Time moves like maple syrup in the world sometimes. Scenes pass out the window of things I've never seen, but I felt as if the van and I were in a slow motion loop.  The radio played softly, mostly songs I didn't know and it wasn't helping to get my mind off things. My thoughts focused on the cellphone sitting in the seat next to me. It's my only companion and it's only conversations consist of a female voice spouting out turns coming up in a frenzy of tones.  It does nothing to make me feel less alone.

I want to call Kyle. If only to check on Buster who may think I dumped him. Which I'd never do. And what about Val? It's been hours now, is she still sitting there? And Kyle. Yes. I'm worried about Kyle. Not about trusting him. Of course I trust him, I left him Buster. But what if his father gets to him and pulls out all the stops and he decides not to come?  It was one thing when it was my choice to not ask him
to give up his life for me and the baby. It's another thing entirely if he chooses it for himself.

Before I get too deep into panic and anxiety the annoying voice leads me to a quiet subdivision me down a cute street with a cul-de-sac on the end. Children play on the sidewalks and the yards, while small, are all well groomed. I can imagine growing up here. I can imagine the baby I'm here for growing up on this street. With Vanessa's baby like a sibling, playing and living in a normal house with a mom who knows what's best for babies.

Except she won't. And that isn't best for her. I am. I know this. Deep in my bones I know she's meant to be with me. My father risked everything for her. And now, he's part of me and I'm part of her and we belong together. Maybe I'm not as wise as Vanessa about the science of it, but I can love. And no one will ever love her like I will.

The house is small and sky blue with a long porch and a wicker rocker that I can almost totally picture her rocking her new baby in. I park in the driveway and force myself to take a few deep breaths before I get out of the car. It's really happening, and as much as I knew it would, being here is a whole new feeling. 

The doorbell doesn't have a chance to ring because before I even get on the porch her door flies open and Vanessa is in sight. I stand still while she wraps me in a quick hug and ushered me quickly in the door. It smells of warm cinnamon and pine.  The whole house is warm and welcoming. It's filled with light and throw pillows and baby stuff is pretty much crammed into every crevice.

"How was the trip?  I'm glad you have a van, you're going to need it. She comes with a lot of baggage. They all do."

She sounds hyper, and I realize she's probably nervous, and thinking about how hard giving up Maddie must be.  I feel for her, but not bad enough to walk away.

"Can I see her now?"  I realize it's rude, I didn't answer a question or comment on anything she said. My heart is thumping though, and I just want to see what she looks like. I want to smell her for some insane reason and see if she smells like my mom or my dad. I know how unlikely it is, but deep inside there's a part of me that can't rest until I know.

Vanessa motions for me to sit down and she disappears into a room. Soft soothing song song words drift across the air and  my eyes wander the room. There are pictures of people smiling and Vanessa bright and smiling in the midst of them.  A large picture of her and my dad sits on the bookshelf. The same one he had in his office at home of him holding the  trophy they won when they received the genetic theory presidential award.

It's the first time I notice that my father looked infinitely happy staring at the trophy and Vanessa looked almost as joyful, except her eyes were on my father.

I begin to formulate theories about their relationship when suddenly she clears her throat and I snap my head around to see her heading back into the room with Maddie in her arms.

Everything in my whole world pauses as she places the chubby baby in my lap. She's bigger than I thought she'd be. And smiling. Her eyes a deep shade of blue fiercely staring as if waiting for me to react. Which I did.

Tears blur my vision and I kiss her chubby cheeks and inhale her baby scent. It isn't a flow of memories, it's something more. It's a deep and instant connection to something bigger. She is my family.  I held her and cried and snuggled until I finally remembered where I was and what was at stake. When I looked around the room Vanessa was no where to be found.

I carry my sister into the next room where I find Vanessa sitting at a tiny table staring out the window into the yard.  Words come, inadequate and clumsy, but I know I have to let them out. 

"Thank you.   I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Giving her up. And I'm so sorry for you, and her. But I can't think of any other way. I can keep in touch, if that helps. But.."

She lifts her left hand and places her right on her swollen stomach.

"It's ok Casey. I'm about to have a baby of my own. She was always temporary. I knew that. Your mom and dad were going to be amazing parents. You will too. And after some time, when it's safe, I'll be here if you need me." 

She's soft spoken and  kind and I know in my gut I should just say thank you and start packing things, up but my voice has other ideas.

"Did you love him, my father?"

Her eyes brim with unshed tears and the hand on her stomach widens as if protecting her baby from my words.

"More than I can say. But we didn't cheat. Your dad loved your mom. Always. He was loyal behind words. I didn't want to take the baby. I knew how hard it would be when he and your mom were raising her. But he gave me a gift in exchange." 

She rubs her round stomach rhythmically and glances again at Maddie in my arms.

"This baby is part his. And no, we didn't have sex. It was science. But I'll always have a little part of him to."

Somehow it helps. It helped her, and it helps me. It's incredibly sad to love someone and respect that they can never be yours because  they were someone else's. Vanessa is beautiful and intelligent and not that different from anyone else. Even genius people can fall for the wrong guy. 

I've  been here last than an hour but my body already feels exhausted. Vanessa gives me a warm cup of coffee and steers me to the table with the baby still snuggled tightly in my arms.

"I'm proud of you Cassie. And your dad was too. Now let's talk all things baby." 

She speaks and I listen. Schedules and folders of data and shot records and a baby book and a journal... she keeps adding things and words until everything is jumbling up into a mountain of noise.  As much as I should be freaking out I'm not. Maddie is real. Real, and sweet, and drooly; and amazingly, my heart felt whole. 

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So Cassie has her sister (umm self). Finally. And now to get to a safe zone where she will meet Kyle. Easy breezy ...(if only)