Chapter Fifty Dancing In The Sky

As I lied in my bed, I couldn't escape the memories. It haunted me and it always would. It was my fault and I couldn't blame anyone but myself. She warned me and I didn't listen to her and I should have.

I didn't know what was going on but I knew it was something horrible. That was very clear. It was the only thing I knew. Then the nurse walked in with a sad expression. She was holding a clipboard and I sat up as she walked closer to my bed.

"Colby." She said, sadly. "I'm so sorry."

I frowned, confused. "For what? What's wrong?"

She lifted an eyebrow. "You don't know?"

I shook my head. "No. So please tell me."

She took in a sharp breath and I saw how she was debating on how to tell the news. The news no one wanted to hear but then she ripped the bandage off, quick and easy.

"You were pregnant but you miscarriged."

At first, I couldn't believe her. I took a pregnancy test and it come back negative. I wasn't pregnant but then she kept saying how sorry she was. I was in denial.

I never saw my baby if I could even call it that. I was only five weeks pregnant when I miscarried. I was left in privacy as I cried and cried over the baby I didn't even know I was carrying. How could I have not known it was inside of me?

I was the person to blame and because of my own stupidity, I would never get to met my little baby. I would never know if it was a girl or a boy. I wouldn't know anything about it and it was all my fault. I didn't stay in the hospital very long, maybe a few hours at most before I left and went to my house. People came to visit me but I hardly noticed them as I lied on my side, facing the window as the tears streamed down my face.

I might not have noticed everyone who was there but I knew he wasn't one of them. He wasn't there. He didn't even show up and I couldn't blame him. He hated me and he had every reason to. I lost our child.

Our child we would never create memories with and this pain I felt would stay with me. I was careless and reckless. I was the one to harm my baby. The baby that was create a little of a month ago. The night of Valentine's Day.

I should've known. Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I listen? Why did I do this? I would never forgive myself. Never.

I wasn't sure how long I was left alone but I couldn't stay alone forever. I couldn't grieve alone. I didn't like being alone for a long time and they knew that. So my mom walked into my dark room and sat on my bed.

She placed her hand on my covered hip as I gripped my pillow, tighter. I had my back to her so she wouldn't see my tear stained face.

She sighed, lightly. "Sweetie, I should've told you this when you first asked but I didn't and I'm sorry."

I didn't know what she was talking about and I wasn't about to ask either. She was going to tell me.

"I was just like you, wilder even. If you can imagine that. I was so passionate about dancing as you are. I held a special spot for it. I loved it very much."

I didn't know why she chose now to tell me her story but I wasn't going to stop her.

"When I was nineteen, I had Hunter and of course I was absolutely terrified but I had Richard and he made everything better. Then three years later I had Levi. Life was moving fast. I wad scared. I had a stupid argument with Richard and we broke up. A couple of weeks went by and I needed to get out and enjoy life. I did and I met Deion. I actually met him while dancing. One thing led to another and then a month later, I found out I was pregnant. I hated myself. I blamed dancing for everything. I thought I lost everything but Richard saw the good and took me back. And from that moment on, I swore off dancing."

She paused then she continued.

"You were three when I noticed you started dancing. Then as you grew older you grew loved for it. And all I could thing of was the path I headed for. I wanted to stop it but I couldn't. You wouldn't give up dancing no matter what I did or said to you. Like I told you that night you confronted me about dancing, I blamed him for it. But I realized I was lying to myself. It wasn't his fault and it wasn't my love for dancing. Everything happened for a reason. I met Deion for a reason. You are that reason."

Now I understood why she was telling me her story. She wanted to comfort me in the only way she knew how. She wanted me to believe everything happened for a reason and I didn't think I could.

"I hated myself for the longest time for what I did to Richard. Even though we weren't together, I still betrayed. I was lucky he took me back and forgave me when I couldn't forgive myself. But the longer I hated myself, I came to realize I was hating you. And I didn't hate. I could never hate you because it wasn't your fault. You didn't plan this."

I could hear it her voice that she wanted to cry but she wanted to stay strong for me because I was in a vulnerable place.

"I'm so sorry, Colby. I'm sorry. I wish this didn't happen to you and I know that doesn't make anything better."

She didn't have the words to comfort me because she never experienced losing a child and I hope she never would. She was trying and I was grateful to have her. I remove one of my hands off of my pillow and placed it on top of hers.

She stayed with me for awhile until i told her I wanted to be left alone. Cassidy returned to my room and spoke about something I didn't want to discuss.

"Earlier your mom was discussing funeral arrangement. She's gonna ask for your permission but she wants to do something with flowers or a tree."

Funeral.

Something I shouldn't have to do. I wished I didn't have to do this. Why did I have to do this? Why was my baby taken away from me? Something I would never know.

Mom came into my room some minutes later. She wanted me to eat something but I couldn't eat. I had no appetite. I knew eventually I would have to eat but right now I couldn't.

I think Mom knew I needed someone other than her because I heard my door open then Koda and Bear jumped onto my bed. They could sense something was wrong with me. They started to weeping and whining.

Koda lied right beside me while Bear lied behind me, resting his head on my thigh. They were worry about me and they didn't even know why. They never would.

Or maybe they did and that's why they were sad for me. Maybe all along they could sense I was pregnant and now that I wasn't anymore, they smelled a different smell.

And maybe that's why they were protective of me because they knew I was pregnant. A couple of weeks ago, Levi tried to hit me, playfully, but Koda growled at him. I laughed it off, thinking it was because he was mean to her all the time but then Bear did they same thing to Jayce.

He never growled at Jayce before. I didn't know why I never picked up on that until now. Why was I just now putting the pieces together? It was too late for that.

I thought about the future I would never have. I thought about the first cry, the first smile, the first laugh, the first step. I thought about how I would be the nice parent and give him everything he wanted.

I thought about the first time teaches him how to ride his bike or his name. I thought about Jayce teaches him how to play sports and all the moments only a father and son could share.

But the longer I thought about it, the more it hurt. I wished it was all a dream and I somehow would just wake up from this nightmare.

Yet no matter how much I wished I would just wake up, it wouldn't happen. This was my life and I would have to live with this forever.

I thought back to the time I dreamt about looking at the sky. That was my warning. I was looking for something and it was my wholeness. I couldn't see it but I felt it and it was enough.

A piece of me was taken and nothing could ever fill that hole ever again. My wholeness would never ever be completed again.

I thought about my mother's story and how she wanted me to think everything happened for a reason. I thought about whether he would've loved to dance or not like I did. She wanted me to not blame myself for this happening but how could I not? It was my fault.

I got out of my bed and headed over to the window. I pulled the curtains back and stared at the light sky. The birds were flying and enjoying their life.

It wasn't fair.

I hope wherever he was, he would grow up and have the time of his life and one day I would get to see him.

I wondered if he dancing in the sky as I looked up at it. Koda and Bear came beside me and I looked down at them for a second before returning my attention back to the blue sky.

I guess I got my wish after all. I didn't want to be pregnant in the first place and now I wasn't. I wished for this and in a cruel, unexpected way, my wish got grant.

So it was my fault and no one could tell me differently. I mean when I told the pregnancy test, I was nervous and when it came back negative I was relieved. But even then, I had a feeling something was wrong. I should've listened to my guts and I should've listened to Cassidy when she told me to go to the hospital to be on the safe side.

I made the mistake to ignore her and this was my consequence. I really didn't have anyone to blame. It was all on me.

Tears started to fall my eyes and I wrapped my arounds around myself, dropping the curtains and encasing myself in darkness.

I thought the same words over and over again. My mind was a broken record. A sad broken record as the words played repeatedly.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.