I could hear myself breathing. Wet and loud wheezes echoing in the silence while my skin tingled numbly like a limb that had fallen asleep and was trying to come back to life. Only I wasn't coming back to life; I was dying. And I was ready, completely and totally ready.

Even at this point I was grateful to be home. Not in a hospital bed smelling of disinfectant and old urine with people telling me to try this and think that. I was in my room. The music of Adele was softly playing in the background and my ever present best friend Buster lay beside me. His nose probably nudging my hand while he waited for a pet or scratch that would never happen. It's all I could do to breathe, but I knew, because I knew him. It was exactly as we had planned it, and everything was perfect.

Until it wasn't. Until my mother started to panic.

"I know what she wanted Joe. I know!!! Jesus, I know. You think I forgot? You think I don't remember what my baby wanted when she died? But what about what I want?"

My mother was losing it. I wished I could move my lips, or my finger, or any body part at all to make her feel better, but it was just too much. I wish I could at least shed tears so she knows I can hear her and I understand. This, this is the part that isn't fair. This is the part I didn't plan on.

"Shhh. Marci. It's ok. It's going to be okay."  My father's voice quickly appearing to try to diffuse her panic. "We knew this would be hard. I'll give her some more morphine. It's ok. We promised."

My dad was always my rock. When I had my first heart attack at ten, after a flu virus left me weakened and bacteria hopped in to attack my heart like a consolation prize, he kept me fighting. When I had open heart surgery for the third time at sixteen, he pulled me forward. He was always the calculating calm one in the room. I knew he could handle this. He was in charge of an entire government funded company with hundreds of employees. He could handle my hysterical mother.

"Stop saying that!! It's not going to be okay. My baby is dying. My baby is dying. Screw you, screw the doctors! I want one more day. Please Joe. Please. Forget the plan. We made the plan watching a movie Joe. A movie! Some stupid Hollywood director made it up. There was no real dying girl, no parents moving on. It's not okay! I'm taking her. You can't stop me unless you kill me. Kill me if you want. I'd rather be dead."

I feel her hands clawing at me, my body tilting and being dragged. This is so screwed up. I went through so much preparation. I even made her sign a contract to let me go this time. I made her swear. I showed her The Fault in Our Stars three times. I knew she was the weak link. I should have worked harder.

"Marcie. Think of our daughter. Try to think of our baby daughter. She's waiting to come home. She needs us. And one more day isn't fair to anyone. Be reasonable."

I had to give my dad props. I wasn't sure about the coming home, I was home. But I wanted him to win this one. I was just so tired. I had nothing left. Please God, if you're up there, help me.

The rain beat down. I knew I was outdoors. I could hear the car running, I could hear the rain pelting on the tin roof and I thought of that old Norah Jones song. The car door slammed and I could hear my mother sobbing and the squeal of the tires. Hurry up death. Damn you, I've done enough. I did my part. Come and get me.

My father continued to rationalize but the silence on the other end let me know he had already lost the fight. When mom shut down it was game over.

My breathing stopped and everything went dark. I no longer felt or heard anything. I'm sorry mom. I loved you. But I can't come back. I can't do it again.

*******************
This story has been consuming me offline for months. I wasn't intending to post it until watching the Wattpad 4 live chat made me realize something. I will update every Monday, today I'm starting with two chapters because this ones just a tease. Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Thanks to prose-punk , MarilynAHepburn , AdelynAnn for the Pep talk. You guys are my people and I love you!❤️. Sometimes you need a push off the ledge. Only the best friends would suffice!