June 2018 

It was a shitty cold night of June, in her apartment, the dull light that lighten the place up, came from the half-open curtains. It was mostly dark, no light was on as she was laying on the bed, for what I could have been hours now, just staring at the ceiling trying not to think. It has been a terrible day for her, not because of the fact that she had to attend an extremely rush hour in the café, where she was working now. But by the fact that she was completely worn out and yet, she didn't know how her mind had some energy to think.

Oh, what a constant agony was that for her. Replaying scenarios, re-checking the words on her mind, thinking about the what-ifs of each situation, and dealing with that feeling of guiltiness because, she could have done things better, that why dealing with her own mind, dealing with the negative thoughts was about to kill her. Her mind couldn't stop recalling the events from the last few months that drag her into that deep dark hole where she was now, where she could no longer see a way out of there.

Sabrina moved her head to check the clock near her bed, which was marking almost 2:45 am. The last few days had been the same for her. She tries as much as she could to wear herself out at work, to try to sleep soundly at home, but the silence of her house make the memories come back and wouldn't let her sleep.

Sabrina roll herself into the other side of the bed, where the constant annoying sound of the clock could no longer taunt her. This place was her deep dark hole, it was so quiet in here so utterly quite while inside but outside her window the fever of the first Friday night in June was still intact and it would be for hours.

She tightly clutched the sheets in her bed, while one tear makes her way down her face. That itchy hot tear, unchain all the pain contained from the last three days, once again she was about to start crying for hours. She couldn't stop the feeling event ought she tried so hard, for months. They say that once you hit rock-bottom there's one way up. But as hard as she tried, as much as she did, she couldn't find that way up.

She wanted to try to outthink the pain away. That why she tries to keep herself occupied with work, she was seeking that zero free time feeling, as she was trying her best shot to have a better life, little did she know that actually that only thing that she was doing was making her live an utter nightmare where she could no longer sleep soundly, to escape her reality. Usually, she just laid in bed knackered for all the work and when she closed her eyes everything was black... no dreams, no memories, no thought of what could have been just endless blackness, calm, and silence until she had to wake up and start all over.

The way she gripped the sheet made it impossible to determine where it began and where she ended. Sabrina reaches herself into a baby position, as one last escape to achieve numbness. So much to assimilate in such a short time, the pain caused in her chest was constantly growing not allowing her, for even once, breathe. She couldn't remember the last time she had breathed without feeling pain. After a while, her pillow started to feel wet and she realizes how far her tears had gone.

"Fuck," - she mumbles, moving away. She shakes her head hard and threw away the wet pillow. Then Sabrina pushes her body out of the bed and starts walking into the cold floor. "Fuck, fuck..." - she repeats with a broken voice. This time a painful sensation starts on her throat and by each second passing, the nod starts to feel more and more tighten up, until the point that her heart aches like hell and the air had some difficulty reaching her lungs.

Another panic attack was about to start. 'Not again, not now - she thought falling on her knees. In an effort to control herself she wraps her arms around her, breathing into numbers but that doesn't help. The pian was unleashed now and there was no way to come back from it.

A soft moan snaps her out of her effort, Brina's eyes elevated to a furry figure. "Blue..." - she mumbles. "Did I wake you? I did, didn't I? so sorry..." - she whispers to the dog, the golden retriever looks at her. "I'm so sorry girl..."

She was about to burst into tears once again, the pain was unbearable. Blue comes closer to Brina and she couldn't help to let her head fall into the furry dog and hugged her. At least she had Blue.

Blue, her furry friend was one of the few good things that had come from those nightmarish months and all because of one person.

All The Love.

xoxo