All I really remembered was the feeling of tears dripping on my skin. Tears that weren't mine. They were accompanied by words I hear every time: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it. I love you so much." Those are what he always says. Now, as I lay in my bed dreading the time I will need to get up, I want to laugh at them. These moments in the aftermath make me want to see things clearly. They make me want to admit to myself what is happening and why I'm allowing it to go on.

That's when I start to hate myself. I hate how cowardly I am. I hate how vulnerable I let myself be. My heart breaks when I start to wonder if maybe I should try to leave him before it's too late. Then I start to think that, maybe, it's already too late. Who would want me? No one besides him could love me. With him gone, I would only be alone. He tells me that all the time, too. It's true.

I looked at my bedside clock. It was nearly an hour before I really needed to get up, but I couldn't take being in bed. My thoughts were beyond muddied and I needed to do something before they took over. Once they took over, I'd be done. I wouldn't be able to leave my bed.

Careful to not wake Sara, I gathered my shower things, changed into a robe, and crept out. There was no need for her to get up this early. No one else seemed to be up either, I noticed. I quietly padded to the shared showers and went in. Checking to make sure I was actually alone, I disrobed and checked the damage in the mirror.

Both of my eyes were black and slightly swollen. The handprints on my neck were even darker than they were yesterday. My upper arm was beginning to fade, but it still hurt. As my eyes traveled down, I saw too many bruises to keep track of. My image blurred as I silently took it all in.

I tried to grab my things but my hands were shaking. All of me was shaking. I barely managed to make it into a stall before someone else came in. I turned on the water, gasping when the icy cold water hit me. I felt my tears begin to fall, and once they started, they didn't want to stop. I slid down to the shower floor and cried. Eventually I stopped feeling the cold, and eventually I ran out of tears. The sound of the door closing again pulled me out of my head. Mine was the only shower in use, which meant I'd been there nearly half an hour.

It was time to pull myself together. I couldn't stay on this floor feeling sorry for myself. As I stood, I could feel every place he hit me the day before. Surely he heard me turn Louis down. Still, he insisted that I was going to leave him. He just knew I was going to accept his offer.

I turned the water hot and forced myself to not move or make a sound. The heat would help with the stiffness, I knew. I forced myself to hurry and actually shower so I could get out of there. As it turned out, it wasn't helping me actually get out of my head. Instead, I could feel myself getting farther and farther in.

When I got back, Sara was already up. She took one look at me and I could tell she was repulsed. I felt my face flush and I looked at the floor. I waited for her to leave before getting dressed. When I looked in the mirror and saw the extent of the bruising once more, I knew trying to hide it would be futile. There simply was no way I could. I put on jeans and an old tee I'd gotten from Josh and flopped on my bed.

Memories from the night before began playing, and I forced myself to get up. It was hard enough going to face my classmates with everything so exposed like this. I couldn't allow myself to wallow in how the marks got there.

---

"Oh my God," I heard Kolleen say next to me.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," I said. I sighed and turned towards her dorm. "Let's just go to your room and you can lecture me all you want." I began walking and, as I had all day, I felt the people all turn to look at me. I felt so small all day. Eating lunch with Josh only made it worse. He kept waiting on me and treating me like a princess. It was the first time he'd done that. Maybe he really felt bad, but all the people that noticed kept giving us looks.

It was the looks of pity that felt the worst. Those made me feel so low.

By the time we reached her room, I could tell Kolleen was bursting with questions. There was no escaping them anymore. I dropped my bag and flopped on her bed. "Ask away," I said, waving a hand in the air.

She just looked me over for a long moment, not asking me anything. It was an uncomfortable silence where I could feel everything that wasn't said hovering in the air. I sat up and frowned. As I opened my mouth to ask her why she wasn't saying anything, she spoke. "You need to leave him," she blurted out. "I'm so sorry to put it that way, but I've been trying to think of a better way to say it-"

"I'm not going to leave him."

She stared at me. "You don't want to? Not even after all of this?" She motioned at my body.

I shook my head. "It's not that I haven't thought about it or wondered if maybe I should. It's that I won't find anyone else. He's my everything. He does this because he loves me, and he's the only one who will. I'm ugly and I'm fat and there's no way anyone else could possibly love me. Especially with all of these bruises and marks all over me. They'll just take one look and run away." I felt tears well up, but I did my best to blink them back.

Kolleen dropped to her knees in front of me. "Jessie, listen to yourself. I want you to just hear what you said and think about it. You said he hits you because he loves you, and it's because he hits you that no one else will want you. If you leave him, the marks and bruises would go away."

I shook my head. "It doesn't work that way. Kolleen, if he didn't love me, he wouldn't do this."

She looked at me, dumbfounded. "If he loved you, he wouldn't do this to you."

"He loves me so much he can't stand the thought of me with anyone else." Even as I was speaking, I was doubting the validity of that statement.

She grabbed one of my hands and I looked at her. There were tears in her eyes. "Do you realize how much it hurts me to see you get hurt? You're my best friend. If he loved you, he wouldn't lay a hand on you like this. You said that if you don't have him, you're not going to have anyone. Jes, you have me. You have Sara. You have friends. You have family. It wouldn't be hard for you to find someone to replace Josh. You're beautiful. You're an amazing person. You're so smart I'm surprised you haven't seen right through everything he's said."

I shook my head, my tears finally spilling. "I-I can't leave him."

"Can't? Or won't?"

I shook my head again. "I can't. I'm scared," I whispered. "What if I never find someone else like he says? What if he comes for me? He wouldn't like me leaving him. He would do even worse."

Kolleen's whole expression changed. "Worse?" I nodded slowly. She watched me for a long moment. "How about if you move off campus? It wouldn't be hard to find an apartment close by that's cheap. I honestly don't like living in a dorm and I've been wanting to move. You could tell him that and then when you're not here you could break up. He wouldn't do anything to you during classes, right?"

I sighed and wiped off my face. "Okay. I still won't break up with him, but I'll move." The thought of it made my heart pound, both in excitement and in fear. What would Josh do when he found out?

---

For two weeks, I let Kolleen search for an apartment. It was her idea, so I told her it was totally up to her. I just focused on figuring out how to tell Josh about my moving. He wasn't going to like it. I already knew how he would react, and I was dreading it. He would think it meant I was leaving him. I was afraid it would break down whatever barrier has been holding him back from doing much worse to me.

At the end of those two weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. I went to her room, unsure if I was hoping she found a place or hoping she couldn't. I knew she was usually in her room on a Saturday, so I opened her door and walked in. "Kolleen?" I called as I entered.

"Perfect timing," she said, turning around in her desk chair. "I was just about to come and get you." She said something to whoever she was on the phone with, wrote something down, and hung up. "You and I are going to visit an apartment! Come on, let's go." She stood and grabbed her purse.

"Wait, hold up," I said, holding up a hand. "No way. I can't go. Josh doesn't want me to set foot off of the campus."

Kolleen frowned. "You're actually letting that guy tell you where you can and can't go?"

"I have to listen to him." I crossed my arms. "He, um, doesn't like me to go against what he says." I was determined to not say disobey. I was not being controlled. I wasn't. Telling myself that was one of the few ways I could actually sleep at night.

Kolleen looked like she wanted to protest, but she just nodded. "I'll text you pictures."

"Don't," I said. "Just show me when you get back." With a final worried look, I watched her leave.