During my sophomore year I was asked out by a guy. At the time, I liked Josh and I didn't want to be with anyone else. I told the guy I wasn't interested and he wanted me to tell him why. He listened to me and I was relieved that he wasn't upset. There was no denying the fact he still liked me, but things weren't all that awkward. We had our moments where we weren't sure how to interact because I didn't want him to read into anything and get the wrong idea, but despite that, we were fine.

When Josh and I realized our feelings were mutual, things were different. There was nothing drastic, but it was more the air around us had changed. I'm not so sure about him, but for me it felt more like we'd been dancing around those words for a long time before we finally acknowledged them.

Devin wasn't like either of them. Something about him felt comfortable and made me feel like he cared for and about me. I felt wanted and, sometimes, needed. Like I made him happy just by being there. The air between us at the courthouse felt like it changed. It was full of unsaid words and colored by feelings neither of us seemed to be ready to name just yet.

After that day, though, I had a name for mine and that terrified me. I wanted to be friends with him, but I also had feelings for him. As hard as I knew it would be, I was determined to be just friends. That's what I needed.

The morning after that was the first time in nearly three weeks that I didn't get a text either inviting us to Devin's place or just asking if I was okay. I laid in bed, staring at my phone, willing a text I somehow knew wasn't coming to arrive.

I opened my conversation with Devin and typed several messages before deleting them and ultimately closing the app. It felt too weird to text him. He'd always been the one to take the initiative. But what if he wanted me to text first? I sighed and opened the conversation again. I typed a message and this time I sent it. Good morning. It was a simple message and I didn't expect an answer.

Kolleen was making noise in her room, so I figured I had to get up myself. While I was getting ready, my phone dinged. I checked it and found a text from Devin. Morning. Sorry I'm in a hurry this morning. I'm covering an early shift for a guy whose wife just went into labor. Want me to come over tonight? I can cook dinner for the three of us.

I smiled. He was so nice. Sure. I'm not going to get back until five, but Kolleen will be here after three.

Sounds good. I should get there around the same time as you.

I sent him back a smiley emoji and finished getting ready. It was surprising how relieved I felt now that he'd texted me. In my heart, I knew that Kolleen was right. I was feeling something beyond what I was able to admit to myself. While that scared me, I was more scared of what Devin was going to tell me. If Kolleen was right, then I wasn't sure what to do.

In spite of myself, I thought about his visit the rest of the day. By the time I was getting into Kolleen's car I wasn't sure if I was excited for or dreading his visit. I couldn't wait to see him because it made me happy, but I was worried those words would be said. I wasn't sure what they would be, and I wasn't sure how I would feel when I knew.

When I got home, I found Kolleen standing in our tiny kitchen with Devin, laughing at something. It was a sobering reminder of how cute they looked together and that she was probably much better for him. As it was, she didn't have trauma or anything holding her back from having a perfectly normal relationship with an amazing guy most girls would kill to have.

My heart squeezed painfully at the thought. Kolleen glanced at me. "Hey, Jes," she said. "Devin was just-" She squinted at me. "Hey, you okay? You look a little pale." Devin leaned back slightly to see me better.

I forced a smile. "I'm fine. I think I'm going to change. I'll be right back." I hurried to my room and locked the door behind me. Worried, muffled voices floated through my door. If I tried, I would have been able to hear what was being said, but I didn't want to.

This was how it was supposed to be, right? Devin deserved someone normal. I wasn't even looking for someone, anyway. Devin was a good friend and only a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Kolleen had been hurt several times by the wrong guys, so she deserved someone like him.

I dropped my backpack and hurriedly changed like I said I would. Tears were stinging my eyes, but I was not about to let them fall. They were unwarranted and had no place in this apartment. Everything was going on like normal. I opened my door, determined to act normal.

Kolleen was sitting at the table, looking worried. She was staring at my door. "Jes," she said, getting up and hurrying over to me. When she reached my doorway she didn't stop, forcing me to walk backwards until she closed the door behind her. "What's wrong? Don't say nothing. You never change when he's here." She glanced down at my sweats. "Especially never in something like this. Tell me what's wrong."

I shook my head. "Nothing is wrong. Really." She narrowed her eyes at me and I squirmed a little under her gaze. "You should go for it, you know," I said, rambling because I had no idea what was going on or what I should say. "He's sweet and reliable. Besides, you guys are cute together."

Kolleen's eyes widened. "No way. There's no way I would steal someone else's man, not even if I had a chance, which I don't. Not with him." She glanced back at the door and lowered her voice. "I know you like him, even if you keep denying it. I know that's why you're so upset. You don't have to be, though."

"But-"

"No. You do. If you didn't, you wouldn't be this upset. Devin only has eyes for you, Jessie. Don't worry. I don't want him and I never did. He likes you. I know that scares you, but it's the truth. He knows it does, too, so he probably won't do anything. He cares more about you than himself. We were actually talking about you when you came back. You don't have to worry, okay?" She looked into my eyes for a moment before exiting my room.

I was frozen to the spot. The moment the door closed behind Kolleen, the tears that had been stinging my eyes spilled over. I didn't need the confirmation. I didn't. She was right. Every bit of it. I knew it. I was fine ignoring it. I was fine acting like friends. I would have been just fine.

But would I have? Really?

The thought popped in my head and I sat on my bed. It wasn't the question I wanted to think about, but I had to nonetheless. If we kept on going as friends, would I really be fine? At every turn, my feelings would have been shoved down to keep things the way they were. Was that really okay? What about him and how he feels? I knew he had to have been trying to say something to me at the courthouse along the same lines. Would he be fine, too?

I wiped my face. This wasn't just about me. It was also about him. Things like this always has two sides. What would be best for me wouldn't exactly be the best for him.

There was silence outside my room and I wondered if they were sitting at the table, waiting for me.

Nervous, I opened my door. Devin was still cooking and Kolleen was sitting on the couch. I slowly walked to the table and sat. Devin glanced at me and smiled. "How was your day?" he asked.

"Fine, I guess. It was pretty much the same as always. What about you? How was working the day shift for once?"

He smiled at the pot he was stirring. "Well, a lot like the night shift, just different weirdos. I had a woman call in about a prowler. Turns out it was her husband she had locked out of her house. Apparently, they were having a fight and she locked him out, forgot, and thought she was about to be robbed."

I snorted. "Just a typical day, huh?"

He put a lid on the pot and sat across from me, grinning. "It's been so long since I've worked the day shift that I forgot the types of calls we get. They're way more interesting."

While we waited for whatever he was making to finish, we chatted. Kolleen stayed in the living room and never attempted to join in. It felt easy. It felt natural. When he asked me a question, he listened to what I had to say.

Would I really be fine?

The thought floated into my mind when he stood to check on the food. As I watched him, I realized that I had a crush. He was so wonderful. If I were normal, there wouldn't be any hesitation. I would have made a move a long time ago. As it was, I wasn't sure I would ever be capable of it. What I was sure of was my being rejected. Maybe not at first, but eventually. There was no way we would have been good together. I would only drag him down.

As we ate dinner that night, I mulled over things. After dinner, Kolleen excused herself to her room to do homework. She gave me a pointed look that I ignored as Devin and I moved into the living room. We sat on opposite ends of the sofa and I gave him the remote. While he scrolled through Netflix, I studied him out of the corner of my eye. There was no way he could actually have feelings for me, right?

"How's this one?" he asked.

I glanced at the title, startled. It was one I'd seen before. Surprisingly, it was a romcom. "You like that?" I asked, suspicious.

He shrugged. "It's fine. It's one you'd like, right?" He looked at me and I could feel the warmth of it. I just nodded, incapable of saying anything. There was something in that look that I suspected had been there before but I was just now noticing. Something I wanted to see again.

The movie began playing and it was hard to look away from him. In the movie, the main character was a girl that was unsure about a relationship she was in and ran into a guy randomly that was everything she had been looking for.

At some point during the first half, I found myself looking at Devin again. "Devin," I said quietly, half of me hoping he wouldn't hear, and the other half wanting to turn to me.

He looked at me and smiled. "Yes?"

I hadn't thought of anything to say, so I floundered for a long moment before blurting out, "Do I make you uneasy?"

His eyebrows rose and he paused the movie. He turned towards me. "Why do you ask? Do I act weird or something? Because if I am, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

I shook my head. "No, not at all. You're-" Exactly what I need, I finished in my head, shocked at my own thoughts. "You're the same as ever. It's just, thinking about what all I said in court and all of that. I startle easy at loud voices, and when someone touches my forearm or wrist I almost panic. I was wondering if any of that makes you uneasy or if it makes you nervous. I mean, I don't know how I would feel if our roles were switched."

His face softened and he gave me one of his warm smiles. He reached over and gently touched my upper arm. "Does that make you uneasy?" I shook my head. He rubbed it a couple of times before slowly taking his hand back. "Jessie, there's a lot you still don't know about me. One of those things is that the woman I told you about before that was a victim herself, she was exactly like that for a long time. Because I look like the man that hurt her, I made her unsettled for a little while." Devin's expression darkened. "It was hard, but I could understand it from her viewpoint. The learned reactions wouldn't go away even if she willed them to. The only way they would was through time. She's not like that anymore and hasn't been in a long time, but that was a few years that weighed on me for a while." He looked away. "So the answer is no. Your learned reactions don't make me uneasy or nervous. They're a part of you and, in time, they'll lessen or even go away."

I swallowed. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being you." I saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and nodded. He hit the play button and the movie started again. I was glad his attention was on the movie. My face felt hot and I knew it was red. What was I even saying? I forced myself to watch the movie, even though what was happening was lost on me.