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Kabanata 21

Lalaine was like the perfect girl for Joaquin... Kung iisiping isang nobela ito siguro ako pa ang mukhang the other girl sa love story nila. Come to think of it, they can make a perfect love story. They were childhood sweethearts...and both successful now. Pang-male lead character si Joaquin at pasado rin na female lead ang mahinhin at magandang si Lalaine.

Hindi ba't iyon naman ang madalas na gusto ng mga mambabasa? A gentle...and virgin...main character. Parang kasi kapag wala na ang virginity ng isang babae, o hindi niya ito naunang maibigay sa male lead ay parang may mali na... Some...women readers...might not like reading stories with non virgin heroine...

Bakit...? Does that really make her less worthy of the hero...? And how about the hero? Usually it's not a problem with the male main character... Some would think that it's normal... Pero kapag sa side na ng babaeng bida parang may mali na... I don't quite understand...

And to think that most readers sometimes are women... Hindi ba't kahit pa sabihing fiction lang naman ito ay parang binababa na rin nila ang kapwa nila babae?

Minsan talaga tayo-tayo lang din ang naghihilahan pababa...

Women can make their own choices, too. Hindi palaging tama ang mga desisyon natin sa buhay. S'yempre may mga mali rin tayo. And sometimes the sad truth is that we learn our mistakes when it's already too late and it becomes regret. But I guess, ganoon lang talaga... We were not put into this world perfect. I think it's all about trial and error... We are challenged, we're tested... And then we learn from it. No matter if it might seem already late... But I guess the important thing is that you still learned from it. After all we become better version after learning from our past actions...

I realized that if I cannot forgive myself because of my past... And then other people already couldn't forgive and forget my past actions...then I wouldn't be able to move on with them. Kung patuloy kong paparusahan ang sarili ko dahil lang sa mga bagay na akala ko lang naman noon ay tamang gawin...o na ayos lang, na mga bagay na hindi ko pa alam at natutunan noon. Kung ako mismo ay sisisihin din ang sarili ko sa mga dating nagawa, tingin ko ay tinutulungan ko pa ang ibang tao na ibagsak ako...

Maybe that's why they say to be kinder to yourself, too... Kasi minsan hindi na siguro natin talagang napagtutuunan ito ng pansin, pero madalas parang mas nagiging mabait pa talaga tayo sa ibang mga tao kaysa sa sarili natin. Don't we find it easier to praise other people for being pretty, clever, talented, etc... It's easy to cheer other people up... But do we praise and cheer ourselves as how much we can do that to others?

Minsan talaga ay nakakalimutan din natin ang mga sarili natin... Hindi na natin nakikita ang mga magaganda rin namang qualities na mayroon tayo. It's a sad reality but sometimes we become the hater of our own self, too...

And when we talk about self love... I think it can start by accepting all of you first... Accepting everything about yourself including your past, present, and whatever your future self will be...

Dahil wala naman sigurong ibang taong mas makakaintindi sa 'yo ng lubos-lubos kundi ang sarili mo lang din...

I realized that I didn't want to feel this way anymore... I should love myself more. To be honest I miss laughing at myself...even if other people might call that self of mine stupid... I think I just miss the old me despite the imperfections...

"Joaquin, can I meet my friends?"

"Oh, sure. When?"

I smiled and I felt relief. Hindi naman talaga ako kinukulong ni Joaquin dito sa penthouse. Ako lang din itong masyado na yatang nagpapakabait, thinking to redeem myself now from my past self...

But now I just realized that no matter how ugly I may have been in the eyes of others just because of the things that I did that doesn't pass everyone else's standards... I still had fun. I was happy and I believe I did not hurt anyone, wala naman akong tinapakan na ibang tao. I didn't look down on anyone. Hindi naman ako nandaya, o kung ano pa man... Kaya bakit parang ang sama-sama ko... Or maybe because that's what I thought of myself, too...

"Tomorrow sana. Just catch up with them."

"Where? May I know?"

Tumango ako. "Sure! I'll update you kapag fixed na rin ang meeting time and place namin." I smiled to Joaquin.

"Oh! And don't worry. I won't party." I added and grinned.

Joaquin smiled and sighed. Lumapit pa siya sa akin at marahan akong hinawakan sa pisngi ko. "You can still do that..." But I can sense his little hesitation, too...

I smirked. "Be honest, Joaquin..." I smiled to him.

He sighed again. "Right. I'm just worried, you know... Club parties aren't really the best place..."

Tumango na ako sa sinabi niya. Tama naman siya. And I have already learned from last time... I smiled. "You're right. That's why we'll just do something wholesome with the girls. Susunduin na lang din ako ni Anja dito bukas."

Joaquin nodded. "All right. Just give me updates, if that's not too much to ask..."

I smiled at my worried husband. "Sure, of course."

Pagkatapos ay pinaghain ko na siya ng breakfast. Sabay lang kaming kumain gaya ng nakasanayan na. Pagkatapos ay handa na rin siya sa pag-alis ng bahay. I already made sure na maayos naman ang suot niya at dala niya ang lahat ng mga kailangan niya sa trabaho.

"See you later. Take care, Joaquin." bilin ko sa kaniya.

"I will. Please just call me for anything. Or my secretary." Hinagkan niya ako.

I smiled contentedly. "Yes. I love you."

He smiled, too, after hearing me say that. "I love you."

Pagkatapos ay nakaalis na siya. I sighed. Alam ko namang mahal na namin ni Joaquin ang isa't isa... Gaya ng sabi niya sa akin ay hindi rin naman siya mahirap na mahalin. Mabait siya sa akin and he respects me, too. He promised to protect me, and I promise to be a good wife to him, too. I think marriage is also a give and take relationship... Napangiti ako. Bago pa lang kami ni Joaquin sa pag-aasawa. And I'm just willing to learn more about married life.

"Angel! Ngayon ka lang uli namin nakita!" Excited akong niyakap ng isa pa naming kaibigan ni Anja. Sinundo niya nga ako sa penthouse namin ni Joaquin ngayon at dinala rito to meet with our girl friends. Maaga pa and we did not plan to party. Talagang catch up lang din ngayon while we pamper ourselves, too. Which I liked.

Ngumiti ako at niyakap din ang mga kaibigan na namiss ko rin talaga. But when I saw Megan, pareho lang kaming umirap sa isa't isa.

Mukhang unsuccessful siya sa pagpupumilit noon na makapasok sa buhay namin ni Joaquin kaya mukha ring tumigil na rin siya. Mabuti naman. Dahil hindi ako habambuhay lang na magpapasensya sa kaniya. I was just trying to be a good woman for the sake of my husband, dahil kung hindi ay pinatulan ko na rin agad siya. Akala ba niya ay nakakatuwa ang ginawa niya.

The difference between Megan and Lalaine... I just can't help it but to compare now. Kay Megan parang mas inis lang ang nararamdaman ko. Because she's just too obvious with her hidden agendas... While with Lalaine, I can truly get insecure... Because I feel like the woman has the qualities that I don't... At pakiramdam ko ay mas magiging mabuti siyang asawa kay Joaquin...

But I also already shook the thought away. It will just cloud my mind. Nagpatuloy na lang ako sa pagngiti at pangungumusta sa mga kaibigan ko. Nagpaalam din si Megan na may iba pa pala siyang lakad ngayon. And the girls just let her.

"Kailan ba kayo magpapakasal ni kuya?" tanong ko sa kaibigang si Anja.

"Haynaku, Angel! Ewan ko ba..."

"Wait, don't tell me...may problema ba kayo ng kuya ko?"

She shook her head. "Wala naman. Andres Jose's just really busy with work."

Napangiti na lang ako habang nakikinig sa kaibigan dahil mukhang okay lang naman ang relasyon din nila ng kapatid ko.

"I'm actually proud of you thinking that you looked just fine with having a husband who's really busy. Nakakapag-sex pa ba kayong madalas n'yan?"

Halos maibuga ko ang juice na ininom. "Ano ka ba, Anja..." Napatingin pa ako sa paligid kung may nakarinig ba at nahiya ako para sa bibig ng kaibigan.

"What?" Anja looked like she couldn't believe my reaction... Tsk.

Sinimangutan ko naman siya.

And then she chuckled. "You've really changed, Angel..." She gently smiled to me.

Nagbuntong-hininga na lang ako. Mukhang nasanay na rin kasi akong maging mas pormal, since I was surrounded with respected people these days because of Joaquin's work.

"But I think it's good for you." Anja smiled.

Ngumiti na rin ako habang nakatingin din sa kaibigan.

"Pero ano nga?" balik pa rin niya sa topic...

I just almost rolled my eyes at my best friend. "Of course..." mahina ko lang naman na sagot. At nilapag ang drinks ko sa tabi habang nagpapa-manicure and pedicure kami rito sa paborito namin.

Ngumisi sa akin si Anja, at inikutan ko na lang siya ng mga mata ko. Tumawa lang din siya.

"Did you have fun today with your friends?" Joaquin welcomed me home with a gentle smile. Ginabi na rin kami sa Spa at pinaalam ko naman iyon sa kaniya.

Lumapad naman ang ngiti ko asawa ko. "Yes..." And then I even started telling my husband details about how my day went nicely with the girls.

"Glad to hear that." Joaquin said after.

I smiled happily to him.

I really got lucky with my husband.

I may not be the perfect wife to him, or I may be undeserving... But I will love and care for my husband the way he cares about me...