third person

27.06.17

silent panic grips wooyoung in the car ride that follows, his eyes wild, pupils dilated, heart racing and brain on fire like a cluster bomb's busy exploding within, turning it into a mental soup of conflicting instructions. 

san is driving, definitely faster than wooyoung thinks is legal. he left as soon as the maniacal blonde boy explained to him hysterically what yeosang had told him over the phone.

sitting in that car, it felt like the brief journey was an endless eternity he would never know the end of. he said nothing, chewing his lip nervously and  tapping his knee irregularly. wooyoung has no idea what had happened, how bad it is or if his aunt is going to be okay, and the lack of information is driving him insane.

these days his aunt is the only one there for him, and another thing he does not know is what he would do if he lost her. his parents are alive and well, yes- living their purposeful affluent lives dedicated on traveling the world to find a prognosis and cure for his blindness. out of love, surely, but their fixation only makes him feel more of a burden. like there's something wrong with him they have to fix. the search for their goal consumed them to the point they'd lost connection to their son.

when they finally arrive at the hospital, all wooyoung wants to do is run to her, deeply detesting his circumstances for the fact he cannot. san has to help him out of the car and lead him to the destination he can not get to himself, deepening the infrequent animosity he holds for his blindness in situations like these.

wooyoung's leaning heavily on san's shoulder as they hurry together, feeling like he might fall apart. against him, san is tense. he hasn't spoken since they got in the car.

walking through the doors into the reception, he can feel it, building like an unstoppable avalanche in the pit of his stomach. he can barely concentrate on anything else that he's doing, the sharp smells of antiseptics cutting into him and dominating his senses. the next step is his heart starting to beat faster and faster, sweat dampening his palms as panic chokes his throat.

"it's going to be okay." san's voice sounds softly next to him, in attempt to calm him down, not having left his side. (not that he could've since wooyoung would quite literally be lost without him).

the blonde shakes his head, unable to talk in that moment, desperate to know his aunt's condition. today had been a good day, so why did this have to happen and ruin it all?

"wooyoung!" the voice again belonged to yeosang, this time not over a phone call but coming towards them.

"g-got here as fast as i could." he manages, head jerking around aimlessly until the brunette steadies him with his hands on his arms. "w-what happened?"

yeosang sighs, and wooyoung hears san back away, leaving him to stand on his own. he assumes the two had aggravatingly shared some sort of non-verbal private exchange.

"the school called," he explains slowly, and the blonde gestures for him to hurry up. "because you weren't in class. so your aunt- she came driving there thinking something had happened to you-"

wooyoung steps back, tears beading in his gleaming blue eyes. "no, no..." he whispers under his breath, the avalanche turning to guilt like gasoline in his gut.

your fault your fault your fault-

"there was a car crash." yeosang finishes, and the blonde is pressing his hands over his ears, his insides dying slowly in the toxicity, needing no more than a spark to set them ablaze. "she was rushed here in an ambulance. they're operating right now, so you'll have to wait-"

wooyoung's eyes squeeze shut as tears spill over his cheeks, the fire burning him out badly, manifesting within as he concludes the facts. this is his fault. his aunt would never have gotten in the car today if he hadn't gotten in to choi san's car. stupid, stupid, stupid! why did he?

he gasps for air, stumbling to a chair with yeosang on his arm. he shrugs him away; the feeling of someone touching him right isn't good. it's uncomfortable, and everything feels like too much.

"wooyoung," it's san's voice, and wooyoung's eyes flash up to the direction it came from. he wants to blame him for taking him out of school today. but he's the one who agreed to get in the car. san didn't force him.

"this is all my fault!" wooyoung gasps out, grabbing his shoulders, shaking san weakly. "if i hadn't gotten in the car with you-" he broke off with a sob, and san maneuveres him to sit down.

"why did i get in the car with you?" he questions pointlessly, ceasing to pull and shake and blame him and instead putting his face in his hands. the air is not coming into his lungs the way he needs it to. "why?" he repeats more quietly, dropping his head onto his knees.

it's hard seeing him suffer like this. san wants to comfort him, because he reminds him of himself right now, but everything about this situation is too familiar. the hospital. the guilt.

and he's torn up inside watching the blind boy suffer there because of him, and can not bare to watch it much longer. he turns away, expressionless countenance set in stone. all he wanted was to get the obstinate blonde to fall for him,  (right?) to melt beneath his touch and shiver under his words. so that san could have him how he wants. he didn't want things getting messy; this is messy.

"where're you going?" yeosang questions, seeing the raven haired making to leave.

"out." san sneers, eyes shifting barely noticeably. "i brought him here, didn't i? this has nothing to do with me." the sneer is directed at himself. he hates himself in this moment.

"you're his friend." the brunette counters confusedly, and wooyoung doesn't lift his head. "surely after spending the last two weeks together you'd feel some sort of sympathy."

"i don't think he wants me to stay." san replies, examining his nails nonchalantly. it's the truth. and he wants to respect what wooyoung wants.

"that doesn't mean you shouldn't." yeosang's beginning to get on his last nerve.

the dark haired shrugs one shoulder like the matter is out of his hands, and strolls out of the too white too bright too clean hospital before wooyoung's friend can say any more. he doesn't want them getting the wrong idea.

because san doesn't care (right?), however fallacious the notion seems. sure, jung wooyoung's blonde and blind and gorgeous, a captivating combination san craves to get his hands on, but being an inconsiderate beguiling jerk helps him to get through life. if there is one thing he has learnt, one thing that has been drilled into his subconscious by a forceful hand- it's that caring got you nowhere. would get him nowhere.

when he gets into his car, adjusting the rear view mirror, he catches sight of his own reflection. pristine and alluring. blank and unscathed. no bruises. he sees the tightly bound material around his left forearm beneath the hand that is holding the mirror, causing his stomach to turn over.

san's eyebrows furrow as he bumps into a roadblock of sorts in his mind, fishing for a memory he can't quite grasp. he is unaware of what he was forgetting; there is the hint of something close yet hidden, but he's unable to fathom in that moment what it might be.

so he ignores it, breaking eye contact with himself and releasing the mirror, unsure why his throat feels so dry. san's never liked hospitals, so maybe it was that. they hadn't saved his sister, nor his father. and they couldn't help his mother either. only bad memories were associated with their orderly wards, the unblemished spotless floors and immaculate halls holding filthy recollections for him to bury along with his family.

while he drives away, wooyoung remains unmoving in the reception of the very building san hates, left to wonder if his parents are even going to bother returning home after an event like this.

-

ww3, huh?

anyway this is all. over. the. place.

in case y'all are a bit confused or i'm bad at explaining things...

san is dealing with some past trauma that prevents him from remembering certain things that could be very important ;)

xxx

edit: i miss when i thought ww3 was my biggest problem going into 2020