Author: persephyx
Critic: myungjunjun

| BOOK COVER

Since 'In the night' naman ang title mo, parang hindi bumagay na bright ang iyong cover. Maybe consider connecting the cover to its 'night' theme. For the font, decent naman ang simple font na ginamit mo pero medyo plain ito and lackluster. But, nabawi naman ito ng red gradient na color ng font na ginamit mo kasi pleasing sa eye tsaka connected sa story.

| TITLE

Side Note: Consider capitalizing the 'n' in 'night' or even the 't' in 'the' para mas magmukhang proper ang title. It's still up for you as the writer.

In The Night. Three words, easy to remember, really simple and straightforward siya sa content ng story. The character is literally in her (or his, wala naman kasing nabanggit na gender but I'm assuming na babae ito) room during the night. It gives off a horror/mystery-ish feel kapag unang nakita ang title, so bagay naman siya sa story.

| BLURB

Please add on to your blurb. Blurbs are supposed to hook readers to your story. Oo, maikili lang ang iyong story, pero sure ako na may mailalagay ka pang additional info dito. Blurbs contain an introduction to the main character, setting, his/her conflicts, and stakes. Optional, but pwede ring maglagay ng cliffhanger question sa dulo. You know how to play with words so go, you can do it. Kahit two to three sentences lang na mas malaman pa.

| PLOT

The plot is subpar, at the very least. Iisa lang ang turn of events nito, which is the protagonist staying inside her room, electricity goes out, then she dies (?) because of a vampire. But, it's simple so madali lang masundan at maintindihan. Kulang pa siguro ng substance at content to provide justification sa mga nangyari. Bakit may vampire na gusto siyang patayin? Dahil ba doon sa banta ng kapatid niya? Kung babalikan mo pa itong story mo, maybe add more content, as stated above. Pero dahil nga one-shot siya, okay naman since it's a simple story to read.

| NARRATION

One thing I can say about your narration is you know how to play with words. At some parts, halatang may experience ang author sa ganitong klase ng narration: descriptive prose that flows smoothly when read. In other parts though, medyo nagiging choppy na. Napapdalas ang paggamit ng formula na "I + verb", lalo na sa later parts ng story.

Example:

"I shook my head in disbelief and r[a]n my hands towards my pocket to search for my cellphone. I took out my cellphone."

As an English story, it resembles stories written by international authors naman; may vocabulary ka rin na medyo malawak na nagamit mo rito. Sa ending part ng story, nai-showcase naman ang tension at ang fear ng protagonist, so good job! Dagdagan na lang ito ng details pa para mas gumanda.

• Fancy Tags: Basically, dialogue tags that tell the emotion instead of showing.

"Someday... you'll realize that being with us is more important than that money of yours!" [s]he said bitterly.

Dito, sinabi mo na lang na 'bitter' ang pagkakasabi. Maybe, it would be better kung sa facial expressions, actions, or even alternative tags such as 'she spat out' ang gagamitin mo to convey bitterness.

• Redundancy: Nabanggit ko na ang isang part nito, which is the constant usage of 'I'. Ang isa pa ay ang paggamit ng 'suddenly' three times consecutively, pati 'yong 'as'.

"My mind became hazy as my..." and many more.

Think of other words na lang din or rephrase the flow of the sentences.

| FLOW

Balanced lang naman ang flow, hindi gaanong mabilis o mabagal. Napapahaba ito ng semi-descriptive narration mo. For a 600-word one-shot story, hindi naman siya sobrang bilis para sa akin since you managed to somewhat immerse readers into the story. Bitin nga lang. Nasabi na rin sa plot iyon; provide more content to justify the story.

| TECHNICALITIES

Your writing is clean, I can say that. Pero mayroong mga bagay na nakakalusot pa rin. Here are those:

• Dialogue Tags and Action Tags: Tatatlo lang naman ang dialogue mo rito, so I'll just do a quick rundown. Dialogue tags describe the dialogue (she said, he asked, etc.) and they are always lowercase. Periods are also replaced with commas. Action tags are basically just other sentences; they can be the actions of characters or the protagonist's thoughts.

Corrections:

Dialogue Tag

"...than that money of yours!" [s]he said bitterly.

Action Tag

"I came to eat you alive..." [H]e's a vampire.

• Mixed Tenses: Please pick one tense lang for your story. I've observed when you changed things up, and for the most part, okay naman ito. Medyo may part lang sa dulo na hindi na umakma. Siguro, pili ka na lang ng isa, either present or past.

• English Grammar:

1. Iisang word lang ito pero 'yong naglagay ka ng apostrophe for a plural (event's). Typo lang siguro ito.

2. Subject-verb agreement po. May times na plural form ng verb ang nagagamit sa singular noun.

3. May mga missing words sa ibang sentence katulad na lang ng:

"When [I] open my laptop the lights..."

4. Kulang ng commas ang karamihan ng sentences mo:

"In a dead tone[,] the person spoke behind me."

"When I turn my cellphone on[,] suddenly[,] a loud thunder..."

5. Part na nag-double ang past tense:

"...her words would never left [leave] my head.

| OVERALL

As I said above, bitin nga ang story. But I love the way you narrate/describe things since nagkakaroon ng buhay ang story. Malinis ang story with some few mishaps. It's a short read, but kind of satisfying. Ayon nga, you did a great job on this one. Kudos po. Keep writing!