JOANNA

The casket lowers into the ground and the finality that my abuelita is truly gone, hits me like a ton of bricks slamming into my body; it becomes excruciating to breathe. But I focus on my mom who's not able to stop crying for more than a few minutes at a time before another wave of tears comes.

Our family has come together to be there for one another over the last several days and others whose lives have been touched by abuelita's kindness and generosity came to express their condolences.

Out of a sense of duty, I numbly walk around my mom's home during the wake, offering guests something to eat or drink.

"Joanna." I turn toward the familiar voice.

"Here let me take that." Mark reaches for the tray of food in my hands, but I shake my head.

"It's fine." A small smile pulls at my lips, but it doesn't stay. "Thank you for coming."

"I'm sorry for your loss," he says with empathy. "Don't worry about anything at work. Everything is being handled."

"Thanks, but I plan on being back to work on Monday." I nod at a couple who briefly say hello in passing, taking a few of the food samples on the tray.

"You're allowed to take more time than the standard bereavement, Joanna. And you never take time off as it is."

I take a deep breath in and exhale as I look around and then I see Sage and Obie walking in the front door. My heart warms and flutters seeing him. He leans down to say something into Obie's ear and he nods.

Goose and Maverick amble their way to them and wait to be petted by both of them. Sage straightens, looking around and then his eyes meet mine. His gaze shifts to Mark and I remember he's there.

"Thanks for the reminder, Mark," I tell him politely. "I need to work, it helps to keep busy. At least for me. But I appreciate all you've done the last couple of days while I've been out and thank you again for coming. I really appreciate it."

"Let me know if you need anything." He leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek before he walks away.

Looking back at Sage I start making my way towards him and Obie, when Manny stands in my way and pulls me into a hug. I shift the tray quickly to not drop the food.

"JoJo, how are you holding up?"

My eyes are on Sage as I push against Manny. "I'm doing as good as I can be. Thanks."

"Do you need anything?"

"Yes, I need my boyfriend. Here." I hand him the tray. He fumbles trying to keep it from falling as I walk away. Obie gives me a sad smile before he wraps his arms around me.

I kiss his head . "Thanks for coming, Obie."

"Anything for you, JoJo." He gives me a smile similar to his dad's and I cup his face. "Can I go check on Diego?" He asks about one of my younger cousins his age who he's befriended.

"Of course." I watch him head towards the kitchen where some of the other kids are huddled together and I turn back to Sage, walking into his arms.

"How are you doing?" He leans away enough to hold my face, his eyes scanning over the dark shadows under my eyes, no doubt .

"Better now." I pull him in closer again, breathing him in.

Things have been a little tense between us, but we've talked every day and spent as much time together as we can while I've been busy helping my mom with the funeral arrangements and spending time with her, making sure she keeps her daily routine going. 

Meanwhile, he's been dealing with the fallout of the chaos that happened while he was at the hospital. But my self-condemnation keeps me from asking him questions.

He leans away. "What do you need? What can I get you?" 

Guilt seeps in, knowing I still haven't confessed to him. It's easy to think, just tell him, but then what if he thinks I knew who she was before we even got together? That I planned all of this or worse that he thinks I was spying on him for her?

You're getting carried away, Joanna.

Sage's warm hands gently pull my head toward his worried face. "Did you hear me?"

"Just hold me, Sage." 

Afraid I'll collapse as soon as he lets go. We stand there just holding each other. Our breathing and our hearts seem to become in sync and I close my eyes, relaxing into his strong frame.

"Baby, you're dead on your feet, come on. You need to rest." He starts leading me to one of the sitting rooms we set up for people to converse, but I don't want to be around everyone right now and I pull him back toward the stairs and lead him up to my old bedroom.

He stops in the hallway observing an old picture hanging on the wall. He smiles at the picture of me as a one year old surrounded by my brothers during a Christmas celebration.

"You've always been beautiful."

I begin laughing at his absurd statement because I started wearing glasses at six months old and they made my already large eyes look even bigger.

It dawns on me that I'm laughing and it feels wrong. My laughter turns into crying and Sage pulls me into him. Shushing me and stroking my hair. He guides me into the nearest room, which happens to be my old room and sits me down next to him on the bed. He lays back and brings me closer to him, kissing my head intermittently, whispering sweet words of sympathy.

___________

Sitting up gasping, Sage's suit jacket falls off of me. 

"Sh, you're okay. You had a bad dream." Sage caresses my face. My breathing is loud in the quiet room, and my heart is thundering in my ears. I look around slightly disoriented, remembering we're we are.

"What time is it?" Observing the darkness of the sky, it heightens my awareness that I've been asleep for quite a while.

"Seven thirty."

Oh no. I start to hand him his jacket and scoot myself to the edge of the bed. "Easy, your mom and Oli came to check on you not that long ago. I brought you some food, if you're hungry." I notice the plate of food on the nightstand and my stomach grumbles.

"When's the last time you ate, Joanna?"

Avoiding his intense gaze, my fingers pull and play with the hem of my black dress. "Yesterday..."

I prepare for him to begin lecturing me, but he doesn't. He lifts my chin to look at him. "Please eat something." He reaches for the plate and feeds me one of the sandwiches. I nibble on it but then take a bigger bite noticing the look on his face. After the second finger sandwich, I tell him I'm done.

"You probably need to take Obie home soon."

"He's fine. He's checked on you, too." His fingers trace my face and then play with the ends of my hair. He leans in to kiss my forehead but I lift my head to press my lips to his. I don't know if it's due to the sadness, grief, or lack of sleep, but I feel energized kissing him. I shift over him, his hands hold on my hips as I tug on his hair as we continue our kiss. I take his deep groan as encouragement and begin working on the buttons of his shirt.

"Joanna," He murmurs against my lips. "Wait."

But I keep kissing him and guide his hands under my dress, to my thighs and then higher, they flex on the flesh of my ass, as I begin working on his belt next. He breaks the kiss and I start kissing his neck, focusing on the spot he likes. 

"Joanna, this probably isn't a good idea." His Adams's apple shifts under my lips.

"I need you, Sage." I plead with him as I palm his hardness in my hand, stroking him.

"Not like this, baby." He tells me with a strained voice. "I know you're hurting but—"

His hand comes over mine, pulling it away from him and I struggle swallowing the pill of rejection on top of everything else that's brewing inside of me, right now like a chaotic storm. I start to climb off of his lap but he holds on to me.

"I want you, Joanna. You know I do."

"Right. I feel so wanted when I'm throwing myself at you and you're pushing me away!" I lash out. I grab my head groaning in frustration and embarrassment, leaning my head against his chest, hating the bitter taste of disgust with myself for how I'm acting and what I'm saying.

"I'm sorry. I don't...I don't know what came over me."

He attempts to lift my head, but I resist his efforts. "Look at me." But I stubbornly shake my head, humiliated. He chuckles before his hands come around my neck and my face, lifting my head to face him.

"I want all the different sides of you, Joanna. All of it. The good, the bad and the—"

"You're seriously not going to say the word ugly to me right now, are you?"

The corner of his sexy mouth lifts. "I was going to say crazy."

A chuckle makes its way out of me and I sigh, brushing my lips against his. "Thank you, Sage. For being here, for supporting me and for taking care of me." I hug him so tight I can feel his heartbeat against my chest.

Smiling, I lean away, but he pulls me toward him and the kiss he gives me takes my breath away. Everything inside of me coils up in the most wonderful feeling of tension but also relaxes in complete euphoria.

Being with him I've learned passion isn't always a sexual need or hunger but it's a primal need to connect with the person you care for more than anything in the world and he makes me feel that more than I've ever known before.

Tears stream down my face as we kiss, not because of sadness, but because even though we haven't said the words, I feel so loved and safe in his arms.

________________

It's the end of the work week and it feels like I've been working for thirty days straight instead of only five. I check the clock on my computer for the third time in the last ten minutes, willing the time to move faster with my eyes, but of course it doesn't.

Welcoming the distraction my ringing phone provides from the monotony of my workload I grab it quickly, but frown when I see it's Obie. Double checking the time on my phone screen, my frown deepens, why is he calling me in the middle of the day?

"Hey, Obie."

"Hi, JoJo." He greets me. "How's your day going? Almost done?"

I chuckle, "No, not at all. It's going extremely slow."

"Want a reason to leave early?"

This kid. I shake my head as I laugh louder. "What's going on, Obie? Aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"Fridays are early days," he replies. I nod before leaning my head down on my desk. That's right.

"Anyway, a couple of my friends were asking if I could go to the mall with them..." He starts to tell me.

I lift my head, confusion setting in. "Why don't you ask your dad?"

"He's doing that mediation with my mom, remember?"

I slap my hand to my head. Ay! How could I forget that? Sage even reminded me about it this morning when we spoke before work. "Right." I exhale loudly, but still feel hesitant to give in. "I don't know Obie, does your dad know these friends?"

"Of course. You know Justin and Camila too," he responds and I nod my head again as if he could see me.

"Please! This is my chance to hang out with Camila. Her parents feel better about us going somewhere public than going to each other's house, which doesn't seem as safe if you ask me, but who am I to question parent's way of thinking?"

I check the time again and then rub my tired eyes. "Okay, fine. Are you still at school or are you at home already?" I probably should know this.

"Home. Just let me know when you're here and I'll run out."

I start gathering my things and send an email to my boss that I'll be taking off for the day, bringing my work home with me. Considering he didn't want me to come in to work this week, I'm sure he'll be understanding.

"Okay, I'll just send your dad a quick text."

"I already did, so he'll see it as soon as he's done."

"Oh, good. Okay, I'll see you soon." I hang up and rush out of my office, letting my assistant know I'm leaving and to redirect any calls to my cell if needed.

_____________

Walking through the surprisingly crowded parking lot of the mall, I adjust my work bag on my shoulder. 

"Alright, don't worry. I'm not going to follow you around. I'm going to go sit in the food court and work while you hang out with your friends. Text me when you're done."

"Okay, sounds good. Thanks, JoJo." Obie's smile is contagious and I grin back at him, remembering the excitement of being his age and hanging out with friends outside of home for the first time. Of course, my brothers were always following me though.

"There they are." He waves at a boy with black hair and a faux hawk style haircut and a pretty girl with long dark hair and dimples getting out of a couple of cars just as we approach the doors. I waive at who I assume are their parents and we walk into the mall and I guide them towards the arcade.

"Have fun."

Obie waves at me and I watch them go into the arcade together. I head for the food court across the way and decide to treat myself to some frozen yogurt while I work.

Thirty minutes later, I'm surprised how much work I've been able to get done in the crazy chaos of the food court. I've nearly caught up from the work I missed last week while I was out and even skimmed over some of the files I received for this week.

I lean back, stretching my arms over my head, but lower them quickly when there's a succession of loud popping somewhere in the distance. Putting all my energy and focus into listening hard, hoping it wasn't what I think it is.

Then the screams erupt.

***