(CW: mild descriptions of a panic attack, encounter with a past abuser)

i saw you dancing in a crowded room
you look so happy when i'm
not with you

wooyoung san

01.09.17

the taunting figure in his nightmares and the shadow haunting his dreams has a name; it's park junhee. a boy, now man, who san had once thought himself to be in love with.

he had been wrong, of course, as he often is - after all, what did a naïve fourteen year old vying for attention know about love? all he had with junhee was a delusion of ignorance, a trap he'd found himself unable to escape. the web of insidious dissimulations had led a younger, more gullible san to believe those deceptions he then called love.

eventually, junhee had ripped it all apart, and san too. destroyed what pieces of san he had rebuilt after san shattered the first time, he lost everything again. san still likes to think they had been in love, because maybe that's just easier. easier to think that junhee had actually loved him, even a tiny bit.

and now he's back. after almost four years of no contact or explanation, junhee had called him. all san knows is that he loved him once (or was it the idea of him?), and junhee had pulled him out of a dark place (it was short lived— he put you back in a worse one). the nagging voice in his head reminds san he had become the dark place. just thinking of him causes a prickly feeling to creep through him, uneasiness making him unsteady.

pulling at his shirt, san swallows anxiously. it's difficult to remember that he isn't fourteen and helpless anymore. that he isn't locked in his bathroom, staring at his terrible reflection like a drunk corpse reminding him startlingly of his mother. he wants to tell himself that junhee has no power over him anymore. but part of him knows that's wishful thinking.

laying on his back staring at the ceiling, san realizes he hasn't moved for quite some time. he feels heavy, unwilling to carry out even basic tasks. he's been staring so long, the uneven light and hazy shadowing has begun to form shapes and faces, little designs bouncing around in his vision.

dragging himself out of bed sluggishly, san decides to call seonghwa. whether or not he tells his friend about junhee does not matter- he just doesn't want to be alone. being alone with himself isn't good right now; he knows that much. he can't be.

san eyes his phone where it sits patiently on the bed side table, hating the fact even this colloquial object reminds him of junhee. shaking himself out of it, he grabs the phone in annoyance with himself. this is getting out of hand.

it only takes a few rings before seonghwa answers, and san is surprised at how relieved he is to just hear the older's voice.

"what's up?" he asks, and san hears background commotion and incoherent chattering.

"uh-" he clears his throat, trying to sound less choked up. "are you busy?"

"nope," is the reply, and san silently sends thanks to up above. "just hanging out with yeosang and the guys."

shutting his eyes momentarily, san takes a breath, hating the feebleness in his voice. "do you, uh- do you mind if i join you?"

the split second of hesitation slices through san's soul. "no... but wooyoung's here too, san."

"oh." he answers, the discovery actually putting him off slightly. "that's okay, hwa. i just want to see you guys."

seonghwa hums in acknowledgment, saying something offhand that san can't make out, probably to yeosang. "are you sure you'll be okay? jeju was a mess, san. for both of you."

as if he has to be reminded. "i know." he replies shortly, hesitating before asking, "is... is hongjoong there?"

seonghwa sighs, saying something again out of san's hearing range. "no, san. he's not here."

unjustified relief floods him, and for the first time in a while, san finds a smile tugging at his lips. "just tell me where you guys are. i'll be there soon."

seonghwa does, and san is pleased to know it isn't far; a little café close to the ice-cream shop he had once taken wooyoung to.

back then, the blind boy had been oblivious of san's intentions, and he had reiterated flirtatious jests almost every day to make the boy aware. part of him wonders if he would do it all again if he could go back, knowing he'd fall in love with wooyoung and it would turn out this way.

san almost laughs; today is certainly not playing out to be incredibly cheerful. perhaps his friends can take away some of his depressing rumination. just now is he beginning to realize the importance of having those relationships; he had never had many friends nor wanted them growing up, and that hadn't changed when he first attended high-school.

arriving at the café, it isn't hard to miss the group he's joining. they're zealous and loud, a generally cheerful vibe radiating off of their company. even the cracked pavement outside of the café is unnoticeable when his attention focuses on them.

on him.

wooyoung is laughing, the sound easy to single out and hear separately from the rest of the noise. it rings out authentically, twisting his chest infectiously. it's ridiculous, and frankly awful, but he loves it. if san could bottle up that sound and get drunk on it every night, he would.

looking at him then, head thrown back and blonde hair windswept, wooyoung looks happier than san has seen him in a while. it's funny how he only seems that way when he isn't with hongjoong.

looking at him, blue eyes sparkling and shifting whenever he picks up on sound, san should resent him. he should be feeling anger, or sadness, when he remembers wooyoung's groundless rejection. but he cannot  find it in himself. it's as if it is physically impossible to feel anything but love for wooyoung. that feeling is tumultuous; a tornado in a hurricane coupled with a train crash, and something he had never felt with junhee.

san can enter the café confidently because of that; whatever he once felt for junhee is entirely different to what he has with wooyoung. what you had with him. yeosang catches sight of him first, nudging seonghwa who is next to him. his friend's soulmate is freakishly perceptive, often making san shifty beneath his calculative gaze.

in his casual attire of a rumpled white t-shirt and unzipped hoodie atop fitted tracksuit pants, san probably looks a little more disheveled than he usually does. not that his appearance is ever particularly meticulous, but something in his face obviously betrays him, because seonghwa frowns in slight concern. perhaps it's his uncharacteristic enthusiasm.

he gives a comical wave and salute, making an effort not to let his gaze linger on wooyoung for too long. "your savior has arrived! the hot and funny one is here."

judging by the double take wooyoung does upon hearing his voice so suddenly, san figures the pair of soulmates had neglected to inform their friend of his requested arrival.

"you're certainly a comedian." yeosang responds dryly, breaking the ice. san gives him a cheeky grin, knowing that everything seonghwa knows about him, yeosang probably does too.

yunho and mingi shuffle up to face wooyoung and yeosang, leaving the seat opposite seonghwa (and furthest from wooyoung) for san. he flings himself down gratefully, just wanting company for as long as possible.

"you're acting strange." seonghwa observes, narrowing his eyes.

"am not." san denies with an eye roll, making a gesture that hopefully says 'moving on please'.  "what are you girls talking about?"

mingi kicks him under the table, obviously not appreciating san's joke. he jokes when he's nervous and covering up his feelings, so there will be no end of them today.

"the back to school dance," yunho clues him in matter of factly, edging forward in his seat. clearly this event means a lot to them, so san would do his best not to zone out or showcase his disinterest.

"wooyoung's obviously never been to one, so we were outfit planning-" mingi explains, the rest of his explanation white noise.

bitterness resurfaces in san's chest. he recalls his little sister's eagerness and determination to one day attend a "prom", to graduate, to live her life as wholly as anyone else. he looks back at the memory of her smiling face as her fingers skimmed braille fondly, the way her legs kicked excitedly when san described the grandeur and sparkles he sees in the movies.

he does not deserve to be the one to live, the one to go to the dances and live out her fantasy. san's fists grip the material of his sweatpants, the nausea returning.

"yeah, dances aren't really my thing..." he announces his disinclination apathetically, ignoring the others' exclaims of disapproval.

"it's okay, san. no one will miss you." yeosang assures him sweetly, and san returns his slick smile.

i know, he think. yeosang's joke hits him a little personally. being wanted isn't really his gig.

san's eyes are focused on the table, and when he looks up, a jibe of unsuspecting terror shoots through him. the waiter who had just come over is awfully familiar.

"oh? is that you, san?" park junhee inquires, feigning surprise. san freezes, staring. he can't move. the male has definitely aged- he's grown fully into his fox like features, but he is familiar nonetheless.

but why is he here? "you two, uh... you two know each other?" yunho questions when san can't find his words, sounding unsure.

"h-how-" san manages, stumbling over his own tongue. everyone else just seems confused and expectant. he wants to be swallowed whole by the ground.

junhee laughs. a frightening, crystal sound that causes his throat to tighten. he can't breathe. "we do! san's probably embarrassed to tell his friends about me. i'm one of his exes."

"huh." seonghwa comments, leaning back in his chair. "didn't know san was into older guys."

i'm not! san wants to shout, but words won't come to him. not even air will. junhee is fooling them all with his charm, and san has not told anyone but wooyoung about him, but even then he hadn't mentioned his name.

"i imagine there's a lot of things you don't know about him." junhee gives a twisted smirk, making eyes at san.

san watches wooyoung, who has still not spoken, not since san arrived. the blonde is visibly tense, his face twisted uncomfortably and expression unreadable. meanwhile, junhee watches san, eyes flickering between them.

"are you done?" wooyoung suddenly speaks, surprising the rest of the table. "no one wants to order anything."

junhee seems to take this as a challenge, recognition and grisly amusement fluttering over his features as he registers their dynamic. "actually-"

"he's done." san interrupts, getting out of his seat with more stability than he feels. "i'll talk to him alone. you guys can go back to your stupid little dance."

his reaction seems to satisfy the older, who gestures for san to follow him without letting his feline smile drop.

"how's your sister, san?" he asks cheerfully when they are out of earshot, glancing at san with glittering eyes.

"why- why would you ask that?" he stutters, anger seizing him. "you know she's dead."

junhee clicks his tongue, ruffling san's hair. he flinches, dodging away. "i know, i know. i just love getting a rise out of you. it's so damn cute when you get all worked up and teary like that~"

san steps backwards, despising his powerlessness. this subordination. "why are you here, junhee?"

"just checking up on you." he winks, greased hair shifting as he tilted his head. "you've certainly grown into yourself, sannie. is that muscle?"

junhee's hand on his bicep sends another cold ripple of sickness through him, and san glares as he rips his arm away.

"feisty!" junhee teases, hands sliding down san's sides to his waist. "hm, no. you still have such a lovely waist, like a girl's."

"get off me." san growls firmly, trying not to let the panic show in his voice.

"oh, don't be like that!" junhee tsks, smile faltering. "we used to have fun, remember? i'm still your soulmate, sannie."

san shakes his head. "you're not. that was just another lie!"

"how can you be so sure?" junhee continues the rouse, loving the game. "is that why you haven't checked the name yet? you think it'll be me."

san does not answer, a chill settling over him, and junhee laughs wholly. "god, san! i still have this much power of you. it's quite sad."

before san can retort, the older waves goodbye at him cockily, leaving him standing alone near the café's bathroom entrance. it's always that way: junhee decides when a conversation starts and where it ends. he controls everything.

san's back hits the wall, his breathing uneven. suddenly, he's that stupid, helpless kid again. nothing has changed.

and around the corner, an eavesdropper taps his way over to san, unable to help himself.

"san..." wooyoung starts, those blue eyes so concerned, so eager to assist. san burns and brims with hatred, nails digging into his palms as he attempts a breath, the noise raggedly strangled.

"fuck off," he manages, sinking to the floor. there's no oxygen when he looks for it, his chest heaving and tightening and bursting. head in his hands, san curls himself up, glueing his eyes shut tight.

"let me help you," wooyoung's voice is radio static, volume turned almost all the way down.

"you can't! just- stay- away from me." san gets out, bringing his hands to his ears instead.

"why?" he's innocently moving closer towards him, concerned, reaching out. "let me help. we're friends-"

san rips his hands off of his ears, whipping his head up, vision blurred with tears. "don't do this to me. it's not fair."

he's fucking hysterical, worlds away, and wooyoung is frozen, half kneeling down. "but i care about you-" he tries, and san recoils.

"don't." his voice cracks, the last of his energy going into the plea.

it's too unfair, too confusing, for wooyoung to say he cares, when he knows san loves him. don't give me hope.

"i'll get seonghwa." wooyoung says quietly, and san's hugging his own chest again, pulling into himself as he body racks with the attempts to breathe.

anyone but you.

-

my 😃 heart 😃 hurts 😃

i have exams next week and i wrote this instead of revising dkdjks probably gonna fail😚

just some san character expansion:)) dw woosan development soon! i have most of the book pretty much planned out to the end now

xxx

edit: i actually cried this time haha but omg y'all we're back on track to the last chapter i left y'all with before rewriting

and update didn't fail!! yas slay the house down pussy girlboss queen