Welcome to the few new readers who are onboard, I hope you enjoy reading this journey just as much as I enjoyed writing it :")

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5 October 2010

My head was over a folded arm cradled by the seat in front as I desperately tried to catch some much-needed sleep before a long day at school. The bus came to a halt and children swarmed in, but hearing a thump behind my seat and two knees pushing on the seat from behind made me groggily sit up. "Good morning!" He chirped, overall in a much better mood than the last few weeks, if not days.

Stifling a yawn, I adjusted my backpack on my lap, wary to not annoy my bus partner into encroaching on her space. "Where's your bike?" I asked to the window.

He leaned in, resting his head on my backrest, his head touching mine in a mildly intimate manner. How was he so at ease when being physically close to me, while even the slightest touch of him had me swooning for a few solid minutes?! "I left it at home so I could get an excuse to meet you early." The casually spoken phrase set off a whirlwind of emotions within me.

It had been just over twelve hours since he kissed me, and still reeling from the events that transpired, dreaming of sleep last night had been by itself a completely lost cause. I was beyond glad when Abhimanyu's friends set up a party and he invited me to join along for the cake-cutting celebration at midnight.

Navya was apparently supposed to be there for the midnight surprise, but had received an invite too late into the night and could not formulate a satisfactory excuse to get permission.

Rishu and I were there for about an hour, give or take, taking part in their excitement without hindering their space and group dynamic. I was careful enough to not make any eye contact with Manik, but also I didn't think I had the guts to after the kiss. After a while, we too had resorted to our rooms and I twisted and tumbled in my bed while replaying the encounter in my head over and over until the first rays of sun blessed the sky with twinges of pinks and oranges.

I closed my eyes against his head and effortlessly drifted into a deep sleep, that was beyond shocking for a ten-minute bus ride. It only reflected how knackered I was. If that was the case, how was I going to focus on almost seven hours of class?    

As we disembarked the bus, Manik and I fell into step with each other. His hand softly brushed mine sending shocks down my spine as we walked, and after the first time, I was swift in bringing it against my stomach, crossing my arms to prevent any contact with him. Eyeing him from the corner, I could sense his irritation.

He tugged on the strap of my bag and attempted to yank it out of my grip. I stopped in my tracks to protest when his shoulders flexed and he clicked his lips in dismissal, "Arre give na? What else am I here for?" Using his strength to claim my backpack, he threw it over his other vacant shoulder and walked beside me with a bag on each side.

Brimming with unexplainable joy for a multitude of reasons, I looked at his handsome face... he was beginning to grow a stubble on his pale freckle-free skin, and the mole above his lip danced as he itched the sides of his stippled mustache with his lips, pouting and twisting them cutely. A soft giggle escaped my lips and out of pure instinct, I stroked the mole downwards, soothing the area as his eyes met mine.   

As deeply enchanting as they were, there was not a wink of lethargy in them. "You were up until at least four AM. How are you not tired?" I said, recounting Abhi's narration when I asked him how the party went this morning.

With a simple smile that had merely accepted his fate, he said, "Don't you know? 4 AM is my bedtime."

My eyes widened. How did he function like that? "4 AM used to be my wakeup time in Mangalore."

"What the hell did you do waking up so early?"

I snapped at him, earning a passively polite 'sorry' and then an eye-roll when he thought I wasn't looking. What an evil boy! 

"Ammamma would make us brush, shower, pray to Aiyappa, learn dance before dawn, and..." I heard a meek snore and turning to the source half-enraged me. "Hey!"

"Sorry sorry, it's just that you do more before dawn than I do throughout the day!" He said, thoughtfully chuckling at my laundry list of a routine. Irritated by the second consecutively disrespectful gesture, I crossed my arms back and hurried a few steps forward. It took him less than a second to cover that distance with his long legs, and nudging my shoulder with his elbow, he pacified, "Come on, don't sulk now." Then thinking of a less abrasive topic to talk about, an awestruck Manik mentioned, "Your brother is eighteen today."

"Yeah, he can legally drive..."

"And vote,"

"Yes, and vote..." I said grinning.

His voice suddenly went deeper and words rolled out slower. "And do you know what else he can legally do?"

"What?" Before he could answer, I noticed his lip between his teeth and a tiny smirk on the corner of his mouth. Eighteen, what else could... and the nasty thought struck me without warning. "Manik! Yuck! I don't want to think about my brother in that manner!" I yelped, flapping my hands before my eyes. 

"What? I was going to say he can open a bank account!" His face fell, and the amusement I saw less than a moment ago was no longer there. His eyebrows scrunched up uneasily. "Chee chee chee! What ideas were you getting?" I gaped at him, partly surprised that I misread such an innocent suggestion and partly ashamed of myself for taking things on a different tangent without external prompts. "No I mean, nobody would have thought such an innocent girl like you would have such ideas!"

"Shut up Manik!" Aiyappa, why is this boy pulling my leg so much?

Once we entered the school premises, he and I went our separate ways but not before he gave me an all-knowing look that screamed 'you better remember the promise that you made'. I wasn't planning on going back on my word either, it was what I had been preparing for all night anyway.

It was only during assembly checks that I realised I forgot to pack my blazer for school, and as a result stood in the punishment line for untardiness. While the other students returned to class, I found it embarrassing to run five laps around the ground while the two seniors who got punished for being late gave no hoots about running those laps.

The rest of the day went better than expected. We had a substitute teacher come in for the second period–Raghav Sir's class, and though dejected that my favourite non-science class was not being conducted, I managed to fit in a peaceful thirty-minute nap and energised my low spirits. 

At lunch break, I was on the way to the bathroom to wash my hands when Manik's gang were on the opposite end of the corridor, returning from one of their practical classes. I often wondered how that worked or looked from the inside because our school had science labs that everyone had access to in the Science Wing but the music and dance studios in the Arts Wing were strictly prohibited unless students of that department used their IDs to enter. 

Having suggested something to his friends, he was walking in my direction while the rest were en route to the school canteen.

Beaming on seeing me, the first question he asked was "When's your birthday?"

"2 February. Why?"

"Just. I thought I should know... after last night," He added cheekily, noticing the flush of red on the apples of my cheeks. He leaned in as we walked. "You won't ask me mine?"

"When's yours Manik?"

"31 December." 

My eyes glinted from a sweet revelation. "New Year's Eve! You must have been a blessing for your parents, you and Mukti both! New Year's surprise!" Unable to contain my excitement, I rambled on for a couple more seconds before abruptly stopping myself and staring. His jaw had tightened and his body had turned solid with rage. I clearly overstepped in my childish thrill.

"I... Sorry." I mumbled uneasily, not even certain that my apology sounded genuine anymore. He did not vocally accept it, and said nothing in acknowledgment, which made the knot in my stomach grow.

Cautiously, he turned to me. "Yesterday, when you said tomorrow... you meant today." He stated blankly, searching my eyes for an answer.

"Not now, Manik."

"Then when?"

"School grounds after the last period bell." He nodded and left without another word while I stood rooted in my spot.

And for the first time since the previous night, I felt some foreboding joy inching its way closer to my dazed elation. There was so much I was yet to know about Manik Malhotra, and a part of me suspected that the only way I could was if I pledged a commitment to him of some sort. How could I ever express in words how he ruled my heart, mind, and soul since long before I had even realised, and the unexplainable dread of losing so much of myself to someone as intense and volatile as him?

That afternoon after school, while the entire building made its way out of the premises, I marched down fleets of stairs with my backpack flying behind me, scrambled through the hallways, and made it to the scorching sandy grounds that housed a basketball court and a tennis net on either side of it.

At the basketball court was a tall tardy boy dribbling, shooting then bouncing the ball back to a certain spot on the field and repeating. Hair spiked, tie removed, collar-button undone, uniform untucked and dusty from a mixture of sweat and sand. Under the hoop-post laid his backpack and unravelled blazer, both kissing the ground. Setting my own belongings on our PT teacher's chair, I walked to him.

"Manik..." I called out amidst his dribble back to his designated spot. It flicked him out of his tunneled focus.

"Hey," he raised his head in a jerky motion, regarding me the way he acknowledged his boys. Aiyappa why such torture!

"Were you waiting long?" I asked, careful not to lose myself in admiring his broad shoulders and well-built biceps through his damp nearly-see-through shirt.

"I scored eleven points, so not nearly long enough," he said, and my limited basketball knowledge from observing their games in the neighbourhood was that twenty-one points were what comprised a match.   

He flicked his hair back with a big flat hand and ruffled it in a roguish fashion, clearly unaware of the effects those gestures had on me. "About last night... I–it... so I've not–it was... I never..." Phrasing a sentence had never been remotely that difficult before.

Manik waved up and down with both hands before me. "Relax... calm down, hmm?" I nodded unable to meet his eyes.

"How was it... for you?"

"What, the kiss?" I winced at the question that rolled off his tongue with such cool-headedness. "Did you not catch what I said yesterday? You have no idea how much I'm restraining myself..." I was unaware that I was picking my fingernails until he gathered my hands in his warm ones and gently held them before us, rubbing a thumb on the back of a palm. "...tell me what I'm waiting to hear," he said, lifting his head.

"Manik, all this is very new to me," I confessed and slowly pulled my hands away so I could think clearly without being smitten by his power, or rather the power of his touch, on me. "I don't know how much experience you have had but you surely knew what you were doing yesterday." Those words concealed a blush and Manik patiently listened, tucking a fringe of hair behind my ear.

"I've always been the role model sister, always obeyed my family and put their wishes above my own. It's been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember." It was what my parents had raised me to believe... that girls were the ones that tied families together. I wanted to mention Ammamma's disapproval, and how I could never do anything against her will, and that my conscience would not allow that; then a memory from earlier in the afternoon resurfaced and the same affirmation–that Manik desired a pledge of commitment–erased those lines from my rehearsed script.

I drew my gaze to his, which flickered between an appreciation for being vulnerable and vocal with him and skeptical about the direction I was taking the conversation. Eager to do some damage control and afraid because of prior misunderstandings that had caused unbearable grief, I added, "But I understand your experiences are not the same as mine, your friends are far superior to you than the connection you have with your family."

The assurance did not seem to pacify Manik half as much as I had hoped. He was still waiting for me to say more, I knew I had more to add, but it was getting extremely difficult for me to proceed with what I had planned to talk about. I had not expected to get that emotional about it, but merely the mention of my family delivered a fresh batch of unresolved grief along with it.

How could I explain to him how starkly different our values were and how in theory, to the wisest person on this planet–my Ammamma, even the bleak possibility of a relationship with him seemed nothing less than a disaster come true?

My eyes stung for no reason, and I was struggling to focus on any object clearly. "That's why it scares me," I said shakily, stifling a muted cry.

He closed the gap between us and cupped my face in his hands. "You're afraid?" He was not merely shell-shocked, Manik was utterly shaken by the confession. 

I tried rephrasing my words, to put my deeply rooted ideologies into analogies he too could relate to. "Abhimanyu is your best friend, I've seen how well you two gel along, and I promise on Aiyappa nothing makes me happier than witnessing that bond." I smiled, as the pads of his fingers brushed my cheeks. "I've never done anything behind my family's back, least of all my brother's. He is the only one on this planet so far who thoroughly understands me." Certainly, none of them would be proud of me for engaging in such lewd acts with a boy either.

Manik was slowly beginning to follow and piece the puzzle together. "He doesn't know about us... not yet... but what if... what if he doesn't approve, Manik?" I was unsure if vocalising the fear made it even more real, or if it was the absence of Manik's warmth on my skin that was twisting my gut uncomfortably. "What if there comes a time when any of the three of us would have to choose?" I wailed, aggressively brushing those damned tears away.

He resorted to some moments of silence during which he patiently studied me. His hands clenched beside him while his gaze hardened on mine, and then grudgingly pulled me into his chest, his arms rested on my lower back and arrested a hiccup in my throat. "So what is your final decision?" He asked impassively in a stern command. 

"I... I don't know what to do."

"Let me make this simple for you. If your brother finds out and asks you to break up with me, will you?" His grip loosened on me.

Fearful of him abandoning me again, I blurted in all honestly, "I wouldn't want to,"

"But you will, right? You'll walk out and never turn back."

"I–"

"Because if he asks me to, I will." It felt as if the wind was forcibly knocked out of my lungs and barred from re-entering. A crumbling weight of doom pressed on my shoulders as my cheeks dampened again. "Only if he asks."

Shocked beyond measure at how stupidly naive I was to surrender completely to someone who could drop me, yet again, at the first opportunity he found, I gasped for breath. "You–you'll leave me?"

"Yes,"

No, not just disbelief, what I felt was sheer betrayal because my ears could not have deceived me twice. What I had imagined to have been the best day of my life turned ghoulish within a mere span of minutes. There was no point in lingering longer and hurting myself yet again; I had done it once, I had watched the pain unfold and to have that happen again... no I was not ready for it.

That day of the performance, I decided I would let the relationship go regardless of how great it made me feel. Had I stood by my word then, and did not fall prey to infatuated impulses with the most beautiful boy I had laid my eyes on, I would have been halfway through my healing journey sometime about now. Why? Why did he have to be so sweet and kind and caring? Why did he have to give me hope, if nothing was going to change?

I turned around to my belongings, quickly wiping my tears.   

He watched me depart silently until I reached the beginning of a shadow. Laced with a thin aching strain, Manik mustered the effort to utter in a low controlled tone, "Ask me why." I stopped walking metres away from the chair but did not turn. "Ask me, Nandini," he commanded.

Sniffling, I did. "Why Manik?"

"Because... I can afford to deprive myself of my feelings, I've done it for 17 years... I can do it for 17 or even a lifetime more, but friendship... friendship has been my only constant." I turned at the approaching masculine tune shrivelled in sorrow. My heart pumped harder, as if to compensate for his misery, dying to reassure him that for as long as I was around, he would never have to shelve his aspirations and wishes for anything or anyone. He could be wholly himself around me, with no judgments... no prejudices.  

"My love for music, my thrill for life, it's all only because of my friends. I have no identity outside of them." Never in a million years did I think I would ever get Manik Malhotra to open up that much, and even though there was still a lot I didn't know about him, I was slowly beginning to understand him. In my own way.

His reasons for leaving me were just because his friends had preconceived notions of my involvement with Harshad.

His motivation behind letting my brother think he was interested in Navya so he would not suspect anything to do with Manik and me.

His own feelings for me overruled his sanity.

"I can't sacrifice my friendship for anything, Nandini." He mumbled, tracing his fingers on the perimeter of my face, alternating glances between my eyes and lips. Though sufficiently protected from external eyes by a shadow cast by the Art Wing, my senses were still alarmed.

The mere possibility of him walking out of my life forever sent shivers down my spine, and that was the case even before a proper commitment sprouted between us. Afraid of the depths of my feelings, and the power he held on my fragile heart, I shakily pleaded, "Let's... can we... can we please go a few steps back?" He was inches away from my face when the question charged at him. He steadily read me. "Can we, for now, just be friends?"

His impulsive response was in utter denial, "We can't be friends."

"Why not Manik?" I hiccuped. "You say friendship is the most important thing in your life. I–I would like to be a part of that life, Manik."

He pondered on that thought blankly as my quivering lips and sniffles were attracting his attention a lot more than his brain.

"But friends don't kiss each other on the lips." He stated, softly tracing them before eyeing the surroundings for safety. My heart skipped several beats at the toe-curling gesture and I turned into putty in his hands, grasping his collar as his hands guided the side of my face. "I'm sorry, but I can't not do that," he said with a smirk before capturing my lips for a heated blistering kiss that was nothing like the tender one from the night before.

Today, I followed his gentle nudges and cues as a hand urged both of mine in his hair, and at the first contact, his tongue delicately slipped into my mouth, sending tantalising tingles in the depths of my soul.

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I spent so so many hours this weekend typing this part up, but while proof-reading it and consolidating it into a single diary entry, it felt short :P

Regardless I appreciate how patient and compassionate my readers are of their highly chaotic and sporadic writer! *hides in a corner* 

Please don't forget to keep your engagement going, this book is finally back on KYY rankings (lost MaNan rankings early last week :( but koi na, your support is more than enough to keep me going <3) 

Lots of love!