My life has been a blessing. I'm grateful for everything I do have, the people I've known, the places I'm going and the things I've seen. ~ Leah LaBelle

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Manik

Aryamann glimpsed in through the door, dressed in an expensive blue suit, as usual, flashing some light on my buried insecurities. To me, he was nothing but a mere threat. His pompous conduct in the company's performance and his superiority complex was not a good example of how a CEO should rule. I stood up without a second thought, in submission. He had everything Nandini once ridiculed me of not having, and that in itself spoke a lot about my self-esteem around him.

I knew with money and status there was no complacency, but he was happy. It was the first time I'd seen him that cheerful before. The weird energy in the atmosphere hinted that something seemed a bit off. "Nandini..." He chirped, which made me flick my eyes at her, studying her expressions and her reactions. My sheer ignorance was not paid heed to.

"Hey!" She sprung off her seat, almost excited to see him. She walked towards me with Naina in her arms, handed her off to me without even meeting my eyes, and then pressed her body into his for a good, long, torturous second. My eyes blazed like they had swallowed a few flames, from the envy of him breathing the same air she did, and automatically rolled to the back of my head, assuming it was one of Aryamann's silly games to display his power. Why was I an audience to their fake display of affection, was beyond my comprehension.

He was a skillful thief, who'd come into possession of some treasure as their bodies parted, and my lips twitched with great spite at that sight. He then planted a kiss on her cheek, and a tiny part of me shattered right then. The room was becoming uneasy, and I knew that was just the beginning, but how I wished I be wrong.

"Hey Manik, you might want to come out now." Aryamann sniggered at me, while in his hand lay hers, his fingers clasped around hers, where my engagement ring for her remained. Everything felt like a vague puzzle in my head. Nandini, who was smiling looking elsewhere until then, turned towards me as if she was forced to. There was a split-second during that moment when I saw her smile dropped and then regenerated, but it was too fast for me to tell if my mind was playing games with me, to have its ways. My fingers pressed against my temples to relieve the slight throb.

A flush of heat rippled its way from the deepest, hollowest parts of my stomach, to my entire body slowly in concentric circles. Each wave felt stronger than the previous one, and my body felt warm underneath my blazer. Why was the AC in her cabin not working? My legs went numb involuntarily, making me freeze like a statue. From the interior, I was fire, but outside, I felt as frozen as ice. The feeling was not foreign to me, and that was why I dreaded it. What are you doing, Nandini?

I dragged my feet out of the spot they refused to move from as if cast under a spell. Naina's tiny figure trembled in my arms, and I clutched on tight for some vital support. My demons needed to be saved. I ached to get out.

I was standing between the two of them, while Nandini gave me an impassive glance. I didn't know how I made it there, but my strong front was betraying me. I was standing eye-to-eye in front of her, clinging on to one last bit of hope that everything I was seeing was a dream. Tell me, Nandini. Tell me; you're with me in this.

The woman standing before me though gave no signs of compassion. Her face was devoid of any pain or anything that was even mildly related to dejection, force or unwillingness. She felt foreign, apathetic and horrifyingly distant. I wouldn't be lying if I said I was afraid of her then.

It was bound to happen. I don't know I was the slightest of surprised. The old, scarred Manik knew what was going to happen if he let his guard down. I'd made her my world, but now that world didn't feel like mine. The world I'd created was rejecting me. The unfathomable pain of rejection was undeniably the worst feeling any human can undergo. My anxiety had a physical aspect, and I'd felt that pain before. My body violently trembled as I tried to hold myself together, and not break down in a professional space. I gave her everything I had, selflessly, not considering that I needed to save something for myself. The regime I created by spending months conditioning myself to remain guarded broke in a matter of weeks because of her.

My brain flashed back into reality for one moment, where I could hear chatters-many of them. There were a handful of people, in fact, quite some handfuls. As my eyes shifted from hers, I saw that there was quite a gathering around. I shut my eyes to relieve myself, but they burned even when they were closed, replaying them holding hands. Voices around me mellowed down as Aryamann stood at the entrance of her cabin. I noticed I was stumped behind somewhere in the midst of the gathering, and that fact struck a chord in me.

I was not one of them, I was just an ordinary man, with an ordinary life. No power, no wealth, no status and no manipulative games. I stood in a crowd, blending in with them as if I was nobody to her. Maybe she was showing me where I belonged.

I was trying to divert my attention from myself, my feelings and fairytale dreams. A massive audience, two happy people, some cheers, some longing gazes, some judgmental gazes, some clueless faces, and one heartbroken man, with a beautiful baby in his arms. I couldn't seek anything else when I needed to be explored.

I noticed how slick his fingers were slipping off her hand, as they went around her body, resting gently on her waist. I couldn't move a limb though I wanted to punch the arrogant smirk off his face, I couldn't utter a word though I wanted to scream my lungs out, and so I let my feelings overpower me until all I could feel was void. Numbness.

She flicked a few strands of her hair away from her face and gleamed at everyone with pride all over it, avoiding me promptly. Her focus shifted to Richard, another only familiar face in the crowd, who was standing at proximity and they shared coy smiles too.

I couldn't feel air filling my lungs. In that one moment, I wasn't even breathing. Naina squirmed in my arms aggrieved, placing her head closer to my heart. Can a baby be more beautiful than her? Perhaps she could predict her Daddy's heartbreak and wanted to hear the shattering, to break the bottle of feelings he was sealing and to console him.

"There's something we want you all to know." I was trying very hard to keep my ears and eyes open and develop a strong front to face it. It was the last tingling bit of hope I had left in me, not on her but my love for her, that I was all wrong.

"Nandini and I are together." I blinked once, as far as I can remember, before meeting her eyes again. I searched for something so desperately, but it had slipped a long time ago. He blew my hope away, like an insignificant feather amongst the rest of the feathers on the wings of a bird, I fell, far into an abyss and in a place too dark.

Claps echoed in the vicinity as if mocking my broken heart, stepping over its shattered pieces like it meant nothing. A commoner like me meant nothing in a world of power.

Only that morning, I was telling myself how wonderful life was treating me, and how we were a happy family. I counted my happy days too early that they were gone too soon before I could make memories, I was bound to cherish them. What about the God I prayed to? Why couldn't he answer my prayers? What did I do wrong that he had to punish me with exactly the opposite things I'd wished for?

I stared at her, longingly. My skin itched to be ripped apart. I'd realized I wasn't comfortable in being myself. I was seeking signs of validation from her from day one, but she denied them and was all smiles to the rest of the world. How could she smile after everything between us? Especially after yesterday, how could Nandini be so happy without me? Did nothing affect her? I tried to reverse the last few days we spent in my head, but I felt so empty to process anything. His hand on her, my heart couldn't take it.

Blankly, I smiled, a small painful smile as I fell bait and allowed myself to be played in her games yet again. My stomach filled up, as I inhaled deeply, after what seemed like hours. Every little struggle is making you stronger in ways you aren't supposed to know yet; I remembered my dad's words from the first escalation meeting I had when I was new to this job. If only this were a little struggle too, never being enough...

It was like a tornado had blown into my life, witnessed my calm and serenity, and blew up a storm to compensate the excessive joy. It wasn't bittersweet, once it was all sweet and then it was all bitter, imbalance-my daughter adjusted herself on my chest, notifying me-and my senses knocked back in. I held onto my baby with all my life. Thank you for not giving up on Daddy, baby.

Naina pumped me with appreciation, and always credited my love, approving its standards. She was too young to know how to acknowledge it right, but she did, in ways even adults couldn't. I was flawed, but not inadequate, and Naina was one little human, who comforted me in my skin. If she could do that to me, why was I looking anywhere else?

My lips twisted and extended, as my eyes turned blood-red with harsh betrayal but at the same time, a sense of accomplishment. There was nothing to be proud of; I felt stripped naked as a soul, trembling for comfort from her who couldn't care less.

Her vision narrowed down on me, scanning through my bleeding heart with indifference. A mistake is a mistake only when it happens once. At that point, I was done.

I nestled my little one protectively from any pitfalls that I could've neglected her into, spun 180 degrees and walked straight, without looking back once into another unfamiliar world that I'd detached myself from ever since Nandini came in. Every successive step that I took made my chest feel heavy. I was letting go of everything that brought me peace until yesterday. I knew Nandini, until yesterday.

Unfamiliarity is a strange feeling, and most people connect to it, but in very different ways. Some people seek it because they've been jailed to their accustomed pains, while some run from it like they're dodging a high-speed bullet that has the power to ruin their bubbled image of the world.

There was a breaking point. Even storms happen only after the silence. The information slowly seeped into me, and I accepted it with open arms as if it was my destiny. Tears streamed down my cheekbones, making a diversion there and headed towards the corners of my chapped lips that accurately described my current state of mind.

For the first time, in a long time, I felt that my baby and I were alone in this world.

***

Nandini

You broke Manik.

My horrifying reflection taunted me over and over again. I gawked at the mirror, looking into the virtual image I could see in it, the same virtual image Manik witnessed and just... believed. Imagine all the anger in the world was put into a bubble, and that bubble was placed inside my heart, and it burst within me because of me. It would be an understatement to say I loathed my own self in the mirror.

Instinctively, I splashed my face with water another three times, hoping to erase the picture from earlier that day from my mind.

Manik hates me.

I couldn't even justify to myself why I did what I did. I overthought my reasons too far. That smile before he walked out... I felt a few knots tighten in my stomach. My insides churned, grumbling for some food to chew on, that I'd completely neglected all day for that dull announcement. I was low on appetite, and it didn't bother me that I was starving. I had a bigger problem to address.

I turned around, pushing me back into the basin countertop. Grabbing onto it tightly, the way I wanted to hold on to him at that moment, I stood there in the shared bathroom, contemplating my mistake. "Mistake... is that what you'd call this?" My head flicked to the side in one instant, to where the familiar low masculine voice was coming from, but there was no one. I took a deep breath. The strong scent of phenyl grasped my lungs as if provoking me to cleanse my dirty soul and actions. I knew I was a horrible mess; I've been running from myself for longer than I've been running away from him.

There is no way out of this maze. I gasped.

My fingers trembled as I searched up my call history and dialed his number for the 14th time in the last five minutes. I should've dried my shaking hands, but I couldn't bother less about ease of access. Pick up, Manik... I heard two beeps before the tone: 'the number you are trying to reach is currently switched off. Please try again later.' Or never... I knew that was what that tone meant, especially after recollecting his cold, inanimate stare, followed by a smile that made my lungs hollow. Manik...

I held the phone in front of my face and heaved a sigh that burned from within. I was clinging on to that device like my life depended on it, with a mere hope that someone on the other end could pass my message over. "Manik, please aisa mat karo mere saath..." My heart clenched once, and then tears clogged my vision as I dropped down to the floor with an intensity. Even the ceramic couldn't save me if Manik couldn't catch me.

Sharp, sudden thoughts crossed my mind. An emotion that was stronger than hatred was violence, and he was a victim to it; I was his crime. I was poison in his life, but a poison he never gave up on before. Why this time?

I clutched my phone to my chest tightly. Racing heartbeats struggled breaths and the sweat accumulating underneath my clothes were only symptoms. My body trembled like a dead leaf, and all I managed to say was his name, over and over and over again, as if it was a prayer. He was my God, after all, he was supposed to be my strength, he couldn't leave me high and dry, or so I believed. Little did my sane mind know that Gods punish their children when their children wrong them.

"So Ruby..." I could hear my voice reverberate against the four confined walls of the dingy room. It was a dimly lit, dungeon-like place and smelled musty like moist, old wood. A holy dungeon it was. I sat on one of the creaking benches, dangling my legs around, that couldn't reach the floor. In my hands laid a silver studded cross, that I swirled between my fingers. It was dead-silent, as the nuns just finished praying until my childish voice pierced through. She stood up and walked towards me, before tactfully sitting on the creaking plank of wood. With a broad smile, she pulled me into her lap. It was the place where I felt safest, and most cared for.

It was a bright Sunday morning outside, and birds chirped on the vintage windowpanes of the church, enhancing the beauty of the holy palace. Weekends were the best times; I'd spend entire days with Ruby, who would encourage me to do my homework in the mornings, only after which she'd take me out to buy pista kulfis in the afternoon. We'd sit on the boulder at Juhu, and she'd let me sing the songs I learned at church to my heart's content. Giggles, extra kulfis, and stories about God were how we spent those days.

In the evenings, I could play with the kids at the church until dusk. Then when Sunday evening kicked in, the loneliness and dejection would knock at my door. When Ruby would drop me off to the familiar demons guarding my doorstep, I would shake in horror. I'd cry my lungs out, begging her to not leave me. In her eyes, I could see the longing, but her profession demanded no other commitments. I missed my family so much, and words couldn't explain.

"What happens to the people who hurt others? They are sinners too, right? If they believe in God, and worship him, do all their wrongs become right in his eyes?" My seven-year-old self couldn't understand heaven and hell, or devotees and sinners but she knew right from wrong. She knew how animalistic her father was, and she knew how horrified she was in those dark nights, shivering under her bed. Frightened by my own thoughts, I clasped my little hands around her rather-broad waist. She hugged me like my mother never did, kissing my head affectionately a couple of times in concern.

"We are all sinners, Nandu, only on different levels. Jesus is our immaculate father, and no other human can be as perfect as he is. He knows who goes against his principles, but we are all his children. He loves us all like a father, and he disciplines us only because he loves us. If someone is in pain, it's because God decided it. It's the punishment for his/her sin, that's all." I listened carefully, absorbing every word she spoke. Some words were too hard for me to even pronounce, but they sounded genuine coming from her. God is my father. That thought shook me further.

"Does God yell at his children, scare them with a belt, and then wake up in the morning like nothing happened?" I muttered, still holding onto her firmly. She rubbed my back affectionately, feeling my panic. She regretted the comparison she made and was full of sympathy for a toddler who'd been through brutal trauma. If she could do anything to help me, she would, but she knew I was away from danger and I was looked after by safe guardians who'd never hurt me.

To be real, my guardians loved me but just not as much as they enjoyed the money they earned and their bosses. They took good care of me, only on order. There were times when their heart melted for a child who was abandoned by her parents, but they did nothing about it. They couldn't. Putting me in an orphanage would deprive me of the luxury I was legalized to explore, and until the age of 18, if anything happened to me, they and their families would be in big trouble.

Another curious thought popped up in my innocent brain. "Are my parents suffering now, Ruby, because they are away from me?"

"Of course baby, there won't be a single day where they wouldn't be missing you. Even if they don't say it, they love you so much." The words she spoke turned my fears upside down. If God claimed to love, then how could he hurt? If he did hurt, just like my parents did, I refused to believe there was goodness in him.

"I don't like God. He scares me." I said, poking the studs on the cross in my hands with my thumb nail.

I tried scraping them off, and slowly, the cross turned into a sleek mobile phone. A voice merged into near-reality, "There is no punishment where there is no love."

Love.

In the midst of all my grief and self-pity, not for once did it cross me how pathetic I was. Having called for this pain upon myself, I yearned and begged for him to rescue me from my wrongdoings. If I loved him, he should've been the one causing me this pain, but no... But I love him, yes, I do. I loved him and my baby girl more than angels loved God.

Manik was flawlessly beautiful. The luminance he emanated almost blinded the dark with his bright white spirit, that was cleaned to sheer purity. He only reflected beams of goodness, no matter how hard the storms in his life were. He'd battle his problems in silence, but would always give other people a shoulder, allowing them to rely on him, to fight their battles. Without him, I was nothing, nobody.

I hurt him because I loved him. Two people were hurting, because of one person's actions. That pushed me to a state of imbalance. I had no control, no power over my situation or feelings. I could feel my body responding anxiously against my thoughts. I was my own destruction.

I shut my eyes tightly, my lips moving in a rhythm that uttered only one name. Only one person could see me like that and protect me from myself. I needed to see him.

Don't give up on me so quickly, Manik.

I pulled out half a dozen tissues from the dispenser and dabbed them on my face and hands, repeatedly and in a distressed manner. Shoving all my essentials into my bag, I packed up early for the day and left home, in the hope that he'd be there.

***

Navya

The workspace was viewed through a pair of grey, unsaturated glasses. With Manik's disappearance came the denial of peace in the usually rich and healthy environment. The staff walked around nomadically holding stacks of files that yelled 'EMERGENCY, needs Manik's validation,' everyone was mechanical as they went up and about jamming the keyboard, while the indoor plants near the windows sagged in disappointment. Burnt remains and rust remnants flew in the atmosphere, as Manik took away the shimmer that adorned our company's aura.

I strolled into the empty room absentmindedly, yearning his comeback even if it was just for me to make sure he was alright. Only faint traces of their serene presence reflected in the abundant fragrance of baby products. Man, did I miss Naina! It had been four hours since the mishap, and he didn't even care to say goodbye. Neither he didn't respond to my calls, nor revert to my incessant messages. I was infuriated at his stupid stunts, but even at that moment, I wished he'd care about me enough to understand my concern.

I ran my finger along the edge of his cluttered desk, that denoted his current state of mind. He was that man whose surroundings spoke emotions he couldn't. I put in my two cents, trying to fit the absurd pieces together. I was missing in the frame of action when it all happened, trying to coax my son to have his lunch before dropping him off to daycare.

I came to some conclusions using some minimal information I caught off some of the gossip girls. He would've been hurt in more ways than one, seeing his wife spinning in someone else's arms. He would be brutally ruining himself for her foolish decisions to keep away from him and would not want anybody to bother about him when she decided not to consider his feelings. Why did he need her validation, wasn't he was perfect just the way he was? Sometimes, I wondered how lucky a woman Nandini was, to find a man like Manik who loved her more than his own life.

"Manik, tu..." I jumped in astonishment, as I saw a flustered Cabir walk in. He was a little boggled seeing me there when he least expected it. "Listen I don't have time for your irrelevant questions. I'm super pissed at Manik for walking away like that, for fuck's sake!"

"Let's find him?"

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All I have to say is thank you heaps for allowing me to express parts of myself that I find challenging on this platform. I have to thank the handful of readers I have, who put up with my inconsistency but still eagerly wait for a new chapter, I promise you guys are my motivation even during writer's block, and I can literally pull myself together to sit and write for four-six hours a day only because of you guys. You deserve so much more than mere words, but I'm not ameer enough to send parcels right now :P I'm working on it though! Love xx