I winced when I stood. Fresh bruises were marking my stomach. I wasn't sure why he always felt like he had to do this sort of thing when I hadn't even done anything to deserve it. I'd stayed on campus. I'd stayed in my dorms. Yet he'd still hit me.

"Coming," I said through gritted teeth. Okay, so maybe hit wasn't the right word. More like kicked.

Kolleen just about danced her way into my room when I opened the door. "I got the pictures! It's so nice and the rent is reasonable." Her happiness seemed to taper off as she realized I was holding my stomach. "Um, Jes? You're not-"

My eyes widened. "No, absolutely not. Josh was just over earlier." I ducked my head, unwilling to meet her eyes. The fact she seemed to understand right away left me really embarrassed. "Anyway, you were saying about the apartment?" I made my way back to my bed and sat on the edge.

"Right, right." She pulled up pictures on her phone and held it up for me. "This is the place. I went to a couple of other places, but this one felt like the one. The place is pretty roomy compared to the dorms and we'd have some privacy, too. Apparently, all of the tenants were seniors and they all moved out right after graduation. They left behind a lot of trash and damage, so this is the only available unit for the time being. We wouldn't have to worry about neighbors throwing noisy parties. Also, the rent is cheap, it's all furnished, and most things are new."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Graduation was nearly six months ago. She's just now renting this unit out?" I doubted the landlady was being honest.

"Well, I mean, she had one other person rent it since it was finished, but she's been having problems with the people working on it. They messed up a lot and she's having someone fix what they left behind. It's taking a lot longer than it should have."

I nodded. I still wasn't sure about the story, but I couldn't deny it was nice place. When she told me the price, I couldn't deny it was doable. The pictures she'd taken showed the living room and the two bedrooms. "Where's the kitchen?"

Kolleen sighed. "It's about two feet of counters, a single cupboard, a hotplate, and an old fridge. Not worth writing home about."

I shook my head. "Well, what can you expect, I guess? Oh, well. I like the place and the price is right. If you want to, go ahead and tell her we want it."

"Will do!" She happily hopped up and called the landlady.

As I listened to her talk, I found myself lost in thoughts about Josh. I wasn't going to break up with him. I couldn't. But what else would he think when I told him I was going to move off-campus? I was going to go to a place where he wouldn't have as much access to me. I was pretty much going to be out of his reach most of the time.

The amount of relief I felt from that thought was overwhelming. I felt guilty for it, though. I loved him. Why would I be happy to not be around someone I'm in love with?

"It's all set," Kolleen said, ripping me out of my thoughts. "She says we can come by in a day or two and she'll have the lease agreement ready for us to sign."

I nodded. "Okay. I'll find some way to come with you."

Kolleen frowned and sat next to me. "Look. Jessie, you're my best friend. We've known each other since middle school. We've been through a lot together. I care about you. Josh knows that. Tell him you're just doing it for me because I need some moral support with the decision and that I'm too scared to live on my own. If you want to, tell him it's only for a couple of weeks, maybe a month, and you'll be back."

"But you're not scared to live on your own," I objected. "You love challenges and you're strong. He's not going to buy it. You're forgetting he's been our friend since freshman year of high school. He knows you too well to buy it."

"Then I don't care what you tell him. Just tell him something he'll believe as to why you're moving into an apartment. Don't forget to tell me, too, so I can back you up on it." She sighed. "Jes, you have to get away from him. That's all there is to it. You shouldn't have to endure all of this. You should be free to do what you like. Love isn't something anyone should hold against you or use to control you like he does."

"What is love?" I asked, turning to her.

"What?"

"What is love, Kolleen? Tell me exactly what it is."

"It's, you know, that bubbly feeling you get when you care about someone and realize they make you happy and feel safe."

"No, I don't know. All I've known is Josh. No one else. You know that. The only guy who's ever asked me out or even cared about me is him."

"But you have liked other-"

"Yeah, I've liked other people, but this is the first time I've been in love. I know other people find other types of love out there, and I hope yours will be different. I don't want you to go through what I do, or worse. I don't want him to treat you as anything less than the strong, independent woman you are."

"Can't you see I want the same for you?" Kolleen grabbed my hand.

I pulled away from her. "I'm sure you do. We all want the best for each other, but you know what?" I raised my voice above hers. "Reality, Kolleen." She stopped speaking. "Reality check. Not everything is going to be perfect. Not even love. I stopped believing that I know anyone capable of loving someone like those songs and fairytales. I stopped reading any books or stories with romance. It doesn't exist outside of their head. That's the reality I've been living in. Love is pain. Love is pain because people want to hurt things they love, as long as it doesn't leave them or fall apart."

"So you want to hurt Josh?"

"Of course not!" I took a deep breath. Really, what was I saying? "Josh loves me more than I love him. I can't walk away from this without breaking him. I know, Kolleen, I know I can't stay without taking the risk that I may fall apart before he stops loving me. But you know what?" I paused a moment. "I don't want to be anyone else's punching bag. I don't want anyone else to love me. No one else can love me if they're sane. I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm ugly, and I could go on. Josh knows that and loves me anyway. If he didn't, he wouldn't tell me those things or do these things. Don't tell me what to do when you don't get the situation."

"Jes, ar-"

"Yes, I'm still going to move in with you." I rubbed my face. "I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm at a total loss here. I want to leave, but I'm also scared to leave. I know he's going to come for me. It's just a matter of time until he does." I winced as I stood. "I'm going to wait to tell Josh I'm moving, but I'm going to tell him I'm taking you to the mall tomorrow. We're going shopping after we sign that thing."

---

I stepped on the bus with Kolleen, glad to be off the campus. Josh had been clingy all morning and I was tired of walking around campus, his hand on the back of my neck and his head on my shoulder. Normally we didn't even hold hands unless he thought someone was checking me out. He didn't want to touch me and even washed his hands after hitting me. It was humiliating at first, but I got used to him doing it. Why he was like that today, I wasn't sure.

"Apartment first, right?" Kolleen asked. I nodded. We rode in silence to our stop. I was glad for it. I didn't want to speak. Being out here, where no one knew what had been going on – I felt free. Every time I set foot out here, I felt like I had broken out of my cage.

But, every time, I knew I would have to walk right back into it. Because I loved him.

Eventually, we reached the apartment building. It looked like a nice place from the street, and the other places around it were nice too. Some young kids were down the street, playing some game. When we went inside, the lobby was small and slightly cramped, but the hallway off of it was wide.

A door opened and an older woman stepped out. She grinned at us. "Come in, come in! You're Miss Chandler, yes?" I nodded. "It's nice to meet you! Your friend told me some about you last time we spoke. Now, I have the papers right here..."

We followed her into the small office and, less than a half hour later, we were walking out as the next tenants of our very own apartment. It was almost surreal. I slipped the key in my pocket, hoping I'd be able to hide it from Josh for a couple of days at least.

"Don't forget we need to go to the mall," I told her. "We need to buy a couple of things there at least. I told Josh we were going shopping there today."

Kolleen nudged me. "Look at you, knowing how to hide things from that maniac."

"He's not a maniac."

"Tell me the definition of a maniac."

I sighed. "Someone who's excessively enthusiastic or has excessive desire for something."

She shook her head. "I meant the other definition. Someone who exhibits violent or bizarre behavior or acts in a wildly irresponsible way. Perfect, no?"

"No. Let's just go to the mall." I didn't want to think about him, if I was honest. I wanted to keep thinking about being out in public, where I had a real secret and no one would give me pitying looks and I was free from worrying if Josh would get angry. Not that I was going to say that out loud. It would have been too embarrassing.

---

Josh was waiting for me in the common room of my dorm when me and Kolleen got back. "You were gone a while," he said when he saw us. "Get anything good?"

"Not a whole lot, but they've added some new stores," I said, smiling at him. "I wanted to go to the new one they just finished on the other side of the city, but I figured we'd be gone for too long if we went there and you'd be too worried."

"Always thinking of your man, huh?" he asked, holding the back of my neck as we walked. I shuddered at his touch. His hand was cold. "Let's see what you girls got today."

The three of us went into my room and Josh watched as we went through what all we'd bought. When I began putting my stuff away, I pulled the receipts from my pockets. I always kept them for a while so I wouldn't have to search for them later if I needed them.

"What's that?" Josh asked.

"Receipts," I said, showing him what was in my hand.

He shook his head. "No, at your feet. It doesn't look like your dorm key."

I looked down. My apartment key. Mild panic tried to claw its way into my chest, but I forced myself to calmly pick it up. "Oh, it's just an old house key," I said, slipping it back into my pocket.

Josh stood. "No, it's not. I know what those looked like." He stopped right in front of me. "You're hiding something, aren't you?"

"I'll see you later, Kolleen," I told her, never taking my eyes off of Josh's. "I'll see you tomorrow," I repeated when she didn't move. After a couple of moments my door shut. One thing I'd realized after a couple of years of this is that if I show weakness this early on, he'll be even worse.

"What are you up to?" he asked.

"Kolleen is moving out of the dorms. That's her apartment key."

"Why do you have it?"

"She gave me her spare in case something happens."

He stared at me. "I think it's something else. Are you going with her?"

"Why would that matter?"

He narrowed his eyes. "Are you actually stupid? If you leave here you're going to cheat on me. I want you to be close to me. Why else would I follow you here? Thanks to you I'm not reaching my potential at a better college. Is that how you're going to thank me?"

My eyes widened. "I didn't force you to come here! And what do you mean, how I thank you?"

He took a step towards me and I stayed where I was. "You make me follow you here, and then you cast me aside like I'm nothing?"

"I'm not casting you aside! Even if I did go stay with her for a little bit, that wouldn't change anything! I'd still love you, even if I'm not on campus every moment of the day!" I was properly yelling now, which I never really did. I hated how it left my throat afterwards. It never seemed worth it.

Josh's face turned stormy. There was a glint in his eyes I'd never seen before. "Oh, really?" I had one last moment to be thoroughly scared before he lunged.