She realized that her love for her professor was probably nothing more than a childish infacuation. She wasn't in love with him. She was in love with the thoughts that came with him.

Flashbacks of Disney Movies and Nicholas Sparks bookmade movies flashed through her brain as she wished to reach for his hand and clasp his. She longed for that love she had always witnessed as a young girl.

She wanted to be a princess but the truth was she wanted to be saved. She wanted to be rescued. But not from the dragon guarding her castle or from the evil stepmother. She wanted to be saved from herself.

From the demons that guarded her brain and her evil spirit haunting her every waking moment.

She wanted someone to see the life in her she thought had died as soon as the movies stopped rolling. The dream to be a princess failed to come the next night. And the love for herself dropped like petals from a flower.

I reread the chapter I posted on Wattpad which I never did. I never liked to read my work. Comments poured in- all questioning was the story an erotic love story or something more? Some complained that they had lost interest but by this point, I wasn't writing for them. I was writing for myself. I was writing to see if I had lost something in me?

When had I become so dependent on people? I, Marley Jane Winter did not depend on people. I didn't need people. I was always a happy child but now I wondered was I just a sadd teenager? I did not need a traumatic life changing experience to know that I wasn't happy.

The words I wrote in my novels were enough to prove that to me. Strength was attracted to strength and it went the same for weakness.

I did-however had a few readers who actually were in love with the new layout for my book.

Dear Author, why is she so troubled?

One of my readers asked me and I smiled bleakly to myself.

When I find out, you'll be the first to know.

Sage came over that night by surprise and at first I was relieved to see her face and then worried. Now a days, every time one of the girls and I would get together, they would drop a big bomb on me. So much was happening.

"SageEnraged." I whisper and the corners of her lips curve into a smile. "Hi Marley," She replies and steps in slowly.

"Are you okay?" I ask and she shrugs and walks past me to go up to my room.

I smile to myself as I felt a wave of nostaliga rush over me, this is how it used to be.

I walk up the stairs to follow her and find her laying eagle spread on my bed. "I wish doctors would understand what it's like to not want to eat." She says and I sit on my beanbag chair.

She was about to talk to me about her eating disorder.

She sits up and shakes her head in awe and runs her fingers through her hair. "They don't understand what it's like to not being able to eat. That your body because so equipped with the purging process that once you try to get better. You just vomit anyways. Or you feel full." She looks away from me and grabs a pillow, holding it like a person.

"I never thought I'd be a person to let society get to me. But it's so difficult when you look at these magazines that have the sexiest woman of the year and they're a size 3. Or when you watch the modeling shows and you have to be a certain weight. People broadcast that the only beauty or model worthy have to be a certain size. Then you see the very few shots of larger woman but it's not advocated. People don't fight for it. It's not awareness, it's not mainstream because it's not 'beautiful.'"

With each word her voice gets louder, her words echoing off the walls as she's explaining this to me and possibly herself all at once.

I say nothing, I wait for her to finsih before I give her the advice I wish to give.

"People will tell you, you're beautiful just the way you are but the rest of the world doesn't see that. You need to either have thick thighs or a thigh gap. A fat ass or a lean stomach. Big tits or long lengths. You can't be the in between when your stomach folds over when you sit. You can't have the love handles or any other side fat because that's not beautiful. You have to be tuck and tight..." Her voice trails off and she wipes the corner of her eye and I feel the inside of my throat close up.

She was right and that was the even sadder part.

"I strive to be beautiful. I want to hear those words, I want people to think it as I walk down the street. I want them to ask themselves 'Why doesn't model?' I want them to approach me in fear of my beauty." Her words choke up in her throat as her nose turns red.

She was about to burst into tears.

"It's a sick demented wanting but I want it Marley. I want to be that girl. Aryiana was always the pretty rich one. Violet was the smart one. You were the intellectual author and I was known for stuffing my face."

I listen to the gurgle that soon turns to a choked cry. I observe her lips as the quiver and her nose fills with snot.

"It's not a sick wanting Sage. A lot of girls want that. I don't blame you for the way you feel but the things I know..." I pause and scoff. "Sage you're beautiful. Society gives all the wrong labels, they get to decide what's pretty and what's worthy and thin but that's bullshit. Whether your thighs touch or your thighs collide, the beauty that can only be seen by worthy eyes..that's what you look for. If a man only wants what he sees on the television, he is not worth having because he's used to seeing the quanity not the quality. His eyes are blinded by the television lightening and altering. By the pictures he sees on social networks, but if you can see your woman sitting on the couch with a bowl of Ben and Jerry's on her lap and Cheetos next to her and you can call that gorgeous- that is the man you keep. You keep the guy who loves you without makeup. Without ass shots. Without breast implants. Without a lean stomach. But how you came. He can love you as you come or watch that ass while you leave." Sage finally looks at me with tender eyes and I press my lips together and sit over next to her.

I grab her hand and squeeze it tightly. "But you also have to realize. It doesn't matter if a thousand men tell you you're pretty...do you believe that you are? It's about how you feel at the end of the day because if all those men tell you you're pretty but one says you're ugly, who do you choose to believe? That one or that thousand? That's why it's up to you, because you need to be that one. And once you do...you'll be that girl...to yourself. That's what comes first." I slowly tell her and she wipes her nose and sniffles.

"But I don't love myself..." She admits and I feel my heart tear....having to hear that...having to hear the rawness in her words.

I know millions of other girls feel this way and I wish I could take all the pain away....I wish I had the correct words to say but I didnt. I just wanted to help in the way that I knew....listen...and give back.

"Date yourself first." I say with a sudden smile and Sage raises an eyebrow.

"Huh?" 

"Date yourself. Loving yourself is like a relationship. It doesn't start off with love. Just simply tolerating...then liking...then love. It takes patience and work like a relationship. Pamper yourself as you would pamper your lover. Orgasms and all." I add and Sage giggles and wipes her eyes and reaches over to hug me.

"I just don't know where to start. I want to get better...but....it's like I cant." Sage whispers and I pull back and push her hair back.

"You already started. You said you wanted to get better and that's what matters. Words have power. Start by telling yourself every morning, "I'm better." " I instruct.

"But I'm not." Sage says glumly.

"Not yet. Speak as if you already are. That's the emotional and spiritual part about rebuilding yourself back. As for the physical, you don't need to start by diving right into have a 3 course meal. Start with a small bag of chips, some of your favorite snacks or some fruit to be healthy. You don't have to have a big meal. Just start by getting food in your system and as soon as you start getting in the habit of eating snacks. Start eating cereal in the morning....something you like. The rest will fall together." I ensure her and Sage laughs as tears spring from her eyes.

"Thank you Marley...thank you for caring and not trying to label me." She says sincerely and weight lifts off my chest.

Relief.

"Anyone who tries to label you is beneath you. They're not worth the ground you walk on." I whisper and Sage nods and looks over at an open bag of pretzels.

"The road to recovery starts when you wish." I say, noticing her gaze.

"Jot this down Marley Jane, Sage Enraged, finished your whole bag of pretzels." She exclaims and hops up.

This gave me hope. If I could help her...maybe I could help other people too, including Aryiana and Violet.

~*~*~*~*

I hope this helped with some of you that struggle with eating disorders.

Also, regarding the wattpad meetup. I realize people don't like putting their emails down in the comment section so like other people did, please private message your email. If you have previously, can you please send it again, so i can group all the emails at once? Thank you so much.

Also, if you have ordered a tshirt. If we don't reach the goal which is 50 shirts, then your money will be returned to you and the shirts will not be sold. I should have planned previously before requiring so many. If you guys are interested in trying again, please let me know so I can lower the amount or something. 

Check out the first chapter of It Will Rain as well! 

This book probably ahs around 11 more chapters and then it'll be finished.

Thank you for reading thus far.

Love always and forever, 

flower