Nandini

I shuffled through all the drawers of his cabin restlessly, hunting for that one collection of papers that could give me all the necessary information. His cabin was rather clean, more organized than mine with all the necessary labels and additional divisions that segregated one section from another. Yet, that one file couldn't be found. How come it wasn't there? It had to be! There is no other place he would keep it.

My throat felt tight. Breathing only became harder for me. The claustrophobia along with the pressure of presenting with absolutely no information about anything related to his project was like a strangulation. Where the hell is that file?

"Ma'am, your meeting starts in ten minutes." I fisted my hands together at the new piece of information, breathing deeply. It was so hard to gather myself together, especially the last few hours were only a downhill of my emotions. In and out, just like my therapist advised. In, out... in... See? That's better.

"Yeah, I... um... I'm aware." I jolted my flat palm over the rosewood, and stood up from Manik's rotatable chair that I once enjoyed spinning in. Swirling in his perfume gave me a solace like no other. I couldn't put my feeling of remorse in words. As such, alcohol's aftereffects are that your body resorts to a state of depression and sensing no scope of inclination anywhere, it felt like my lowest low for a long time. Dust that had once settled over my scalded wounds was scrapped off clean, exposing the bleeding segments to substantially pricking conditions.

Straightening the creases off my pencil pants, I ran my fingers along the fabricated headrest of his rolling seat, where his head would be craned back because of his height, and his freshly gelled hair would deform gently as he would ease his discomfort. His beguiling eyes, that always spoke much more than his words did but stared blankly at me the previous day, would be closed as he would want a second of silence to himself to help him handle the workload. I fucking miss you, baby.

My back stiffened up. "Any news about Manik?" I twirled around, casually. I could be given Oscars for my acting, truly.

"His phone is unreachable. His login status shows he hasn't been on his system for almost 24 hours now." My brains were almost dead in anticipation. I had fairly underestimated my tolerance level when it came to him. No wonder every person who met us called me the more aggressive one, and him the more passionate one. Where the hell are you Manik?

I closed my eyes to recall any tiny signals I'd missed out of the big picture. For a second, just a millisecond, I saw a vision of Sonali in a skimpy dress... paying an unexpected visit. Manik was shirtless, dripping from head to toe while clad... in only a towel, yes! That day... I tossed my Frooti pack on her... that same day... I tried hard not to focus on the tiny girl in my arms, who gawked at me like the most marvelous creation she had ever seen. Back to Sonali... She brought something with her the other day... a file. Yes, a file. I could vividly remember seeing it on Manik's lap that night when he fell asleep on the couch. It had to be the same file.

That was the file I fucking needed, and it was at home! His home, I corrected.

Every breath of mine became jagged, like the oxygen content in the atmosphere dropped down to less than half, that made me exhale twice as fast. My hands moved uncontrollably, trembling, and shaking. There's no need to panic. Just relax. Breathe, breathe.

I happened to glance, just by luck, at his desk where his shut laptop remained. I swear to God I'd not seen it before. I was in the same room for over five minutes and there was no way in hell it could've just popped out of nowhere. Clarity in thoughts solves most issues. I looked north, east and west desperate for clues to proceed before something stupendous struck my mind.

"Ma'am, that's..." I hustled to the screen, only to see it password-protected. FUCK!

"Shh... I need to, I'm sorry." Breaching the code of conduct was the only way out. All the rules I vouched for always had exceptions anyways. There was a reason why every system was password protected, but I was their boss. All I needed to do was get into the main database, for which I didn't have time to spare. Using a few contacts would prove futile with less than six minutes to spare.

Okay, Nandini, guess... I typed: N-A-I-N-A and pressed Enter. It buzzed in error. What the heck? I re-entered with: N-a-i-n-a but it buzzed again. "It's locked!" Of course, it is! Why would he put something that simple as his password? Anyone at work could crack that in a jiffy. Everyone knew how important Naina is to him.

N-a-n-d-i-n-i

Enter.

It flashed a 'Welcome, Manik Malhotra!' message and then displayed 'logging you in...' I covered my mouth with my primary three fingers, as tiny tears pitched up in the corners of my eyes.

"Madam, what's wrong?"

"No, I just... found the right one."

Using both my folded hands that rested over both sides of my nose bridge, I pressed the index fingers to mitigate the collecting water and then breathed normally. It's okay. You're doing this for him. An event flashed on the right edge of his screen. September 3rd–Mum's birthday! It took me a second before I could comprehend what that meant after which a wave of relief spread through. Finally. Oh finally...

Richard's phone beeped. "Ma'am, the Khurana's are in."

I hastily checked the timestamp. I was running out of time. "Yeah, escort them to the meeting room. I'll be there in two minutes." I scrambled through his Documents folder and checked the 'Last modified'. Come on, come on. I double-clicked the latest one and selected 'print' as I skimmed through the softcopy as quickly as I could, trying to gather an approximate idea of what was planned, what was in process and what was complete. My overwhelmed brain cells jotted as much as they could in the pressured timeframe.

The machine paused underneath the table. It was the first second in the last hour that I allowed myself a second to regain my spirits. Just reading what I had to lifted my spirits over the merry clouds above the crystal skies. I pulled the sheets out and fled as quickly as I could, checking the time on my phone at regular intervals.

I stopped at the front door of the meeting room, to gather a couple of breaths and my spinning head together. After this is over, I'm coming for you. I nodded to myself, praying once to the God I was most informed of. Father, you've always been distant to me but today I'm standing at a cross like yours, having to choose between my family and myself. Like how you gave up your life for all your sinners, I gave up my happiness for them. Perhaps, that is one thing that connects us. I'm leaving it to you now, to protect my husband and my baby from all troubles. Please.

***

Manik

I marched into his ward, sighing happily. "I've made all the arrangements. Come on, Dad, let's go." He glanced at me from head to toe, all dressed in a simple white kurta, just like she loved. It was the first time in twenty four hours that I let myself to feel a little delighted. Dad smiled as he carefully sat up straight, turning his legs to let them hang off the boring hospital bed. The white walls and the dull vibe would disturb me if I was in his place.

The nurse was holding a car seat, in which a beautiful little baby dressed in a white embroidered sleeveless top and an ethnic orange skirt sucked on a pacifier. My father was beyond pleased. I crouched so that he could put his weak arm over the back of my neck to support himself.

"Where's your wife?" He asked slowly, perhaps contemplating with himself a couple of times before deciding that the question needed to be out in the air. My dry jaws dislocated, churning for words yet unspoken. I couldn't tell him what she and I had been through the last handful of hours. He'd freak out if I told him I never even saw her for almost a day now. "Manik?" It sounded meeker than before.

"She's a little held up on some work so..." He stopped in his footsteps, forcing me to halt along.

"You're telling me your wife can't spare a few minutes to be with you on your mother's birthday? Itni kya..." He wheezed before he could say another word. The nurse instantly came to his aid.

"Dad, Dad... she'll... she'll come." I didn't know why I was making him false promises but at the dilemma that I stood, I could do anything to make him happy even if that meant chasing Nandini down.

"Mr. Malhotra, this is why I warned you..." She began scolding me while filling him a glass of water, and I silently accepted the blame. He was fed little sips, while every little part of my heart clenched. I was always the reason for everyone's pain.

"I'm okay." He said, eyeing me before extending his hand. He was the only person in this world I knew who couldn't stand me upset or worried even the slightest. Naina would patiently listen to my fears and issues, but Dad could flip the world upside down if anything took so much of my time as to ponder a second time. I led him out, hugging him by his side to assure him I was always there for him, always.

Naina was first placed in the passenger seat in front with her carseat as I helped my father scoot into the vehicle. After he settled in the car, I buckled Naina's seat up next to him, teasing her with the cheesiest lines fathers told their fairies to which she giggled softly and eagerly searched my eyes. I learned that was a thing babies did, but for me it always reminded of one woman in my life. I promise, baby, it's all going to be alright.

***

Nandini

Aryamann was casually strolling around, coupled with a few older women from his company. I took the opportunity to grace his day with my presence. Scurrying through the crowd, I quickly grasped his vacant hand and excused the ladies before heading somewhere more exclusive. With a fake smile constantly plastered, through jittery teeth, I mumbled sharply, "What the heck is with you? We agreed to not get into each other's business."

His smirk was one heck of an insult to me. He was playing unfair and he knew it. I didn't know why I wasn't holding my horses tighter. "A secret for a secret, that's all this is." He winked, and then more threateningly than affectionately, I pulled him by his collars and wrapped my arms around his neck, that I wanted to choke till he passed out or better, died!

"Oh, well... you know I can take you down with what I know." Even rubbing his back was murderously powerful. He took a second to lean in to one of my ears.

"What are you doing me, a favor? Listen Nandini, your stakes in this game are just as big as mine." We parted with that evident smile not leaving his lips. Slamming a finger into his chest, which he later realized was my middle finger, I left fuming with storms of rage flying along with me.

I quickly braked at the 'Entry' gate of the hospital, seeing a familiar car leave. I checked the license plate number just to be sure that my senses weren't tricking me, and gladly heaved in enormous relief. That's got to be him. I promised myself that I wouldn't create anymore troubles. I just need to see them, just once.

I made sure no cars were coming through from the right, and just moved off the curb of the road, pressing on the accelerator and speeding straight to third gear–I don't really advise this on Mumbai main roads! Even without much traffic, I was always a car or two behind, or stuck between two lanes and struggling to maneuver the vehicle through or messing up with my car controls stressfully while he was slick on the roads, knowing all the right rules. Sucks to be useless.

Taking a diversion at the intersection I saw him jumping over along with the green light, we drove through a narrow one-way road laid with bricks and cement. It was probably a housing colony, a private property that I was unaware of. 200 meters forth, I realized we reached an old, undiscovered mansion with a giant lock sealed over its gate.

I stopped about 50 meters away, under a dense tree's shadow, hoping to not be noticed. It looked newly painted, but the old nameplate hanging beside it was wilted. I saw his fingers running over it, that probably read a name I couldn't make out from a distance. Using my intensive creative juices, that helped me plot so many plans and traps to mess with a man's life, I devised that house was probably mortgaged to pay his father's bills. The dark blue countryside building was enclosed in a vast piece of land, with a lush green garden to its left. The gates and style of construction looked vintage though it was well-maintained. From a distance, it looked like a decent countryside home, which people rented out as homestays. It wasn't too far away from where I lived, yet contrastingly more homely and happier than my mansion.

Three elated humans dressed in Indian wear pushed through the black iron, which creaked loudly as it opened. Their happiness just made me feel more hatred for myself, for causing so much pain to such a pure hearted family. They were going to celebrate someone dear to them, and I deserved no place there, in their haven. The humane side of me urged me to back off at least this time. And so I left... without another thought.

***

Manik

As I stepped in, nostalgia flooded through my mind. Every room still looked the same, though devoid of most of the furniture. The walls looked fresh and unused, unlike the long-recorded memories in those same confinements. There were traces of dusty footprints on the beige colored floor tiles, giving it the look of an unoccupied house being redone by carpenters and painters. The old house felt beautiful to be in, though entirely different from my childhood.

"You remember, that end of the big brown couch over there was where Mom used to sit after being exhausted cooking your meals..." The excitement was clear in my voice. Nandini told me she would be in awe with just the way I spoke about her. That day, I saw that amusement in my father's and daughter's faces too. She clung there to my shoulder, an arm lazily thrown over it as she stared at the contours of my face. I hardly noticed back then. I trailed towards the spot where she would rest.

I could picture my young mother though she was long gone, sighing deeply as she would tie her hair in a bun every time she walked from the kitchen into the living room. Her anklets would jingle, giving me a cue of where she always was. She was the one who told me wives always want to look the best for their husbands. "She would just sit there and close her eyes, not realizing when she would fall asleep." My voice broke, as my face dropped like a balloon that had lost its air.

My heart felt like a sponge soaked in water, heavy yet light. I bit my upper lip quietly, closing my eyes and smiling between the forming tears. There were too many memories, that I would trade any day for her to come back. My little one turned away, shoving her fist into my chest and resting her plump baby cheek on my shoulder. I couldn't help but place a hand on her back, rubbing in affectionate small circles.

"You were off to work then, I remember; when I would wake up and not find you both in your room, this was the first place I would look for her. Her lap is still one of the safest places in the world." I took a deep breath as the primitive droplets that had collected over the last few moments gained momentum. I missed her more than anything in the entire world.

Dad's lips pressed together sadly. He closed in on me, patting my back gently while giving Naina a tiny kiss on her cheek. "She would hate to see you cry." That was a sentence I heard throughout my childhood. That was what held me back on my pain for so long.

The only day I cried terribly for her loss was on her funeral. Never before, never after.

***

Nandini

Numbness was a wave that engulfed me. When there is so much you want to say, but can't gather a word, or when there's so much to feel but you know there's nobody listening, you feel numb. Overwhelmed by your own complications. Life wasn't simple for me, and I was only making his more complicated–like mine.

The empty space around me felt more foreign than home. Every second on my way back, I reconsidered turning up to just see him and my little girl. Just for them, I could do anything. I was already doing the hardest thing I possibly could, but then again that was for them. To see him was something I yearned, selfishly and desperately for my satisfaction. There was no more space for me in their lives. I had done enough.

"Nandini..."

I turned around excitedly at the voice that called, that vanished in thin air. Fearful of the loss, my voice quivered, "Manik..." He was nowhere. After all, I'd just seen him at his father's place. He couldn't be here. It was my mind playing games on me, to trick me into believing what I wanted to hear and see.

I couldn't even drag myself up the stairs, so I settled on the lowest one, popping my bag down first. The side of my head was supported by the railing structure, that I could hardly hold up myself. I wanted to see his face, her face, Papa's face... but I didn't. I couldn't. With what strength in me would I seek the face I bruised myself?

It was his mother's big day. He needed a day of happiness, a day without me to ruin his life and play games and leave again. Anyways even if he was going to see me again, I would walk out again, as always. I flapped my eyes shut, dealing with my broken pieces.

I have something big today, sorry, had to head out early! I'll see you tonight, mommy.

My lashes batted. It felt like a déjà vu. As quickly as I could, I shuffled through the little zips in my handbag. In one of them, in a more enclosed part of my purse, a few notes sat crisply folded. It was a house to little poems he read, paragraphs that reminded him of me or words that described me from his eyes–a significant aspect of my therapy. I knew the longest strip was the one I needed.

The same words, written in his handwriting made my heart skip a beat. He had the most elegant hand-scripting skills ever. His signature was iconic on another level. The pad of my thumb traced the pen ink. The sight of his pen gliding over any piece of paper he wrote on never left my mind. It was those little personality aspects of him that drew me closer to him.

Mommy.

"Nandini, I think I should start calling you Mommy too." We were lying beside each other in the couch uncomfortably, fully clothed but cuddling with each other. I looked up to him, to see his eyes closed as they wrapped around my waist.

"Why, because I call you Daddy?" The smirk on my face and the flabbergasted expression on his would've been a sight to watch. He tickled me around my tummy, making me squirm and shriek and laugh while pressing my lower body into his. Giggles escaped his mouth too as we lost ourselves in each other, panting heavily as our faces approached. My eyes were gleaming, coming down from the happy high a couple of seconds ago and his fixated over my lips, almost breathing over it with each drag of oxygen.

He glanced at the hair around my forehead, and brushed it carefully with the tips of his fingers like there couldn't be a soul more delicate than I was. My head was cupped in the process, and holding myself behind from pecking his lips was almost impossible. My eyes narrowed down after, and with a cute seductive smile, I grabbed onto his collars pulling him closer to me. "Bolo na?"

He kissed me quickly like repaying the favor, and then went back to cuddling. "Okay, don't laugh, it's a story..."

"Okay?" I said with a snicker before rubbing the tip of my nose that felt ticklish against his stubble. I closed my eyes to picture his little story.

"When I was small, there was this brown leather couch in my place, in front of the television. That was my favorite spot in the entire house."

"Why, baby?" I sneaked my head out of the space it was confined to, and then turned my back to him while he pushed into the cushions on the sofa, making enough space for the two of us to lie in. We were the big spoon and the little spoon.

"It reminded me of Mom." My eyes flicked open for a second, but I didn't dare utter a word. I quietly listened. It was his story, after all.

"I lied in her lap every single morning. I slept more peacefully in that lap than anywhere else in this entire world." A small part of me ached, literally. The baby in me pushed me to do something, to help her Daddy feel more secure, maybe. I allowed him to say what he wanted to, while now clasping his arms that enclosed me.

"I just wish I could've stayed with her longer, or maybe forever. Forever is a long time to be with someone. With her, it was only a couple of years." I hopped off his embrace, plopping north to his skull, taking his soft hair in between my crossed legs on the couch. He adjusted himself comfortably, trying to give me the least discomfort possible. A tear fell on my thigh, as he snuggled in.

Combing through his hair and setting it how I wanted–he was too particular about his hair and would never let me mess with it unless we were having sex–was a satisfying gesture. Another hand affectionately caressed his tensed shoulders as I tried to comfort him in every way possible. I never knew how it felt to be loved by a mother, I had long forgotten to know the pain of a parent's loss but he made me feel it. "I'll be with you forever."

I could hear a sniff. He pulled one of my hands to his mouth, kissing the center of my palm, one of the most sensitive non-erogenous parts of my body. My heart jumped, and so did the little growing one in me. "You're my second mother." He confessed with tears running down his closed eyes.

I took a deep breath, looking back at the countless times I left him hanging, with a zillion fake promises attached. I didn't deserve him, neither a baby like him, nor his baby angel.

---

If you can drop in some lines, anything absolutely, I'd be so so grateful. I am where I am because of you all <3 Thank you so much!