Queen Raeanne

I rest my eyes for a moment while rocking Charlotte to sleep only to feel her slip from my arms. Her wails as her little head smashes against the floor wake me out of my sleep. "Oh god. Oh god oh god. What have I done?" I ask myself, Michael pushing the door open the instant I reach for the poor baby.

I clutch her as close to my body as I can physically manage. "Mommy is so sorry. I am so sorry."

"What happened?" Michael stands in the doorway, stunned, trying to process what he thinks might have happened before he walked in.

"I- I think I fell asleep. It was only for a moment, I swear it." I cry, sobbing at the thought of injuring my child. "Oh god, is her head okay? Come look!" I examine her head as best I can.

Michael cradles her head in his hands. "I do not see any wounds. She seems fine." He sighs. "Are you alright?"

"Me?" I was not the one dropped on my bloody head!" I gasp. How could he not be more concerned about me dropping our baby? "God, I am a terrible mother. He is punishing me, but for what? What have I done to deserve this? What has she done to deserve me as a mother?"

Michael pulls the child from my arms, setting her down in her crib.

"She is still crying." I inform him as if he is not aware.

"She will be fine. Come here." Michael pulls me close to him, enveloping me in his arms, inviting more tears to my eyes.

I cry and I cry and I cry. Then when I think I am finally done, I cry some more. I cry until I am dehydrated and physically unable to continue.

"I am worried about you, Rae. I really am. Since the twins were born, you have rarely been yourself. You are overworked and under-rested. And I don't know how to help you because you won't let me try." Michael strokes my hair.

"The things you want to try, the solutions you give me, they are too scary for me. I do not want to go down those paths." I cling to him.

"All I am asking is to have someone else help us. Help you. You are taking everything upon yourself and it is too much." He continues. "I think we just need someone to come in here and help out a little. Change some diapers, read a bedtime story, help change Henry's bed when he has an accident."

"My mother did not raise me. Nanny's raised me. Kitchen servants raised me. Calum raised me! I only look back at my childhood with contempt. I do not want that for my children. I want them to know their mother did everything for them. I want them to know I gave them my all. If they ever look at me the way I looked at my mother- I- I would rather die." I explain some of my issues with his ideas.

"Our children will never compare you to your mother. You are nowhere near similar to her. You love your children and it shows. Which is precisely why I think you need to accept help. I am not asking you to abandon your children or let someone else raise them completely. That is not what I am asking of you. I am simply asking that you allow yourself some help. You are going to burn yourself out. You dropped Charlotte because you are exhausted!" Michael explains. "It doesn't have to be all the time but I do believe it is necessary."

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