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Kabanata 18

Paglabas ko ng banyo ay nakasalubong ko naman si Lalaine. Pareho kaming unti-unting bumagal ang mga hakbang at huminto sa harap ng isa't isa. "This is the way to the bathroom..." Tinuro ko na rin sa kaniya at baka hinahanap din niya ang banyo...

Marahan naman siyang umiling sa akin. "Actually I want to apologize to you..." she said.

Lalo pa akong natigilan at nanatili lang na nakatingin sa kaniya. She sighed. "I'm sorry for how Tita Miranda acted... I thought that it might have made you uncomfortable..."

Umiling ako at ngumiti sa kaniya. I can still act as if everything's just okay. "Ayos lang 'yon... I understand that it can't be helped...since you and Joaquin grew up together..." I smiled.

Bahagya na rin siyang ngumiti sa akin. "I'm glad that you understand..."

I shook my head. "It's all right." I gave her a reassuring smile.

Pagkatapos ay sumabay siya sa akin pabalik kina mama at sa mga bisita.

Kinaya ko lang na manatili sa birthday celebration ng mama ni Joaquin. At tuluyan lang akong nakahinga nang nakauwi na kami sa bahay...

"Joaquin...what's your relationship with Lalaine?" I can't help it but ask him.

Bumaling naman sa akin si Joaquin at nanatili sa akin ang tingin niya. "What do you mean...? She's a friend."

"Just childhood friend?" I probed.

Tumingin sa akin si Joaquin. "Yes. Why?"

I looked away. "Wala naman... Baka lang kasi may iba pa pala kayong relasyon noon bukod sa pagkakaibigan..." sabi kong hindi nakatingin sa kaniya.

"What do you mean? What kind of relationship?"

Hindi ko nasagot ang tanong niya. Dinagdagan pa niya ang sinabi. "Are you trying to say...friendship with the benefits...?" He shook his head. "I didn't do things like that, Angelica." aniyang mukhang naging seryoso na.

Wala na akong sinabi nang magsalita siyang muli. "Did you?" he asked me.

My eyes widened a fraction as I looked at him and my lips parted.

He sighed. "Come on, it's late and we're tired. Let's get some rest now." he said.

Sumunod na lang din ako sa kaniya...

Tahimik na ako habang naghahanda na kami sa pagtulog. I lie down on my side of the bed. And Joaquin followed beside me. Tumalikod ako sa banda niya. Mayamaya pa ay naramdaman ko ang pagyakap sa akin ng braso ni Joaquin galing sa likod ko.

"I'm sorry." Pagkatapos ay malambing niya akong hinagkan. "I didn't mean anything..."

'Tapos naalala ko ang naging usapan namin kanina... I caressed his arm that was wrapped around me instead. "It's all right..." sabi ko lang at pinikit na ang mga mata.

Nang magising ako kinabukasan ay wala na sa tabi ko si Joaquin. I sighed. Just same days every day...

Sa sobrang boredom ko ay naisipan ko na rin linisan ang office study ni Joaquin dito sa bahay namin. Bucky was resting and we couldn't play. Ang dami ko na rin napanood na movies sa Netflix at madalas na lang din ang pakikinig ko ng random music. Nauubusan na talaga ako ng gawain dito sa bahay. If only we have a baby that I can take care of... I wouldn't be feeling this alone in our home... Especially when Joaquin's out for work.

I was cleaning when an old magazine that featured Joaquin in its cover automatically caught my attention. Tumigil muna ako sa paglilinis at kinuha ko iyon. I started reading the pages about my husband. At may sinabi siya doon sa interview niya na nakakuha ng atensyon ko...

Joaquin's ideal type of a girl was someone conservative and reserved...

Nagbuntong-hininga ako at tinabi na lang iyon. I continued and finished cleaning.

It took me hours to clean the study because I also cleaned the book shelves. Kaya hapon na rin nang matapos ako. Nang pagabi na ay nagluto na ako ng dinner namin ni Joaquin sa kusina. Sinusubukan din naman niya na maaga palagi makauwi at makapagsabay din kami sa dinner. Gaya sa breakfast na palagi rin kaming sabay kumain. And sometimes pinupuntahan ko rin siya sa company building nila para sabay na rin kaming makapag-lunch kapag dinadalhan ko siya ng pagkain doon. Hindi ko nga lang inaaraw-araw ang pagpunta sa opisina niya dahil ayaw ko naman na baka may masabi pa ang mga empleyado niya...or business partners... I sighed.

When I heard the doorbell, alam kong si Joaquin na iyon. Handa na rin ang mga pagkaing niluto ko sa mesa. At nag-message din kanina sa akin si Joaquin na pauwi na nga siya. Medyo mas maaga siya ngayon kaya natuwa naman ako.

"Hi!" I greeted him as I opened the main door of our penthouse for him. I smiled.

Sinalubong din ako ni Joaquin ng isang gwapong ngiti. And then he reached for me and kissed my cheek. "Hi."

"How's your work today?"

"It's fine. Madami lang meetings. How about here? I know you've been bored here..." He sighed. "We'll have our vacation soon, okay?"

I smiled. "It's okay, Joaquin. I understand your job."

Pagkatapos ay dumeretso na muna kami sa dining area para makakain. Joaquin and I talked about how our day went as we ate dinner. And then after we ended the day with Joaquin and I comfortably cuddled in our bed.

"May nabasa nga pala ako sa luma mong magazine sa study... Naglinis kasi ako doon kanina."

"Hmm? What was it?"

"I've read about your ideal type of a girl... Gusto mo pala ng conservative..." Pinakita ko sa kaniya ang ngiti ko. Na parang wala lang ito.

"Oh, that. My old interview, huh..."

"Yes... And I just want to let you know that I was never conservative, you know..." Tinago ko ang mga mata ko mula sa kaniya para hindi niya makita at baka may mabasa pa siya sa mga mata ko...

"Hey..." He nipped my chin and made me face him. Nanatili kaming nakahiga sa kama namin na nakatagilid at nakaharap sa isa't isa. I looked at Joaquin's eyes. And then Joaquin said. "That was just an old interview. Sinagot ko lang noon ang mga tanong sa akin. But that doesn't mean I was serious about it, or that's really it... I mean it's just an ideal, Angel... We don't know who we'll fall in love with. And I fell for you. It doesn't matter to me."

Unti-unti na akong ngumiti sa naging sagot sa akin ni Joaquin. "When did you realize that you're already in love with me?" Natanong ko na rin sa kaniya. We already said I love yous to each other. Noong una medyo may hiyaan pa...pero parang naging normal na lang din iyon sa amin na sabihin sa isa't isa dahil mag-asawa na rin naman kami...

"At first I knew that I like you. You were not really hard to like, you know."

"How do you say that?"

"Well, you're easy to be with. You try to understand me, too. Like all the time..." Tumingin siya sa mga mata ko. "And I really appreciate it, love. Thank you..."

Ngumiti ako. "You're welcome."

And then we gave each other's lips a soft kiss...

"Does it bother you... How our conversion went the other day?" marahan niyang tanong sa akin.

Unti-unti akong umiling. Ngumiti ako sa asawa ko. "Hindi naman, Joaquin... It's all right..." I gave him a reassuring smile.

He breathed. "I didn't meant anything...or something else about it, babe. I just... I shouldn't have asked you..." Hindi niya halos maayos o matuloy ang sinasabi niya.

Ngumiti lang naman ako. "Can I answer your question now?"

Mukha siyang nagulat na tumingin sa akin. He didn't nod or shake his head. Pero sinagot ko na siya. "I did..." I'm not proud of it. And to be honest nahihiya rin akong aminin ito kay Joaquin. But I never was a good girl... I did things that people might not approve of... Bata pa ako pero kung ano-ano na ang na experience ko. I had boyfriends and I slept with them. At kahit nga hindi ko boyfriend na nakilala lang sa club... I did one-night stand. I did fuck buddy... "I was a curious girl... And I thought that it's okay because other people, my friends, my brothers... They did it. So I thought...I can do it, too, right..." I told Joaquin.

Bumangon ako mula sa pagkakahiga namin. And then I hugged my knees... "When I met you, Joaquin, I kind of regretted the way I was before we met..." Malungkot akong napangiti. Truth was that I was really bothered... "I feel like you're too good to be true for me... And I don't deserve..." Naramdaman ko na ang pag-iinit ng mga mata ko. Mukhang maiiyak na nga ako. But I can't cry, right? It's petty...

Pagkatapos ay naramdaman ko na ang pagyakap sa akin ni Joaquin. Hindi pa siya nakuntento at dinala niya pa ako sa mga hita niya para paupuin doon at niyakap lang ako, to comfort me. Hinagkan niya rin ako sa noo at sa buhok ko. Ilang sandali kaming nanatiling tahimik, as my husband just comforted me.

"I'm sorry..." sabi ni Joaquin habang hinahagkan ako. "I don't want you to feel this way... Gaya ng sinabi ko na sa 'yo dati, it's in the past now... Ako rin naman may mga ginawang bagay bago pa tayo nagkakilala." And then he sighed. "To be honest I just feel jealousy too when I think about the boys you were with..." Mabigat siyang nagbuntong-hininga. "I wish we met earlier or..." He sighed again. "But it's all right now. Let's just leave it all in the past."

"I'm sorry, Joaquin." I am sorry for being less of a woman that you deserve...

"Shush. There's nothing to be sorry about." Muli niya lang akong hinagkan.

And somehow I felt relieved after our talk. Parang gumaan kahit papaano ang kalooban ko pagkatapos ng usapang ito namin ni Joaquin.

But days after I'm still insecure... Lalo na nang mas lalo ko pang makilala si Lalaine... Ang kababata ni Joaquin...