I'd never set foot in a courtroom. No one in my family ever had a need to. That's why I was curious about the inside and how things went down, but I wished I could've visited under better circumstances. But, as it was, I still didn't attend the whole thing.

Josh was on trial for two days, and I was set to testify at the beginning of the first day. Nervous, I came a little earlier than I needed to. There was a bench in the hallway that I sat on and watched as people began to trickle into the open room.

A uniformed officer approached me. I began to stand but then I recognized Devin. I smiled at him. "You came," I said, resettling and sliding over so he'd have room.

He sat beside me and nodded at the officer that was standing nearby. "Of course. I'm planning on being in the courtroom when you're up there."

I tried to smile, but failed. "I'm actually scared."

He brushed my shoulder and I felt tingles from the light touch. "Look at me." I turned to him. He smiled. "I meant when you're up there. When you get scared or nervous, find me in the crowd and look at me. Imagine we're in your kitchen and you're telling all of it to me. Okay?" As I nodded, he rested his hand on my shoulder. "You don't have anything to worry about." He removed his hand and entered the room.

I sighed as I watched him go. Knowing he was in the audience made it worse, but it also made it better. He was the one I knew was on my side, even if no one else was. I wasn't too sure how I knew, but I did. It almost felt like a given.

Not too long later, Kolleen came with my parents. I wished I could have escaped, but by the time I saw them coming it was too late. My mother was already calling out to me. I stood and she wrapped me in a crushing hug. It brought tears to my eyes. This was why I wanted to escape. I didn't want to speak with red-rimmed, puffy eyes in front of the entire courtroom.

Behind my mom, a couple caught my eye. I recognized Josh's parents immediately. His mom was crying and holding a tissue near her face. His dad had his arm lovingly around her. They glanced at me and both of them stopped.

I released my mom and walked over to them. "Jessie," his mom said through hiccupping sobs. "I'm sorry. I'm so sor-" Her words dissolved as a fresh wave of tears overtook her.

Josh's dad held her a little closer and whispered something in her ear, which made her nod. He smiled at me. "Jessie, honey, we wish we'd have known what was happening," he said. His soft voice was just this side of comforting. "We would have put an end to it if we had."

"It will be okay," I told them. "It's neither of your faults. It's all Josh's. Please don't beat yourselves up."

He gave me a small smile and guided his wife into the room. Devin caught my eye as I was turning back to my parents. He was watching with an uneasy expression. When he realized I was looking, he turned his back to me.

Odd.

---

My footsteps echoed in the silent hallway. I had no idea what was being said in that room. At that moment, both sides were giving their opening remarks. Still, it felt like it was forever. I couldn't take sitting. I felt restless. I hadn't slept at all the night before and I was beginning to feel it. Despite my best efforts, I was on the verge of freaking out.

The door opened and I would have sworn my heart stopped. "They're ready," an officer said. The officer with me nodded and I worked hard to get my breathing under control as my heart began racing.

I could feel every eye in the room on me as I walked to the stand. It was nerve-wracking. I was terrified of what I was about to say and how it would be received.

Once I was sworn in and seated, Mrs. Herring approached. She motioned for me to take a deep breath, which I did. "Miss Chandler, you are the defendant's girlfriend, correct?"

"His ex. I broke up with him."

"Liar," I heard Josh mutter.

I refused to look at him. Mrs. Herring glanced his way before focusing back on me. "Tell us about your relationship with the defendant prior to the breakup."

"We'd been friends since middle school. During our senior year of high school, we began to date. We got along well and, even though he was demanding, he was still sweet to me. Once we came to college, he began to change."

"When did the relationship begin to go wrong?"

"A couple of months after we started college. We had a disagreement about me leaving the dorms. He'd only shouted at me that time, and that's all I thought he'd do to me. I was surprised that happened. He'd never raised his voice to me before."

"Can you tell us in as much detail as you can of the other arguments you two had?"

I nodded. I knew this was coming. This part was what mortified me the most. "After that, things began to get worse. The next one was a week later. He pinned me to the wall and threatened me in front of my roommate. A week after that, he slapped me. Once that happened, he kept escalating. I've been choked, slapped, punched, beaten until I was unconscious, and even raped."

There was a collective gasp from the room behind Mrs. Herring, as well as from the judge. The most satisfying one, though, came from the defense. Apparently, Josh hadn't told his lawyer much of anything. Knowing that felt good.

"How many times has he raped you?"

"Once."

"What led up to these fights and the rape?"

"Normally, a fight would be started by me saying hello to a guy or speaking to one. Not just students - he has accused me of cheating on him with my teacher when I turned down a date with him to finished one of my assignments because I was putting that class before him. I've also been accused of cheating on him with my best friend because I had made plans with her and wouldn't break them to watch a movie with him."

I didn't want to talk about anything else. I was beyond ashamed. There were so many points where I had the chance to stop it. Yet it went on. I knew Josh's lawyer would ask me that, and I knew the reason, but I was also ashamed of that reason.

Devin had said to look at him, but that was the scariest thing to do. Still, he always calmed me down, so I forced myself to look at him. He was seated in the front row next to my parents. I raised my eyes to look in his and I wondered if that shine to his eyes was tears. When he rubbed them, I knew it was. I faced forward and kept on answering humiliating questions and describing some of the more violent acts in as much detail as I could stammer out.

By the time Mrs. Herring was done with me, I couldn't possibly feel any lower. I wanted nothing more than to run away from this spot in front of all those people, but I couldn't. I still had to wait to be cross-examined by Josh's lawyer.

As he approached the stand, I saw a glint in his eyes that sent a cold shiver down my spine. Something in the back of my mind told me this was going to be bad, and something else - something much darker - thought this was going to be fun.

"Miss Chandler," he said in a booming, self-important voice. "As I am sure you know, the law here in South Carolina states explicitly that domestic violence is only recognized when a man and a woman live in the same house or apartment. Did you live in a dorm room with the defendant?"

"I didn't live in the same room, or even the same dormitory, as he did. We did, however, live on the same campus. We shared meals and the same living spaces. We as good as lived together."

"Ah, yes, yes, but you still did not live in the same building?"

"I already said we didn't. I don't see how this has relevance to your line of defense."

He frowned at me. "Miss Chandler, let me be honest here. You are charging my client with something that should not even be brought up. The judge and jury both know the law and they will not allow my client to be punished according to those laws."

"Sir, I think the judge and jury should decide for themselves. The fact we are sitting here discussing this is proof enough that at least the judge thinks these charges aren't unfounded."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Is it true that part of what drew you to my client in the first place was the way he took charge and his assertiveness?"

"I like his self-confidence, yes, but I didn't pay any mind to much else."

"Isn't it true you could have gotten out of this relationship if, indeed, you felt it was getting out of hand? You said yourself there were warning signs."

"That is true."

"Isn't it true that you love the defendant?"

"Back in high school, yes."

"So you didn't love him once you got to college. Is that right?"

"No. I still loved him for a little bit afterwards. I didn't want to believe those fights would become the norm."

"Why didn't you get out of that relationship? You didn't love him, you were being abused, and you had a promising future."

"I was scared, and I felt obligated to stay."

"What were you afraid of, Miss Chandler?" His questions were being said in harsher and harsher tones and I felt myself forgetting my shame and instead becoming angry.

"I was afraid it would get worse."

"But it got worse anyway. Why did you stay?"

"Because I was scared!"

"Of what?"

"Of him killing me!"

Several gasps and then murmurs came from behind him. Our eyes locked and we glared at each other as the judge hit his gavel a couple times. "You may proceed," the judge said.

"Miss Chandler. According to my client you tend to have a wandering eye."

"I do not."

"You said it yourself that he suspected you of cheating. Is that correct?"

"He claimed it, yes. It was com-"

"Just give me a yes or no answer, please," he said, cutting me off.

"Yes."

"Very good. It doesn't make sense, though. Here you are, in love with this man, and he in love with you, and here he accuses you of cheating out of nowhere. It doesn't make sense, does it?" I remained silent. "Does it? Please answer the question."

"Please answer his question, Miss Chandler," the judge said.

"It wouldn't normally, no," I said. There was no denying that. People normally would have to at least suspect something was going on. "He's always done this though."

"Done what, exactly? Worry about you? Love you?"

"He's always been jealous with no basis. He's beaten me for letting a guy ask me out, even though I turned him down immediately. A guy I had never spoken with before, actually. He had transferred to one of my classes and we had never met before that day. I turned him down and the guy followed me into the dorm. Josh showed up and scared him off, then gave me one of the worst beatings for letting him touch me. What could I have done? In case you haven't noticed, sir, I'm weak. I couldn't throw a punch to save my life. Without him showing up, there would have been no way for me to fight that guy off. If he hadn't and had found out something had happened to me, he wouldn't have been sympathetic in the least. He would have demanded me to tell him why I let it happen."

"If you were so scared, why didn't you go to the gym? Surely you would have built up some strength to fight off my client."

"If your client had let me go anywhere without beating me senseless after coming back or flat locked me in his closet, I would have. Tell me, sir, how I could have gotten off that campus?"

"Do not ask me questions, miss. I am the one asking them. Back to the alleged cheating. It's normal for girls your age to be curious about other guys and it's not unheard of for them to experiment. I'm sure my client was worried this was the case with you. Sometimes a young lady needs a stern hand to keep them on the right track."

I sneered at him. "So basically, he was right to beat me up because I was a harlot who got out of line."

"I did not say such a thing."

"With all due respect sir, I see that you are the same kind of person as your client, and I know that's why you really feel you need to get him cleared of these charges. However, what you need to realize is that women are not objects. We have feelings and needs."

"Needs that gave him reason to doubt your fidelity, no doubt."

"The need to be cared for. We need to know our partner loves us and wants to support us. What you've just said suggests you believe us to be something like cattle that needs to be herded before we wander off to another farm because the feed tastes better. You might as well say that we need to have the mark of our partner seared on our skin to prevent other owners from taking what's yours because we wander off constantly. That archaic way of thinking is frowned upon by the masses.

"In the end, whether the charges I'm pressing are dropped or if he's found not guilty, there's still a brand on both his name and yours. You will both be remembered as people who support the abuse of women. If you do not want that attached to your name, I would suggest hiding your true feelings."

"Your Honor, please tell the witness to cease this illogical and disrespectful testimony."

The judge raised an eyebrow at him. "I concur with what the witness is saying. I would advise you to cease your illogical and disrespectful questioning if you want to continue in my courtroom."

The lawyer's face turned red and I could almost see the steam rising from the top of his head. "I have no further questions," he grumbled as he made his way back to his seat.

"If the defense has no further questions, Miss Chandler may step down."