I'm playing KYYS4's soundtrack on repeat as I'm writing this, and Kuch Baaki Hai is just so so painful on so many levels yaar! Each time I listen to it, ek naya wala vibe milta hai, so I recommend ki play Kuch Baaki Hai as you read this part! 

Bas itna hi kehna tha, now drumroll!

⭒

Dhruv

I was awakened from my enchantment in the acoustic world, by a loud series of claps. The lounge room had been dimmed creating the perfect setting for a live solo performance, in the comforts of darkness. Facing crowds for me was still nerve-wracking, but over the years I had become more used to compromising my fear for a means of an outlet.

And music had become my only outlet. Once upon a time, I had my ever-lasting friends to rely on, mainly my big brother who I looked up to in regards to everything, especially his vocal mannerisms and the ease at which he would communicate eloquently with others. Till date, I cannot make a full sentence that I can say out loud to someone without stammering or stuttering. But with music, I could.

I took the applause in stride, definitely feeling more accomplished today with Manik around to watch me perform, in a way proud to exhibit my talents in front of my big brother. Cabir and Manik's entire band was playing here prior to my arrival, perhaps practicing their bit for tomorrow's performance. Once I had made my entrance, they coaxed me into playing one of my pieces for them in the hotel's private lounge on the first floor.

I was packing my guitar back into my bag, when I felt a pat. "Bro, you should come play with us tomorrow," Alexandro who was one of the secondary guitarists in their band suggested in a jolly fashion, breaking the ice between us. "No, I'm serious, I can even trade you my spot for a small fee," He chuckled, as he congratulated me with a bro-handshake.

Manik jumped in on the other side of Alex, wrapping his arm around his shoulder, "He can pay you with a spectacular drink indeed, what say Dhruv?" I smiled at them both, complying silently by making my way to the bar on my right.

The lounge was such a beautiful and luxurious space. To the right, it opened into a mini bar, enclosed in a glass chamber behind which remained the hotel pool. I scrounged it for the best liquors in the stash.

"So impressive," I heard from somewhere behind me. A woman behind the bar table was leaning over it, elbows on the counter, showcasing her shoulders and cleavage through the black scoop neck dress she was wearing. I met her eyes, but found it hard to maintain contact.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Manik glancing at me every now and then accompanied by a thoroughly speechless Cabir who probably never imagined something of this magnitude to happen with me right before his eyes.

She took the opportunity to slowly walk around the table towards me. "Your vocal variety is so fluid, so are your strokes..." She drew a curve from the end of my eyebrow to the corner of my lips. My skin flushed, and I consciously exhaled, unaware of how long I was holding onto my breath. Smirking at the reaction, she added in a murmur, "...you really know your way around a guitar,"

And then unexpectedly, her hand dropped to the space between us. She extended her hand out, "I'm Rita Rose, you can call me Rose," I hesitated, wondering if I gave her any indications that I was either too interested, or not interested at all. Either of those would mean bad news to me. Shake her hand Dhruv, what's the worst that can happen?

I wiped my fingers within my palm, checking if they were sweaty before raising it from my side to fill the handshake. "Hi Rose..." I gulped. "Dhruv,"

"Hmm, why don't you make me a drink I'd like?" Sure, I wanted to say out loud, but ended up mumbling. I scrambled the necessary shakers and measuring cups together and pulled out a Midori, filling one of the jiggers.

"Actually Rita, Dhruv can do other things also, that you'd like..." Cabir exclaimed, taking a seat on one of the barstools, as Manik occupied another, holding a smile within. I glared at him, gesturing him with my eyes to shut the fuck up if he loved his life enough to remain alive, "Hai na, Dhruv," He smirked, as Manik bit his lower lip still smiling as well.

Rose turned towards me, more mystified, and in a teasing manner, she ran her finger down the zipper of my hoodie. "Really?"

I cleared my throat, pouring the Midori into two shot glasses topped with Baileys. "Do you want to... maybe go outside... for a bit?"

"Haan haan, jao jao, but come back also haan after 'a bit' has passed," Cabir shouted behind us, before cackling with Manik, who I thought was actually pleased at me being hit on in such an obvious manner.

⭒⭒⭒

Cabir 

I had made myself comfortable near the rails of the balcony, leaning on the wall with my knees tucked. "So... how did it go?" I asked, swirling the last sip of my whiskey in the glass before devouring it.

Dhruv took a metal chair from the outdoor circular table and sat there.

"We just talked... a lot, about random things." I set the glass beside me, on the cold tile. "Before I dropped her, I told her, about the attacks. She said it's cute,"

"Cute? Wow, she has no idea, huh? I must say though, you guys hit it off better than I'd thought!"

"Tu bata, that day after you saw Navya's partner... tera puura mood hi kharaab hogaya tha,"

"I was thinking about it actually, I want to get to know him. See if there's any commonalities, and if he has answers,"

"You think he's family?" Why, did Dhruv not think it was possible?

"I have hope... I think for now, wahi kaafi hai,"

"Kuch baaki hai," He sang along, in the same tune as the song we composed for the school annual day in 12th. An ode to the good days.

"Man, that was my ringtone for so long, it brings back so many memories,"

"What would you think about a trip again, the five of us at least?" Dhruv nodded. "I don't know when the next time will come, that this many of us will get to be in the same place together,"

"I'm onboard, actually let's invite Navya and Ranbir too,"

"You do know you have to ask Manik, I definitely cannot, he will straight up refuse if I do," Dhruv shook his head even before I finished.

"I can't, it's been years... I don't have that of bond with him... anymore,"

"But if anyone can, it's you Dhruv,"

⭒⭒⭒

10 September 2010

It was the science fair this weekend. As the bus came to a halt at a familiar junction, there were more students than usual lined up. Many were taking the bus today because it was a free bus ride for many kids that lived on the school bus routes, but not far enough to pay a hefty pickup fee. Staff were busy arranging decors and models in the school, nobody was checking attendance. Usually that meant a plethora of fun.

Not for me, and not today.

Some thermocoal models squeezed through the entry channel of the bus. One child had bumped her shoulder into a corner of a model, snipping it off. She heard an earful from the respective owner to be mindful of his science experiment, and not to roam around with her eyes glued to the ground.

I was glad I hadn't signed up for this. Over the years I had become aware of my pull towards science as a career. Chikkappa had often said I was following my father's footsteps, I was born to finish what my parents started, to contribute and work in a field similar to theirs and make them proud of what I've accomplished. When it came to actually pinpointing a niche or dimension that I would've liked to explore, tragic memories came in the way. What was it that I liked about science, apart from it being the only true purpose of Appa and Amma's lives.

That's the only way I can still keep them alive with me.

And that passion that they had for it is all that will ever stay with me, for nothing and nobody can bring them back to me.

Clouding my vision came those treacherous tears that knew too much grief. I crossed my arms tightly, hugging myself as I let myself take that one moment to fully feel the gravity of this day and its impounding effect on me.

I wiped away my lone tear before anyone noticed, and I decided to focus and read my storybook as much as I could until we reached school. I leaned on the windowpane, reshuffling my bag on my lap and resting the book comfortably. Not even thirty seconds in, I was poked from the outside.

Manik. It had to be Manik.

My face flushed with the aftermath of an abundance of emotions at once, subdued finally by a luxurious summer-like warmth. I turned to my left, beaming, only to see a known face smiling back eagerly. "Hey Nandini, can you save a spot?" Amira was nudging a long roll of paper toward me.

She had joined me on the bus once before but we hadn't spoken since, and it was strange that she had reached out to me of all people on the bus. Half-disappointed that she was not the face I was looking for, and then half-angry at myself for being so pathetically desperate for seeing Manik, I collected it and kept it on the aisle side of the seat like a barricade. Whenever she made her way past the queue of kids, she could come to claim her seat.

Where was he though? I remembered the last time he took the bus with me, that day he was constantly annoying me. I missed him today.

"Thank you, Nandini," I nodded gently, leaning in as she unrolled the long chart.

"What did you make?"

"Some less known facts about astronomy,"

Astronomy was the same field of science my parents worked in.

Nope, Nandini, not again.

Gamma rays can release more energy in less than ten seconds that the Sun could in its lifetime.

Rays. Flash. That flash of bright white light.

I shut my eyes, blocking the memory. If they were watching me today, they would be so disappointed in their daughter that put in no effort to showcase anything significant in the scientific space to the rest of the students and parents of the school.

"Cool... " I said, unintentionally aloof. She shifted away, withdrawing when I caught a corner of the chart that was still swirled in her lap. "Hey," I jumped, unraveling that crevice.

It was a 5 legged star, with spikes and spokes all around it, coloured in a bright red with a tinge of orange on the bulging bits. I pointed, wanting to put my thoughts in words.

Flaming, fury, vibrations.

Identical to Rishabh's scribbles as he drifted out of his violent convulsions.

Amira turned to my pale-faced amazement, and took it as a compliment, relaxing. Then with a small chuckle so as to not take all the credit, she said, "Oh, Dhruv Vedant, our senior drew that. He did all these drawings, I just coloured them."

Dhruv? Bhai's friend, Dhruv?

Yesterday, when he had come to the kitchen to eat, was when Rishabh had gotten agitated. Was there some sort of connection between the two? But Dhruv could talk, albeit rarely. Had he experienced something similar?

"He's such a nice person too, talks so little, so different from the rest of his group," Amira added, still blooming with appreciation for their teamwork as the bus stopped for the day. Rushing before the queues piled up again, Amira rolled the chart back in her hands, slung her backpack, and stood up. "Chalo, I'll see you later, bye."

How could it have been that both Dhruv and Rishabh drew the same star? Did he see the same white flash we saw? But we were in Bangalore at that time, then? It just doesn't add up.

"Oh hello, madam? Kahan? Huh?" His fingers snapped, bringing me back to the bus bay from where I had just been mindlessly strolling to the school entrance. "Where are you lost?" It was Manik.

Finally.

"Manik...." I mumbled, still in a trance. He hmmed, unabashedly showing his meek smile that seemed to pour out of his mouth that morning. Just unusually happy. Manik leaned to my height, observed my face, noticed that a tear or two might have escaped my eyes earlier this morning, and blinked slowly. Almost realizing that the whirlwind of happiness he was experiencing on seeing me was quite the opposite of what I had been through in those same few moments.

Did Manik know about Dhruv's star?

But what if he didn't, he would definitely want to know what I was talking about then. Was I ready to explain it all yet, put myself through all those sequences again, to open up?

The feeling of sinking into cold sand engulfed my feet. My knees buckled. I wanted to fall. Break apart. Shatter.

Manik held my elbow firmly, drawing me to himself in a side embrace, gently rubbing my shoulder in support. Nostrils filled with the scent of his perfume, as the relief that washed over me with that one gesture was surreal. I dug my face into his pec, clasping my arms around his blazer-clad frame, clinging desperately. He brings me relief.

Manik stood still, letting me have my moment again, before bringing his other arm around me and protectively cocooning me in his chest. His breathing was slow, calm, composed, and grounding. Exactly what I needed.

And there, I let myself fall. Within ten minutes I had broken down twice, but this time I didn't need to hide away from anyone. I didn't need to shy away from expressing myself in front of him. But was I ready to face his questions today?

Hiccupping in his chest, I placed my ear on it, still holding tight. It was dawning on me that I was in such close proximity for such a prolonged period with a man for the very first time in my life. My arms were stinging at the places he touched. The thought thrilled me as much as it was nerve-wracking, but not uncomfortable. My heartbeat still spiked.

Breathing heavily, I asked, sniffling, "Did you make anything for the science fair?"

I heard a huff as if it was hard to believe this was the same girl who was breaking down a couple of minutes ago.

"Your brother made that pinhole camera ya kuch na? Mukti did the poster for it, my contribution was just in bringing it, which by the way I think you crushed while you hugged me so tightly before," He suggestively remarked, smirking at the side of his slung back. A rolled chart in the water bottle pocket looked quite deformed.

I giggled as I withdrew, rubbing the base of my nose with my hand and wheezing in. That was the smile of his I missed while I was in my own sobbing land. His lips danced with one another as he spoke, his perfectly aligned teeth peeking between their movements, his sharp nose contracting with every breath, his eyes... his heavenly eyes. As they met mine in a daze, butterflies jumped in my stomach, just the way they did on the very first day I met him.

He took a step, matching my pace and keeping up with my short legs that were only learning to walk when compared to his. We had entered the premises from the longest and most isolated path possible, and were now passing by the side gate to nurse ward on the west wing of the Admin block, along the road never taken.

"Do you think my parents will be disappointed in me, Manik, for not honouring their special day?"

"Parents are always disappointed, whether you do something or not... you might as well do what you feel is right," He said in a 'as-a-matter-of-fact' tone, yet his fingers were saying something else, as they reached into the spaces between mine, sealing the gaps securely. "And I think you did the right thing today,"

I decided then and there, that my wallows of pain will come nowhere close to the inklings of his happiness. I will not ask him about Dhruv, I will do anything to preserve that smile of his.

Even if that meant foregoing mine forever.

⭒⭒⭒

Mukti

Nandini is such an empathetic woman. I don't want to steal her limelight by inserting myself in here, Babbu, but I thought it was only fair that I share a snippet of what I experienced when I witnessed them together for the first-ever time. So here goes:

I slumped on the chair before her. "How are you feeling, Ms. Malhotra?"

My uterus is fucking killing me!

I leaned back in my seat, visibly tired. "Not great, can I get some painkillers?" I said, as I pressed my temples.

"Are you skipping your OCPs?"

"My cycle is more regular now. I'm fine,"

"This is your second time this week, I really need to know what's going on, are you looking after yourself?" I swirled the paperweight on her desk between my fingers, deeply observing the way the glitter tumbled down. "Mukti, your doctor's prescribed your contraception to help fight your cyst, but that's not going to work if you're so adamant on torturing yourself."

I placed the paperweight back calmly. She backed up, cursorily glancing at every one of my movements.

"Thank you for your concern, but painkillers should be enough for today,"

I heard voices buzz through the door, one of which I knew like the back of my hand. My brother's. What is he doing here, and that too 15 minutes before assembly? He's with a girl? I had to see who it was, so I stood up.

"Don't forget to dispatch it soon," I muttered to her, before hurrying to the door.

Manik was walking hand in hand with a short girl with a ponytail. Hand in hand. Not the usual "girl-attached-to-his-arm" because he wouldn't bother reciprocating. He was holding her hand, like she was his partner, his equal, his soulmate. As she turned sideways to see him, I realised exactly who she was. I hopped in surprise, clapping my hands to my mouth, unable to contain my shock.

Nandini. Abhi's sister, Nandini. My cutest friend, Nandini, hand in hand with Manik, my adorable twin.

How surreal?! Never in a million years had I thought Manik would be the slightest inclined towards a woman, and why would he be? He knew too well of the mess I was in because of my feelings. He saw how our parents treated one another. There was no concept of partnership in any of the relationships surrounding us. No, it's give-and-take. Everything must be earned, and everything will be paid back for. Nothing happens out of the goodness of one's heart.

Nothing except our friend group.

Until today.

Oh, I so want to torture him and make him confess.

As quickly as the evil thought emerged, it flew away, when his lips caressed the top of her head in a quick but gentle pucker. They were so comfortable with each other only because they were aware that it was just the two of them together.

The small bubble they were in was so secure, so comforting, so cozy. Maybe a confrontation or getting Manik to confess would be a bad idea. In some ways, having no labels attached was a healthier way of approaching this situation, especially with the kinds of pasts that have chained us to the people we've become.

In due time, he would realise, and he would tell her. And she would tell him how incredibly happy she is for them, and bless them from the deepest parts of her heart.

My chest felt warm and fuzzy. She was a good girl, from a good family, with good values. She had that aura of peace, serenity and purity in every which way possible. In short, she had everything we didn't. Yet, in that one look of longing admiration for him, Nandini's eyes conveyed so much respect, compassion and affection for my brother, like he's her equal. As broken as he is, he's the best thing that's ever happened to her. I know that look, I know he'll never find someone better than her.

Knowing that my brother is in very safe hands alone made me happier than ever. 

⭒⭒⭒

11 September 2010

Babbu, I have a lot to say today, so please hear me out haan?

Okay, today I got to know Dhruv's father is a scientist too. Like, what are the chances that our parents were in the same field of work, and both him and Rishu drew the same star from memory?

That was precisely the reason actually why I went to talk to him. I'll tell you all about it.

The morning session of school today involved all students helping out whichever department they could. Navya picked acoustics, obviously to have a chance at meeting Harshad and maybe even talking to him, Aryamann had no preference really and was willing to join me wherever I was wanting to go.

The east wing of the campus focused mainly on chemistry and cosmology. Within the second floor, one section was for botany and the other was for astronomy. I knew I wanted to go to the astronomy division, but I was going for a purpose and somehow having Aryamann around me would hinder me from openly conversing with Dhruv about the questions I had on my mind.

But I didn't want to be rude either.

"I'm thinking of checking out the astronomy side. One of my friends is contributing to it and I would love to help him out,"

His face shrank at the mention of a 'him'. "Oh... I can come along, astronomy sounds fun," He added cheerfully, letting certain reservations not get in the way.

I didn't know what else to say, so I said "Okay,"

We walked together to the other side of the campus. At the top of the staircase to the second floor, a beautiful celestial banner arched across the corridor. Either sides of it had floor-length, thick blue velvet curtains, that could be pulled together to block light. They really went an extra mile to bring about the real space experience.

Fascinated, I stepped over the curtain bases, wary of tripping on them which I have a reputation of doing. Straight ahead was Dhruv, bending over a table and attaching ribbons to some charts. Amira was on his left, cutting pieces of tape meticulously and keeping them flap-down to the edge of their table. One other senior student was on a ladder behind the curtains, trying to adjust the banner.

"Hey, can you see if the spacing is okay? Is the banner in the centre?"

I took a step back, observing. Two of my fingers touched my lips in thought.

"I think it should come slightly to the left," I suggested, a little apprehensive at being critical. I would have loved to help out myself, but my skirt would put me in an awkward position.

"I can give you a hand," Aryamann swooped in, taking initiative and helping the older lad. I smiled at the two of them, thanking Aiyappa for clearing my coast.

I tapped Dhruv's shoulder, then grinned as he turned.

"Nandini, I didn't know you'd be here," He mindfully adjusted his cap, meekly smiling. He seemed shy, and taken aback by my presence.

"Of course I would come, my friend is here," I boasted, went behind him and took a seat at his side of the table. "Hi Amira," She and I spoke for a few moments again, and then I turned my attention towards Dhruv's chart.

"You know, Appa loved looking at stars."

"Sacchme? My dad was a astronomer, so I did too, until..." Was. Oh, this ill-fate! He sneaked a look at me from the corner of his eye. There was something he wanted to say, but couldn't. Why? Wanting to put an end to my confusions, he smiled, "...I grew up."

"Why not anymore?" Amira asked whilst focused on her task, completely missing the apprehension in Dhruv's physique. Dhruv shrugged, continuing his task.

He lifted the two ends of the attached ribbon. They could now be hung anywhere to display. Dhruv looked from one wall to another. I saw one behind me.

"Why not here? I can do it, give it to me," I got up and extended a hand. Dhruv eyed the chair behind me.

"No, you don't stand on it, I'll do it, you just give me the tapes," He approached me very clumsily, and as our bodies swapped places, he was mindful so as to not touch me anywhere. Aryamann's gaze fleeted towards us, and then went calm.

"Do you know anything about that drawing?" I muttered, hoping it would be soft enough to not alert anyone's attention to us.

"That's mine, I like drawing, so I volunteered,"

The blazing star was the only drawing my attention was on. "What's the significance?" I asked, blankly.

He turned to me, his look lingering a little longer on me. "Kuch cheeze aise bhi hote hai, jo dikh sakta hai lekin kaha nahi jaata," Huh? "I'm not good with words, but drawings are an outlet for me," He said, looking at that star with an incomprehensible intensity. "...to express,"

Dhruv was as immobile as a stone, blinking slowly in a trance of his own as he stared at it again. This side of him seemed powerful, furious and vengeful... very unlike the tame calm composed manner with which he carries himself around other people. It appeared as though something had come up in his life, swirled that energy out of him completely, and replaced him with this subdued version of him that found it hard to speak more than a couple of sentences without gasping and needing some alone time.

Quite alike to Rishabh during his attacks, when he would erupt into this uncontrollable madman and vent his frustration on things around him, break this, scream, cry and uncontrollably shake. And when the storm faded, he would go quiet and become the shelled boy he was accustomed to be.

Maybe there was something about that star, that stole something innate from Dhruv too, and drawing it unlocked this side to him he forgot he had.

How scary must it be, to not truly know the real person that lives in your body.

"Like I said, drawings are just an outlet,"

That was the most I had ever seen Dhruv speak, and that to with me. He didn't say a word henceforth, and watching the whole sequence play out in that way felt like a movie to me. It was draining me somehow.

I excused myself and got away, feeling extremely helpless and powerless as a sister to ease the pain away from Rishu and bring him back to his true self, a boy whose identity was not defined by him being mute, a boy who deserved to go to school, to make friends easily, to play with others just like other kids did.

Rishabh deserved to have life-long friends like Dhruv had the Fab 5 and Abhi.

⭒

Brb, while I aggressively type out the next part!