Cleaning the dishes from dinner, I watch the boys and their father play baseball in the backyard. But when Ben came in for a glass of water, Davis stopped tossing the ball to Lucas. I saw him squeeze the tips of his glove tight, his way of signaling another throw. But Davis just sat upon the picnic table and stared into his phone.

"Hey baby, mind giving me a hand? Can you get the jar of Brillo pads out of the cabinet for me? I can't get this baked-on cheese off."

"Sure mama"

Thump

"What is wrong with you?" I jerk my head around pulling my eyes from Ben to the window and watch the baseball roll in the grass away from Davis. Lucas must have thrown it to get his attention. Oh my god. I flinch as Davis quickly hops off the tabletop and launches his thick leather glove at Lucas's face.

"Uh, thank you sweetie, go back outside and play with your brother, five more minutes and then its bath time."

"Yes ma'am"

"Are you really that stupid?" Davis continues to shout, his voice even louder this time, causing me to drop the pan the into the soapy water. He is just a little boy. I reach for the kitchen door; hurrying to get outside. From the patio I see his poor little face turning a sunburnt red. Embarrassment spreading like wildfire with his body language, he was stooped onto the ground by the time my feet left the concrete slab near the door, already curling himself in a ball by the time I crossed the yard, and by the time I bent to my knees he was already pushing his heels, lifting his body back and forth in a repetitive motion.

"Hey honey, Mama is right here. It's okay you didn't know, we understand." My heart tightened when I heard the slightest whimper from his mouth. Would today be the day he spoke? His tiny fingernails clinched to my blouse as I pulled him to my lap.

"Let's just watch to sunset, okay buddy?"

"Are we really babying the boy Cassie? He is eight! You can't just coddle him all the time because he is too stupid to speak."

"Ben, can you bring your brother inside please? Run the bath water, I'll be inside soon." Without saying a word, Ben helped lift his older brother from the grass, guiding him inside and shutting the kitchen door.

"What is your problem? He is autistic!"

"My problem is I can't do this anymore Cassie, I love you damnit. But...... I wanted to be a dad but not to someone like that!" as his frustration grew with his tone, fear grew in my belly.

"Why can't he be like Ben? Normal?"

"I can't believe you are saying these things, he is our son! Maybe if you actually spent time with him, gave him any interest at all, you would find your own way of communicating, you'd understand his mannerisms."

"Mannerisms." His mocked word dripped with spite as he crossed his arms seating back on the table top.

"Davis, work with him! Learn to read him. Don't you have any idea of how scary this world must be for him?"

"Read him? How? With therapy? We already do that Cass. I toss so much money toward therapy on a kid that doesn't speak! It doesn't work. He comes home grunting and tapping more and more. I can't stand it!"

"And how else do you suggest he communicate?"

"With words Cassie!"

And just like Lucas, my words are gone, I'm speechless at knowing my partner in life wasn't with me. My Rock wasn't rock all, instead- he was made of cheap paper-mache. Hollow, empty, and fake. I stand here, in shock, just waiting for the inevitable. How could I have fallen for a man that didn't love his children equally? That couldn't carry the same concerns and fears on his back like me?

"Cass." His voice cut through the darkening evening, smooth and calm, "I know it's a lot to ask, but pick me. Pick Ben. We have one healthy son, that's enough. We can send Lucas off, to a home where people are capable of caring for him, his kind. We aren't cut out for this."

Paper-mache. Cassie, he is paper mache. Swallowing my pride, I held up my chin and answered his pleading ultimatum.

"No, YOU aren't cut out for this. So I'll make it easy for you, I pick MY boys, MY innocent boys. You are welcome to leave." I protest jabbing my finger into his chest, when I finally look into his eyes I expected to see hurt, but instead I found relief. It was what he truly wanted all along. He didn't want to be picked. And in the moment, it was his silence that gave me clarity. 

Added:

Standing before me was the man that fell short. On his promises to me. On his duties to his family. And on his vows with God. But what I don't understand is why was this happening to me? I did right by God, I followed his guidance, the same guidance that led me to Davis. Was I wrong? Was my purpose with Davis not for happiness? I thought I found a man that loved our God, but instead I found a man that loved himself.

Turning to go inside, I walk tall. I will cry or show my weaknesses, especially now. But my eyes catch something near the door frame that breaks my heart more than Davis already had. My sweet Ben had heard everything.

Pools of hot liquid threated to break the imaginary dam. His tiny hand clinching his glove as he fought his bottom lip from pouting, the corners on his mouth winning the fight. Shoving the glove to the ground he makes a run for it down the hall, slamming his bedroom door before I can make to the backdoor's threshold.

Focusing on the only ones that matter now, I leave Davis in the yard. But more than Davis, I was leaving a marriage I realized was unfixable.

Ephesians 5:33 preaches that if your marriage is filled with conflict, don't give up. But in this very moment, why would I fight? What if God's purpose wasn't for me to fight the inevitable? Maybe I am merely grasping for straws. Maybe I am searching for a way out, because I am failing to see how- no- refusing to see how, such a heartless man could have been my forever. God, I need your guidance, your clarity. What could your lesson possibly be for me? Better yet my sweet innocent children?

Closing the distance, I reach for the handle, but it doesn't turn, instead I'm greeted with resistance. Rattling the door's handle, I take a breath. Trying my best to push away any anger or frustration toward Davis. I need to be patient and compassionate.  They shouldn't have to witness me like this. They did nothing wrong. Gathering any composure I can bare; I gently tap my knuckles at the cream door stained for shoe marks and dirty handprints from two wild little boys.

"Ben? Sweetie? Please open the door. I just want to know you and Lucas are alright."

Pattering feet launch from one of the squeaky toddler beds,

"Lucas don't", but his soft plea to his big brother is too late. Lucas rushes out, planting himself in my arms. I sink to the floor, tucking him as close I can to my chest.

"Shh, mamas gotcha buddy. I'm right here".

The discolored door slowing creeping open to reveal a curly red headed boy with tear-stained cheeks.

.  .  .

"Get out Davis."

"Come Cassie, I didn't make it, it's just been a long day."

"Excuse me?" I question with a dry chuckling scoff. "You're actually kidding. So, your excuse is as long as I've had a long day, I can break apart my family? Please, I can't even look at you right now."

"You're actually trying to fight with me right now? I said what was on my mind, I'm not wrong for that?"

I lift my head, looking into his eyes for the first time since we entered our bedroom to talk, "Not wrong? How is that right? How is it right to even suggest giving our son away? The fact that you see no wrongdoing is exactly the problem Davis!"

"Babe." He pitifully whines before crossing the room, reaching for my shoulder. But I take a step back lifting his pillow for a barrier. There would be no embrace, no understanding. I won't forgive him this time; this will have to be the last straw.

"You should sleep on the couch."

But to my surprise he calmly takes the pillow. No argument, no plea. Not a "Come on Babe" or a second attempt to hold me in his arms. He agrees to my suggestion without a single word stepping out our room.

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Hey guys! and welcome back to my page, It's been too long but I'm glad to be back and writing something new for you all! I'm still editing ALL I EVER WANTED, but had this one is the works (in my head) for months and decided to start now. I debated on writing it and kept pushing it off, not wanting to direct my attention from my other book until editing and querying was complete buttt i soo badly needed this outlet to decompress the day. I've missed this and I've missed you!

If you are new....Welcome! I look forward to reading your comments and connecting with you! Please leave comments and feedback, I'm always looking for improvement.