https://youtu.be/iRIi0jHGJ1k

If you're not the one for me

Then how come I can bring you to your knees?

If you're not the one for me

Why do I hate the idea of being free?

And if I'm not the one for you

You've gotta stop holding me the way you do

Oh, honey, if I'm not the one for you

Why have we been through what we have been through?

"So, you're going?"

"Can you tell me why I should stay?" Tony answered back, his voice cracked and sounding nothing like the man who normally exuded confidence that could fill any room. It was one of the things that drew you to him on that very first day when you met, but now, even after years together, you couldn't find a trace of that man in him. His shoulders hung in defeat as he packed his bag, weakly putting item after item inside as if each piece hurt him more than the one before, touching them as if they burned his skin.

"Because we love each other?"

"Do we?"

The harsh gasp that escaped you carried a pain within it that caught you both off guard; you could feel the air being forced from your lungs and a pain spreading from your center with such force that you thought that you might black out. He so readily had the question spilling from his lips, with his eyes darkened and dull as they looked at you. The fights had gone on for too long, and they had become too vicious, cutting each other down in ways that only you knew how. In this murky water that you were drowning in, it was a valid question that only made you realize that you were unwilling to save each other.

"Tony..."

"Yeah, I didn't think so."

"I didn't answer yet."

"Sweetheart, you don't have to." With a loud zip to close his pack, he tossed it carelessly towards the door so that it would be ready to make his quick getaway when his emotions finally cracked. He couldn't leave without a proper goodbye, but with such a fractured resolve to do it, it wouldn't take much to change his mind. "Come here," he whispered, moving across the room to you with his arms open, awash in terror at the idea of feeling you within them and how it would break him further when there was barely anything left.

"No, Tony, you can't just hold me and apologize for leaving and think that this is okay," you spat angrily, standing to get away from him. "Since when do you quit anything? You're quitting us, and we promised each other that we never would."

"We were blind, (Y/N). There's just...it's too hard. It's untenable."

Your mouth hung open at his words, listening to him in full disbelief that this man found anything to be too much for him when he claimed to have the answer for any problem thrown his way. For him to say that it was too hard and that he couldn't make it work, it had to be true; Tony Stark could fix anything, but he couldn't fix this. He couldn't fix you, and you could feel your will to fight slipping away.

It's so cold out here in your wilderness

I want you to be my keeper

But not if you are so reckless

If you're gonna let me down, let me down gently

Don't pretend that you don't want me

Our love ain't water under the bridge

"That's it, then," you nodded weakly, your gaze dropping to your feet as tears dropped from your eyes and onto the cool wood floor beneath them. You caught the shadow of his form taking a step towards you, but you instinctively took a step back. "Don't..." you panted, feeling your breaths catch in your chest as the floodgate of emotions flew open and out of your control. It took all of your determination to not look up at him as he pushed forward despite your insistence; if you looked at him now, it would be your undoing, and you were determined to not give him the satisfaction of seeing that. "Don't touch me, Tony. I can't..."

"(Y/N), sit down, come on," he offered, his hands hovering next to you but not connecting. "You're breathing way too fast, please, just sit."

"Go."

"What...?"

"You wanted to go, so go," you repeated, closing your eyes when they tried to betray you so that you could look at him one more time; you couldn't afford that mistake, not right now. "I'm not yours to worry about anymore."

What are you waiting for?

You never seem to make it through the door

And who are you hiding from?

It ain't no life to live like you're on the run

Have I ever asked for much?

The only thing that I want is your love

He lowered his hands slowly, watching you still as if you could topple at any moment and he needed to be there to catch you. Your words of his responsibility meant nothing to him, as he would always feel that he would care, or worry, or want good for you no matter what was happening between you. You had left a scar on his soul that would never fade away after years together, and his love for you was real from the very first minute. It was still real now...it was just buried under the remnants of arguments and pain and exhaustion; he knew that it was there, but he couldn't figure out a way to reach it, and it was driving him mad.

"I'm not leaving you like this."

"Get out!" you yelled out, feeling a powerful surge of rage from somewhere inside of yourself; it was unexpected and explosive, and he took a few steps back from the wave that hit him head on. "Just go already! Torturing me like this is cruel, Tony. Don't touch me, don't look at me, and not another word. Go!"

When his hands grabbed your arms with a pinching force and a strength that you couldn't shake, even the wince of pain that you let out didn't shift his grip. It made you finally look up at him after avoiding it this long, and it was just as you expected; he had an ability to look into the depths of you in a mere glance, and how he was staring into your eyes now was leaving you vulnerable and needing him more than ever.

"Do you love me? Tell me."

"I said go..." you whimpered, trying to stay strong, knowing that this was just another fight being born of his own fears.

"(Y/N), please," he begged softly, "tell me. If you do, I need to hear it."

"What would that change, Tony? We'll just come back to this eventually. You were right, we're broken and even you can't fix us."

"I love you," he exhaled, almost inaudible if you hadn't been focused on him so acutely. "I want to make this better, and I want to be with you, I do. I just don't know how to do it, and I can't figure it out on my own. I don't want this to end but I don't see another way. Do you? Please, if you do, tell me, (Y/N)." Tony could feel the panic building in his chest and spreading down to his stomach as a hint of nausea struck. He was so resolved to leave only minutes ago, but you were fighting him then; now that you were agreeing and pushing him away, it all became far too real and the fear was paralyzing, that he was really losing you for good.

"I love you, too," you answered just as softly, in an uncertain but decided tone, casting your eyes away again so you wouldn't be witness to the pain you were causing. "But no, Tony. I can't tell you why you should stay."

If you're gonna let me down, let me down gently

Don't pretend that you don't want me

Our love ain't water under the bridge

Part 2

At six months apart, you began to think that you were going to make it. You saw Tony only in passing now, usually when you would stop by the compound to meet with Nat for lunch and he happened to be there, or if you spent an evening there with the team but didn't leave quick enough before he would stop by to meet with Steve for team business. It wasn't necessarily a conscious effort to avoid each other, but your subconscious sure had a good handle on it.

By no means did it mean that those six months were easy, however; in fact, they were the hardest of your life. A mere two days after your split, the team was challenged by Tony and Bruce's sociopathic killer robot, leaving a tremendous amount of damage behind, both in the cities that were caught in the wake, and in the psyche of its creator. Tony was a master of crippling self-blame, and to hear the stories of how this was changing him were almost too much, nearly sending you back into his arms to save him from himself despite your own needs. Steve had called you first, telling you when Tony had decided to leave the team for good in a move that was nothing like the man that he knew; Tony had never quit anything and it left him seeking you out in a desperate move.

Over those six months, the calls came in from each member of the team at one point or another, but one in particular finally made you realize just how serious the changes in Tony really were. It was the call from Clint, the Avenger fresh into his retirement and who shouldn't really care about what was happening, that shook you into action. You left for his farm that very same day, and when Clint met you at the end of his driveway, he looked like he had never been happier to see anyone in his life.

"Thanks for getting here so fast," he greeted with a firm hug, "I don't know what to do. He won't really talk to me other than to beat himself up over this whole Sokovia thing. I keep trying to tell him that we understand and it's okay, but he won't hear it."

"Where is he now?"

"In the barn," he pointed towards the old building, taking your hand to lead you. "It's the third time he's been here this week, (Y/N). He spends hours in there working on that damn tractor, trying to get it to run. He talks to himself while he's working, and I have to be honest with you, I've heard your name. A lot."

"Thanks for calling me, Clint," you smiled weakly, reaching for the weathered handle on the old wooden door. One more quick hug was how he left you there, allowing you privacy with Tony not only for your benefit, but also because he didn't want to hear his friend hurting like this anymore. He and Tony were never close by any means, but he still respected the man at least.

Tony startled slightly at the creak of the door that you couldn't keep silent, but he didn't look up right away. He was crouched down behind the old green tractor, banging against the engine angrily and muttering curses under his breath when he wasn't getting the results he wanted. "Goddamn old son of a...really? This is how we're gonna play...piece of..."

"Tony?"

The echoing sounds of his work suddenly stopped, and his voice silenced. Your heart began to race before you even saw him, anticipating what you would see after not so much as a single word passed between you since he left that night. You expected him to stand and walk away, rejecting your help after what you had heard from the team, or at the very least, to tell you to leave him alone, but the silence held for several minutes before he began to work again, not giving you any sight of him.

"Did you get my flowers?" he finally asked quietly, his hands returning to their work.

"I did."

"Okay, you're really here," he mumbled to himself, "not imagining it."

"I'm really here, Tony."

"You don't answer my calls."

"We agreed to not talk to each other, remember?"

"I've seen you at the compound, but you don't even look at me."

"Tony..." you sighed, stopping before you said the wrong thing, even though you had no idea what that would be at this point. Taking the chance that it wouldn't backfire, you crossed the room slowly to stand at the end of the machine where you could see him, putting you into his full view. He didn't turn right away, but you could see his muscles tense in reaction to having you so close. "I couldn't look at you, Tony. It hurt too much to see you. But I'm looking at you now."

"And what do you see, (Y/N)?"

"I see you."

"Ha! Since when are you so good at lying?" he scoffed, dropping the wrench into his toolbox with a loud thud. He stood up fully and turned to you, finally looking back for the first time; he sucked in a harsh breath at the sight, and despite his determination to fight any reaction, you could see the building moisture glistening in his eyes. "This isn't me, sweetheart."

"It is you, but you won't allow yourself to realize that you're hurting. You're so good at pushing your feelings aside that you can't see that it's destroying you. Everyone else can see it, so why can't you?"

"Everyone? Who's everyone?"

"Really?" you chuckled dryly. "Tony, I've gotten calls from every single member of that team over the last six months, begging me to step in and help. They're worried about you because they're your friends and they care about you. Clint called this morning-"

"Do you care about me?" he broke in eagerly. "Is that why you rushed out here? Or are you here just to get me out of Barton's hair?"

"Of course I care about you. I still love you, Tony. That didn't change." You took a step forward to try to bring yourself closer, but he reflexively took a step back and away, almost as if he were scared to be next to you. "We agreed that this wasn't working, remember? We left each other."

"I was...it wasn't..." he stammered, shaking his head in frustration with a hand run through his messy hair until the words tumbled forth, "I was...wrong. I screwed up...all of it. You, then Ultron, Sokovia..."

"Steve's told me everything," you agreed quietly, "but he's also told me that they understand what you were trying to do. It might not have been the best way to go about it, but your intentions were good, if nothing else. You have to let this go before it destroys you."

"Don't you think I know that?"

"I'm not exactly convinced."

Tony groaned aloud and averted his eyes again, turning his body away with hands pressed firmly against his hips as he tried to think of what to say to you. Any words that he came up with would only fail him further, and all he really wanted was to get you to see that the man you used to know was still inside of him, just buried under the mistakes. But the mistakes were too heavy for him to climb out from beneath, and he decided that it was easier to just give in to them than to fight anymore. He turned and knelt down at the tractor's engine again, taking the wrench back to it with another angry bang against the engine. "Thanks for stopping by, (Y/N), but I've gotta get back to work."

"Alright, that's enough," you snapped, pushing in next to him to pull the tool from his hand. With a quick glance at the motor, you took the wrench to a few bolts deep inside the mechanism, gave it a firm tap, and stood to turn the key. When the tractor suddenly came to life beneath your hand, you had to control your urge to gloat given the circumstances; you just wanted him to focus. "There, now come on, we're going home."

"How in the hell did you do that?" he asked, eyes wide in shock. "I've been working on this damn thing for a week."

"That alone should tell you something, Tony." You turned the machine off again and reached down to take his hand, waiting for him to respond and give it to you, but he held steady; as he looked up at you, however, you could see that you had maybe started to get through to him.

"Where's home, (Y/N)?

"We all need family," you answered quietly, "and your family is waiting for you at the compound. You need them, and somewhere deep down you know that, but you can't see it yet. Just take my hand, please. We want to help you."

He held there that way for several minutes, until you almost thought that you would just have to give up and hope that he would chase you. It was a relief when he sighed and nodded, keeping his eyes on you when he finally reached up and took it, standing so close to you now that your bodies were almost touching. "What about us, (Y/N)? If you can't be around me, how are going to help? I want to make so much up to you, and to be the guy that you think I am...but I don't know how to do that...after everything."

"You are that guy, honey, he's in there." You gave a gentle tap of your finger against his chest, a small smile curling at your lips when he shuddered under even that little touch. "He's just...stuck under a few miles of crap. But as you can see, I'm pretty good with machinery. I'll just grab Clint's forklift over there and dig you out from under it all."

"Yeah, that doesn't work either," he smirked. "He asked me to look at that next. Not sure why, given my glowing success with this. Makes me wonder why you think I'm gonna have any success in fixing myself, honestly."

"Did you not see what I did with the tractor? I figure after a few good smacks with the wrench, you'll be up and running like your old self in no time."