Author:

Critic:

|TITLE

- The title itself suggest that it is a romance novel. Short and simple. Just by reading at ay may makikinita ng plot ang readers sa kanilang isipan. However, I must say that the title is quite common. Mababawi naman ito sa execution ng kuwento even if the title is quite used.

|BOOK COVER

- The book cover is pleasing to the eye, font is readable and it shows the main character. That is already a thumbs up dahil aesthetically pleasing siya, but... it doesn't convey the message. We need to see the concept in the book.

|BLURB

-The blurb formula you used was correct, thumbs up for that. However, the first and second paragraph seemed to be redundant. I'll try to recreate it below:

Xiarra Tennese Levesque is one hard-headed girl. Always running in her own pace, and always believing in her own set of principles. If you haven't met a woman who loves too much catastrophe, then you have probably never heard of her name, nor how she steps on anyone's pride with just a few words from her lips until she met another disaster named: Kyron.

Primo Kyron Ford is the man you'll never want to converse with. Just like Xiarra, the man was known for wrapping his fingers over something he laid eyes upon. He was having a hard time finding something that would challenge him until his best bud offered him an obstacle that left everyone with astonishment: tame Xiarra Levesque.

From here, hindi naging klaro ang conflict. Bakit? Ang sabi kasi set-up, so alam ni Xiarra na laro lang ang lahat for Kyron. Pero bakit noong binasa ko ang libro ay pinalalabas na bantay lang si Kyron at hindi iyon alam ni Ziarra? And on Xiarra's type of character mukhang hindi siya papaya na isa lang siyang challenge for Kyron. I'll try to continue the blurb without altering the previous blurb too much:

None of them seemed to like the set-up, but what should they do about their prides? They can't simply back-out from the challenge, or one of them will truly lose. To avoid the possibility of throttling each other's necks, both came into one brilliant idea that would settle their feuds:

"Let's make a bet. Whoever falls in love will obviously lose."

Above, I'm not sure if it's enticing enough, but every element in a basic blurb is already inserted on paragraphs. Please make sure na maayos ang blurb though, maari kasing ma-disappoint ang readers kung malayo ang nakita nila sa labas sa nakita nila sa loob. And so far, maraming times na nalalabag ang mga description na naklalagay sa blurb dahi; contradicting ang nasa loob.

|PROLOGUE

- Napansin ko sa prologue ay napaghalo mo ito sa synopsis. Prologue should be written like a chapter, but is only used as a purely decorative element in the story so no need. Better if the prologue is eliminated because it is not really that necessary. So I'm suggesting na gawin na lang pong synopsis ang prologue at mas bagay ito as synopsis.

|PLOT

- So I'm gonna be frank. I couldn't grasp the plot even if I'm on chapter ten. So may ganito kasi: on the first five chapters, may makikita sana kaming plot and conflict so the readers would keep on reading. Habang nagbabasa...hindi ko ma-grasp ang plot na nararapat talaga. It doesn't quite justify "The Bet" nawawala ang title. Where's the bet between Xiarra and Kyron? Hindi siya ma-grasp. Hindi naman kailangan kaagad, but too many filler chapters that you can't see ahead. The main point of the plot was made on chapter eleven if I'm not mistaken which is sobrang malayo na. Too many filler chapters will prevent your story to move. The plot has too much potential dahil ang ganda ng character built mo. You just have to remove all the cliché elements and your plot will be a hit amongst adults. In this type of plot, it will be a hit kung teens ang target audience mo, but if it's adults, it may not be their type of story.

•Plot holes

- Chapter two napansin ko, na sinabi ni Xiarra na matagal na silang magkakilala ni Kyron. Pero biglang nagtanong si Kyron na: "Akala ko ba panlaban ka dati?" which may cause a hole. They've known each other since ten which means childhood friends sila, how come walang alam si Kyron? And one thing is, alam na alam ng nanay ni Xiarra ang about kay Kyron. How come? Please sort this out kung ano ang necessary sa plots or not.

-Hinayaang mag-isa sa bahay si Xiarra with a man. This, I find quite...not right. There is a strong argument about Xeus, but still, a man na hindi mo kaano-ano pero iiwan mo ang anak mo roon sa lalaki na iyon...I don't think it's quite right. Xiarra seemed to be pampered. Well, sabihin na nating gusto nila si Kyron, but come to think of it, hindi tama na iwanan mo mag-isa ang anak mo sa hindi mo kamag-anak. The plot has so much potential, but it really needs fixing in order to be bomb. Medyo maraming obvious holes.

-Meeting with Ms. Hayashi. Si Ms. Hayashi ang owner kako, not the dean. Automatically, she funds the school or something. The thing is, may dean naman ang college. Si Ms. Hayashi kasi, she's appointing him as president of the student council which is not right. Quite weak reasoning for me. Kasi may dean naman, if this kind of project was approved by the dean or hindi nakakuha ng objection from the dean, then start to doubt the leader of your school. Student council kasi, it encourages the students to lead a community. The school is training an individual to stand up for the community and to serve. Who knows, they might be building a future president and if they replaced the current president with a graduated man, then they might affect the student's way of leading dahil sa inexperiences na na-miss niya during college years.

Also, Kyron mentioned na magpapatayo siya ng isang firm, 'di ba? I don't think that you should bug a professional to do student duties when you can just encourage the students to stand up and lead. One more thing, the reason kung bakit pinatawag si Kyron sa school.

Nawawalan ng motivation ang students...not justified ang reason why. Was it because guwapo si Kyron, o sadyang magaling si Kyron? As an institution, it's their job to keep the students motivated. It's a school. There are lots of working professionals with degrees and I'm sure they have better ideas on how to lift up the mood. Maraming paraan. If they can't think of a solution, how come parents trust the institution to educate their children's minds when they can't think of a proper solution to motivate the students?

Please clear this up. Medyo maraming plot holes akong napapansin. Sort out what is needed in your novel and what is not.

|NARRATION

- I noticed na maramingtelling sa iyong novel instead of showing. Again, ano nga ba ang show and tell?

• Showing and telling

- Showing simply refers to how you'll show the readers about the character's movement without directly telling it. Telling refers to simply telling and no mix of actions. Because words such as:

• Saw/ nakita

• Heard/ narinig

• Felt/ naramdaman

• Etc.

Is part of telling lahat iyan. Paano nga ba tatanggalin ang mga iyan? I'll drop a guide below.

Telling:

With his brows forming a single line, he dropped the manuscript on his black office table and massaged his temples to lessen the lines engraved on his forehead. Trevor leaned on his swivel chair and gazed at the city's view while rubbing his lower lip, eyeing the birds passing by his windows.

Take a look at the underlined words. Mukha siyang showing pero ang totoo niyan, it's not filtered enough. Puro telling pa ang mga iyan dahil sa: dropped, massaged, leaned, etc. As long as ang katabing word ng noun and pronoun ay verb, telling iyon.

Showing:

With his brows in a single line, the manuscript locked on his long fingers were now clustered on his black desk. His palm flew to his head, fingers stuck on the veins that was staining his skin green. Trevor's shoulders curved, his back on the leather backrest, hand toyed with his red lips, and eyes on the catapulting pigeons.

How to eliminate signs of telling? Make sure that the word after the pronoun is not a verb. Take a look at the example above. Can you see the difference? Closely observe and you'll notice the gaps between the two. Iyong erasing all types of showing, it is also separating your readers' pov from your character's pov.

Try the article below. It would be really helpful in showing and telling but it will take time to study and master this technique:

Try to aim for more showing and less telling. More on body actions instead of thoughts.

•Transition

- The transition from one sentence to another was quite awkward and choppy. Also, you use more dialogues rather than narration in terms of transitioning to a scene. Tandaan, we are writing a novel, not an epistolary. More narrations ay suggested when it comes to this part. Maganda na gumagalaw ang story dahil sa dialogue, but too much dialogue will lose the imagery.

I really suggest that you use narration in order to shift scenes and while transitioning to other paragraphs and dialogues, try to add a little spice of narration so you could describe the emotions of the character. The dialogue may show it, but your exchange of dialogues can be quite exposing when you can just narrate it. Try to search on how to avoid expositions in dialogues. Sometimes, you have to filter if the dialogues are necessary or not. Like this example:

Above the clear glass framed with black was Trevor's reflection, wearing a long, burgundy coat over a white shirt and trousers with the same color. After a long day at work, it became a habit for him to hang out in a club during Fridays to release his stress by drinking until he's close to a wasted state. Luckily, he was still right in the head and have never gotten himself involved in an accident. It was not a good habit, but it was a deed that he picked up from a friend back in his college days.

Making sure that his shoelaces are tied, he slid his phone on his patch pocket, grabbed his keys, and paced towards their library where Mr. and Mrs. Bloodwood-his adoptive parents-usually work. The corners of his mouth slightly tugged upwards to greet the old couple and tell h-im his plans. His Old Man instantly nodded while his Mom was hesitant. Luckily, his dad got his back and convinced his mom, only with a few conditions: (1) be safe; (2) no girls; (3) and don't get involved with the police. For the sake of being free, he agreed to all conditions and left the house with a smirk on his face.

Closing the door of his car, his eyes scanned groups of friends being checked before entering the club. He followed their steps, got checked by bouncers and made his way inside the space filled with the musky smell of perfumes, and a strong mixture of sweat, alcohol, and cigars. The booming music was too good, he can't help but drag his gaze on stage, catching a familiar person. Recognizing the DJ, he closed their distance and sat on the nearest stool so she'd notice him with a smirk on his face.

-RPW Starter by Trevor Ashfort (Aphrodisia_11)

No dialogue needed. Just pure narration. If the purpose is character built, puwede mo na lang i-narrate iyon sa pamamagitan ng paghapyaw sa mga ito. Kunwari, may nakitang cake si girl. Naalala niya iyong unang cake na natanggap niya na sobrang ganda. We can conclude na:

She lived a not so fancy life and she may be missing the days kung saan maayos pa ang lahat. The readers may conclude those stuff which is ginawa mo naman noong sinabing puro boys ang friends niya. Though you don't have to say it, puwede mo naman na siyang ipakita na lang.

•Breaking the fourth wall

-Ano nga ba ang breaking the fourth wall? Ito ang tipong kinakausap ng character ang mga readers. Nagkakaroon ng interaction ang readersor ang author which is hindi naman dapat. Let's say we're in a book. Do you usually talk to your readers? Or maybe sa author? No, 'di ba? More on internal dialogue ka. Hindi naman kasi alam ng character mo na may nagsusulat sa buhay niya. Malay mo, ikaw, nasa book, alam mo ba na nasa book ka? No. Hindi mo iyon malalaman. Automatic, hindi rin alam ng characters mo na nasa libro sila.

•onomatopoeia

- Napansin ko kasi may HAHAHAHAH sa dialogues. Sounds are not completely forbidden lalo na sa narration, but when you can narrate it instead, you should. Katulad niyan. Hindi talaga suggested na ganiyan ang gawin mong pagpapakita ng laughing.

|FLOW

•Starting a chapter

- When you're starting a chapter, especially if it's the opening chapter, make sure to pick a dynamic scene that will keep the readers engaged in reading your novel. Something dynamic that will blow the readers' mind or something that will pique their interest. Suggested that you start it with the following:

Start it with an interesting dialogue which was never seen in any novels. Catch the readers with the first line and they will most likely want to find out why it was used as the opening remarks.

Example:

"This is your chance to make the Village Witch say great things about you, Sabrina. Her prediction might be wrong."

I almost snorted at the thought. The Village Witch would never be mistaken in her predictions. Once it is set, it is how everyone of your kind would look at you. Unfortunately, I am the curse to the dark elves and fairies.

"It's set. You can't change their view of me." I took a sip from my juice, the sweet pulp of orange exploded in my mouth as I savored the taste before gulping the liquid.

Dad held his hand in the air, mouth parted wide enough to speak when the maid interrupted, "Mr. &Mrs. Swiftrose, Sabrina's bandmaster is here." Nana Linda bowed her head, both arms gathered in front of her white apron, slightly crumpling the straight fabric stained with coffee.

"Let him in," was all Mom said before the door swung open, revealing my blond bandmaster wrapped in his green clothes and his iconic blue, polka-dotted puff tie to compliment his white dress shirt. And Mr. Nolan Blues wouldn't be Nolan Blues if he did not click his tongue after flashing his white set of teeth that glared whenever it's shown, and the movement of his eyebrows after the daring (disgusting) smile.

- Sabrina Swiftrose (A Fairy's Profile) by Aphrodisia_11

Start it with action, imagery, and the use of sensory details. Describe the setting of the scene along with some movements from the characters. Try to make it quirky so the readers would have a play in their imagination.

When we say action, we don't pertain to the action we see in the movies and stuff, it can be a simple drinking of tea, tripping of a snotty brat, or a man who was lucky enough to be standing beside a skank when it flabbergasted. Then add sensory details like how the tea's relaxing aroma calmed the senses of a woman looking like she just woke up paired with a formal red suit, how the eerie wails of the snotty brat made your protagonist covered his/her ear, and how the man smelt of a stale fish when he rooted his shoes beside you in a bus station.

Example:

In the middle of the winter where the land is blanketed by the snow sat a woman wearing a fur coat as white as the snowflakes that took different forms as it kissed the children's red cheeks. The woman had her shoulders squared, and her feet anchored on the white ground. Her face bore a soft smile that illuminated melancholy. The gloominess interjected the frolicking of the children on the streets of St. Galena who jumped with their sleds to crash upon a pile of snow. It was Miss Snow Ramirez, the woman whom I had an appointment with.

"Miss Snow," I called, making her brown locks bounce unto the brisk wind. Her hazel eyes soft as she beamed over my figure. It's been years since we last shook hands. And here we are, still running in the same field, but this time, we're equals.

"It's been a while, Sadie." A smile crawled her coral-colored lips as she extended her hand. I swung my right hand to collide with hers, creating a frail slapping sound when our skin made contact. We exchanged a few greetings and when I asked how life was, she answered: "As usual, Sadie, it was rainbows with white intersecting in the middle."

- Strongest Wavelength: Violet by Aphrodisia_11

For more details, kindly head over to the following link pasted below:

I am suggesting this site especially for writing.

(Sorry for the examples lmao. They might not be as enticing as it should be but that may be a basis.)

• Cliché scenarios

- I find some scenarios quite used like tumatakas sa klase, president ang male protagonist and such. Let's say marami talagang gumagamit nito, but give it a vibe that will separate it from the other stories. Kung nabasa mo na po ang Tripped ni Jonaxx, kay Riguel and Lilliene yata iyon, makikita mong noong nag-cut ng klase si Lilliene ay mayroong vibe na nag-angat doon. You see, the narration is elevated and the imagery is well built that it was far from other stories.

You see, build a good settings and character, you'll notice how those scene will elevate into something fresh. Your readers won't be able to notice that it was used or something they've seen in other novels. You don't have to change the scenes, you just have to build a good settings so the readers would feel how real the novel is.

For example, the male protagonist and the female protagonist agreed to meet at the café. How to make the scene elevated? Use their unique characteristics which is nagawa mo so good job, and also make sure that everything sounded realistic by building the settings well.

- Scene sa bar and scene sa clinic. Mayroon po ulit akong napansin dito na karamihan ay naggamit na. And I think the fact kasi na iniwan siya mag-isa ng magulang niya ay medyo cliché. Boto ang mga magulang, medyo predictable po kung bakit and hindi po maganda iyon. Use foreshadowing to conceal the future twist so may aabangan ang readers. Masiyadong nakikinita ang dahilan, there are possibilities and you have to conceal it better. Puwedeng gumawa na lang ng scene na botong-boto nga ang magulang (nagawa) at hindi na lang sabihin sa narration para maitago ito. Some scenes are really overrated that it might create plot holes and lack of realism.

• Storyline

Nakakalito ang storyline noong dumating ako sa next chapters after chapter one. Is the chapter one a leap in time? Noong president ulit si Kyron at hindi na siya nag-aaral doon? O President si Kyron at hindi pa graduated? Everything is quite messy sa timeline that it baffled me when the owner asked Kyron to be a president again. From there, nagkagulo-gulo na. And I can't get the vibe of the school. Isa ba itong college campus or high school campus? The vibe is quite different from college, but based on the vague descriptions, hindi ko masiyadong matukoy kung alin ang alin. It's really vague so I suggest that you use more narration to make the story clear. If Kyron graduated na kasi-nakalagay ito-nakakagulat pa rin dahil walang graduation ceremony and everything seemed normal.

•Shifting of PoVs

-When we are writing, multiple povs is not suggested. Lalo na at romance, mas maganda kung isang pov na lang ang gamitin dahil it might reveal a vital information if you're head-hopping. Kung head-hopping ang gagawin, better ang third pov. Pero hindi naman totally bawal, ang bawal ay kapag ginawa mo ito sa isang chapter. Ang magandang ginawa mo dito ay magkaiba ng speaking pattern ang dalawa which is necessary sa povs.

|CHARACTERIZATION

•Main character introduction

- First chapter. Medyo mabilis po ang mga pangyayari na hindi ko na masundan kung sino ang nagsasalita. The narration also lack imagery which will build the whole scenario. Masiyadong nagiging madali ang mga nangyayari na hindi mo makikita kung sino ang nagsasalita. Tandaan, hindi pa kilala ng readers mo ang mga character lalo na ang main character kaya dapat ay siya muna ang ipakilala mo bago mo pasukan ng ibang character. Make your main character stand out first and try to blend in the side characters one by one by giving them an impact that the audience won't forget.

Dati, we watched a concert. Iyong Rak of Aegis. The main character was very funny and she really caught our attention with her singing. Same with the leading man but I can see some inconsistencies in the acting for the second lead. Love triangle kasi sila. Si Aileen (protagonist), Tolits (Leading man), and Kenny (Second lead). Among all of them, si Tolits ang pinakamagaling umarte at pinakanakapagpapalakpak sa audience. Kenny was the one with inconsistencies. He did not strike me as much as the other characters.

He did had a lot of scene that can catch your attention, he was the second lead yet I did not appeal much to his grief when Aileen chose Tolits. You cannot sympathize with him dahil wala pang masiyadong pakielam ang manunuod. Now, let's compare it to your character: Xiarra. If Xiarra was not introduced properly, there is a big chance that the other characters will overpower her until the readers would care less about her. Kapag nasaktan si Xiarra, they might not be able to feel the same way that she does. What to do? Make sure that you will spend time introducing the main character then hop on to the next character.

• Side character introduction

- For side characters, you have to determine whether they're important in the story or not. Make sure that you will only give highlight to those who are important to the novel. Example ay si Hagrid from Harry Potter. He was introduced carefully and was given enough attention span since he had an important role that will move the story. To separate them from the rest, they also need personalities that could make them stand out. Hagrid has an irregular speech pattern composed of slangs, same with other side characters who had a potential to move the plot.

Para ka lang nasa teatro na side character, you only have one chance to show how unique your character is so make sure that your performance was detailed and you will catch the attention of the audience. Example, isang mangingisda sa play. If this fisherman suddenly acted in a comical way that separates him from the main characters and other characters, the audience will have a good laugh and talk about this man the moment they stepped out of the theatre.

Nakakalito kasi noong una. There are too many people speaking and I could not determine who's who. Why? Some of the speaking patterns are similar to each other. The side characters and the main characters are not introduced that it just scrambled to pieces. Lastly, the imagery wasn't so clear that the readers won't be able to imagine what they're doing. More on body actions, less on thoughts.

•Curse words

- Curse words might affect one's character. According to Rayne Hall, if your character curses a lot, it may hint that the character is dumb and could not express anger through intellectual words.

•Dialogues

- Medyo nagkakaproblema dito. Masyado na kasing overflowing ang mga dialogues na nakikita ko. Nawawala na kasi ang creativity ng narration at dumadami ang breaking the fourth wall na nangyayari sa story. Too much telling din. Also, some of the dialogues had the same speaking pattern that it was kinda hard to distinguish who's who.

Like her friends. If I remember correctly, it was Shan, Drei, and Xeus, right? Mayroon kasing kausap niya ang mga ito at sobrang nalito ako. Too much dialogues without tags can cause confusion especially if the character's speaking tone/pattern is not unique. Mayroon ding scene na medyo naguluhan talaga ako. I was reading and then akala ko mga babae ang kausap niya, iyon pala ay ang mga friends niya.

Hindi rin talaga maganda ito dahil nawawalan ng trademark ang mga character. Example si Xeus, may habit siya na pinapaikot ang pen sa daliri, puwede mong i-narrate iyon and sa next chaps, puwede niyang sabihing may nakita siyang pamilyar na bultong nagpapa-ikot ng tao-este pen sa kaniyang mga daliri. Iyon pa lang, kilala nan g readers ang nagsasalita.

Hindi rin po proper ang ganito lang:

"Dialogue," -Xian

"Dialogue," -Xeus

"Dialogue," -Shan

"Dialogue," -Drei

Take a look at international books as an example. Ito po ang magandang role model for books. Wala ka pong makikitang ganiyan doon. Hindi po iyan proper na gawin. Napapnsin ko rin na may similarities sa speaking pattern ng mom and dad ni Xiarra. Noong family conversation kasi nila, hindi ko matukoy kung sino ang nagsasalita.

• Xiarra- what I like about her is ang unique niya. Makikita mo talaga ang pagiging unique ng character niya while reading the dialogues. Her speech is not quite fit for a girl sometimes dahil medyo sigain, but since she grew up with boys, nagkaroon ng better background kung bakit ganoon siya magsalita which is a big thumbs up. During dialogues I can distinguish who's who and that factor alone will make your story stand out.

• Kyron- Kyron is rude, but based on the blurb he seemed so cunning. I think ito na ang may problema: ang blurb. Pretty solid on the tone, but the blurb the inside doesn't match quite well. Kyron had this kilig vibe which is good for impact, but he sounded like a cold man whom you want to respect instead of despise. Ganoon ang aura ni Kyron at hindi bastos na bastos katulad noong sa description. Good for it is solid, but it just doesn't match the blurb. Some of the readers might be disappointed dahil iba ang nakita nila sa libro.

And about him being a president, please check if this will move the plot or if this is necessary for the plot. It might not be necessary and would just create plot holes instead. I think removing this factor in a story kung saan school ang settings ay mas maganda lalo na kung i-cha-challenge mo ang sarili mo na hindi ginagamit aang overrated stuff like this.

Since graduated na si Kyron, hindi ba mas maganda kung working professional na lang ang gagawin niya? I'm sorry but I was very confused with the timeline. It was explained on the flow kung bakit ako confused sa timeline ng story. Before you put anything sa story, make sure that it will move the plot instead of dragging it down. Well, I don't know if you're familiar with 365 DNI but let us have a venture on the movie.

The movie was good for me in terms of erotica, but in terms of storyline, magulo. Why? Too much emphasis on romance that the fact na Mafia boss si Massimo ay hindi naisama. It's not emphasized. Like Kyron, dapat ang role na ibibigay mo sa kaniya as president ay maipakita mo nang mabuti. Make sure that any role na ibibigay mo sa character mo ay necessary lahat at mapapatunayan nilang lahat na deserve nila ang title na ito. Paano ba iyon? Simple. Longer chapters is equals to better character built. There is a proper word count for romance novels and that is somewhere around 40k in a book. There's a lot of space. Tanggalin lahat ng unnecessary and more on the real deal ang focus natin.

|TECHNICALITIES

• Nang and ng

- Napapansin ko kasi ay nalilito ka pa rito. Basta tandaan na kapag sinabing nang ito ay sumagot sa tanong na paano at gaano. I'll give you a guideline below:

-.Nang- verb and adverb

Example:

Verb: Hindi ko maigalay ang katawan ko nang talunin niya ang distansiya naming dalawa.

Adverb: Hinila ko siya nang malakas.

Adverb: Iyak nang iyak si Macey pag-uwi

- Ng-noun

Example:

• Uminom ako ng tatlong baso ng tubig.

• Additional

Nang ay pamalit sa:

- Noong

- Na+na

- Na+ang pero dahil may contraction, ganito mo siya isusulat: na'ng.

• Dialogue tags (said, answered, exclaimed, thought, screamed, shrieked, etc.)
- napapansin ko kasi ay mayroon ka pang kalituhan rito sa dalawa.
Example:

• "Hindi na kita gustong makita pa," sabi ko at itinulak siya papalayo.

• "Ano ba'ng problema mo?" tanong ko bago umalis na nagpapadyak ang paa.

• "Ang pangit mo!" sigaw ko at umalis na sa classroom.

Ano nga ba ang formula ng dialogue tags?

Declarative: "The dialogue (,)"+ lowercase (the first letter of the word).

Interrogative: "The dialogue (?)" + lowercase (the first letter of the word).

Exclamatory: "The dialogue (!)" + lowercase (the first letter of the word).

Paano naman kung nasa unahan?

Ganoon pa rin naman ngunit kailangan ay mayroong comma after ng dialogue tag, "At kailangan capital ang unang letter sa loob."

• Action Tags (laughed, smile, ran, etc.)

Ngayon naman, dumako tayo sa action tags! Kung sa dialogue tags ay puro oral, dito naman sa action tags ay puro verb or action words.

Example:

"Hindi ka nakakatuwa." Hinampas ko siya gamit ang kaliwang kamay ko.

"Hindi ka ba nagsasawa dito?" Nakapila kami ngayon sa cashier ng McDonald's kung saan madalas kami kumain.

"Nakakainis ka!" Binato ko sa kaniya ang dala-dala kong gamit na siyang ikinatigil niya.

Kung inyong mapapansin, sa action tag, kapag declarative sentence ay tuldok ang tumatapos ng dialogue at hindi comma. Ano nga ba ang formula ng action tag?

Declarative: "Period instead of comma." Capital letter ang una. ("The dialogue."+ Uppercase ang first letter)

Interrogative: "The dialogue (?)"+Uppercase ang first letter.

Exclamatory: "The dialogue (!)"+Uppercase ang first letter.

Paano kung nasa unahan?

Ganoon pa tin ang format. "Wala namang nabago pero dapat period bago ang double quotation mark."

• Fancy tags

Ano nga ba ito:

-inis kong sabi
-sarkastiko kong pahayag
-malamig niyang sabi
-atpb.

Iwasan po ang paggamit nito, instead ay gumamit po tayo ng action beats/tags. Hindi naman po sa bawal ito, pero iwasan. Bakit? Maaaring mabawasan ang creativity ng isang writer. Saka ang nadalas po kasing gamit sa dialogue tags ay laging sabi at said lang.

Imbis na:

"Huwag mo nga akong lapitan!" inis kong sabi.

Hindi ba mas creative kung:

"Huwag mo nga akong lapitan!" sabi ko habang dumadagungdong ang tunog nang nagpapadyak kong paa sa kahoy na sahig.

Actually mas maganda kung action tag na lang ang gagamitin mo at hindi dialogue tags.

•Apostrophe

- Apostrophes are used to indicate that the subject owns something or to state claim over what or whom after adding the punctuation before or after the s. Napansin ko kasi mayroon kang na-miss out sa bahaging ito. Katulad nito:

Xeus father< ito po ang nakalagay sa iyong novel. It sounded weird and it doesn't state claim over the next word dahil wala ang apostrophe at ang s. It should be: Xeus' / Xeus's father. Both are grammatically correct. Just remember, in order to transform a noun into a possessive noun, you must add an apostrophe and an s.

• Interrobang

-Interrobang!? Ano nga ba ito?!

Above is the example of interrobang o ang double punctuation. Isa lang po ang dapat nating gamiting punctuation. Mayroon po kasing difference kapag ginagamit iyan. Sa mga editors sa pub house, gumagamit sila ng ganito: !? Depende na lang iyan sa editor pero mas maganda kung isa na lang ang gagamitin mo. Isa-isa lang, h'wag tayong sakim-char.

Sa Interrobang kasi, mayroong mga mababago kapag gumamit tayo nito. Ito ay:

a.) ang pag-iiba ng ekspresyon ng character; at

b.) pagbabawas ng creativity.

Ano ang mababago sa letter A?

Who are you?(pagtataka)

Who are you!(gulat)

Sort out kung ano ba talaga ang dapat na ekspresyon. Pero connected iyan sa letter b. Kita mo iyong "Who are you!" kung saan ito ay patanong dahil kabilang ito sa WH questions. Paano nga ba ito na-e-express? Let's head over to letter b.

Letter b

May interrobang:

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo?!" sigaw ni Delia sa kapatid mula sa kabilang kwarto.

Walang interrobang:

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo!" Puno ng pagtataka ang mga mata ni Delia habang ang mga mata'y nakadirekta sa kapatid na hawak-hawak ang paa. Hindi niya maiwasan ang pagtataas ng boses dahil sa ingay na nililikha nito.

See the difference? Naka-apply dito ang concept ng show vs. tell kung saan ay hahayaan mong mag-conclude ang mga readers mo sa kung ano ang kinikilos ng characters. Pipiliin mo lang talaga kung anong punctuation ang gagamitin mo.

•Multiple punctuations and letters

- Hindi suggested ang ganito: Dialogue!!! and ganito: namannnn

^You can't do that po. Daoat isa lang ang ginagamit. It should be clean. You may just describe kung paano noya sinabi iyon like:

He said naman with an emphasis on the n. Ganoon po sana.

• Modern Filipino and Traditional Filipino

Walang salitang "yung, nung at dun", ang tamang gamit ay "'yong, no'ng/n'ong at do'n/d'on" dahil contraction ito ng iyong. Ngunit sa modern Filipino, accepted ito. Kahit ang Taglish katulad nang:

• nagsumbit/nag-submit
• nagrevise/nag-revise
• nagcritique/nag-critique
• etc.

Tandaan, kapag taglish ay mas proper na gamitin ang mayroong haypen, pati na rin ang mga contraction ng words which separates traditional to modern Filipino.

• 'yong
• h'wag
• gano'n
• do'n
• etc.

Mas tama iyan. Puwede kang gumamit ng moder pero iyong technicalities kasi ang problema kaya mas preferred takaga kung iyong Traditional ang gagamitin natin.

• Contractions

-Ano nga ba ito? Ito ay ang mga salitang pinuputol natin sa kasalukuyan para maging less formal ang dating ng speech.

Pa'no nga ba 'to gagawin?

Sa salitang ITO, kapag nag-contraction ka ay magiging 'TO. Bakit? Nawalan ng letra ang Ito. Kung saan nawala ang letrang "i." Ibig sabihin, doon mo ilalagay ang comma.

Word: Ito
Wrong: to
Right: 'to

Word: Puwede

Wrong: Pwede

Right: P'wede

Word: Hindi ba

Wrong: diba

Right: 'di ba

Word: Ayaw ko

Wrong: Ayoko

Right: Ayo'ko

• Caps lock

- May npapansin po kasi akong capslock na dialogues. Hindi po tinatanggap ng editor sa publishing house ang mga ito dahik hindi proper. Mayroong sigurong nakalalusot pero hindi talaga ito proper na gamitin dahil nakakasira ng creativity. Kasi ganito ang nangyayari:

"TAMA NA! AYOKO NA! HINDI KA NAKAKAINTINDI!"

- Dito, makikita natin na sumisigaw at nagagalit na nga siya, no tags needed kasi redundant ang mangyayari. Iyan lang, inbis na ganito:

"Tama na! Ayoko na! Hindi ka nakakaintindi!" sigaw ni Nathan habang iwinawasiwas ang mga kamay sa ere, ang mga ugat sa kaniyang leeg ay unti-unti nang naglalabasan.

Malaki po ang difference nilang dalawa dahil mas naipakita ang emosyon sa pangalawa at mas proper ito. Mas maganda rin pong ginagamit tayo ng body language dahil mas applicable talaga kung ito ang gagamitin natin.

● Capitalization

- Napansin ko kasi, mayroong ganito:

"May dialogue rito (walang punctuation na dapat mayroon depende na lang kung dialogue or action tag)" Then mayroong narration dito. "next ay ganito ang hitsura ng text. Walang Capital sa una. Dapat mayroon(may tuldok sana rito)" Ganito kasi, complete sentence ang naunang statement so you have to close it. The second statement is also another complete statement. Try to research about this for more information.

● Compound words

- There are compound words in Filipino as well like "halohalo, mayamaya, paruparo." The following words are compound words. Paano? Kapag kasi halo lang, it refers to the verb and not the foor. Kapag maya, it may be a name or the bird. Kapag naman paru lang, wala namang ganoong salita. Kapag kasi nilagyan mo ng haypen, ibig sabihin ay napaghihiwalay ang dalawang salitang ito. Like this:

Sabay-sabay

Puwede mong paghiwalayin ang dalawang iyan into sabay and the thought is still complete.

● Paggamit ng gitling

- Mayroon kasi sa Filipino kung saan gumagamit tayo ng gitlimg kapag may mga salitang: pag, mag, nag, etc. Ito lang naman ang dapat tandaan:

- Kapag vowels (a, e, i, o, u) ay mayroong gitling like: mag-iisip, nag-aaral, pag-aalala

-Kapag consonants: (b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, m, n, p, q, r, s, t, v, w, x, y, z) ay walang gitling like: maglaro, nagpunas, pagpunta.

● Abbreviation

- Napansin ko kasi mayroong sentence na prof lang ang nakalagay. Kapag may abbreviation kasi, dapat mayroong tuldok sa dulo like: Prof. Mr. Mrs. Ms. Dr. Engr. Atty. Basta tandaan na kapag abbreviated ang salita, lalagyan ito ng tuldok sa dulo.

● E and Eh

- In our speech these days, natuto nang gumamit ang mga Pilipino ng accent na "e" just remember na simple "e" lang ang tama at hindi na kailangan ng "h" pa. Kasi sa American naman ang "eh" na binabasa as "ey."

● Eh and Ey

- Napansin ko kasing ang ginawa mo sa English ay "ey" instead of "eh." Dapat "eh" ang gamitin mo dahil sa American, "eh" is read as "ey." May accent na kaagad.

● Numbers

- When we're writing a novel, mas suggested na i-spell out na lang ang mga numbers instead of putting it in the novel. There is such article na kapag ten and above puwede na ang number, but still, to be more proper, mas maganda kung spell ou na lang ang number instead of writing it numerically.

●Anong vs. Ano'ng

Anong= Ano na

Ano'ng= Ano=ang

Bang= ba na

Ba'ng= ba+ang...so on and so forth.

● Comma

Saan ba natin ito ginagamit?

1. Para putulin ang sentence (FANBOYS and conjunctions)

Ex. I love you, but you're not willing to love me back.

Ex. If he dies, then everyone will mourn for his death.

2. Para putulin ang sentence (Independent + Dependent)

Ex. I love lemons, because they're sweet.

3. Addressing someone

Ex. I know, Julia, but our relationship won't work.

Ex. Thank you, Angel

For more information, please refer to the link below:

Npapansin ko kasi, ang nangyayari, comma is a separator for thoughts and for actions which is not proper. You should just use period instead.

● Punctuation Marks

Period- used if the sentence is complete and is also written in the form of declarative.

Question mark- used for interrogative sentences.

Exclamation point- used for exclamatory sentences.

Em-dash- Ang em-dash ang katumbas ng (:) colon. Ito rin ay nagbibigay ng dagdag information ukol sa isang bagay. Example:

The glowing mushrooms lined at the riverbank that accompanied the fireflies' walk under the dome called sky-the palace for Luna and Astraea-was supposed to lighten my mood, yet no white wings would carry the despair in the abyss of my heart. (Sabrina Swiftrose by Aphrodisia_11)

Take a look at the sentence in between the em-dash. It emphasized the dome called sky. Sinasabing ito ay palace of Luna (moon) and Astraea (stars). Parang ito ay nagbibigay ng extra information about sa isang bagay. Kindly search about this po.

Napanasin ko kasi sa mga dialogues mo, lalo na sa mga walang kaakibat na narration, ay hindi ka gumagamit ng mga ito when it really is what you should do. In writing, same rules apply when we're writing an essay (technicalities) but the two may be completely different in terms of word choices. Articles and essays are more of formal, while creative writing can use playful words and such to give it a unique feeling.

• Pag-uulit ng salita

Laging tandaan na sa tagalog technicalities ay kapag mayroon tayong inuulit na salita ay lalagyan natin ng haypen sa gitna.

Example:

- Sabay-sabay

- Lagi-lagi

- Halo-halo

- Tabi-tabi

- Punong-puno

- etc.

Lagi tayong gagamit ng haypen sa gitna.

• Paragraph

- Always stick to the paragraph rule wherein you are to change a paragraph once you've reached the limit of 3-5 sentences each. Though you may have noticed some of the writers that cut their paragraphs even though it hasn't reached the limit of 3-5 sentences. Style lang naman nila iyon.

Katulad noong kay J.K. Rowling, Holly Black, at iba pang authors kung saan naglalagay sila ng isang paragraph kahit hindi pa ito 3-5 sentences ay may cut na. Napapagitnaan kasi ito ng dialogue at maaring ito lang talaga ang style nila sa pagsusulat pero always stick sa rules ng isang paragraph. Katukad na lang doon sa blurb kung saan hiwa-hiwalay ang nangyayari sa mga paragraph.

Paano naman kapag dialogue pero umabot na sa 3-5 sentences? Kung mapapansin mo sa books ay mayroong nga ganiyang dialogue. Ano ba ang ginagawa nila roon? Ganito:

"Ang paragraph na umabot na sa 3-5 sentences kapag dialogue ay walang close quotation mark. Bakit? Hindi pa naman kasi tapos ang dialogue at umabot ka lang sa limit kaya...

" Sa susunod na paragraph ay mayroong open quotation mark dahil patuloy pa rin ang pagsasalita at hindi pa nasasara ang naunang bahagi.

"Kapag kasi nilagyan mo ng closing ay ibig sabihin, iba na ang karakter na nagsadalita. At ngayon ay lalagyan ko na ito ng close quotation mark dahil tapos na magsalita ang character."

● Sila, Nila and Sina vs. Nina, and Kina

-Napansin ko kasi nalito ka rito. Kapag sila at nila, tandaan na laging singular ang tinutukoy at hindi sinusundan ng pangalan. Kung sina, nina, and kina naman, plural ang tinutukoy. So dapat, marami rin ang pangalang tinutukoy.

Examples:

- Nilakad nila ang daan patungo sa Quezon City mula Roosevelt.

- Kumain sina Jamaeia, Ashley, at Chelsey ng monay na pinalamanan ng strawberry jam habang may klase.

●Rin vs. Din

- Tatandaan, kapag R, ang last letter ng previos word ay nagtatapos sa vowels (a,e,i,o,u) saka kasama na rin ang (w,y)

- Kapag naman D, consonants naman ang last letter ng previous word. Kasama na rin ang (ra,re,ri,ro,ru)

• Grammar/Typography

- May mga napansin ako sa iyong novel. Some sentences may have grammatical errors and I will drop it below for you to analyze:

My self< ito po ang napansin kong nakalagay sa iyong novel. My self. Myself is not a separate word, it is a compound word so please check.

-Capitalizations- napapansin ko na mayroon ka pong mga nami-miss out na letters. Please type carefully so you ould control the typos. Like, sa chapter one ay imbis na (K)yron ay naging (k)yron. Please check.

- Please make sure that you are using the words correctly. Example: Nandiyan, ang nakalagay po sa inyong novel ay "Andyan" which is not proper. I suggest you download "Manual sa Masinop na pagsusulat na maraming lamang tagalog technicalities that will help you a lot.

- "This will gonna be fun." So I think it's more appropriate to use linking verbs (is, are, was, were, am) rather than modal verbs (will, shall, must, can, etc.). If you read it kasi, it sounded awkward. You should replace it with: "This is gonna be fun," or "This will be fun."

- Asking someone to help me on you. < medyo off ang construction of sentences mo rito. Try: Asking someone to help me change your mind. Mas klaro.

- Can you excuse me to him? < same here. Medyo off ang construction ng sentences. Try: Can you make an exception and excuse me in his class?

- (s)tates. Dapat po ay States. Capital letter dahil ang tinutukoy ay ang bansang USA at ito ay proper noun and not common noun.

- I bring her here. The correct phrase was: I brought her here. Bakit? Nandoon na kasi ang her. Present na ang tinutukoy and not the future.

- I promise you're laziness will be the reason of your bad day. It should be your since it's referring to Xiarra's laziness. Inaangkin ni Xiarra ang laziness. It's a possessive noun.

-He's handling me. I think it should be: His handing me. May inaabot kasi si Kyron. Handling kasi Managing, not giving which is more appropriate for the sentence based on the body actions and what happens next.

- You seduce him? I think it should be: You seduced him? Past tense since tapos na ang event na tinutukoy na angel dito.

- Nakinig should be narinig. Nakinig kasi= listened. Narinig= Jeard. Based on the sentence,more appropriate ito.

- Makinig. Marinig daoat based on the sentence built.

-Ub-ob. I think it should be subsob.

Marami pa po akong nakikitang mali sa technicalities, but hindi ko siya puwedeng isa-isahin. I ssuggest you go over it and proofread it before you edit, or maybe ask for proofreading services.

• Mixing of Tenses

Tandaan, sa pagsusulat ng story, isaang tense lang ang gagamitin natin. Past tense, or present tense. Just be sure to choose one, but past tense is recommended because present tense will look weird. Though I have seen present tenses that are very good. I think it's more common on a first person's pov. Choose one of the two tenses na gagamitin mo sa story, it needs to be consistent po kasi.

I can see na marami talagang mali rito in terms of technicalities, so I'm suggesting na humanap po kayo ng proofreader para mas maging precise ang mga magiging explanation niya. Also, I'm recommending Manual sa Masinop na Pagsusulat for more information on Tagalog technicalities.

|OVERALL

- I found potential on your story based on the character built, and I know this can do better. I know na mapapaunlad mo pa ang context nito lalo na kung tatanggalin natin ang overrated scenes na nakikita sa story. Whilst reading, ang dami kong nakitang errors not just grammatically, but writing itself. Especially in terms of narration, I'm sorry for the words but the narration is quite lazy. It's more on dialogues. Flow is quite nakakagulo para sa akin. Nasabi ko na iyon. Mayroong confusion along the way na nahirapan akong mag-explain dahil dito. Overall this needed a lot of improvements. You have to adjust the novel based on your target audience also as it will target more teens. Again, the plot has a lot of potential but a lot of elements are blocking it to be unique and pop to the adult world. That's all. Continue writing and God bless you.