https://youtu.be/ihFo__PoCKI

I listened to this while I wrote: When I Fall

WARNING: Angst, depression, suicide attempt

I look straight in the window, try not to look below

Pretend I'm not up here, try counting sheep

But the sheep seem to shower off this office tower

Nine-point-eight straight down I can't stop my knees

'So many people on the streets for this late at night', you thought to yourself, peering over the side of the Avengers tower, 'what if I hit one? Timing this is gonna be harder than I thought...'

~~~

"Hey, Tony, have you seen (Y/N)?"

"Yeah, she said that she was heading to bed for the night. Why? Did she bail out on a hot date or something?"

"Sort of," Steve sighed, looking around the lounge area aimlessly. His eyes were travelling over the room, but his focus was in his mind, running recent conversations with you through it in case he had forgotten a change in plans. When he came up empty, he turned to his teammate to help. "Did she say anything else?"

"Listen, as badly as I want nothing to do with what you and my kid sister do in your free time, I'd love to help you out here, Cap. Sorry, I've got nothing."

"Hmm," he muttered, biting his lower lip as his thoughts continued to race, "that's weird. Today's Friday, right?"

Tony smirked with the slightest curl at the corner of his mouth, a quiet chuckle escaping his throat as he set his tablet and drink down on the bar top. It was no secret to anyone in the tower, much less anyone within earshot of the tower, that he wasn't a fan of the relationship that you and Steve were having, but if he had to find the silver lining, at least he was being given great material to give him a hard time. "Yes, today is Friday," he nodded, "but I'm starting to wonder if (Y/N) is really your girlfriend, or if she's just a cover for your babysitter. You know, once the memory starts to slip, it's all downhill from there, Cap. You're gonna get fitted for dentures before you know it. Arthritis, hearing aids, incontinence...adult diapers..."

But Steve didn't hear a word that Tony had said; thoughts and recent memories were flashing through his mind at a dizzying rate, so fast that even he had trouble tracking them. For the last few weeks, he had a strange feeling that something was going on with you, but he couldn't ever place what it was, and you quickly shot it down with a reassuring smile to downplay his concern. Everyone saw you as your usual helpful and friendly self with them, but he couldn't shake the sensation of missing something; now it was all he could think about. "Has she seemed strange to you at all lately? Have you noticed anything...off?"

"Whatcha getting at, Rogers?" he asked, turning to him fully with an expression that was quickly overtaken by concern when Steve completely dodged his joking, realizing that he had never before seen him so distracted. "Let's have it."

"I don't know," Steve grumbled, taking a heavily landed seat in one of the chairs next to the bar, "I don't want to jump to any conclusions here, but...I think she's hiding something from us. I haven't been able to get this feeling out of my gut for weeks now, but she still runs around here helping everyone like she always does, smiling through any problem, like it's nothing. She's almost too upbeat...you know what I mean?"

"The lady doth protest too much?"

Steve scoffed with a raise of his brow, shaking his head with a quiet chuckle under his breath, "you know, I never knew that you were such a Shakespeare fan."

"I'm not," Tony shrugged, "but that one is an actual quote. The stuff I throw at Thor just sounds cool."

"You sure about that?"

Tony's smile suddenly dropped and he gave Steve a skeptical glare, "that's hilarious. But I think I've proven that I'm still not afraid to hit an old man."

~~~

I wish I could fly

From this building

From this wall

And if I should try

Would you catch me if I fall?

The night air was unusually cold against your skin, but of course, it was the first time that you had stood atop the tower, so unusual was a poor choice of phrase. The gusts pushed into you, shifting your balance a few times and testing the solidity of your footing and the solidity of your resolve at the same time. As goose bumps formed on your arms and neck, the thought of going back in for a jacket flashed through your mind before the absurdity of it could catch up; in a matter of minutes now, a jacket would mean nothing to your comfort. In a matter of minutes, there would be no worry of comfort. There would be no worry, finally.

You had tried to talk to Tony about this, about the sinking feelings that were pulling you under water, in the hopes that he might understand and have some advice from his own experiences, but each time that you tried, fate would intervene and take him for a mission, or to the lab, or anywhere that was clearly so much more important than you. That wasn't to say that he was the reason that you were here, teetering on the precipice now; no one person or thing could be the reason. To you, the greyness of the world around you had separated its hue and divided into black and white, making the answer equally as clear.

It just...was.

I look in the boardroom; a modern pharaoh's tomb

I'd gladly swap places, if they care to dive

They're lined up at the window, peer down into limbo

They're frightened of jumping, in case they survive

It was by some strange and twisted miracle that he hadn't caught on sooner, your thinly veiled attempts at staying positive and at wearing a barely believable smile beginning to take their toll on you. The façade was nearly impossible to maintain, but you were tenacious and driven to protect both him and Steve from the darkness that was eviscerating you. They were too good, too pure to look at this, and you had to be their shield. You believed that you had performed admirably and that this was your reward.

You took a cautious step forward, closer to the edge, unsure of why you were being so careful, as the end result would be the same. With a silent goodbye to your boys, and a tiny grin at the thanks to Tony for building one of the city's tallest buildings, you put a foot forward over nothing and wavered in the winds, finally allowing them to give you the push that you couldn't get yourself to make.

"(Y/N)!"

The shock of the abrupt stop jarred your mind back into the moment, your body coming to a violent halt mid-air and only mere feet from where you were just standing only a few seconds before. Steve's hand was tightly gripping the back of your shirt desperately while his other slipped slightly while he held on to the railing that lined the roof to keep you both from toppling completely. You could hear the threads of the cloth begin to stretch and some to tear under the strain, and he knew that his time was limited to save you.

"(Y/N)...I've got you," he grunted as he struggled, pulling you up but stopping when your shirt began to tear rapidly. "No, no, no, no, hang on! I'm not letting you go!"

"Why not?" you asked plainly, forgetting that with his enhanced hearing, it wasn't going to be lost on him at all, even in the city wind that swirled around you both.

"How dare you ask me that," he answered angrily, forgetting himself. Looking around at the roof's surface, there weren't any other means for him to secure himself so that he could use his other hand to bring you up, but your shirt wasn't giving him much time to figure it out. "(Y/N), I promise, I'm not letting go."

You let out an unintentional scream when you felt yourself begin to drop again, surprised when it wasn't by your own doing and shocked that Steve would allow it. When your momentum stopped just as quickly, you managed to look up to see that he had pushed himself over the ledge so that he could link his feet into the railing and use both of his hands now to hold you in place, leaving you both dangling precariously over an unforgiving sidewalk below.

"Climb up," he commanded, shifting to take you under your arms so that you could pull your way back to the roof. Not following his order would only result in him catching you again, and you certainly didn't want any heroics that would cost him his own life, so you relented and used him to bring yourself to safety. You sat quietly and waited for him to join you, looking anywhere but at him in your shame and disappointment that he had found you. "What the hell was that?" he panted, leaning forward with his hands pressed on his knees, trying to catch his breath.

"Fate."

"Bullshit."

"Weakness, then," you retorted, "or cowardice. Or maybe it was just finally having had enough."

"Enough of what?"

"Trying. I've had enough of trying to be this version of me that keeps everyone happy, and wears a smile just so that someone else feels better. I've had enough of living in Tony's shadow...and that's not on him, that's just how I feel, and I've had enough of trying to be..." you stopped, turning your body away from him in silence.

Steve took a few long strides closer and knelt in front of you, grabbing your arm to turn you back to him, taking your chin in hand to finally make you look him in the eyes. "Keep going."

"I can't live up to what you deserve to have."

"And you've made this assumption all by yourself, then? Never once thought to consult me on that?"

"Steve..."

"(Y/N)," he continued, "when I said that I'm not letting go, I wasn't talking about hanging from the side of this big, ugly tower. I'm in this with you, for all of it, good and bad. I thought you knew that?"

The earnest look in his eyes was getting more difficult to look away from, and you wondered if the shivering in your body was from them or from the cold air around you. Either way, no matter the cause, Steve caught the subtle motion and stood, reaching down to lift you into his arms. When you didn't argue or fight him, he felt that maybe he had a chance to reach you, but he wouldn't allow himself the comfort of belief just yet. "I won't tell Tony," he whispered, pressing a kiss against your hair as you leaned against him, "if you promise me that you'll tell me when you're feeling like there's no other way."

You didn't say anything at first, and it wasn't that you were contemplating an answer; it was more that you were trying to understand why he was so determined, and how you had been so fortunate to have his love when you didn't feel deserving. At least right now you didn't; especially right now.

"(Y/N)?"

"Okay," you sighed, closing your eyes to concentrate on this feeling of being in his arms, as if you had completely forgotten it before now and it was like the very first time. "I promise."