Jordan

The Violent Femmes happened to be one of Tim's favorite bands of all time. He called Kiss Off his anthem, whatever that meant. Only a mother like ours would let a five year old listen to them; that's about when Mom first introduced him to the song. Only a mother like ours wouldn't get mad when her boys used the f-word because the f-word was often heard in the songs she listened to and if she listened to them then so did her boys.

"You're listening to the Violent Femmes, aren't you?" Tim said while driving to the group home. I was still annoyed Jamie didn't come with me. Either I must have been singing or I had the music so loud he could hear it over my headphones. Maybe both. "Let me listen, too."

Still annoyed, I chose not to answer him. I felt like telling Tim to "kiss off" right about now.

"Come on, don't be a dick," he said. "Get over it. Jamie's not going anywhere." Why did he have to bring up Jamie? Why did he even care?

I turned the volume up even louder so I definitely couldn't hear him. His lips moved, but I didn't know what he said. As I looked out the window, Tim shoved my shoulder to get my attention. I shoved him back, causing him to swerve a little.

"Fuck off," I said. He said something else, but I didn't hear him.

For this visit, Tim came out of the car with me. "Take off your headphones," he shouted. He didn't have to shout because I turned down the volume, but I still didn't answer nor did I take off my headphones. When I didn't take them off, he yanked them off without my permission, pissing me off more than I already was. As I went to reclaim them, he swatted my hand away. We fought back and forth for a minute or two, shoving and pushing.

"Is there a problem, boys?" Mom's favorite staff member, Betty, said. I was never sure how they knew she was Mom's favorite. I guess she was just more cooperative with her.

"Sit down," Tim ordered me, but I wasn't in the mood to listen to him.

"Or maybe you should come back a different time when you can act like men?" Betty said. Glaring at my ass hole brother, I reluctantly sat down on the picnic bench across from Mom. Her eyes stayed on Tim for a minute or two as if she recognized him. He hadn't sat on this bench in a long time.

"Hi, Mom," Tim said. "Jordan's in a bad mood because his...uh...friend didn't bring him so he's stuck with me."

Folding my arms over my chest, I sulked, staring at Mom who stared back at me, occasionally blinking. Tim never knew what to say because Mom never talked back.

"Art wants to take me to England," I said to her, but I wanted Tim to hear it, too. "If I go to England, I won't be able to visit you, but I don't think you care. I think you're dead inside." Tim elbowed me to shut me up. I elbowed him back and continued talking, anyway. "I used to see something in your eyes, but I don't see it anymore."

"Wait a minute," Tim said, looking at me. "What do you mean Art wants to take you to England?"

"Look," I said, handing him my phone, showing him all the numerous text messages Art sent me a couple of days ago. Because he paid my tuition and other expenses, he requested I save all my tests and papers so he could look at them, to make sure I spent his money well. So, to keep him off my back, I stored everything in a folder in his office. Tim didn't even know I did that.

"What the...?" Tim said, scrolling through my messages. "When'd you take the MCAT?" he asked.

"In April," I said. "I was bored and my advisor told me to take it."

"You were bored so you chose to take an eight hour exam?"

"I finished it in six," I said. "I know I'm a freak. I don't need to be reminded."

"You're not a freak," he said.

"Art's teaching in Oxford." I said, ignoring his comment. Tim always tried to make me feel better about myself, but I knew the truth. "He wants me to go with him."

"That's funny," he said, handing my phone back to me although he wasn't laughing. "All of a sudden he wants to be involved like he suddenly discovered you're a genius. We knew that since you were eight. I really don't get it. I just asked him what he thought about you living on campus. I didn't suggest taking you study abroad in England. What do you think about that?" I wasn't sure how to answer. "You know you won't be far from Jamie." Shrugging, I looked down at the ground. "Don't you want to be close to him?" I shrugged again.

"This isn't about Jamie," I muttered.

"You're right. It's not," he said.

"I don't know what to do," I said. "Art's taking me with him."

"You don't have to go if you don't want to go," he said. I wasn't so sure about that. Art made it seem like I didn't have a choice. Maybe he wouldn't have to pay my tuition if he was a faculty member.

"Do you think he wants me to go because he won't have to pay since he's working there?" I asked.

"I don't know. Good question."

"Or maybe a discount," I added.

"Maybe."

Tim and I talked back and forth as if Mom wasn't even there, as if we were sitting at the kitchen table at home.

"I don't know if I'm ready for med school yet," I said. "I don't know...I don't know if I want to leave home."

"What about living on campus?"

"I don't know," I said, my knee bouncing up and down while I pulled at my hair nervously. "I don't know. I don't know."

"How about we stop talking about it?" Tim turned off my headphones, letting the music play for us all to hear. As the Violent Femmes played, maybe Mom's eyes brightened a little.

"I...I...uh..." I wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure how. Water trickled down my cheeks unexpectedly and I wasn't sure why.

"Jordan, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"I'm not," I said as more and more tears fell. "Don't be mad at him."

"Who? What? What are you talking about?" I couldn't look at him. Instead, I stared down at the picnic table.

"I...uh...Jamie...well...you're going to be so mad..." Tears just poured out of me as I sat there, the Violent Femmes playing. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop, leaving me even more embarrassed.

"I'm not going to be mad. Calm down. We'll talk about it later. We..." I couldn't take it...all these emotions running through me. Without saying anything to Tim or my mother, I got up and bolted around the house and to his car. I had done this sort of thing before. Standing at his car, I pulled at the door handle violently while sobbing, anxious to get into the car.

"Hey, Jordan," Tim said out of breath, having run after me. "Why are you so upset?" But I couldn't talk. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to see anybody. "I know about you and Jamie. It's cool. Calm down, huh?"

"What do you mean you know?" I said and ceased pulling at the door handle for a second.

"Because I know."

"What are you talking about?" I said, wiping my nose with the back of my arm.

"I know about you and Jamie."

"He told you?" I asked in disbelief. Why would he do that?

"No, nobody told me. I sort of figured it out on my own. You know, with all the marks you left on his neck and shoulders...and the flirting...and...well...my bedroom's not far from yours."

"I don't flirt," I said.

"Sure you don't," he said, obviously not believing me.

"I want to go home," I said. Tim unlocked the car and I quickly got in. Tim sat in the car a minute or two, contemplating starting the engine while I whimpered to myself.

"I'm not mad," he said. "I'm not mad at either of you. I know you really like him." I could only nod. "You really love him." I nodded again.

"Too much is happening at once," I said, bringing my knees to my chest, leaning against the car door. The seatbelt nearly choked me for a second. I was in sensory overload and it wasn't even loud in the car. It was my brain and all these emotions I'd never experienced before with the thought of doing things and going places I'd never gone. I couldn't handle all this at once. "Take me home. I want to go home."

Throughout the ride home, I drifted off to sleep, waking up in the driveway. Sometimes I slept when I was stressed. As I opened my eyes, I discovered three unknown vehicles in the driveway, blocking Jamie's Jeep.

"Looks like Art has some guests over," Tim said. "Judging by the expensive-looking cars, I bet they're colleagues of his. You alright?" Tim asked me as I rubbed my eyes.

"I'm gay," I said with a yawn. In case he didn't know...

"Yes, I know," he said and shoved my arm playfully.

"You don't care?"

"Do you care that I'm straight?"

"No, but..."

"Just shut up about it then," he said and got out of car. "Maybe Jamie can take you out so you don't have to deal with all this shit. Oh yeah, I forgot, he said something about a drive-in."

As soon as we opened the front door, the deep, booming voices of men who liked themselves way too much echoed through the house even though they were all out back on the porch.

"Jordie, is that you?" Art called. "Why don't you come out here?" I looked at Tim seeking help or advice. Tim nudged me along, making our way to the porch. Around the table sat three different late middle-aged men, no doubt from the scientific world, all with various masters degrees and doctorates. Art said all their names, but I wasn't listening.

Where's Jamie?

The taller,thinner guy with glasses stood up. As he took a step forward, I took a step back. All he wanted to do was shake my hand, but that freaked me out. I didn't like to be touched. He said something about my aptitude and blah blah blah and he said if I was interested in an education at Harvard, then "let him know."

"I'm afraid he'll have to turn you down," Art said. "My boy's getting an Oxford education."

If I had enough guts and if my voice cooperated I would have said, "actually I am interested in a Harvard education," but the words didn't come out. Back in high school, I was accepted into all kinds of colleges, but a last minute tantrum my senior year freaked me, Tim, and Art out so much so I chose not to go to any of them.

"Maybe he's more interested in MIT like his brother," another man said.

Much to my relief, Jamie appeared, standing in the doorway of the porch. As if to sense my tension and worsening anxiety, he slipped his hand in mine and squeezed it.

"Aren't you going to Kelly's?" Jamie said to Tim.

"Uh...yeah..."

"No, Tim, come on and grab a beer and sit down," Art said. "Give the boy one, too. Sure, why not, huh?" I hated beer, but I liked special brownies.

"The boy?" Jamie said. "You mean Jordan? Actually, Jordan and I are going out."

We are? It's only three thirty.

Jamie pulled me back into the house before Art said something else with Tim right behind us.

"You're not staying, are you?" Jamie said.

"For a few minutes, yeah," Tim said. "I happen to work for one of them."

"Oh, sorry," Jamie said. "Maybe you should call Kelly now, have her come over or something. Use her as an excuse."

Pulling away from Jamie, I ran out the front door, anxious to get out of there. I had forgotten Jamie's car was stuck behind the Porsche, Audi, and some sporty SUV. Instead of going back inside to let him know, I wandered off and into the woods where I felt safe. Without hesitation, I shed my clothes and walked right into the pond, waiting for a scolding from Jamie any minute.

In the distance, I heard the sound of trampling feet through leaves. Within a few minutes, both Jamie and Tim caught me by surprise jumping in the pond on either side of me.

A/N

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