My exams (you can also lovingly call them nightmares :D ) finished on Tuesday, so I'm back with a long AF part to compensate <3

Will be regularly updating from now on, sorry for the delay :(

I hope you enjoy it! <3

Please keep your love coming :")

⭒

Cabir

Rose twirled her hair as she slowly moved down the stage and leaned over to the centre of the platform. "Was it just me or did you guys catch the drift with Khurana and Manik's mother?"

"Where has Manik gone?" came Alex's tired voice as he took my stool and tapped my drumsticks together.

To deal with his demons in silence. Silence: that was his impulsive solution to everything and anything.

For two complete days after my secret came out in the open, Fab 5 did not speak to one another. I wasn't sure if the others within the group did, but I did not see or hear of anyone. A sleepless night filled with tears was all I remembered of that time. The next morning, or closer to noon rather – on the third day of Navrathri – was when I got a text message on the group chat.

Alia: *I can't do this anymore, guys. Emergency meeting @ mine.*

We assembled shortly after in Alia's bedroom. Mukti had her hands on her hips.

"Accha hua Alia ne sabko yahan bula liya. I've been thinking about it myself... Look guys, for all of us it's always been our friends before anyone else. And Cabir needs us the most right now. So let's just talk it out openly, okay?"

Alia nodded, "It's hard enough that I'm constantly churned between my friends and my brother, I could do with some quality group time."

"We'll come to that too, but let everyone open up. Jo bhi mann mein hai, bol do abhi ke abhi. Khatam karlo yeh sab cold war and all!" She waved her hands like they were swords, clashing with one another and falling as a result. "Cabir, do you want to go first?"

Manik shook his head, lost in some thoughts. "I think Abhimanyu should be here too. He deserves to know."

Bill urged, "I think he deserves a thank-you, we're performing at you guys' school only because of..."

"His mother's doing. It's all her, not Manik," I advocated in his absence. Something I thought I would never do again. Triggered by the kindness of my actions, I redefined the sympathy I felt for him and replaced it with brutal indifference. "You probably should not get your hopes up though, he could back out at any point; nobody messes with his ego, not even his mother."

Abhimanyu had said he was going to be away praying for the whole Navrathri period, and refused to participate in any group activities for that time frame. "Buddy, we can't choose that... it's Cabir's decision," Dhruv rebutted, gesturing me to go ahead and say what I had on my mind.

Mukti clapped for attention. "Shh... everyone shut up, only Cabir speaks. No interruptions. Go Cabir."

I deeply inhaled and made eye contact with one member of the group. Dhruv – he appeared the most approachable of the bunch. "Frankly, I was really afraid. Tum sab straight ho yaar, tum loug samjhoge nahi how difficult it is to grow up without that... that kind of representation around me. Kitna mushkil hai yeh feelings ko samajhna... aur uske baad noticing someone who ticks all those boxes, only to freak them out about my sexuality, it was extremely hurtful for me. Time and again." My voice cracked as I spoke and it was getting difficult for me to keep my emotions at bay while revealing such an important aspect of myself, my identity that I never shared with anyone else. Not even out loud to myself.

Glancing at the others, it was evident that none of their minds had changed, but Alia was becoming the slightest sympathetic. I clung onto that hope and uttered as if just to her, "But what I feel for Raghav Sir is not something new. I felt it from as early as the fifth standard. When I started teasing you about Raghav Sir developing favouritism for her in the seventh standard, I realised it was actually me yearning for that kind of attention from him. And as I got older those urges grew as well, and that crush developed into something else." When my lips stopped moving, Alia was in unexpected tears.

Perhaps that was something she could most relate to. A one-sided crush where she yearned for that kind of attention and focus from Manik. If only he could reciprocate, and free her from the burden of feelings she nearly had no control over... in hindsight, had that happened, Nandini and Manik would have never happened. 

It felt almost cruel to continue the chat with Alia considering the fragile state she was in. I diverted my attention to Mukti, who put a comforting arm around her crying friend, attempting to soothe the volatile girl. "Then his class became the most difficult to concentrate in. That's when I knew I needed to talk to someone about it."

Manik patiently stood in his spot, his arms crossed. A mere surprise it was, to see him so composed and calm. I had expected the most violent and impulsive reactions from him.

"I swear, I didn't plan on telling him any of this –" I confessed, pinching the skin on my throat, "– in fact, I didn't want to tell anyone that I liked him – but I thought if there was anyone who could understand, it would be someone I could look up to, and see a role-model in."

"After two sessions of talking to him, and actually experiencing his complete dedication and focus on me, I blurted it all. And he said he appreciated my honesty and acknowledged how I felt for him, but that's where the line must be drawn." That reaction was a very mature one on Raghav's part, at least at that stage when he put morality at the forefront and outright rejected me.

If only I had known how fate would change its course and how endearing the man would turn out to be as soon as I turned of age, I would not have wasted so many tears on him.       

Dhruv rubbed his chin, "How did Harshad... get to know then... about this?"

"He must have spied on Cabir." Mukti responded as a matter of fact, as if she knew exactly what her boyfriend was up to.  

I cleared my throat, "About Abhimanyu, I'll tell him myself. I don't want to repeat what happened." 

Alia sniffed and put up a small smile. "Who wants to go next?"

"I was extremely upset that we weren't the first to know, but given that I've continually hurt the entire group by dating Harshad, I'm not one to say anything. When it comes to feelings, sometimes we have to be selfish." Mukti's words were highly reassuring, bringing a soft smile to my face.

Dhruv patted my back. "And don't think... that you're all alone... in this... hum sab tumhare saath hai..."

Mukti eyed her brother, the odd man from the group who was still maintaining his distance from me.

"Manik, tune ab tak kuch kaha nahi..."

"I have... nothing to say."

"Manik, knowing you, it's more dangerous when you keep it to yourself so just say it,"

"Say what, hmm? Do you think he really wants a repeat telecast of how broken we all are? How does it matter gay ho ya straight, none of us have a good example, or like you say 'representation' of what a healthy relationship looks like; it's not stopping us from talking about it, is it?" He charged, quite furious at the whole speech that hardly seemed to create an impact on him. "At the end of the day, it's still feelings!" Throwing his hands in the air, he proclaimed.

My face went red in defense. "It's completely different for straight people! Does any girl fucking look at you differently when you ask her out?" Manik's silence made me more uncomfortable because all it did was affirm the unfair truth that discriminated against my kind. "No na? Hai na? This society is so fucked up for us!"

Manik refused, gently prompting, "That's because you chose the wrong guy."

"Who the fuck are you to judge that?" I yelled, exploding into crying fits, and was held back by Dhruv, who had my best interests at heart.

Mukti sought her brother as if remembering a conversation that took place between them several light years ago. As she dejectedly fixated at the ground, she said, "Because if you had chosen the right person, they would not think twice before standing by your side when things are tough."

"Take a moment and look around you... this... we are everything for each other." Manik waved at all of us, regrouping us together. "And you were afraid of telling us?"

I sniffed, feeling a lot lighter than I did when the conversation started. "I'm... I'm sorry you guys."

Alia asked, "Group hug?" All five of us clung to each other, shedding a few tears collectively.

"I really need a ciggy," I confessed.

Manik patted me on the back, his smile not reaching his eyes. "Chal, let's go get some tapri wali chai from the main market!"

Mukti snapped her fingers at her brother. "I'm driving there though, you promised me last time that you'd let me drive!" 

"All I ask is for you to not get ticketed."

"Manik? Seriously, you're trusting her with your bike?!" I gaped in horror, and chuckled as she playfully slapped me.

"Jab main eighteen ki ho jaaungi aur license mil jaayegi na, tab dekhna! You losers will be right here and will regret underestimating me, mark my words." She jokingly cursed and made a face while pointing between Manik and I. Manik made a big 'O' with his lips, and dropped his bike keys in her hand.  

Mukti and Manik led the way to the row of street shops under a dense shady tree; Dhruv and Alia followed on another bike beside mine. We sat on a ledge by the shop, taking turns and smoking the same cigarette. Alia leaned on Manik's bike while Manik's attention diverted towards a vendor and off he escaped, appearing beyond eager to purchase spiced corn for all of us.

Surely he couldn't have been that thrilled about corn?!

Purely curious about what it was that enthused my friend, I scanned that direction and found a sweet girl hugging a pink Tupperware bottle while eyeing some earrings in a neighbouring stall before she disappeared around a corner.

Pamela patted my shoulders. "Cabir, should we start packing up?"

It jolted me back to reality. A reality in which Manik's silence and subsequent actions spoke volumes.

Unlike my hazed memory that oddly recollected a Manik who preached about our importance in each other's lives, yet gallivanted to Nandini at the first sight of her in an unhinged carefree manner.

That could not have been a figment of my imagination.

She really had impacted him in a beautiful way.

Did he perhaps truly like her after all?

How did it matter, he left her even after all of that... he could neither honour her love for him nor our group's friendship. Not a care in the world for anyone else around him.

I shrugged, "What's the point? We're going to need the Jeep to load everything in anyways. Let's just relax, Manik will take his own time." Nonchalantly, I stretched my legs onto a chair at my feet.

"What? But the studio closes in an hour!"

"That's too bad for them because Manik Malhotra is incapable of thinking about the needs of others." I blurted, pointing to some vacant chairs around me.

Let the selfishness manifest itself.

⭒⭒⭒

11 October 2010

I was alerted by a loud car honk and the driver yelling something in Hindi to me. Fiddling with the hem of my white T-shirt, I confusedly comprehended that I was walking on the road instead of the pavement specifically meant for pedestrians.

There was almost a negligible chance that Manik would turn up to the badminton court at 10:45 AM, I knew that when I left home – it was commendable enough that he even made it to school every morning considering how late he said he sleeps. Aiyappa, who in their right mind sleeps at 4 AM and wakes up at 7 AM for school? That must be so unhealthy!

Anyways I didn't have that to worry about today because after how he was seething when he left the market yesterday, I highly doubted he would want to meet me at all. 

Regardless, there was no way I would know for sure until I went there and saw for myself.

Nervously adjusting my racket bag across my shoulders, I prodded further along the curbed walkway around a corner and onto the main street leading up to the playground, reaching a familiar green diamond fence. The boundary of their basketball court.

A fleeting glance affirmed that he wasn't there.

My shoulders drooped at his absence and my fingers clawed into the gaps of the fence. Feeling utterly foolish for even considering that he would come all the way here in the morning, I sighed.

Even if he wasn't there, the area knew his warmth. That undeniable fact brought me some weird sense of comfort and almost instantly, I had made up my mind to linger along. Just for a little while.

Dragging my way along the fence, I headed towards the entrance of the court. I was so lost in a world of my own – and in thinking about Manik – that I had completely overlooked a similar gate many yards away, where a boy shaded by a huge tree glowered at me while leaning on it with a foot supporting him.

Until I heard a sudden violent stomp on some sparse grass and frightened, I sought him.

He had actually come. Just for me.

With a drugging sense of happiness, I eagerly skipped in his direction to get to him as quickly as possible. All my other worries flew out from behind me; nothing else mattered. He was there. Manik was there.

Even though he made sure to roll his eyes while I tried making eye contact, I was certain when my attention was elsewhere, his was completely on me. Don't ask me how I know that, Babbu! Girls just have intuitions about these things.

There were tons of questions on my mind regarding him: when did he wake up to make it in time here? What time did he go to sleep? Did he even know catching less than seven hours of sleep on a prolonged basis could hinder the body's detoxification process? Come on Nandini, the last thing in the world he would want is a Biology lecture on risks associated with sleep deprivation! 

How long was he waiting there, because had he arrived any time after I had, I would have heard him, wouldn't I?

As if realising that encountering me would mean answering those, he shook his head to himself and began walking away from me.

I gaped exaggeratedly to get his attention. If I needed to catch up to speed with him, I needed to walk even faster or rather sprint! In doing so, I nearly tripped over some stupid vines.

Aiyappa, why did they have to be right there in my way? 

He paused in his steps as he boredly gazed at my scampering figure, but he had subconsciously covered some distance in my direction and finally had his arms instinctively stretched out in case I fell flat on my face! Was there a single moment around him when I wasn't clumsy, Aiyappa?!

His longing action only lasted a moment, and then the vast space between us and his suspended arms whacked some sense into him. Those arms dropped to his side and he continued pacing away. "Manik, wait..." I shouted before finally falling into step with him.

I rightfully claimed his arm, spinning him around. "I said na, wait..." The anxious part of me that devotedly sought his forgiveness went ice cold when he sharply eyed his arm, my grip on it and then me. Definitely wondering where in the world I had the audacity to question him.

My flight response kicked in, and involuntarily, I tensed up anticipating a blowup; yet that hand... that treacherous hand that clutched him... did not cave to his temper. Some other sense in me operated as I loosened my grip and let my hand slowly trail down and slip into his fingers.

"You waited for me all this while and now that I'm here, you're leaving..." I nearly whined at the last bit, quite aware that Manik's fingers were not wrapping around mine.

Where was that side of me even coming from?

"Who said I was waiting for you?" He said roughly while tugging me firmly. I knocked into his chest, and with a panting breath, my eyes met his drowsily. Another palm of mine flew flat on his chest, feeling his heart, which too pounded recklessly. Was that the effect I had on him? I?

His thumb tenderly traced circles behind my palm, those actions a complete 360 to his tone and the icy words he uttered. That was the same side of him that last came out when he felt the most vulnerable when he... I don't want to even think about those rough days, Babbu, but I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.

It brought an involuntary smile to my face and I softly gazed at him while he stared at our hold.

A fresh bandage gripped onto his skin at the spot where Harshad had hurt him, and thankfully the swelling in the surrounding area had gone down. 

"You really took your own sweet time..." He grumbled, and let go of my hand, tucking some hair behind my ears.

I gawked at the accusation, wanting to retort that I had nearly no hope that he would turn up but that would have been a bad move. "How long were you waiting for?" I gently asked, stroking his bandage and meeting his hesitance at my gesture.

He clasped my wrist, pulling me closer until my arm nearly went around his waist and I felt his on my lower back. "It doesn't matter, you're here now,"

Giggling, I said, "Why does that dialogue sound so oddly familiar?" His lips softly curved as I teased, and then as his gaze fell on me, it softened. 

Guilt emerged from almost nowhere. My apology had slipped out of my tongue before I could realise. "I'm sorry for whatever I said yesterday," came my meek voice, "I don't know which part of it made you angry, but if you tell me, I promise I won't ever..."

He cut me off when he said, "I know..."

"What?"

"Yesterday when I saw you, I wanted to tell you that I tried talking things out with Cabir. I... spoke out how I felt with him, and it didn't make me feel better at all. In fact, I feel worse now." He sulked as he unravelled a little gap between us, and I let every bit of information he was revealing sink into my brain... hoping that it would help me better understand the kind of person he was.

Being vocal was always one of those tough things for him to do, I understood that quite early. I had naturally assumed a lot of it perhaps came from his family and the way they treated him, but I could not forget Mukti too was a part of the same family. Which only snowballed those questions I had about him even further, because why was it that when he was with me, he felt safe enough to talk about those things that deeply bothered him? 

Why me?

I noticed his silence, and put a comforting hand on his bicep, gently squeezing in reassurance. "I blatantly disapproved of his feelings for Raghav, and it turned ugly." He confessed, his shoulders falling to the sides. "I don't understand his side... it's just... no, it's wrong. It can't be justified at all."

"Because he's a minor?"

"That, yes, but also... Raghav is a fucking teacher!" Manik snarled, unable to keep his temper under a leash. "What was fuck was he thinking confessing..."

"But they're not together," I assured, attempting to calm him down a notch. "It was an unrequited crush. That's all."

He heavily breathed out his agitation, and then eyed me as his respiration returned to normalcy after which he said, "Besides the whole ordeal of trying to get myself to speak my mind with him... it didn't feel like me, I was oddly detached from everything and every one until you came into the market... and then suddenly, my whole mood lifted."

Although his face momentarily gleamed, behind it was a hollow shadow that stole the shimmer just as quickly as it emerged. He rubbed the hand that touched him. "I didn't like that either, it made me really angry." At myself, he wanted to add but those unspoken words made their way to my heart. 

In a split second, his parting words from yesterday flashed across my mind. Manik Malhotra does not change his ways for anyone, that was what he had said.

I shook my head and softly brushed a stubbled cheek. "You never have to change yourself for anyone, Manik, and least of all me." I shyly studied him before his forehead gently touched mine and our eyes closed against each other.

"But you expected me to be here when you came this morning..." Mentally slapping myself for having done exactly that, I tried to rephrase it in my head as me holding onto hope – a hope to see him – instead of an expectation for him to mend his ways. 

"No..." I said reluctantly as we separated, "...not at all." With a dry chuckle, I added after a moment's thought, "I just... didn't want to miss the chance in case you did come."

"You're terrible at lying." He scoffed, mirroring my gesture from some minutes earlier when I brushed his jaw thoughtfully. In such close proximity, the dark circles under his eyes had a pronounced effect. It was worrisome. 

His lingering touch drew a line towards my lips, feathering over the sensitive lump as I winced. "That's one more thing I like about you." It somehow registered that we were in public and even though we were currently alone in each other's company, there was no way to know in which neighbour's line of sight we could be. 

Desperate to navigate the conversation to more clear and subdued waters, I called, "Manik..."

"Hmm..." His voice sounded tired.

With a heart filled with deep concern, I urged, "Go home and get some sleep."

He pressed his sore temples while vexed. "No... I'm... I'm okay, I just need to warm up..."

As he rotated his neck, a few of his joints cracked and I gasped at the uncomfortable sound. It completely took Manik by surprise and in order to get more reactions out of me, he cracked his finger joints one at a time. "Manik, no stop!" He smirked as he continued the remaining ones, and I firmly shut my ears. "Ah, I hate that sound!" 

"Hate? Really, don't you think that's a bit of a strong word?" He sniggered as he locked his hands and stretched them out in front of me, resounding another jolt down my spine at the uneasy noise.

"MANIK!"

As if that was his breaking point, the laughter subsided and he stood for several moments merely blinking at me, and then striding towards me. His warm fingers tenderly wrapped around my elbows, and he pried my arms apart. 

"Acchha baba, I was just playing around with you!"

"Let's not play anything."

"What? Why?" He rectified the sharpness in his tone, and rephrased, "Don't tell me you have a grudge on me now because of this..."

"Go get sleep Manik." He rotated his neck irritably while clicking his lips. "Just go. We can play another day, at a time that suits you. Nandini promise." I smiled, and Manik's head stopped rotating as he looked at me and then at his phone screen and then hesitantly nodded.

⭒⭒⭒

Manik

On the last day of Navrathri in 2010, I was sprawled on my bed humming a tune to myself. For the last few hours, I was trying to come up with a beautiful medley that could pair into one of the lyric blocks Cabir made handy. I straightened the sheet and took another glance of the lyrics.

Pehle kabhi... aisa hota tha nahi,

Tu hi bata, iss dil ka main

As my phone rang, I sprung to the side of my bed where my phone was charging and vibrating on my nightstand. I plucked the cable off and placed the device to my ear. "Haan, bol bhai!"

"Hi..." came a soft feminine whisper.

I sat up straight. "Nandini, hey?" Looking at the caller ID to see if I misread the nickname that flashed, I returned to the call. "I... what's your brother's phone doing with you?"

"I snuck it and came to the terrace."

I grinned, "Accha!" and bit my lower lip playfully. "Very brave huh?"

"It's strange talking to you over the phone."

"Yeah, that's a first, isn't it? Ah, there have been many firsts with you." I muttered thoughtfully, raking a hand through my spikes. "Accha do me a favour na? Can you hum something for me?"

"Hum?"

"Yeah... I'm trying to capture a tune for a piece we've composed."

Nandini tried a few attempts as my voice did its best to blend in with her modifications, after which one clicked on the third iteration itself. She hummed the rest of the chorus while I sang it to the tune, and she hooted for me across the line!

"When did you get me those earrings? I didn't even notice them until today's morning puja arrangements when I kept a set for each of the girls and found them in a brown packet!" She hissed excitedly. "I mean, I know when you got them, but how..."

"See, to notice these things you should refrain from staring into the sky and mentally both calculating your pocket money and savings."

I could picture her rolling her eyes, as a soft chuckle escaped her lips.

"Don't you ever get tired of teasing me?"

"Never. I mean, can you imagine what our conversations will otherwise be like?" I tilted my head from side to side as I enacted dramatically, 'Hi Nandini', 'Hi Manik', 'How are you?', 'Good, and you?' 'Never been better, how's everyone in your family?' I imagined her pressing her lips together as her bangles jingled. "...do you see how bland our relationship would be if you couldn't take any jokes?"

"You're right, it would be as spicy as Chikkamma's okra white sauce pasta."

"Oh, don't even get me started on that atrocity of a dish! I was absolutely appalled, and main kya, even my butler Ramu kaka found it... how do I put this nicely... ah, interesting."

"I'll let her know, then one of Abhi's friends will not be welcome to the Murthy's house ever."

"Tch, your loss, you'll be missing out on some swoon-worthy kisses." There was a moment of silence on the line. "Now now, you are permitted to close your jaws." I heard a sharp bite as if she did end up locking her jaws in place. "I'm just kidding baba, by the way, did you like those jhumkas?"

She sniggered nervously, "Of course, but..."

Instantly snapping, I said, "Are you going to return them like you did the cufflinks?"

Nandini could not think of a better way to dodge that question. "I – you didn't have to buy them for me..." She nagged.

"I guess you don't know the basic rules of a relationship but that's okay. Experience nahi hai na... that's okay. I can teach you. Rule number 1 is for the girl to grant her boyfriend every wish of his. Actually, that's the only rule, and in return, it's the guy's responsibility to keep his girlfriend happy. So... are you happy?"

I felt her smile from the way her breaths danced on the line. "I'm not going to answer that, I know what you'll ask for in return if I do."

"Tch, worth a shot anyways." I smiled, falling back onto my black satin pillow. "Listen, call me more often na?"

"I want to as well, but I..."

"Don't have a phone na? Don't worry about that."

"No, you're not going to spend your money purchasing it for me. If anyone finds it, I'll be in a lot of trouble and..."

"Then find a way to hide it better, Einstein!" I hushed, silencing her racing worries. "Who else am I going to spend my money on, if not you and my sister?"

I thought that was a fair point in my favour, and luckily, Nandini too fell for it. "No smartphones then. Just a simple button phone will do."

"You mean those indestructible bricks that you can throw even from the Eiffel Tower and it would have barely a scratch?" She laughed from her underbelly, the sound echoing through the line as I dreamily sighed and shut my eyes. When it subsided, I murmured, "Ah, your laugh..."

I heard a faint "Nandini..." in the background, and bangles clang as they clutched the mouthpiece.

"Manik, I think Abhi is looking for it, I have to go. Bye Manik." I stretched the device away from my face, and grinned, "Hel – hello?" were her last words before I mindlessly ended the call. 

While driving back to the studio where I had kept my entire band waiting, I desperately tried jogging my memory and catching that tune in those lyrics. After a few tries, I managed to pick up on most of the song, even if not all of it.

As the Jeep zoomed into the car parking, the rest of my crew was nowhere to be found. They had either dispersed and gone to the hotel or were still inside waiting for me. I grabbed my guitar and sprinted in, stumbling into the seated group that had been relaxing until my entry.

The men stood up on impulse.

Catching my breaths, I wheezed, "I have a melody in mind, do you guys want to try it out with me?" 

To say Cabir was impressed would have been an understatement. The man was clean-bowled, and that wide-toothed grin said it all.

⭒

5274 words from just the update content, was it worthwhile? <3

This was such a beautiful chapter for me to write, absolutely loved penning down MaNan moments from both POVs (the build up of getting to write a well-deserved MaNan scene is like an adrenaline rush for me :") )

I especially loved how in the first part of the chapter, through the lens of Cabir, Manik's fear of vulnerability is regarded as sheer carelessness, while Nandini was patient and understanding and was able to read between the lines where Manik was concerned. So much so, that when Manik is with her, he hardly has to try filtering his thoughts <3

What did you guys think about this part? It would be unfair of me to ask if it was worth the wait because as a reader it is the most frustrating thing to wait for updates, I completely understand that. But I do hope this was still worth every minute of your read :")

Do you have any recommendations for scenes you would like to see or character interactions you would like to catch in the story?

Please don't forget to tap the star and share your thoughts with me and your friends if possible <3

Tons of love! <3