That night, when Devin hugged me, I wasn't surprised by the action. What did surprise me was that I felt that hug for a long time after it happened. I could still feel him rubbing my arm and holding my hand. I could even feel his breath on my ear as he told me thank you. It felt like it was burned into my brain. No matter what I did, more than anything else, my mind kept circling back to that hug.

It was warm. It made me feel safe.

I wanted him to hug me again. And again. And again.

I wanted that so much that I almost wanted to cry.

Was this how love was supposed to feel?

Before I went to class the next day, I already knew how it would go. I was a mess. When I got home, Devin was already there, playing a video game in the living room while Kolleen, I suspected, was in her room. I blushed immediately from a sense of guilt. After all, I'd been unable to think of anything other than him since the night before.

The rest of the night he was there, I kept having the same feeling of guilt. I kept remembering how it had felt and then every time our hands accidentally touched, my heart beat a little harder. If I hadn't already admitted to myself how I felt, I would have been terrified.

At the end of the night, Devin said he wouldn't come the next day and I felt relieved. That only made me feel worse, though. Why was I relieved he wouldn't come? I had wanted to see him.

The next day was Saturday, so Kolleen and I had planned to get ahead on our homework since it would just be us. It had become a rare thing to only have the two of us in the apartment. If you ask me, that wasn't exactly a bad thing. We'd moved out of the dorms for privacy, true, but we loved having Devin over.

We spent the entire morning with the only sound coming from our laptops. By lunchtime we were tired of working. I knew we would be. Neither of us really cared to work much in the morning.

Kolleen abruptly stood. "I'm going to the store. I have to take a break."

"Okay," I said with a nod. "I don't feel like going anywhere, so I'll stay here."

"Suit yourself," she said as she put on her coat by the door.

After she left, I took a deep breath. Alone for once. I leaned back and closed my eyes. As expected, my thoughts went to Devin.

I wasn't sure how long I'd sat there. All I knew was that at some point I was startled by a knock on the door. When I answered, I found Devin. I smiled at him and stepped aside. "Come on in," I said. "I thought you said you weren't coming today."

He stepped inside and turned to me. "Turns out I wasn't needed at work. Kolleen here?"

I leaned my back against the door. "No, she went to the store. Why? What's up?"

He nodded and took off his coat. "I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things and I wanted some privacy is all."

I raised my eyebrows, trying to cover up the fact my heart was beating a little faster. "Well, I don't know when she'll be back, so you may not have much time."

He nodded. "First, I want to tell you about my mom and dad. My dad left when I was 12. He abused my mom and I was glad he's gone. Sometimes I miss having a dad since my mom never dated anyone else, but she's been dealing with the aftermath of more than 15 years' worth of abuse. That's who I tell you about all the time. Her past has helped me support you like I have. Second, I hate people like my dad and Josh. My father was the reason I became a cop. I thanked God when I realized Mom would finally be free of that man, and when I found out what Josh had put you through, my fellow officers had to hold me back from going to his holding cell and beating him like he'd beaten you."

I was blushing. "Is that everything?" I was surprised I was finally getting an answer to a question he had avoided for a long time. I was even more surprised to find out how strong of a reaction he'd had.

He shook his head as took a few steps closer to me. "I still have two more."

"Okay." Based on what he'd just said, I was almost afraid to hear the next two.

"Third, Jes, is that you're beautiful. It's what I want to tell you every time I see you. You're so beautiful I can't keep my eyes off of you."

"I'm not!" My heart was truly racing now. I'd been called beautiful, but no one had said it with that look in their eyes. I knew what the fourth thing would be and it actually did scare me.

"You are. You're beautiful inside and out." I froze. No one had said that to me before. No one had ever told me I was pretty on the inside. "Fourth, I love you." Tears immediately sprang to my eyes but I did my best to blink them away. Though I was scared of these words, I wanted to hear what he had to say. "You are the most important person in my life. I don't want to spend my life without you. No, I'm not trying to propose right now, but I'd like to one day. I don't know what it is about you. I've never fallen in love with anyone before and I've never really wanted to. But you." He shook his head, smilingly fondly at me. "When I look at you, all I can think is that I want to hear you laugh every day. I want to see you smile. I want to be there when you cry. I want to wake up to your eyes every morning. I want to run my fingers through your hair as you fall asleep in my arms every night.

"Don't get me wrong here, Jes. I'm not trying to force you into anything. I love you with my entire heart and because of that, I'll wait for you. You don't seem like you're ready for a relationship, but, when you are ready, I'll be right here. I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to. I love you way too much to let you go. Even if all you ever want is a friend, I'll still be right here."

Tears were flowing in earnest now. Without knowing it, he said everything I'd ever needed to hear and then some. I sank to the floor, my legs no longer willing to hold me, as I tried to hold in the sobs. "I-I-I-"

Cool hands were suddenly cupping my face with the gentlest touch I'd ever experienced. "Shh." The air from Devin's mouth fanned across my face. I forced myself to open my eyes. Devin's were right there, looking back. "You don't have to answer me now," he whispered. "When you're ready, tell me then. I'm a patient guy." He gave me a small, loving smile and kissed my forehead. His lips only lightly brushed me, as if I was something fragile he was afraid of breaking.

"Okay," I breathed.

He looked into my eyes for a long moment. "Jes, I want you to know that I love you. I'm going to make sure that you know how much every day. I don't want you to ever wonder." Giving me one last smile, he stood and walked over to the fridge. I wiped my face as he opened it. "Is there anything you'd like for lunch today?" he asked.

I sniffled. "Not really."

"So, anything is fine?"

"I guess."

He nodded and turned to me. "Why don't you go blow your nose and have a seat in the living room? I'll make us something."

"Okay."

---

I didn't have many firsts I could offer anyone - Josh had made sure of that – and, because of that and the confession Devin gave me, I felt like damaged goods. I wasn't sure why he still wanted me, knowing what he did.

Shortly after that conversation, Kolleen returned. I was sitting on the sofa while Devin was chopping up something in the kitchen behind me. I listened to them talk, feeling like I was in my own little bubble apart from them. I couldn't decide if I felt elated or scared. Despite what he'd said, I knew he would be wanting a response.

As the day wore on, as the afternoon turned into evening and dinner smells began to fill the apartment, as the sun eventually set and lights needed to be turned on, I realized there was only one honest answer I could give him. He loved me and he had my best interests at heart. I had no more doubts.

When it got late enough, and Devin decided to leave, I knew this was my chance.

I followed him into the hallway, not wanting Kolleen to hear what I was going to say. I wasn't even sure I wanted to tell her what had happened today. The only thing I was sure about was what I was going to tell Devin. I touched his shoulder and he stopped. "You okay?" he asked.

A simple question. Yet, those words made my heart swell. I knew I loved him. I knew he loved me. But I felt a strong fear underneath those things that was still too strong to fight. "I don't want to hurt either of us," I said, unable to look him in the eye. He turned to me. "You were right – I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet. I'm too scared of history repeating itself to say yes, but I can't say no, either. I don't want to give you the wrong answer. I need some time to give you the right one." I finally raised my eyes and looked at him. "If you love me, wait for me."

He tucked my hair behind my ear and ran the back of his fingers down my jawline, his touch barely there. Again, I got the impression of him touching something fragile. "I'll wait as long as you need me to." With a final smile he took a step back. "I'll see you tomorrow." He gave me a wave and walked away.

My face was still tingling where he touched me. A long time ago I realized I was in love with him. But this was the first time I knew it from the bottom of my heart that I was painfully, irrevocably, completely in love with Devin. Everything he said was everything I wanted. That was the future I desperately wanted to have with him.

But I couldn't.

Not yet.

I clutched my chest as I began to cry alone there in the hallway. For as much as I loved him, I was too scared of "what could happen" to tell him. He could walk away from me. He could hit me. I knew my fears weren't logical and if I told Kolleen she would talk me into saying yes again. But these were things I needed to move past on my own. I needed to prove to myself the belief that my fears had no basis with Devin. For that, I needed time. As I was, I wouldn't have been good for him. Our relationship would have been too unsteady and I was terrified that it would fizzle out before it really got started. I was terrified that we wouldn't find our way back to each other again.

But this way, waiting to give him an answer, felt like the best choice. It would be painful for both of us, but it was the only way I could be completely sure.

For probably the first time in my life, I wanted something with every fiber of my being. I wanted to love and be loved by Devin. I wanted to know what a real, loving relationship was like. I wanted to find out why the heroine of every story looks for love. I wanted to see why it was so special.

I promised myself as I wiped my face and walked back into my apartment that I would.