The first time I fell in love, I knew right away. It was a feeling that seemed to bubble out of my chest and invade my brain to the point all I could think about was that person and how much I cared for him. I had a hard time keeping it under wraps and ended up never telling him anything.

When I fell for Josh, it was different. It felt more like I cared for him and, naturally, I eventually began to want more things from him. His time, attention, affection, and, most of all, love. I wanted him to treat me like I was special. I wanted to feel loved and cared for. I wanted to be able to look at him and feel the adoration radiate off of him when he met my eyes.

Devin was something else altogether. Despite Kolleen telling me I liked him, I had a lot of doubts about it because nothing I felt before matched up. What I felt wasn't something that started with me caring for him or a feeling in my chest that intoxicated my thoughts with him. It was more that I felt cared for. He made me feel like he wanted to take care of me.

That was the only certain feeling I had.

Other than that, all I felt was unsettled, but not entirely in bad way.

It was a few minutes after seven when Kolleen knocked on Devin's door. Even though I'd tried to prepare myself mentally, I felt all the uncertainty come flooding back. How should I act? Kolleen had told me to be myself, but I couldn't remember what that was like. It'd been a long time. What if I was actually boring?

Kolleen elbowed me. "Calm down," she hissed.

Before I could respond, Devin opened the door. The smell of pancakes wafted out of the apartment. My jaw dropped a little bit. He made pancakes? Guys did that?

"Good morning!" he said excitedly. "Come in, come in." He walked away, leaving the door open. "Sorry, but I don't want the pancake I'm cooking to burn."

I followed Kolleen in and closed the door behind us. A pile of steaming pancakes sat on a plate on the stove. Devin flipped the one in the pan and it gave off a faint sizzle. I walked up next to him. "Where did you learn to make pancakes?" I asked.

He smiled at me. "I learned how for my mom. It was just the two of us for years after my dad left. One of her favorite foods was pancakes. I loved surprising her from time to time." He grinned down at the stack as he added the one he just finished. "Since I hadn't made them in a long time, I was kind of worried I'd forgotten how."

"You don't make them for your mom anymore?" I glanced around.

"Not since I moved out. Probably a year ago now? A year or close to it." He glanced up at me with a small and warm smile.

It felt like we were having a Moment. I felt a warmth in my chest that I hadn't felt with him before. There was something in his look that made me think I wasn't alone in that. The longer we looked into each other's eyes, the stronger the feeling became.

And the more fear I felt.

I looked away first, turning so my back was against the counter. Kolleen was fiddling with her phone, just glancing at us. "You moved in here after college?"

"Yeah. I graduated and moved here out of the dorms." The pan sizzled some more as he poured in more batter. "It was actually pretty weird at first. I'd forgotten what it was like to be in my own space, but it was even more weird to be alone."

"I know what you mean about having your own space. We spent a year and some in the dorms. It's so much better being in our own apartment like this."

He nodded before glancing over his shoulder again at Kolleen, who was making it a point to stare at her phone. I could tell she was trying really hard to not watch us. So hard, in fact, that her screen was black. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "Hey, Kolleen, right?" Devin asked.

"Yep."

"There's some milk and orange juice in the fridge, and the glasses are in the cabinet next to it. You can help yourself. You, too, Jes."

"Kol, can you get me a glass of milk then?" I asked. I didn't really want to move from where I was. It felt comfortable next to Devin.

We fell into a comfortable silence as he finished making the pancakes. It lasted until we'd finished them. Which, unsurprisingly, didn't take too long.

"Those were awesome," Kolleen said.

Devin grinned. "Thank you. Appreciate that."

"I wouldn't mind having those again sometime," I told him.

He chuckled. "I wouldn't mind making them for you again." I grinned at him and made the mistake of locking eyes with him again. When I realized, I looked away. He sucked in a breath. "I like to cook, so if you want me to cook for you again, I will."

"You like cooking?" Kolleen asked, surprise coloring her tone.

He nodded. "I do, actually. It's something I picked up when I was a teen. Like I said earlier, it was just me and my mom, so I did my best to help her out. I'd tried to surprise her one day by cooking dinner for her – which turned our horrible, by the way – and found out I actually liked doing it. It comes in pretty handy these days, you know."

I nodded, refusing to look at Kolleen. I could feel her eyes on me and I knew what her expression would be. "I haven't cooked in a long time," I said. "Between living on campus and only going home for one week in summer, I haven't cooked for more than a year."

Devin furrowed his brow. "You stayed on campus during summer?"

I shook my head, my face heating up. "No, I stayed at Josh's parents' house. He didn't like that I went to my home for a week. He-" I cut myself off and shook my head. It wasn't the time or place. I was only bringing down the mood. "Anyway, yeah. I was over at their place. I wouldn't stay in the dorms while the other people are away. I wouldn't want to be the one to get blamed if anything happened to their stuff."

He frowned. I wasn't looking at him, but I could feel it. We fell into another silence, and I began to feel bad. It was my fault. I shouldn't have brought up Josh. I shouldn't have brought up any of it. "It's about time for us to go," Kolleen said quietly. "Um, I'm going to head to the car." She stood.

Neither me nor Devin moved as she walked to the door and we heard it open then close. "I'm sorry," I said.

"For what?"

"For bringing that stuff up. It's not really a good breakfast conversation."

He shrugged. "It's a part of you, though." I didn't say anything and he leaned his elbows on the table. "Hey, look at me." I slowly did as he said. Our eyes locked and I felt a calmness settle over me. "What you went through is a part of you. I will never blame you for being who you are, and I won't reject whatever you want to tell me about yourself. If, in return, you want me to tell you about myself, I will. I won't keep anything back. Any question you want to ask, I'll answer."

I swallowed. His eyes were completely earnest. For some reason, my heart sped up and I felt tears start to well. "Okay." Complete acceptance was the only way I could describe his words. "Okay." I looked away and sniffled. "You love your mom, don't you?"

He chuckled softly. "I do. Are you sure there's nothing else you'd like to ask me?"

The answer I wanted wasn't one he could give me. It was for a question I kept asking myself: Am I really beginning to feel something for this man? There was no way he could see what was going on in my mind and heart.

Instead of telling him exactly what I was thinking, I simply said, "Not right now."

He nodded. "That's fair." With a sigh, he stood and began gathering the dishes. "Kolleen's waiting for you."

I made myself get up and head for the door. I didn't really want to, but I had no choice. "I'll see you later, then."

"Okay." The dishes rattled when he sat them in the sink.

As I made my way to Kolleen's car, I had the distinct feeling the air had been full of unsaid words. Not my words, but his. There was something he obviously wanted to tell me. I both wished I knew and grateful I didn't know what it was.

---

Before I knew it, October faded into November. In those couple of weeks, I stayed buried in homework and did my best to not think about that day in Devin's kitchen. I tried not to even when Kolleen and me went to his place for pancakes two more times. Even when I met him during his breaks for pizza three times. Even when he spent an entire Saturday in our apartment, playing games and watching TV until he volunteered to cook, not just dinner, but lunch too.

For as good as things were, I knew it was bound to change. Whether it was tension I felt increasing or the upcoming trial, something was going to happen.

The first full week of November I had a meeting with Mrs. Herring. Getting that call felt like reality pulling on my tether and bringing me back down to earth. Because, for as much as I wanted things to be over, I knew they were a long way from that. It wouldn't be until after the trial that things could settle down, and even after that it wouldn't be done. If Josh went to jail, it would only be a few years tops before he'd be released, and then I'd have to be on my guard again.

When the day of the meeting arrived, I was ready for it to be over. More than that, I didn't want to go by myself. Still, I did. Devin was working and I didn't want Kolleen to come. That didn't leave me with any choice but to go alone.

Mrs. Herring was in the lobby talking to the secretary when I walked in. She looked up and saw me. "Ah, right on time," she said and gestured for me to follow her. "We'll be in my office today." I followed her into a comfy-looking office that didn't seem like it was in a law firm. It looked more like it belonged in a house somewhere.

A rich person's house, but still.

We both sat and she began going through the papers stacked on the desk. Once she had everything together, she folded her hands. "The trial date is next week," she said in a monotone. "Do you want to testify?"

My heart dropped and then began racing. "Will it make a difference?"

She pursed her lips. "Possibly. It's usually better to hear stuff from the victim in cases like this one. It's possible it could sway the judge to consider the charges and the jury to convict him. Remember, Miss Chandler, I barely got the judge to allow us to bring these charges. Technically, you weren't living in the same apartment or house, so it's not domestic violence or abuse by state standards."

I took a deep breath and nodded. "I'll testify against him."

She nodded, but her eyes stayed on me. "Are you sure you want to?"

"Well, I both do and I don't. I want him to go away, but at the same time, if we can't get the conviction, he knows what I was trying to do and I know he won't be happy. Then there's telling my friends and my family and a room full of strangers personal things and having them judge me. I don't know if I can handle it."

She smiled at me. "I've seen many women stand up in court and do what you're going to do. They're all brave. There's not much I can do about the strangers and your family, but those women all had the same worry about being judged. Please remember that it's not you who's being judged – it's him. He's being judged by his own actions towards you. You're telling everyone what kind of person he is. He's the one who has everything to be worried about, not you. Think of it as a safe space."

A safe space, huh? That was one way to look at it, but, even though she said I wouldn't be judged, I was still going to be seen as a victim. I wasn't sure how that made me feel. With Devin, it was okay, but these were family and friends.

I wasn't sure why he was different – he just was.

Mrs. Herring watched me for a moment before beginning to prepare me for the trial.