Cade...

When I wake up, I have this light and happy feeling for company. I also seem to have acquired a ridiculously wide and permanent smile on my still sleepy face. Breathing in deeply with a warming contentment growing inside of me, I slowly turn over, wanting to see the beautiful person who makes me feel this way.

Looking at the cold and empty space, I keep blinking over and over. With a burning disappointment now starting to flood my veins, I become fully awake with the realisation of just how empty my bed now actually feels.

"Sophia?" The silence hits me like a short sharp slap to my face. Naked, I start wandering through the all-too-quiet apartment. Never, have I ever cared whether the women I have slept with are still in my bed or not. And never, have I actually got up and searched to see whether they are still in my apartment. What the hell is happening to me? Sophia has somehow changed everything. She's not even here...and she has managed to change everything.

Why would she leave so abruptly?

Had I done something wrong?

My stupid thoughts start taking over, thoughts that aren't even welcome in my mind.

Trudging to the shower, I intend on washing Sophia completely from out of my mind. It was just a one night thing.

I knew that.

She knew that.

So I don't even know why I am feeling so disappointed to discover that she has gone. Of course she would be gone. She had no reason to ever stay. Get over it, Lapley! I angrily tell myself as I start lathering up my hair with the shampoo, my anger now at the tips of my fingers as I painfully massage my scalp with growing annoyance. But as I close my eyes to the burning sting of the shampoo, I am hit with the taunting memory of her soft smile and her vulnerable grey eyes. With the powerful spray of the water hitting my head and my body, I can't get rid of Sophia. She's in my head. She still lingers on my skin. She is everywhere. But she can't be. Just like Sophia has already left my bed, she now has to leave my mind. I don't want her inside of it. It's not a place for any woman. Shit, I never should have brought her back here to sleep with me. She was pining over some heartless prick, who to me, never rightly deserved her. And somehow, her vulnerability has crawled right under my skin and is now going to slowly drive me insane. Why? Why? Why?

Why is it even bothering me?

Why do I even care?

Because you do care. Are what my thoughts so snidely tell me.

And that's the problem right there...I care.

I care and I shouldn't.

I care and I don't want to.

I am Cade Lapley. I like doing more of what I shouldn't and less of what I should.

I drink too much.

Shag too much.

I am selfish and incapable of giving a damn about anyone else other than myself. It's just the Lapley way. Not giving a damn runs in my cruel blood. We take what we want, when we want it. Have who we want, when we want them. We treat others as others wouldn't even dare to treat us. We do it because we can and we do it because our name allows us to. Which is why I am confused and guarded by what I am feeling for Sophia. She will eventually get over her hurt. Whereas I, am just forever damaged. I was born damaged. I grew up damaged. Showered with wealth and deprived of love, I will always be incapable of being a loving man. Just like my mother, I don't have the capacity to function in a normal and emotional way. She always starved me of such things, so her coldness has been inbred in me. Which is why I can't be feeling what I feel for Sophia. She deserves so much more than I can ever give her. I think even her prick of an ex boyfriend is far more worthy of her than I ever would be. So I should be glad that she has walked away from me. If I were her, I would run for my life away from me. I would run and never look back. Sophia brought a brief and wonderful ray of light to my cold and unfeeling world, and as selfish as I know I am, I must now let her beautiful rays of light shine into someone else's world, because I will never be capable of giving her what she needs. If she ever gave me the chance, I would only hurt her. I would hurt her badly. Often the deepest of wounds are caused by those with the shallowest of hearts. And my heart is selfishly shallow. So shallow, nothing can ever survive there. So I need to let last night go. I need to forget Sophia, her vulnerability and her gorgeous grey eyes. I need to forget them all. But my selfishness is clinging on for dear life. It doesn't want to easily let go. It's being bravely defiant. But I force it back. I regretfully force it back, knowing that the hardest thing about letting go, is resisting the need to hang on.