chapati roll."

"What's inside the roll?"

"Ghee and sugar," she muttered before taking a bite.

The combination made my stomach grumble, as if protesting to be fed with it. I cleared my throat to mask the sound. "Sounds super unhealthy. I mean, roti... that is nothing but carbs, and the smell of ghee itself is so revolting, I don't know how people have it... upar se sugar... that's nothing but a recipe for cancer." She rolled her eyes and distastefully stuffed it back in her box. I hid my smile conveniently before posing an innocent question, "Is this your lunch?"

"My evening snack, but thanks to you, I no longer want to have it." She snapped and put a metal lid over her tiffin box. "What did you have for lunch?" Her curiosity was met with silence. Turning around, she repeated the question and my shrug seemed to bother her. She crossed her eyebrows. "You didn't have lunch?"

I faked a chuckle. "Listen, don't be so shocked. Even you fast on some days." I stated as a mere fact. Never had I once questioned it when she fasted for whatever religious reasons she quoted. It was hard to believe that an entity like God would demand his devotees to starve themselves for a full day just to appease him, but I had never questioned the science behind it.

"But you play sports, and – do you at least have breakfast?"

"A glass of milk if I wake up early enough." Which frankly was one out of seven days.

She palmed her mouth, fully swivelling towards me with the box laying low in her skirted lap. "That... that must be exhausting you!" It was no big deal. I wanted to tell her that the human body has a miraculous way of adapting to lifestyle habits. Only the first few days of such a routine upset my body, and then considering it was the norm, it found a way to work with the limited amount of resources it got.

The kind heart in her eyed her tiffin and gently nudged it over her seat, directly at eye-level.

I tipped my chin up from the arm rest I had made out of her seat rearbar, and slouched back, aware that I was strongly resisting the urge only for my ego's sake.

"I don't want. I can also put my foot down, okay?"

Nandini's corners of her lips twisted upwards. "Tch. You are allowed to stand your ground for other scenarios, not for food."

"No, Nandini," I said smilingly.

"Yes, Manik!" She echoed, properly grinning. Retreating the box, she decided it was best to pluck out the roll and hand it over. It came towards me, at fingers reach, "Here... oh wait," Sharply, she took it back.

Eyeing that Navya was somehow not in the bus that day, and that excluding us, nobody past 7th grade was on the bus either, I squeezed my way into the vacant spot beside her. The sudden yet smooth move startled her as she hiccuped. That was when I noticed forming a claw with her right hand, she approached the roll to pinch it.

I grabbed the hand dangling in the air. "Tch, what are you doing?"

"I... I bit this part so –"

"So?" My eyebrows twitched at her and as she resignedly thought about what I had meant, I whispered with a tiny lopsided grin, "Sharing a bite should be the least of your worries, when we've done much more." Using her hand itself, I brought it the roll closer to my mouth and took a chomp out of the same spot where her teeth had creased the roti. Her gaze twinkled as she watched me scavenge the rest of it from her hold. "Stop being... hyperconscious of these things... especially around me," I said amidst bites, cleaning the corners of my mouth and licking my fingertips until they were spick and span.

Such a simple recipe had tasted divine, I had no clue it could.

Overpowered by an urge to pull her in for a hug, my free arm went around her and relaxed on the bar behind her head. Slowly and steadily, despite the potential of being watched by some kids, I dropped my hand to the curve of her shoulder. Nandini's neck twisted to observe it, while I brushed the pad of my thumb over the thinly clothed joint, quickly engaging by pulling her into me.

Confused, she eyed me and then the others in front of us but the shade of red that covered her face was so obvious.

"Add this to that list too." I flashed my teeth sheepishly, "But I can understand if this one feels new to you. I've never been this close to you in a public setting." I mumbled, drawing circles on her bony shoulder with the hand that went around her. Amidst it all, I was very aware of one thought – in those last seventy two hours of not returning my calls, my failed attempts to reach her and catch a glimpse of her, I had missed her so much.

Then, her head bravely touched my pec, and she comfortably snuggled in, causing my heart to skip a beat. From beneath me, her beautiful eyes locked in mine, conveying a message similar to mine. Except she was also uncontrollably smiling, like she couldn't help herself in my presence.

"Why is your uniform so dirty?" She ambled, breaking me out of an intense trance that I had not realised I was in.

I swallowed hard, quickly blinking as I looked right ahead. "I was teaching someone a lesson," I said, recollecting the callous manner in which Madhyam had challenged me about my feelings for Nandini. If he had suspected, it was only a matter of hours – if not days – before the news spread to Abhimanyu.

What would he do to me if he found out? He would literally skin me alive.

What would Abhi do if he found out about me and her? Just the thought swept a wave of dread over me. He would literally skin me alive. My friendship with him was one of the most effortless bonds I had managed to craft over the years. It became the pillar of strength surrounding which my other friendships, including the ones with Fab 5, were rooted. He meant everything; losing it all over such a conflict of interest was unfathomable.

Then again, it would be extremely unfair for Abhi to get to know about it through someone else. If at all he had to find out, I wanted to be the one to tell him. His sister could not openly tell him out of a familial, obligatory boundary, one that friendship transcended. However, if he learned of the things I thought about when it came to his sister... that was one surefire way to lose a lifelong friendship forever.

"And did they understand it?" Huh? "The lesson."

No, I had to put my friendship before myself. I would have to tell him myself, regardless of what that could cost me... cost us. All of us.

"I sure hope so." I said to myself, and then shrugged the ugly anxiety-provoking thought for later as I softly looked down on her and stroked her cheek with the same hand that enclosed her. "Speaking of untardy uniforms, why were you singled out today?"

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I missed Nandini's diary entries so so much <3