NOTHING good ever comes of eavesdropping.

Sarah's mother had told her that, over and over. It's how she'd found out about her mother's cancer her father's heart dramas and Dane's parent's divorce. But it was also how she found out about Thena and that Lizzie was dating Neville. So the jury was out on now on the "nothing good" for the most part though it seemed to be the case. It certainly was this time though it wasn't a real revelation, just confirmation really.

Sarah's problem was she was the sort of person that people forgot was there - well until she opened her mouth, then she was loud and hard to miss.

This time, however, they knew she was there, they just didn't realise she was conscious, awake, present.

She didn't blame them, she'd apparently been away with the pixies on and off, for the past three days, drifting in and out, dreaming, hiding out from the real world, healing and generally not facing the truth. It seemed pretty reasonable to Sarah, the real world was a bit too difficult to deal with at the present time. Members of her family were fighting for their life and she and Bean had been ordered to rest brain swelling, bleeding in the wrong places and all because of her own selfishness because Sarah Huntington knew best.

Was she an arrogant, self-centered bitch? That was the $64,000 question she didn't particularly want to answer at the moment.

After her three days in Neverland, she'd finally started to surface properly around Wednesday lunch time. Not that she knew it was Wednesday, not that she cared particularly. But now she was coming out of it if she tried to sleep she heard the screams, felt the car spiral out of control, her arm go up as the airbag activated, felt the pain, felt her head knock the window. Blood, screams. So she closed her eyes tight and tried to will it all away - retreated to the place where Thena, Barb, Dehlia, Malcolm, and Neville held her hand and talked to her about the world, the future, and work - fleeting sightings of a certain 6'2 actor.

She'd talked, groggily, hoarsely that afternoon - been brought up-to-date on everything, Margaret's heart attack and the fact that she was now healing fast, Emerald's dramatic birth and her slow, hard struggle and Lizzie - Lizzie who was also drifting in and out of consciousness not out of the woods but at least standing somewhere near a clearing. She had a long way to go too.

Sarah tried not to feel the guilt that slammed her when her thoughts were too wakeful, tried not to see the pain in the eyes of her beloved cousin, her sister - her family when they talked about what had happened. She tried to focus on Dane's Bafta, on staying still to give her baby a chance to go to term, a chance its cousin had taken from her by a stupid selfish decision. She tried not to wonder how much of the drugs pumped into her were crossing the placenta, what damage they were doing to Beanie. She tried not to see herself as selfish and manipulative, someone who had almost got them all killed.

She tried not to wonder why the universe was letting her raise a child -on her own it seemed though.

But she deserved that.

Everything that the Hilditch's were going through was all down to her - confirmation of that came on the Wednesday night after official visiting hours. Dane had finally slipped quietly in when there should be no one here to question him, not that there should be questions, the world knew they were friends, old friends, good friends, family; but not that they would or could be a family, her, him and baby Bean. She briefly wondered then if he had told the world, released something? She wondered how she'd feel about that. And she realised she was not as adverse as she would have been. But then if he'd told the world, claimed her and their child then why was he sneaking around?

And why the nurses, male and female, were currently paying her extra attention - she'd had pillows fluffed, and blood pressure taken - twice since Dane arrived. She got it she really did - he was a drawcard, a good looking man in a time of heartache sweetly visiting his mother, sister, niece and his best friend.

What would they think if they knew his secret?

His not so little secret.

Sarah tried not to think on that further - all she cared about was that Dane was here now, finally, tired and drawn from meetings and she suspected the long days and nights of hospital visits, but here, holding her hand, talking to her gently. After the "extra" medical attention - which oblivious Dane had dismissed as "it's so great to see them taking such good care of you both" things had settled and she'd relaxed. He'd been telling her about the awards, about his return to the US at the weekend and the Oscars and she'd drifted off to the sound of his voice, his beautiful fucking sexy voice. She wasn't sure how long she was out 10 minutes, five, twenty?

She woke to raised whispers.

She didn't move, she couldn't really, bed rest had been ordered and monitoring equipment made sure she stayed still ("under bed rest arrest" she had called it this afternoon when she tested the limits). No, Ms Huntington, you can't have a laptop or a mobile- let's wait until you can sit up and take solids, shall we? Minor technicalities she could work around drips and immobility surely?

"I see you snuck in again, I'm surprised you've come at all," Neville had hissed. She was sure it was Neville.

"They're my world, of course, I'm here," Dane's voice whispered back.

"That's not what the press release said, it's not what you told the doctor, for someone so worried about her you've hardly seen her."

Sarah felt Dane stiffen in her hand (and not in the fun way). He gently reluctantly dropped her fingers - she felt a sense of loss that she couldn't explain and didn't want to think about.

He turned to his brother-in-law who was shaking his head, standing up to be face-to-face with him worried she might hear this conversation, not really wanting to have it, wishing Neville could understand.

"I love them, of course, I do - that's my child in there, you aren't the only one who almost lost his family," he said quietly.

Neville let out a breath.

He sounded language.

"What do you know of family Dane - you've put your job first - your career. She loves you - she always had - all this happened because she loves you and you've hardly even recognised she exists," he growled a tremor in his voice.

If she'd opened her eyes Sarah would have seen Dane cock his head inquisitively, seen Neville nod.

"Your mum told Jayne, she had been going to wait but it was so sweet how Sarah wanted to see you at the Bafta's that she'd decided to drive in that rain even though she hadn't been feeling well."

Sarah didn't see his stricken eyes at that, his anguish. She kind of didn't have to. She knew him too well, felt his body deflate, heard him sag heavily into the chair by the bed.

"This all happened because she was desperate to see you," Neville hissed.

"And you haven't even had the decency to sit with her for more than twenty minutes here and there."

Dane took a long shaky breath.

"I was protecting them," he said with an equally shaky voice.

"I wanted to be here, I didn't want to be anywhere else, but it's not that easy.

"They... we didn't need the scandal - the extra media attention - that bump under the sheet is "Dane Hilditch's love child" Neville - it's not a baby, it's not Bean, that's a bloody good news story, the baby of well-known television personality Sarah Huntington and Dane fucking Hilditch actor.

"It's a little time bomb.

"I couldn't bring that down on the family, on her, not now. None of us needed it, not now."

He sounded emotional more sad than angry, more frustrated and anguished.

She'd done this to him, to them; he was fighting with his best friend.

One mistake and they were all paying for it.

Their comfortable lives completely arse over tit.

She heard footsteps, Neville obviously moving closer to Dane.

"They needed me and I couldn't be there and it kills me, Nev, it kills me - but I'm not what they need," Dane half sobbed.

Her heart broke. She'd done this to him.

One mistake and she'd broken him. Made him make an impossible choice that she'd never ever want him to make never expect him to make.

"You're exactly what they need Dane, they just need someone to love them, they don't need you to be an academy award winner or the most successful actor in the world Sarah and the baby just need their Will, Daddy," Neville said quietly.

"And I don't think I can do it," he said, it was almost a whisper.

"We all think that - but you can my friend, I know you can."

A knock on the door interrupted the conversation then, Lizzie was awake and asking for Neville.

"It will all be okay Dane, you'll see," Neville added, footsteps were heard and the door opened and closed.

The room plunged into silence.

And somewhere in the quiet Tom took her hand again.

Sarah thought about feigning sleep for a while longer, but she couldn't. Could she?

She opened her eyes tentatively. His face was pale and drawn and his eyes were red-rimmed, brown-gold hair was a riot, short and just starting to curl, it looked like he had been raking his fingers through it - a nervous habit he had when he needed to think and ponder. The stark white walls did nothing for his complexion making the three days growth of stubble stand out starkly on his face.

He looked like a wreck.

She was ruining him and she couldn't do it any longer.

"How much did you hear?" he asked quietly.

Sarah thought of feigning innocence but she wasn't the actor Tom was and he could read her like a book.

"Enough," she sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be Fox, it's just, I love you, I need you but, I'm, I'm not strong enough to do this, I'm too selfish and too..........." he trailed off.

"We both are," Sarah said, trailing a hand gently over her stomach.

"I love you both but I don't think that automatically makes it right, makes us a family and Bean needs a family, people who love he or she first. This was a mistake, an accident and I don't think we should all pay for it. Especially not Bean"

She squeezed his hand and fought back tears.

"I think we need to think about alternatives, I'm not cut out to be a mother," she started.

"You'll be great," he interrupted "And I'll try harder."

She shushed him then.

"I've had doubts from the beginning - I'm not maternal, I it's not me, I think we should think about Dimitri and Boyd. They're our best friends and they want a baby and Bean needs two parents who love each other and want him," her voice was cracking, it made sense, it was logical. It was a solution but watching his face, the pain and feeling it herself...........

"Have you asked them?" he said in a little voice she'd never heard before.

She shook her head lightly and winced, there was still pain, and there would always be some sort of pain she was a fuck up.

She couldn't have everything. She couldn't cope with it and she didn't deserve it.

"We can't do this Dane, we're best friends, we're too selfish and self-centred to be a couple let alone parents."

Dane let out a sigh of resignation.

Too tired to argue.

Too tired to argue.

They had a secret. It was killing them both and something had to give.